State Of A Duck

You ever wonder what it feels like to be a Duck? Well, Dave Duck did. He was a Duck from the day he was born. "Imagine the feeling of having a last name of a bird that tastes like discount

chicken"

was the knee jerk response he'd give to any "Is that really your last name?" questions, strangers would ask. Dave hated his last name and the family business. His dad, Doug Duck, and mom, Debra Duck, owned a restaurant called "The Dining Duck". He hated the restaurant for a number of reasons.

It brought already annoying attention to his last name at school. He was forced to work there every weekend, basically without pay. And the fact that a Duck themed restaurant was popular and thriving irked him. "Honestly, who wakes up and decides to order a duck meal"? He'd always think to himself as he scrubbed the dirty duck dishes.

His dad would see the visible irritation on his son's face and always thought it a great idea to poke the bear…or the duck in this case. "Breaking News! A teenage boy is high on horny hormones and is gloomy. This is indeed a first in the history of the homosapien species. We are connecting live to our DNN reporter on the scene. Debra, how is the situation?" He then hands the broom that has seen far better days to Debra as a mic "Thank you, Doug. It would appear that the teen is very agitated by the fact that his parents have a loving relationship and- Oh my goodness! We see something in his pants. Is it a phone? Is it a wallet? No. It appears to be a totally normal unwanted boner!" If looks could kill, the expression on Dave's face would be one of the four plagues of the horsemen of the apocalypse. "It's not a boner! Gosh! It's my 1997 limited edition Darth Vader Light Saber!" Damian and Dina (Dave's older siblings that happen to be twins) look over from behind the counter with the exact same expression of disappointment. "Dave, you see this right here? You're not made fun of cause you're a Duck" Damian staunchly states"It's because you're an absolute quack!" Dina finishes off.

Dave folds his arms and scrunches his face

"What if this was my thirteenth reason why, huh?"

Damian grins as he jumps over the counter and places his hand on Dave's

shoulder.

"Oh, Dave. There are no bathrooms in heaven for you to secretly rub your

'light saber' at midnight in"

"Damian!" their mom screams

"What? We all hear it don't we? Pro tip, Lil dude…Do it when everyone's out of

the house. Three centimeters of wooden wall doesn't block out those grunts of

satisfaction" Damian retorts

Dina gags and sticks her tongue out of her throat

"Can we not talk about Dave's sauce next to the Duck sauce?"

Doug then puts on his (time to be a wise and responsible parent demeanor on.

Which is basically a mustache swish from side to side and a quick, but firm pull

of his house famous 'Duck Slacks'). "You see, children…Satisfying one's primal

desires is perfectly natural. Hell, back in my day we made it an art. So, first

we'd grab a pair of latex gloves-"

Before Doug could finish (double meaning very much intended) all the kids

dispersed in a hurried and disgusted fashion.

A smug grin washes over Doug's face as he high fives Debra.

"Unlike a public-school bathroom…works every time"

After the working weekend came the weary week. Nothing about a week at

school excited Dave apart from chemistry class because he always got to sit

with his best friend and crush, Jasmine.

Jasmine was a girl you'd see on the school's 'prettiest girls' list. Granted she

was in 58th position on a list with 55 positions but Dave found her attractive,

nonetheless. She was one of the few people Dave could more than just

tolerate but had real conversations with. Chemistry being the longest class was

perfect. They're conversations always just flowed without a whiff of

awkwardness. They had an organic bond (badum tss).Mr. Martinello, they're Chemistry teacher, was running a little late. Which

wasn't much of a surprise because his lateness was periodic (badum tss x2).

Jasmine's face lit up with excitement as she turned toward Dave "So, I was

thinking-"

"Oh-Oh! Not you thinking again. Last time you did that, the whole school was

on the news. The janitor still finds fecal matter in cracks around the school"

Dave sarcastically retorted.

Jasmine folded her arms and raised her chin defensively

"Well, poop does come from cracks, so, the little guys where just finding a new

home. Besides, my idea right now has nothing to do with shit"

"Ok. Go on" Dave replied hesitantly

"What if…You…and I…Went to prom…together…For funsies?"

Dave's face wasn't expressing the sheer excitement he felt inside. But his

palms being sweaty, knees all weak and arms being heavy could give it away if

Jasmine was Sherlock Holmes or the average woman that watches a true crime

documentary series every night.

"Hell yeah! let's go for funsies!" Dave responded (a little half-assed-ly).

The two then sealed their decision with a contract binding high five.

But happiness just like breast implants, isn't eternal. Dave was reminded of this

after Chemistry class was over, the moment he stepped foot in the school gym.

"Hey! Anybody else smell that? I smell something a little…fowl. And I just can't

put my feather- I mean finger on it. Hey, DUCK! What do you think that smell

is?"

