CH21: I Never Freeze (Except in the Winter)

I was going viral, apparently.

"See? How cool is that!" Flash said, as the video on his phone restarted and I got to see from the outside how the car spun, let the two misiles go through the windows in slow-motion, and finished spinning to pass through the trucks. "This is proof that Spider-Man is the coolest hero."

"Looks fake," I said, just for the sake of being annoying. "Where did this even come from?"

"One of the Sable International mooks uploaded it anonymously to the internet, apparently," Gwen said, researching on her own phone. "Seems like bad security, but what do I know?"

"Hm," I said.

I'd been a little worried about Sable after she quit the contract for Laura and I, but apparently there was an underestimated market for mercs with a sense of right and wrong. Good deeds needed doing about as much as bad ones, and some people were willing to pay for that. Last time we texted, Sable told me her company was going to 'take care' of some African Warlord famed for torturing his political enemies, so they'd need to lay low after that on account of the job being an international incident.

"So, how are things with your new little sister, in any case?" Flash asked. We couldn't keep Laura a secret, and she'd been on the news, so we just said we adopted her as soon as possible. "Does she have any good Spider-Man stories?"

"Not really," Peter said. "They mostly just drove in a straight line to New York without talking much."

"Boo," Flash said, tossing a fry at him. I caught it and shoved it in my mouth.

Illyana finally spoke up, once she was done mouth-harrassing her burger. "Still, it was pretty cool of you guys to adopt her just like that."

"Eh," Peter shrugged. "Lately we've been doing fine with money, and it was the right thing to do."

I smirked, "On a completely unrelated subject, Flash, I like your new hoodie. How much did it cost?"

"Oh, it was pretty expensive, but so worth it." His hoodie was designed to look like the top part of my costume, webs inside the hood and everything. "Why?"

Those hoodies had paid to renovate the basement into my new bedroom, now that I'd given the guest room to Laura. "No reason."

"It looks nice on you," Illyana told Flash, whose ears suddenly went red, and he mumbled a 'thank you'.

I raised an eyebrow. Flash didn't meet my eyes, while Illy did and smirked at me.

Fuckin' weird, but okay.

"Anyways, that's not why I summoned the Council of Blondes and Peter here," I said, clapping my hands. I reached into the bag at my feet, and I pulled up some presents. "I've come bearing gifts for you lot."

"Aw, what?" Gwen complained. "Jake, I didn't get you anything!"

"Well, now you owe me." I said, handing her a little box with a bow. I didn't bother covering hers in wrapping paper, since I knew that was her favourite part of the presents. She tossed me a quick glared, but she cut the bow and gasped when she saw the little necklace with a red heart-shaped gem. "Oh my god, Jake! How much did this cost?"

"Nothing," I shrugged. "I beat up a drug dealer and used all his money -and some of his crack- to buy that through some of my contacts."

Flash laughed. Everyone else that knew my identity laughed more nervously, and Gwen had an expression that said 'oh-god-my-present-was-bought-with-drug-money'.

"Now, for everyone's favourite jock," I said, handing a box that was covered in wrapping paper to Flash. He opened it and pulled out a picture frame, holding a photo of me in the suit, mid-swing.

The picture was signed. I'd used my left hand, so the signature looked pretty weird, but it worked.

"Yeah," I said, watching how his jaw dropped as he tried to process it. "It was just going to be a picture, but he stopped by the rooftop where I took the picture and offered it to sign it. Terrible handwriting, that guy."

Usually it was a bit cheap to give a signed picture of yourself as a present, but Flash didn't seem to mind.

"This is the coolest thing I own," he whispered.

Really, really didn't mind.

"Now, to my favourite blonde-"

"Hey!" Gwen complained, but Flash was still transfixed with the picture.

"I give this," I said, pulling out a huge tupperware. "This should have enough of May's triple-chip fudge cookies to last you two whole days, at the pace you go through them."

She was already eating them, but she thanked me through a full mouth.

"And as to my dear brother..." Peter grinned expectantly. "Your present is under the tree. Wait for the Christmas party, ya greedy bitch."

"The Christmas-" Peter blinked. "Dude, I'm not going."

"What?" I frowned. "They're doing it in your house, how are you not going? Can I come with?"

Peter and I both hated the Anual Neighborhood Christmas Party. Every year, someone's house was picked at random, and we all went there with food and just celebrated together because togetherness or some shit. Since we knew each other, we'd been joining forces to weather through it.

Except for that one Winter when I was five. But we don't talk about that.

"Um," Peter looked uncomfortable.

