Ch-12: Inner Thoughts

[Jarien POV]

While I was slumping and cursing my heart out at my shitty luck, I felt my anger calm down after a few minutes of spitting profanities. I started thinking properly and realised that I was not in control.

The events that transpired today, just talking to my family and Lyn, I realised that this is neither my world nor my body nor my family and even if I find 'her', will she be mine or Jarien? This thought horrified me more than any other. 

I even picked up a training sword and thought of killing myself right here but I stopped because the thought of meeting 'her' again overwhelmed my rationality and all other thoughts.

I laid on the ground in my own delusions of our reunion unaware of the changes going inside me. I suddenly remembered that he was a sword user, so I looked around the room for his sword to be found below his bed.

I had to test the talent anyways and since I wasn't tired at all, I decided to imitate his memories and swing his longsword. As expected, swinging a sword, and seeing the memories or reading are entirely different.

Miraculously, swinging the sword calmed me down as I swung it gently and slowly as I tried retracing the movements from the memories.

My mind became extremely clear with nothing but the sword, I felt connected to the sword as well as slowly the movements started giving me a sense of incompleteness.

My state of swinging the sword broke as I started contemplating what was wrong but found nothing which compelled me to follow the anime training arc which is 1000 vertical slash, horizontal slash, thrust, stab, diagonal slash...

Obviously, I won't do that many as I was just doing it to get a bit familiar with the movements that were remembered by the body by getting beaten up by Arthur and his own childhood training.

Slowly but surely, Jarien corrected his posture and kept swinging trying to get the instinctive feeling of his sword, not knowing it was actually his talent at work which had activated as he was fully focused and lost in swinging the sword that too with just physical strength.

Whilst he was busy swinging the sword and enjoying it, an ethereal energy around him leaked out from his body only to be absorbed by the sword which returned to him appearing to be more refined.

Unbeknownst to him, this energy was voiding the gap between the body, mind, soul and the sword which increased his concentration as his swinging motion became more fluid and refined compared to before.

The process happened for nearly an hour, resulting him to enter a trance like state that lasted for just five minutes after which his physical strength gave up as the talent was draining it alongside the special state draining 90 percent of his mana.

It all happened without him realising anything as he didn't even know how mana felt or how to use and manipulate it. But, even from such an opportunity all he got was a calm mind back to his tranquil and serene state.

Even though I was physically spent and felt a jolt of pain near my heart where my mana core was supposed to be, I felt surprisingly calm and relaxed as if I was in nature's embrace.

All my suspended emotions, anger, anguish, hatred had gone away and my head was extremely clear which made me recollect my thoughts regarding everything that transpired since I woke up this morning.

But before he could go through then again, a sudden memory from his past life assaulted him and made him recall certain events. Unknowingly he entered a dream-like state as the memories passed by in this state making them vivid as if he was reliving them.

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During his first year of college, he hadn't made many friends due to his inability to blend with other people easily. He had ended up befriending 'her' as they both were one of the earliest to arrive in the class at 8:45 a.m. for a class of 9:30.

One conversation led to another and he naturally made a friend but he found it weird. As he always had a hard time making friends, how could he make a friend this easily?

Unfortunately for him, he never got the answer but slowly and steadily he blended in with her group and started hanging out with them as college was like a free reign after the prison like school for all first years.

He won a bet with her and used it to enter a club with her outside college that he had been eyeing since the entrance exams itself.

It was a club where people who loved the use of cold weapons like sword, spear, axes, halberds, katanas, gauntlets and other people discussed and even sparred using them.

He was a fellow who came across one of their long-term members in the comments of a novel where heated discussion of the MC's grip on the hilt of the sword being wrong was occurring and that guy had left the club's name and address challenging people to come, saying 'he'll beat anyone who dares blaspheme the weapon arts'.

To his surprise, it was an actual place but still full of strangers, so he used that bet to help him mend in then she can stay or leave as she wishes after that and how she chased after him when he ran away in fear seeing her anger.