Gavin was his name. His generic High School bully voice was just as annoying to

most as his balding comb over.

Dave…despite his very awkward aura wasn't much of a pushover.

"I dunno, Gav, but to me it kinda smells like the third day in a row with the

same underwear and divorced parents"

Jasmine on the other end of the gym (being the supportive friend) shouted out

"THEM UNDIES MUST BE ON THEIR LAST LEGS! YA NEED SOME SUSPENDERS

FOR EM, GAV?""Now I know for a fact that Madam 58th ain't talking. Maybe if you dressed like

a girl and not like a male basketball player you might be able to attract a cow

or a very desperate pedophile"

The back and forth went on for a while as it usually does and believe it or not

this wasn't the worst of their exchanges. Unlike the movies or Disney channel

shows, this High School is real, and not some made up High School in some

short book. It's so real it has a name. Townstown High. It doesn't get more real

than that. And as a very real school very real things happen. Like the fact that

basically everyone is made fun of. Some, like Dave and Jasmine more than

others. So they tend to be the butt of the joke more often than not. That still

doesn't stop either of them from fighting right back.

"Dewds and dewdets, why don we callm down and just breeaaath. Everybody,

sit on the floor, cross your legs and breeaaath. Charlie, I know you're on a

wheelchair and can't cross your legs or speak, but you can cross your mind, my

dewd."

Coach Bradly…or as he urged us to call him, "Little Wind", was as surfer dude

hippie vegan as they come. How did a 'free spirit' like him get a job as a gym

teacher? Apparently, he was able to do the splits while every other candidate

for the job was a forty to fifty something year old, beer gut having, possibly has

tuberculosis, sweaty man on a list that rhymes with Text contender registry (So

about ninety percent of coaches today). He's pretty much every student's

favourite teacher, which is something most P.E teachers can't even dare to

imagine. Especially after the "Andromeda Cake" incident. Little Wind, in all his

generosity thought it would be a great idea to bring the students a well-

deserved cake. Unfortunately, he accidentally switched out his space cake with

the school cake. Forty-Three students and five teachers were higher than the

Milky-way galaxy for about 8hrs straight. That's also the reason the school's

mostly called 'Townstown High' and not the full 'Townstown High-School'. He

wasn't arrested because the school would've also been held liable, so,

everyone just pretends it was some weird unexplainable event instead.

After about half an hour of "just breeaaath" a few students opened their eyes

and realized that Little Wind was actually asleep. He had his old boombox

playing a tape saying those words over and over. The students then all got back

up (except Charlie cause…well…he's in a wheelchair for a reason) and did what

teens in High-School tend to do. Gossip, bully, and lie to each other about the"amazing sex" they had with their one pump chump and can't arch their back

partners.

One thing that popped up in almost every conversation was the Senior prom.

Kelsey

"But what if Gavin doesn't ask me out? My life will be officially over"

Mark

"Me and Silvia might do IT on prom night. Not like I haven't done IT before,

CAUSE I HAVE! But do my balls also go in the condom?"

Judd

"What's better? A necktie or a bow tie?"

Ezekiel

"Don't they both go on your neck making them both technically a necktie?"

Theresa

"If Jesus didn't go to prom, why do I have to go?"

Jasmine and Dave for the first time were a little nervous around each other.

They tiptoed around the prom conversation the entire day, talking about

unimportant things like, library cards, inflation and human rights violations of

different peoples.

"In my opinion, these laws against two consenting people of an appropriate

age engaging in 'activities' behind closed doors, are stupid"

Jasmine's "class presentation" voice poked out.

"Oh, for sure. Like, the penis isn't being inserted into you, Mr. judge, calm

down"

A silence waltzed in right after Dave spoke. The two danced their pupils up and

down and from side to side until their eyes simultaneously locked in on the

others'. They both stared at each other for a while that felt longer than the

while of a thousand-yard stare. Both then burst out laughing, tears and snot

and all.

"What a- wha- what are we doing?" Jasmine could barely get the words out as

she laughed on the floor."I dunno. We- we- we"

Jasmin grabbed her abdomen as her laugh turned into a wheeze

"you said weewee"

After minutes of uncontrollable laughter the two laid their bodies down on the

floor, scalp to scalp, staring at the ceiling.

"Wanna come over and have some duck?" Dave asked

"I don't know which duck you're talking about, but I think I've enough of both

for the next few days"

"Fair enough"

The school day was over, and both headed back to their homes. Dave burst

through the front door with a look of pure victory.

"Hear ye, hear ye. An announcement of grave importance is about to be

bestowed upon thee. I, your superior son and superior sibling has acquired a

young maiden for the ball this Saturday evening. Damian, you can suck my

royal d-"

"Dave! Language!" Debra cut him off as she walked out of the kitchen with half

of her hand inside a duck.

