Chapter 19 Muffins

Slam! The door to my temporary residence flies open.

"Alvarcus!" Sasuke calls out. "Get your ass out here!"

I explode out of the guest bedroom.

"What? Are we under attack? Who died? What's the crisis?"

"My brother." Crap. Itachi. I'm not sure crisis is a strong enough word. "He came to the village. He's looking for Naruto. We have to stop him! This could be my only chance!"

"You're not ready. He's still out of your league." I tell him.

"I don't care! I'm going! Where's my kunai holster at?" Sasuke tears his room apart looking for weapons and mission gear.

"Here." I pick it up off his dresser and toss it to him. "I'll be ready to go in three minutes."

"What?" Sasuke stops his frantic packing, "You're not coming with."

"Yes I am. Your brother is yours to kill. But what if he's not alone?" Shit, did I just say I would take on Kisame?

"Fine. Itachi is mine to kill. Anyone else is fair game." Sasuke goes back to collecting weapons. "Three minutes."

I go back to the guest bedroom. I really need to get my own place. I put on disposable clothes, odds are I'm going to end up trashing it when I use the Jiongu. I grab my already packed mission bag and wait by the door. Sasuke emerges from his bedroom with only weapons.

"Let's go." He grimly says.

We haul ass out of the village. Kotetsu and Izumo try to stop us, but we just ignore them. We'll have a team dispatched to collect us, that's fine. Everything should be over by then.

"How long can you keep this pace?" Sasuke asks me.

"Indefinitely. The Jiongu doesn't get tired." I reply.

"That thing is useful. Too bad it damages your body so much. Almost worth it."

We run the rest of the way in silence. Eventually we come across a small town.

"Here is where Naruto said he was going. He's helping Jiraya find someone, a possible Hokage candidate." Sasuke provides his information.

"Cool. Where is Naruto?" I ask. "A hotel maybe? If they are stopping here for the day that makes the most sense."

"Good idea. There can't be that many here." Sasuke stops a towns person. "Excuse me, where are the hotels in this town?"

"Down the street to the left. Only one here. It's the big reddish building." The civilian tells us.

"Thanks." Sasuke takes off towards the hotel. I'm right behind him.

We burst into the lobby, scarring the receptionist badly. We don't stop. We fly up the stairs. No one is on the first floor. Or the second. Then we hear something from the third floor, something very bad.

"We don't have to bring him back in one piece. How about I cut off a leg?" Kisame. That is Kisame. They're here.

We burst into the third floor. "ITACHI!" Sasuke roars.

He sparks up a Chidori and charges, dragging the fist of lightning through the wall towards his brother.

"You die today!"

"Little brother." Itachi sounds like a badass. "You've brought a friend."

Sasuke doesn't reply, instead he pours on more speed. Three meters away. Two meters. One.

Itachi grabs Sasuke's Chidori wielding arm right out of the air. "Friends are a hindrance, a liability. They'll make you weak. Friends didn't make me as strong as I am now. I stand alone, I alone achieved this power. This strength."

"Sasuke!" Naruto calls out. A red haze forms around him. He's using the Kyuubi's chakra, good. Naruto is taking this seriously. "Just hold on!"

"Let's sit this one out Blondie." Kisame pokes Naruto with Samehada and the red haze around Naruto is sucked into the giant scaled blade. "We wouldn't want to ruin this family reunion, now would we?"

"Little brother, you can't beat me. My power eclipses yours, you don't even have the same eyes as me. You don't have enough hate. How can you hope to kill me when you're still weak!"

CRACK

Itachi snapped Sasuke's wrist and drops him to the floor.

"Maybe your friend will prove to be more of a challenge." Itachi turns his crimson gaze onto me.

Sasuke launches up to his feet and lunges at his older brother. "I am not weak!" Sasuke roars. "I will surpass you! I will restore honor to the Uchiha name! I will avenge my family!"

I need to save Naruto. I know Itachi won't actually kill Sasuke, so he is relatively safe. I hope. I launch my chakra strings at Naruto, and pull him away from the hulking Kisame and place him behind me.

"You will not harm my friends!" I yell in his face. Oh Kami that was a bad idea. I just stole the sharkman's toy. "Naruto, stay close. I've never tried this with someone next to me before."