After all, how could a socially inept guy understand someone, a girl at that. How could he know that she was being teased by her friends saying things like he will ask you out or ask for a kiss or …(well use your imagination).

In the end, after getting a few hits in, she was convinced with him helping her study and treating her to food. He still did not know why she was angry and why he got hit but he had heard practical advice that worked like a charm.

'Do not try to understand someone, you will fail. Just accept them being right and let it flow by naturally.'

======

He was suddenly jolted awake as the memory started to fade. His eyes had become moist again but this time with a deep sense of longing and in a sense of melancholy he uttered her name under his choking breath "Glor-...". He swallowed his saliva as he did not wish to forget her name even if he had forgotten his own.

These memories reminded him of his time with swinging all types of swords, spears and every weapon before he finalised on two short swords that were built similar to daggers but a bit longer, less curvier and with a thin sharper end.

He remembered all the time he spent there and his mind was flooded with their time together and her playing around with weapons yet better than him as she had natural talent for it as the members said and even invited her to be one of their core members. Life was so full of fun then and now look at me…

My sudden transmigration, the system, the re-awakening, the main quest, new familial bonds, my plan and now the swordsmanship with this weird sword.

My thoughts were in a mess but I had to accept them else I wouldn't be able to move on and I had even regained control over my body to a certain degree. It felt like it was his last will to solve his regrets or something but I am not sure when it'll act up again.

After sorting out my thoughts for some time, I decided to meditate to feel my mana and replenish myself according to the memories which were now receding more and more.

It took me about 30 minutes just to feel the mana around me, and it looked beautiful. Different coloured miniscule particles looked to be dancing and playing among themselves.

There were 5 major elements in this world being Earth, Water, Fire, Wood, Wind. There were also elements like metal, ice, lightning, thunder, darkness, light, magma, plant, sound, mist, space and many more but they were rare as most people had the 5 elements as their primary element.

The light and darkness were not related to angels or demons in this world nor is there some holy magic as there has never been any religion in this world since the start of dungeon era or maybe even before as that history remains unknown.

After enjoying looking at the mana, I started controlling and making it flow inside my body freely rather than impeding it as I could not yet control it precisely.

It was around the time when the morning sun was about to rise that I was finally calm and refreshed alongside my body filled up with mana. After accumulating mana inside my mana core, I realised that it is just G+ rank which is the same as trash in my case.

On this realization, I thought to ignore it and started sorting out my thoughts and accepting Jarien's emotions as me amid my identity crisis because this was the only free time I had when my mind was extremely clear.

In the end, I accepted my fate of becoming Jarien and moved on from this useless struggle as our personalities were similar yet different making us distinct, so I felt it must be fate's cruel tricks; so I did something against my own self by accepting it yet I had forgotten that I had created his character in the novel so he was in sense a part of me and hence, I could easily accept it else who knows what the outcome could have been.

When I opened my eyes, I squinted because the bright sun was outside, but I could see everything with greater clarity as if my perception itself had increased and changed.

I looked around and found my body reeking of sweat, so I went to take a bath. Just after getting dressed, I heard my door creak open and turned to see who it was.

Arthur had just barged in through the door and after looking around he locked eyes with me and smiled saying "Here, this is what you wanted and everything's arranged for you to depart tonight." while handing me a mystical vial.

I knew my acceptance of circumstances and forgetting memories was too fast so I had asked for an elixir that is considered useless by everyone but it's most useful for me.

I drank it without wasting any time as I could trust this family from all those emotions that I had just accepted and it was natural to trust people who you already consider family though this world itself was scary as family too could plot against each other.

Besides, it was a trait-generating elixir, so its discovery made everyone elated but when it was revealed to be just Eidetic Memory, it was deemed useless compared to expectations.

Still, it did not mean it was easy to get your hands on it, but it was found by our family in a SSS rank dungeon by my grandfather himself so he took it because it was still an elixir.

Just when I finished drinking it, I could feel a surge of mana rushing to my brain causing me great pain, so I hurriedly sat down and circulated the excess mana however much I could.