"What? I was gonna say decree. He can suck my royal decree"

"Ok. Looks like Lil dude just got a software upgrade. Ya still need a hardware

update though, cause that growth spurt keeps playing musical chairs with your

body and my dude, is your body losing"

"Damian, be nice, give your brother some credit. We as a family should boost

his confidence." Debra held Dave's shoulder, still with a duck on the very hand.

"We as a family should get him a booster seat amiright?"

"Don't be a dick, Damian" Dina retorted.

"I went grocery shopping today. So I have enough soap to wash every one of

your dirty little mouths"

"Mom, Damian and I are 21. That would be assault. But mom's right, Damian.

Lay off Dave at least until after prom"

"Yeah-yeah-yeah. But he knows I was just playing. You go, Lil dude"Damian and Dave had a seemingly aggressive relationship. But in reality it

wasn't that different from most brotherly relationships. Just like most

brothers, Damian and Dave would express their love and happiness for one

another with physical and mental abuse. Many psychologists would say that

this isn't the best way to express one's feelings but what do they know?

Doug always arrived after 10pm. Because of that the family usually had dinner

without him. Debra cut out a piece of duck for everyone right at the table as

they ate. Dave took a small bite and was immediately taken aback.

"That's not duck!"

Debra smiled from across the table "surprise"

"It's the other discount chicken?" Dave responded

"I'll have you know that turkey is more expensive than chicken"

"Why would anyone pay more money for the broccoli of birds? Doth thou

enjoy watching me suffer, mother?" Damian dramatically cried out with his

hand on his heart

"Well I for one am enjoying my meal, mom" Dina said as she took a second bite

"Thank you, Dina. At least one of you tries to be nice"

"Being a masochist makes meals like this so enjoyable" Dina added

Laughter broke out with Debra failing miserably to calm the noise.

Right after dinner, Dave went up to his room upstairs and crawled out of his

room window onto the roof. The roof at night was Dave's sanctum. He'd go

there whenever he was sad…whenever he was happy…whenever his thoughts

were cloudy…whenever he just needed some air. He laid there facing the sky.

The stars that stretched from horizon to horizon kept him company. All the

times he came up to the roof and wished upon shooting star after shooting

star finally made some damn sense for the first time. The girl he had a crush on

for the longest asked him out. His heart smiled from right ventricle to left

ventricle. This feeling was even bigger and better than when he got his 1997

limited edition Darth Vader Lightsaber.

"Holy shit. Jasmine is bigger than star wars" Dave thought to himself

As he looked up into the sky, he realized that things seemed to finally be

looking up for him."Maybe I should start working out. I can't open a pickle jar for milady with

these Sheldon Cooper excuse for arms" flexing his noodley appendages as he

body shamed himself.

The next three days weren't as different at home or at school. Just the same

old trauma inducing teenage events.

Friday came along and everything was kicked into high gear. The event

organizer was Little Wind, and he made the theme…you guessed it… outer

space.

Two chaperones were selected. Unfortunately for Charlie they were his

parents. Imagine having to not only deal with using a wheelchair, but also

having to deal with your very publicly intimate parents. Charlie's parents were

like the real-life version of Gomez and Morticia Adams (But without the weird

pain and death worshipping family). That's one thing Dave was really thankful

for about his parents. They owned one of the biggest restaurants in town but

weren't like Charlie's parents, even back at home. He could tell his parents

loved each other (especially because they couldn't shut up about it) but they

clearly had an understanding about not having any public displays of affection.

As Charlie's parents effortlessly became the most embarrassing parents of the

century, Dave reached his hand for Charlie's by the sleeve and whispered into

his ears "Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy. But look on the bright side…at least your

name's not 'Duck'"

The prom theme was announced a little late, so every student was in panic

mode trying to find the right outfit that not only matched the theme but

matched their prom date's outfit a swell (not like they needed to).

Everyone, however, knew that the combination of Little Wind and Charlie's

parents made for what could shape up to be a rule free prom.

Kelsey

"I'm gonna pour the whole punch bowl on Gavin's head. That asshole asked

Rachel to the dance instead of me"

Mark

"Tomorrow your boy's gonna do IT. I'm gonna be balls deep"

Ezekiel

"You can't wear two neckties to prom, dude"Judd

"Stop calling a bow tie a necktie, and yes I am. It's no rules, babayyy!"

Theresa

"This is going to be a disaster. Charlie's parents and little Wind aren't

Chaperone material. Oh geez. There's gonna be no room for Jesus, I know it!"