I spark up my new move I've been working on, an elemental string defensive move based loosely off of the Rasengan and Kaiten. I extend elemental strings from each finger, each hand has all five elements. I will them to form a protective rotating sphere around Naruto and me. It is a beautiful sight. All of the elements are present, all of them ever moving, never faltering in their absolute defense. No one wants to be battered around by a grinder of all five elements.

"Whoa. How are you doing this?" Naruto asks me.

"Shut up. Need to focus." It isn't easy what I'm doing right now, in fact I'd say its ridiculous to the extreme. I'm literally wielding all five elements at the same time, I'm continuously making five unique elemental changes. On top of that I'm moving them at a crazy speed and length to make up for the lack of numbers. Each string has to wrap around me multiple times and move in a unique pattern to be effective. It took me weeks to get this move down.

"Itachi, do we need this kid? He stole the jinchuriki." Kisame says.

"No. He's unimportant." Itachi replies nonchalantly while batting away a kick from Sasuke.

Kisame lazily swings Samehada at my neck height.

"Look little brother. Your friend is about to die."

I trust my defense to at least redirect the sword. It doesn't, I overlooked one very important fact. Samehada eats chakra. It ate right through my elemental sphere.

"Oh shit!" The Jiongu rushes to my defense, surging out of my chest and upwards to intercept the blade. Samehada doesn't even slow down.

The sword tears through the Jiongu. My head separates from my body and thuds dully to the ground. My defense vanishes, leaving Naruto exposed. My body crumbles, no longer capable of supporting itself.

~NO! The host will not die!~

"Isn't there supposed to be blood? There's always blood." Kisame asks in confusion. "I like the blood, it let's me know I won."

"Alvarcus!" Naruto calls out. "Alvarcus? But... why? Why would you do that? Why would you try to protect me? I'm not worth it."

"Alvarcus, get up." Sasuke demands. "We both know that isn't enough to kill you."

Black threads extend out of my severed neck, reaching towards my body. Likewise, there are threads from my body reaching to my head. They connect and pull me together, stitching my head back on my body.

"Whoa! Never thought that would happen! That's Kakuzu's thing!" Kisame says in surprise.

"Ow." I push myself to my feet and work out the kinks in my neck. "That hurt. Never had my head cut off before." I rub a hand over where the split was. "That's going to be one hell of a scar. Figures the chakra eating sword can get through a chakra based defense. How did I miss that? Stupid Alvarcus, real stupid."

"B-but your head!" Naruto is pointing at me. "How are you alive! I saw it! It got cut off!"

Itachi replies for me. "He has the Jiongu. Aim for his heart."

I freeze. Why is Itachi pushing Kisame to kill me? What did I do to deserve this?

"Simple enough. I wonder if he has more than one like Kakuzu does?" Kisame smiles at me. A shiver of fear runs down my spine. "Let's find out."

He moves. He's a blur, he moves so fast I can't tell what's happening.

Squelch.

~No! He hurt the host! Let me kill him!~

My chest hurts. Really hurts. Worse than when I push out my hearts. I look down. Blue. Spiky blue. Samehada, Kisame's big sword, is in my chest. Where my heart should be.

"One down."

Kisame pulls out Samehada. Slowly. I'm in agony. It's shredding my chest, ripping chunks of skin off with every centimeter it pulls out. I vaguely hear Sasuke getting the beating of a lifetime. Finally, Samehada is withdrawn completely. A ruined husk of red meat is pushed out of my chest by the Jiongu. It plops to the ground. A heart. My fire heart. My original heart.

I should be dead.

"Samehada likes your chakra, says it tastes like everything. How many hearts you got kid?" Kisame raises his sword again. "Wait, don't tell me. I want to find out for myself."

~Protect the host!~

He blurs again. The Jiongu curls protectively around me, it won't be enough.

CLANG

"You know, for big bad missing nin you two do lousy research on your targets." Oh thank Kami, Jiraya is here. "I'm much better at getting woman than they are at getting me!"

"You noticed the genjutsu." Itachi says in his monotonous voice.

"Of course! I noticed in time to save everyone!" Jiraya boasts while striking a majestic pose. "The hero arrives at the last moment and saves the day!"