Jasmine and Dave looked on as the chaos unfolded. Jasmine folded her arms

and scoffed

"Look at them. Panicking like the world around them was caving in. Dave, I was

thinking"

"Oh- oh. The janitor just felt a disturbance in the force"

"I'm serious, you goofball. I was thinking about our prom outfits. How about

you and I dress up as the night sky?"

Dave's face spoke only one word…Confusion

"Like what if I wore a black dress to represent the darkness of the night sky and

you wore a white suit to represent the moon or the stars or something"

Dave looked up to the ceiling with his hand on his chin and put in his one week

of acting school performance as he pretended to think over the idea.

"Sounds like a good idea, Jazz"

"Of course it is. It came out of my mouth and not yours. So…you…me…night

sky…it's a deal?"

"More than a deal. I prom-ise"

"Make a joke like that again and we're both going dateless to prom"

The two laughed and high fived to seal the deal.

No sooner had the end of the school day bell been rung, than the entirety of

the senior grade leave through every conceivable exit. Most were rushing to

raid every thrift store in town. For some this (prom) will depressingly be the

highlight of the rest of their life.

Jasmine went straight home as she had an abundance of dresses on hand.

Because of Jasmine's very tomboyish attitude and style, her mother constantly

got her "gender appropriate clothes" in hopes that she would (as Dave loves toput it) come to the light side. Dave on the other hand didn't have a single suit

in his wardrobe. Well, he used to. He turned every one of the into a Darth

Vader cosplay. In case you hadn't realized it yet, Dave was a bit of a Star Wars

Stan. He went straight to The Dining Duck to ask his dad for a bit of money to

get himself a suit for prom.

Doug was deep-frying a duck when a hand touched his elbow and startled him

"Great beak in the sky! What the hell, Dave! You know not to creep up on me

like that. You damn near activated my combat training. I could've spatulad

your whole existence" Doug's idea of "combat training" is his six months of

being a Boy Scout when he was about 9 years old.

"How the hell did you even get into the kitchen? I'm facing the front entrance

and the back door is locked"

"Well…it was locked. Damian showed me how to open it without a key. You

just gotta jiggle it a little" Dave said as he nervously twiddled his thumbs

behind his back

"You're doing that weird thing with your thumbs that your mom calls "quirky"

aren't you? What do you want?"

"Well, I'm going to prom tomorrow and-"

"Oh yeah, right. Your mom and the twins won't shut up about how proud they

are of you. Congratulations, son"

"Thanks, dad. But I kinda need money to get a suit"

"You don't have a suit cause you keep ripping them up! But…because it's not

often that Dave isn't his teenage gloomy self I'ma do you this favour. But you

gotta promise not to complain about our last name for a month. Deal?"

"Deal!"

Doug handed him the money and Dave immediately took off (for the stores not

his clothes, you pervert).

As Dave jetted off Doug yelled from behind him

"BY THE WAY, YOU AND I SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE TALK TOMMORROW!"

"YEAH, SURE, THANKS DAD!"Dave went through a couple of thrift stores, but he eventually found a white

suit. It didn't really fit him, he looked like a 1980s pimp inside it. But if he could

create a Darth Vader suit, he could definitely make a "A Pimp Named Slick

Back" sized suit fit him. And that he did…after a few hours of sewing of course.

He went to bed at about 3am (standard teenager in High-School sleep

schedule)

The alarm went off. Dave got up and placed his head on the wall behind him

"Today's the day. I'm about to cross the friendzone endzone"

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!" Damian yelled from his room that was behind

the wall Dave leaned on.

"CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME PRIVACY!" Dave yelled right back

"NOT WITH THESE THREE CENTIMETERE THIN WOODED WALLS, YOU'RE NOT"

The screaming match was just another Saturday in the Duck household. Much

like the question "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does

it make a sound?". There's a question the people of Townstown ask

themselves. "If a Duck screams in its house and no one is around to hear it,

does it make a quack?". We may never know.

Dave spent most of the rest of the day planning out every detail to the very

last punctuation on a piece of paper. That was until there was a knock at his

bedroom door.

"COME IN!"

"Dad, aren't you supposed to be at the restaurant?"

"Your mom and Damian have it covered. I just came in to have that talk I said

we should have"

"Dad, if this is about the birds and the bees, you don't need to. I already know

how it works"

Doug swished his mustache from side to side as he chuckled

"No-no, son it's not that…I heard that Jasmine was the one that asked you out

to prom. Do you like her like her, or did you say yes as friends?"

"I've kinda sorta maybe liked her possibly for a few years now" Dave

responded in a very nervous and almost unsure tone."Well that's good. Your old man's just a little curious. Do you think she likes

you the same way though?"

"It's not rocket science. She wouldn't ask me out if she didn't like me that way.

And didn't mom ask you out first? It's a normal thing, dad. Girls have mouths

too, they can ask things, ya know"

"I know, son. I just wanted to tell you that whatever happens isn't your fault.

Like…in general. Things happen to us sometimes and we don't know why. It's

not always our fault. Sometimes we try to make the best of the worst. It can

work out and it cannot. Think of it like climate change…we're facing the

consequences of our parents and our grandparents and their parents and their

grandparents' decisions. They didn't know any better and now we have to

suffer because of their bad decisions. But you go out there tonight and have

the time of your life because making the best out of the bad hand we've been

dealt is the best way for us not to look like the joker of the deck. You

understand?"

"Yeah?"

Doug sighed in relief "Thank goodness. I'm glad we had this talk"

As Doug walked away, feeling like he just made the speech of his life, Dave

stayed staring at the back of his father's head leaving his room. And the only

thing that his brain could muster was a firm, thick and resounding-

"what the fuck?"

Doug's speech was flabbergasting to say the least. Dave was left

shocked…astonished…bewildered…gobsmacked…taken-aback…and utterly

discombobulated. In other words…shooketh. But after gathering his

composure he started to prepare. He took a shower and dressed so fresh that

he'd leave Damian impressed. As he came down the stairs his mom ran straight

for a mama bear hug.

"Mom! Don't!" Damian demanded.

"You'll ruin Lil dude's Tux. Hey, Lil dude…knock em dead"

A rare brotherly exchange of smiles formed between the two as Dave walked

out the door

"Thanks, Damian"As Dave walked out his smile grew even wider than before. Standing before

him was Doug, holding out the keys to his car.

"Since you got your learner's permit I thought maybe you didn't need a forty-

eight-year-old chauffer constantly looking at you and your date through the

rear-view mirror. Just make sure you bring her home by 10:30 without a single

scratch. Got it?"

Dave internally squealed but you could see the pure happiness in his eyes.

"Yeah, I got it dad. I got it"

He grabbed the keys and got into the car. He of course pretended to be calm

and turned the car on in the most "look I'm calm and not at all gonna race a

bunch of strangers in this thing". Driving off and seeing his family fade from

view made the moment seem even more surreal than it already did. For the

first time ever Dave was truly experiencing the moment. His mind wasn't

drifting away as it usually did. All he could think and breath and see was this

very moment.

"It's about to get even more amazing" he uttered under his breath as he slowly

pulled over into Jasmine's driveway.

"I don't need it. I really don't need it" he thought to himself. Reaching for his

pocket, he pulled out a small triangular paper. It was his "Plans For Prom

Night" planner.

"Everything great that has happened so for to me far wasn't on a planner or

anything. It just happened. I don't need this" He ripped the paper up and

threw the pieces down onto the car floor. Then picked them back up again

because his dad would spatula him if he found pieces of ripped up paper on his

car floor. The walk to Jasmine's front door felt like an eternity to Dave. The

sound of his heart beating flooded his ears like a tsunami does a small village.

Feeling the moment quickly went from a freeing feeling to a terrifying set of

emotions. His sweaty and shaky knuckles were raised to the door. Dave

slammed his knuckles against the wooden door in front of him, but whether it

be the anxiety or the sound of his loud beating heart flooding his ear, he

couldn't tell whether or not he knocked loud enough or not loud enough.

"What if I knocked too hard and scared her off? Or maybe I didn't knock hard

enough so I should knock again? What if I knock again but she already heard so

now I just sound really impatient? Should I wait in the ca-""Hey Dave" Jasmine cut off his multiple trains of thought.

The boy was stunned. Imagine being attracted to someone even when they're

always dressed like your big brother and suddenly seeing that person wearing

the hottest thing you can imagine. But then again, if you're really attracted to

someone, anything they wear is the hottest thing you can imagine.

"Hello! Earth to count stares-a-lot"

"Oh- I- sorry. It's just that…you look amazing"

"Thanks. You look pretty good too. So…are we gonna stare at each other the

entire night or go to prom and then stare at each other the entire night?"

"Yeah…you're right. After you, my lady"

"Why thank you, my knight in white slacks"

"Be forewarned, we are not to lay a singular scratch of harm on my fathers'

mechanical steed"

"Ha! I fear no warning from any mortal man"

"No, seriously if we do damage this car in any way, nobody will find our

bodies"

And just like that, Dave was back in the moment. It was just as usual. The two

joked and laughed and talked about Chemistry the entire ride.

It was seven-thirty pm, and they finally arrived. They found everyone already

having a ball…well…trying to have a ball. Apparently Little Wind wasn't able to

attach the disco ball to the ceiling, so a bunch of jocks were trying to do it

themselves (they failed). A few people clearly took the theme a little too far.