I clear my throat. "Hate to break it to you, Jiraya-sama, but if I were literally anyone else I would be dead twice over."

Kisame grins at me with his pointy teeth. "Kids right. Cutting his head off didn't work, so I stabbed him in the heart. He's still kicking. Tough little bastard! I like him! Itachi can we keep him?"

"Kisame." Itachi reprimands the big blue fish-man, "We are here on business. Collect pets another time."

Itachi has Sasuke pinned to the wall by his throat. Sasuke's body is limp, his eyes closed. Tsukuyomi. Itachi trapped Sasuke in the Tsukuyomi while Kisame was toying with me. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save him. I could barely survive myself.

This is what S-rank shinobi are capable of? How am I ever going to reach that level?

"Toad Mouth Bind!" Jiraya slams his hand on the ground, flesh covers everything. "Your business is finished. Nothing can escape this prison." The flesh walls cover Sasuke, shielding him from further harm.

Itachi turns to Jiraya. "We have overstayed our welcome. Kisame, let's leave. A battle with Jiraya will attract too much attention. Naruto, we will meet again."

"Bye Muffins! I'll bring you home with me next time!" Did... did Kisame just call me muffins?

Ripping their feet from the adhesive esophagus of a giant toad they flee down the hallway and out of our sight.

"It doesn't matter where you run!" Jiraya calls after them. "No one has ever escaped!" He turns to me. "Who are you again?"

BOOM

"Hold that thought." Jiraya runs down the path Itachi and Kisame took not five seconds ago. I let myself slump to the floor.

"Alvarcus?" Naruto asks me with concern, "You okay?"

"No. I'm not okay. I just had my head cut off and my heart destroyed by a S-ranked missing nin from Kiri while Itachi Uchiha gave him helpful pointers on how to kill me! How could I possibly be okay? And where the hell is Sasuke? If that wall ate him I'm killing Jiraya, Sannin be damned."

"Kid, you're fifty years too early to kill me." Jiraya is back. He must have already sealed up Amaterasu. "So Kisame really did cut your head off? And that heart on the ground is yours?"

"I'll tell you once I see Sasuke again."

Jiraya cancels his jutsu, Sasuke flops to the ground. I sigh.

"Yep. True on all accounts. Oi! Naruto! Leave my heart alone! Don't poke it with a stick! Where did you even find a stick? We're inside!"

"But how are you alive? If this is your heart, then shouldn't you be dead?" Naruto starts waving his hands worriedly. "Don't get me wrong! It's great you're alive!"

"Come on Naruto." I walk over to Sasuke and check his vitals. Everything is fine, but his heart rate is elevated. Most likely from the genjutsu. "You should be able to figure this out. Think back to when we fought Gaara. What we talked about at the ramen stand."

His face scrunches up in concentration. "Gah! I don't know! Tell me!"

"The Jiongu." I answer.

Jiraya's face becomes serious. Before he was friendly to me, now he is analyzing me. Observing, assessing how he would go about killing me.

"The thread monsters? I told you they have hearts in them. I did have five. Now I'm at four."

"Wait it can do that?" Naruto stops poking my heart with a stick to look at me. "You don't die if you have another heart? Dude that's so unfair."

Jiraya cuts into the conversation. "You're the other kid Orochimaru met in the forest." He is not playing around.

I give him my full attention, Sasuke isn't going anywhere.

"I am. Alvarcus Mar at your service. Winner of Konoha's Orochimaru look a like contest. Well, I used to look like him. The Jiongu really messed me up." Funny, I resort to dark humor when I'm nervous.

Jiraya goes pale. "You looked like him? Why did you look like him?"

"Did the Hokage not tell you about me? I'm an experiment that went right. Twice. He obviously gave me the Jiongu, and he did something to me when I was a fetus. It left an imprint, I was his spitting image for a long time. I don't have that problem now, the Jiongu changed me too much. Gotta say, I do miss the yellow eyes." I pause. "Or having eyes."

Naruto inhales sharply. "You don't have eyes? I just thought they were black!"

"Dude." I turn to Naruto. "You can't possibly have missed that. Solid black eyes made of threads? That is not normal."