Rachel literally came in with a dress completely made out of a bunch of glued

together miniature planets. And for some reason a majority of them were

Uranus. Rachel just really loves Uranus. Maybe it's the size of Uranus…we'll

never know.

As the party amped up, more of those that had dates started to dance together

and it became more and more obvious who had a date and who didn't. The

silent but loud judgmental stares were about to hit terminal velocity. No one

really pegged Little Wind for the classical music type, but that's the slow dance

music he played. Waltz of the Flowers from the Nutcracker began to play, andbodies began to be pulled in closer. Dave finally grew his proverbial balls and

asked Jasmine to a dance.

"If I step on your toes it's not because I have two left feet but because I hate

you for this" Jasmine said giving her hand to him

"I'll take my chances" Dave replied with a confident smirk.

As the music began to build up it was finally clear who had a date and who was

date-less. Kelsey looked on as her on and off ex 'Gav' was dancing with a girl

covered with Uranus. The flame of rage in her eyes was mirrored by the heat

of friction between the dancers that Theresa dreaded as she clutched the

rosery on her neck and recited hymns to ward off the sinful actions she was

witnessing before her eyes. Jasmine and Dave seemed to be locked in the

moment. They twisted and swung and twirled and pulled in and out from each

other. They were more than in the moment…they were the moment. Kelsey

grabbed Judd as he basically paraded his two neckties like a peacock in heat.

Kelsey made sure to dance in a position to garner Gavin's attention. The music

then transitioned into a slow and romantic vibe. But even then the tensions in

the air were still very present. Dave pulled Jasmine in closer with a firm grip on

her waist. Jasmine's eyes widened in surprise, and she cracked a very small but

noticeably nervous smile. The two swayed slowly from side to side just like

those around them.

"Now's the time" Dave thought to himself. His confidence higher than it has

ever been. Because for once he was surer about something than ever before.

He closed his eyes, held Jasmine by her neck and cheek and slowly reached in

for a kiss. But just before he could…

"WHAT THE HELL, DAVE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" Jasmine yelled

"I thought it was the right time. I thought we both wanted this"

"NO! I DON'T, DAVE! WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT ALL WEIRD?! I THOUGHT YOU

OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND BUT APPARENTLY NOT!" Jasmine

pushed Dave aside and stormed right through the crowd and out the

auditorium doors. Dave right behind her tried to follow but was grabbed by the

sleeve from beside him. It was Charlie…nodding in disapproval.

"But I gotta go talk to her"

"Let her cool off, man. Nobody wants to immediately see the person that just

pissed them off" Charlie replied"What? You can speak? When? What? How? What? When?" Dave stumbled

across every word repeating each one over and over.

"Just because I'm on a wheelchair and don't too much doesn't mean I'm mute,

you idiot"

"Holy shit! Did I fall into another world? This is not my universe"

"Listen, whatever you said or did to Jasmine isn't gonna be made all better if

you see her right now. Let her cool off and then talk to her"

"But I- Maybe? Shit! Alright, man, I- I got it…Thanks"

"Exqueeze. Exqueeze me, dewds and dewdets. It's toime to announce ourrr

2004 prom King and Kweeeeen. I got all tha results counted up by Mr. and Mrs.

Charlie's parents and-" as Little Wind was speaking a huge splashing sound

could be heard from the crowd followed by gasps and chuckles.

Kelsey had just poured all the punch out of the punchball onto Gavin.

"That's what you get for making me jealous. WE ARE THROUGH!" She

screamed as she marched out

"WE ALREADY BROKE UP LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO! WHAT DO YOU WANT

FROM ME!"

The two left the auditorium leaving everyone the more baffled.

"Chaahhhh! That was like…totally weird, dewds. Anyway. The winner and

Kween of senior prom this year is…URANUS! Huh? Who's anus won?"

The crowd cheered and chanted for Rachel as she walked onto the stage.

"Ooh- You mean like the planet…I can dig it. And now…This year's senior prom

king is…CHARLIE!"

The entire auditorium was filled with silence followed by murmurs of "who"s

Charlie wheeled himself to the stage as his parents very loudly cheered him on

from the back.

"Maybe I'd rather be a Duck" Charlie whispered under his breath.

"All hail your dewd and dewdet prom king and queen, dewds and dewdets!"

The cheers finally kicked off again, though a little more confused than they

sounded before. Dave then slowly walked out of the auditorium to look forJasmine. He moved through the hallways and classrooms until he passed by

the Chemistry lab and saw a Jasmine shaped shadow by the class window.

Dave knocked on the class door and brought his head closer to it.

"Doth there happen to be a flaming dragon in there? Or a princess? Quite

honestly it doesn't matter. The king highly suggested that I return with one

or I would receive a highly suggested beheading"

"Go away. I don't wanna talk to you" Jasmine responded mufflingly as she had

crossed her arms and pressed her face into them

"I'm coming in" Dave opened the door and walked right in

"Ok, here it goes" he muttered under his breath

"I'm sorry for what happened. I shouldn't have pushed you into doing

something you weren't ready to do. I should've asked or waited for the right

signal from you. You weren't ready and I shouldn't have pushed…I'm sorry"

Jasmine exhaled with frustration while she hoped off the chair she sat on

"Ugh! You don't even get it do you? I thought that you of all people would

figure it out"

"Wh- what are you talking about?"

"You're my best friend, Dave! You know how forward I am. If I wanted us to

kiss I would've probably asked you like ages ago. I asked for you to be my date

to prom because I knew- no! I thought…that you of all people wouldn't try to

suck my face. I mean I literally said we'd be going "for funsies"...what do you

think that meant? Sucking face all night? I just- I just wanted me and my best

friend to have some fun together" The puddles of tears in Jasmine's eyes

finally broke from the ever-growing weight and rolled down her cheeks

Dave stared at Jasmine for a minute. All you could hear were her accelerated

breaths bouncing off the tiled Chemistry class floor and walls. Dave took a step

back and sat on the table behind him. Tilting his head toward the floor, he

finally broke the silence that permeated the air.

"I guess…maybe I was kinda just projecting my feelings for you on this whole

thing"

"Your feelings for me?" Jasmine asked"I don't know how to tell you this, but Jas…I've always liked you. You just make

me not feel like a Duck. I feel like me when I'm with you…I feel like Dave. I

don't feel like Doug and Debra's nerdy and gloomy son…I don't feel like

Damian and Dina's weird little brother…and I don't feel like whatever the hell

Gav thinks I am. The sound of the other students mocking me by quacking

every time I walk into the school, fade away when I walk into Chemistry, and I

see your face and listen to your voice and your terrible ideas that leave every

janitor within a three-block radius shaking in their boots. You make me feel like

an individual. Like I'm my own person"

Jasmin's tears finally stopped falling to the floor. Her face gradually went from

"fuck you, Dave, I hope you choke on an eyelash" to Just "fuck you…but damn

that was heavy".

"Wow…Dave…I didn't know. If I did I wouldn't have asked you to come with

me to this stupid space dance thing. But I don't like you like that. Also, you

shouldn't rely on people like that to keep you happy. It should come from you

and not anyone else. You're right though, you should've at least first asked. I

would've still said "no" though" she said with her chin slightly raised.

"And I really-really thought that you'd notice…or maybe go all Sherlock

Holmes to find out what the hell was going on with the way I am and the way

I've been acting lately. Especially after I asked you to come with me here.

You're the smartest guy I know but even you couldn't figure it out…Dave…I'M

GAY!"

"You're- you're gay? How? Why? Wh- when?"

" "When"? Ugh! God! You're an asshole!" Jasmine scoffed as she crossed her

arms and turned away from Dave's gaze. Tears filled her eyes up once again

but now in frustration.

"I can't go around saying that I'm gay. My mom would chuck me into

conversion therapy, and I heard they do fucked up things like electroshock

therapy and force you to watch Barbie commercials. And after that eventually

fails, the state would chuck me into a mental hospital. I- I just wanted to blend

in and feel normal for once. But then you made it weird"

"Wow! And here I was thinking you actually loved these sexy noodley

appendages"

"Pfft! Goofball" Jasmine said with a light chuckle"I really didn't know, Jas, and I'm sorry. I guess I got so caught up in some

fantasy that I wasn't able to see what was actually happening. I won't tell

anyone. Ever"

"You better not. Otherwise I'll make them make you watch those Barbie

commercials too"

Dave laughed nasally and reached forward to hug Jasmine. He hugged her but

she still had her arms crossed and pressed against Dave's concave chest.

"You gonna keep those daggers pointed at my chest or are you gonna hug me

back?"

"pfft. Hugging is so gay…Fine" Jasmine opened up her arms and hugged Dave

right back

The two held each other in their arms for what felt like a lifetime.

"So…are we going back to whatever disaster is going on in the auditorium or

heading back to the disaster that's our homes?" Dave asked

"Yeah…I think right now going back to the disaster that is my home is the

better option" Jasmine replied

The two walked out of the classroom and headed straight (no pun intended)

for the main school building exit.

"Hey! Did you know that Charlie could speak?"

"What? He can speak? When? What? How? What? When?"

"That's what I said!"

"Well shit. That's two bombshells in one night"

"Hey, you hear the sex in the janitor's closet too right?"