"Show me." Jiraya demands.

I remove my sunglasses. Somehow they've stayed on the entire day, even through my beheading. Jiraya walks over, gently grabs my face and starts twisting me every which way to look at my eyes.

"Dynamic Entry!"

Jiraya goes flying down the hallway from a kick to the face.

"Fear not, student of my rival! Gai Might is here to save you!" Green body suit? Check. Bowl cut? Check. Weird way of talking? Check. Definitely Gai.

"Uh... Gai? That was Jiraya." I calmly tell him.

"HAHAHAHA! That was great! Do it again!" Naruto is on the floor laughing his ass off.

Jiraya walks back to us with a shoe imprint on his face. "That hurt."

"I am most sorry! I've come after Sasuke and Alvarcus. They left the village without permission to go after Itachi Uchiha. And well, you were holding him by the head." Gai bows deeply to Jiraya.

Why are all the super strong people weird? Will I be weird if I get to S-rank? I hope not.

"Apology accepted. Better safe than sorry. Sasuke's behind Alvarcus." Jiraya gestures towards Sasuke's limp body.

"Just like Kakashi. We haven't been able to wake him. Nothing we try works." Gai solemnly says.

"Kakashi-sensei got hit too?" I completely forgot he confronted Itachi. Sasuke never said anything about him being in the hospital. "You can't wake him up? Does that mean... they will wake up right? Please say yes. They're the only people I have left."

Gai's whole body slumps over in defeat. "I am sorry. I do not know."

"Don't worry kiddo." Jiraya pats me on the back, "Naruto and I are going to get the only person who can wake them up. We'll be back in Konoha in no time! So just go back with Gai and keep an eye on them for us."

"No. I am going with you. You're going after Tsunade. You want her to be the next Hokage." I will do everything I can to save Kakashi and Sasuke. I might have changed too much by replacing Naruto on team seven, he could already know the Rasengan. Then how will he convince Tsunade to stay in town and come back to be the Hokage?

"See Naruto?" Jiraya points at him, "He's something like an apprentice to me. I like him. I teach him, he's my responsibility. You're not. Why should I take you with us?"

"Naruto needs a variety when it comes to sparring. I can do that, I can be his sparing partner. I really doubt you and I have the same fighting style, the change will be good for him. I can also help bring Tsunade back. What's more interesting to a medic nin than someone who is alive with only two functioning organs? Not to mention the whole assimilating other people's hearts. She might come back just to study me."

"Fair point. She does like her strange medical cases." Jiraya concedes. "Why do you want to come with?"

"To convince her to save my team." I reply instantly, no hesitation.

"Not to get her to take the hat? That is the purpose of this mission." Jiraya asks.

"No. I don't care about that. I just want her to save my precious people. As of two days ago, they're all I have. If I can help either of my remaining family members you bet your damn ass I will do it permission or not!"

"Let him come." Naruto intervenes on my side. "It'll be nice having someone my own age around for a change. Besides, think of how much more time you can spend at the bath houses if he's there to keep me entertained."

"Maybe that's not such a bad idea after all. You can come." A lecherous grin forms on his face. "Just think of how much more time I can spend collecting research!"

"HOW YOUTHFUL! Such unshakable resolve!" Gai picks me up in a hug. "You've inspired me to assist Kakashi too! I will take on his share of missions until he is awake again! I leave bringing Tsunade back in your capable hands!" His eyes are tearing up. Not okay!

"Gai! I get it! Put me down! I am a shinobi! You don't pick shinobi up like rag dolls!" This is not okay!

"SUCH YOUTH!"

I kawarmi with Sasuke's unconscious form. "There. Take him back to Konoha for me will you?"

"Of course! I will complete this task!" Gai bolts out of the building and kicks up a dust storm as he races to Konoha. Thank Kami he's gone that was so embarrassing.

"We will never speak of that moment again." I demand.

Naruto snickers. "You mean when you were manhandled by Bushier Brows?"

"Yes." I growl out. "That."

"Not going to happen! Oh, I'm going to tell Ino! She'll love to hear this!"

"Naruto. Remember that monster that attacked Temari? And the one that helped you and Sasuke fight against Gaara?"

"Yeah those were cool! Creepy, but cool!"