"Yup. I've never done IT before, but it sounds like they're doing IT wrong"

"Also, why would they do IT in there? The door's only like three centimeters of

wood thick. We can hear everything"

Dave drove Jasmine back to her house, and he got back home before ten-

thirty. His dad was in the living room snoring up a storm…you know…regular

dad stuff. He walked up the stairs and turned into his room. Taking off his

jacket as he looked into the mirror. His own reflection reminded him of thehurt he felt today. He stared at himself, top to bottom. He exclaimed in

physical and emotional exhaustion. He turned to the window on his side,

opened it and went through it and crawled onto the ceiling. Dave laid down on

his back and stared at the sky. But he couldn't see the stars or the moon or the

dark sky itself. All he could see were clouds forming above him. It's almost as if

the universe was mocking him and his pain. "Looks like rain" He said to himself

as tears fell down his cheeks. The silent tears quickly turned into muffled

sobbing. In just a few hours Dave went from the happiest he has ever been to

the saddest. Minutes went by and the sobbing turned into hiccupping

whimpers.

"Three centimeters of wooden ceiling won't drown out your crying, Lil dude"

Damian spoke as he crawled onto the roof from Dave's window

Dave hurriedly used his forearm to wipe away the tears as he miserably failed

to keep his composure

"Don't try and hold it in, Lil dude. You gotta let that shit pour out otherwise

you drown. And trust me…you don't wanna drown"

Damian's words immediately triggered something in Dave, and he held not a

single emotion back. He cried…he screamed…he groaned…he cussed. He did

this for almost fifteen straight (pun maybe intended) minutes. After that it was

the occasional sniffles and mild hiccups.

"I thought dad would tell you after what happened to me. Clearly that old fart

doesn't learn from his mistakes. I should've told you regardless of whether or

not I thought that he did" Damian spoke with a strong sense of guilt in every

word

"Tell me what?" Dave asked

"Well. Before I tell you…what happened…It was Jasmine wasn't it?"

"I made a promise not to tell"

"Yeah, that confirms it. Dave…Mom's gay"

"Ok, am I being fucked with? I don't have time for any of this, Damian!"

"I'm as serious as a heart attack, dude. There's this thing that happens to us

Ducks. It started with great Grandpa Duck. The first Duck. He changed his name

after visiting his extended family in England. But after he returned thingswere…different. For some reason he couldn't get into a relationship. Shit

became an impossible task. But then he met Great Granny Dersa Duck. But

here's the thing…Great Granny Dersa didn't…like men. Apparently Great

Grandpa left a bunch of journals with all of this, and grandpa (his son) found

them years later. He couldn't find any woman that wanted to marry him apart

from one woman. A gay woman. Great Gramps couldn't get his father's

inheritance unless he was married, and Great Granny Dersa was getting tons of

pressure from her family to get married. The two then decided to get hitched.

They had a kid cause they didn't want to seem suspicious"

"What does any of this have to do with me?"

"Slow your roll I'm getting there. You see, grandpa went through the exact

same problem. No woman wanted to go out with him. Hell, even the gold

diggers said 'no'. But then grandpa met granny Deloris. And…well…same thing.

She didn't like men either. He was madly in love with her, but she just didn't

love him or any other man that way. Grandpa told this this to dad when he was

going through the same problem. Mom has never loved dad that way. Mom

and dad were best friends from childhood all the way through adulthood. She

came out to him when they were teens. To protect her from getting exposed

and chucked into a loony bin he decided they should get married and she

agreed. Why do you think we never see mom and dad kiss each other or do

other weird gross affectionate stuff other parents do? They literally high five

each other as a show of emotion, dude"

"So…what are you saying?"

"Dad calls it "The curse of the Duck". But I don't like using the word 'curse'.

Using that word means I'm acknowledging that magic is real. And if magic is

real then so are gnomes and unicorns and the female orgasm. I call it a 'state'

instead. The State Of A Duck. So, that's how I know what happened to you

tonight. It happened to great grandpa, then grandpa, then dad, then me, and

now you"

"So that's it? I just have to accept the fact that I'll never find someone for me?

We're stuck with this cur- I mean this state?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Lil dude. All I know is you gotta keep that hand

strong. Cause you might need to rub that 1997 limited edition Darth Vader

lightsaber for the rest of your life"The two laughed and gently wrestled until they both laid down on their backs and looked up to the sky. The clouds that formed before had dispersed. The two could now see that vastness of the star filled and moon lit dark sky.

"You're not alone, Dave. You have me and everyone else. You know that right?" "I know, Damian. Thanks" "Love you, bro" "Ew! Gross!" "Your face is gross" The two bickered as they usually did and the vast sky above them swallowed their words almost as if the universe helped keep the secrets that were told this night.

FIN.