"I will be using all three of them in our spars. From now to when we get back." Naruto's face drains of all color. "Unless you never bring this up again. Deal?"

"Deal!" Naruto readily agrees.

"Kid, I think you and I are going to get along just fine." Jiraya tells me. "Also, I'll be starting Naruto on an A-ranked jutsu on this trip. He won't have that much time for sparring." Jiraya pauses. "Just because I'm letting you come with us does not mean I'm going to teach you."

"Whatever." Its not like I need him to teach me, I have my own teachers. "I don't need your help anyways. I doubt you would know anything I couldn't figure out on my own given enough time."

"You... you do know who I am right?" Jiraya looks very confused. "People would kill to be taught by me!"

"Jiraya of the Sannin, Toad Summoner, Seal Master, writer. Anyways, I've already been offered to be trained by a Sannin and I turned him down. Why should I care if you want to teach me or not?"

Jiraya is completely serious now. "Orochimaru offered to train you? You turned him down?"

"Yeah. He didn't like that." I place a hand over the spot Orochimaru shoved his arm into me. "His response was to shove the Jiongu into my gut. You're taking rejection much better than him."

"Uh guys?" Naruto says. "I'm pretty sure people are going to come looking up here soon. We did just have a fight here and kinda trashed the place."

He's right, there is a gouge in the wall from Sasuke's Chidori, there are many different damages from my elemental chakra string sphere defense (Kami I need a better name for that) and even some deep rents in the walls, ceiling and floor from Samehada. Not to mention the giant hole in the wall from Itachi's Amaterasu.

"We've been here long enough. If the manager catches us, you're paying for the damages!" Jiraya scampers off.

"We better follow him. He does this a lot." Naruto says.

"This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?" I say to myself and follow after Jiraya and Naruto.

OMAKE

Akatsuki's Hideout

"We're all here. Good." Pein's voice echos throughout the chamber. "Itachi and Kisame, report."

"We failed to get the jinchuriki. Jiraya of the Sannin was there to oppose us." Itachi replies.

"Anything else to report?" Pein asks.

"Can we tell him about Muffins?" Kisame smiles demonically. All of his pointed teeth are on display.

"I told you we can't keep him." Itachi reprimands his partner.

"What's a muffins? I don't know, but it sounds disgusting." Zetsu talks to himself.

"But he's way better than Kakuzu. He's got spirit and everything, you saw how he reacted to my attack. Who gets up from getting their head cut off and only says 'ow, that hurt.' I'm telling you he'd make a great pet."

"He's better than who?" Kakuzu growls out. "Be careful how you answer that, I might claim the bounty on your head after all."

"You, you old geezer." Kisame answers with an insane grin. "You've got the same power, he used black threads to stitch his head back on after I cut it off and he didn't die when I stabbed him in the heart."

"HAHAHA! Take that! You're not special anymore!" Hidan is doubled over in laughter. "We have to get this kid! If only to see how Kakuzu reacts to him!"

SHINK! THUD!

"What the fuck you fucking heathen? That's the third time this week!"

"Interesting." Kakuzu strikes a thinking pose, he's acting like he didn't just behead his partner. Again. "Perhaps I should go meet this... what was his name?"

"Muffins!" Kisame happily shouts out.

"Alvarcus Mar." Itachi drones out in monotone. "His name is Alvarcus Mar."

"I wonder if I can turn him?" Sasori mutters to himself in Hiruko's gruff voice. "I've always been curious to see if I can turn someone with the Jiongu."

"Tobi heard someone say muffins. Are we having muffins later? Tobi loves muffins!"

"How does he keep getting in here?" Sasori grumbles to himself.

"Yes!" Kisame says in victory. "We're getting a very special Muffins!"

"YAY! Muffins!" Tobi is currently running around the room with his arms straight up in the air. This is his happy celebration. "Tobi loves muffins! When can Kisame and Tobi go get muffins?"

"Enough!" Pein roars in fury. "These meetings are not for asinine jokes! This is not a game! The freedom of the world hinges on what we are doing and you're all squabbling like spoiled children!"

"But... what about muffins?" Tobi squeaks out.

"Tobi I knew you were a good guy!" Kisame gives him a thumbs up.