"Peter, I thought you said you'd tell him," Gwen hissed.

"I kinda forgot?" Peter said, smiling awkwardly.

"Tell me wha-" the hamster on a wheel that operated my brain finished its lap. "OH! Oooooh!"

Peter and Gwen blushed furiously as I looked between them.

"Yeah, no, sure!" I said, feeling a bit of heat on my own ears. "You go have fun- I mean, enjoy your- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

Flash and Illy looked up from their presents to give me some weird looks, but turned their focus back down soon after.

"Right," Peter said, completely red.

"We will," Gwen added.

"Good, glad for you two." I cleared my throat. "Well, I'm out."

And I ran off the cafe.

'This blows,' I thought, sipping some punch that didn't have at least one bit of booze on it. Big parties were never my scene. I really preffered to get together with a few close friends and maybe drink them all under the table.

The Christmas Party was a bunch of people I didn't know in a house I wasn't used to with music I didn't like blasting at full volume. And not a drop of Vodka anywhere in sight to make it tolerable.

It was bad enough normally, but with my new senses, I wanted to crawl under the earth and die.

I looked Laura's way, to see if she was doing any better.

She was wearing a new green dress that May had gotten her, and over it she wore a hand-made sweater that said "Dear Santa: I blame my brothers".

(My own sweater said "Dear Santa: I blame my sister".)

She was the belle of the ball, with everyone's attention on her as May went around introducing her. She was smiling all toothy-like, beaming under people's praise and shaking hands very formally with the older people.

I was hugging the wall, sipping my punch. Everytime someone got too near I felt a familiar tightness around my chest.

God, this'd be easier if I were Spider-Man right now. It was a bit startling how quickly my alter-ego became a comfort blanket.

I slid around people, and made it to the front door. I slipped out, and took a deep breath of fresh air. On exhaling, my breath curled white in the crisp winter air.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, leaned back against a wall, and closed my eyes. Or, well, my eye.

"Not one for crowds?" The old man that'd been standing there the whole time asked, sounding amused. He was leaning against a wall next to the door opposite to me.

"Not really," I admitted. "I'm more of a small gathering kind of guy."

"Hm," the guy said.

I opened my eye. I vaguely recognized the old man as someone I saw around a few times, but I couldn't recall his name.

"How about you?"

"Oh, well," he shrugged. "Usually I don't mind, but..."

I waited. He didn't continue.

"Nothing wrong with a bit of silence," I said, somewhat ironically.

He didn't say anything for a while, and we just watched the snow fall around us at the music played in the house.

"You'd think a party full of old men would be quieter, huh?" he asked, a corner of his mouth quirking up.

"Well, some did drag their grandkids to the party," I said, a bit amused. "And there is a new addition to the neighborhood for everyone to fawn over."

"The Parker girl, right?" I nodded, and he sighed. "I'm glad for them."

"You don't sound it," I noted. If he had a problem with my sister, he was going down. I wasn't afraid to smack around an old man.

"It's nothing against the girl," he said quickly. "It's just... my grandaughter, Helga."

Quicker than usual, the hamster did a full lap, and I said, "Ah. I'm sorry, I was-"

"You didn't know," he waved me off. "And she's not dead."

I swallowed nervously. I felt I was swimming in choppy waters, covered in blood, with sharks trailing me. Fighting villains, solving crimes, that was all simple. I could handle that part with my eyes blindfolded.

This? Personal problems that probably couldn't be solved with hilariously brutal violence? I didn't know if I could handle that.

"Would you mind talking about it?"

He shook his head. "She had a fight with her dad around July, and she ran off to my house. No one knows where she is, she was last seen leaving the apartment in Queens."

Oh thank god, I could solve this with violence.

"I see," I said, trying not to seem too chipper. "What did you say her name was?"

"Helga. Helga Norheim." He said, through a choked up voice. "Why do you ask?"

"Do you have a picture?" He handed me a piece of paper from his pocket. A pretty girl with black hair and green eyes was there. "Thanks, I'll be back as soon as possible."

"What are you going to do?" he asked me.

"'Tis the season," I grinned, and it might have been slightly feral. "Let's make you a Christmas miracle."

I walked inside with purpose, and immidiately dodge a thrown beer bottle.

Christ, these parties.

After explaining the situation quickly to May and Ben, patting Laura on the head, and leaving their presents under the big tree in the living room, I snuck out.

I left my "Dear Santa: I blame my sister" sweater and my illusion ring on my bed, changed into my Spider Suit (belt and sticks fully restocked), grabbed an extra-large backpack full of presents I'd been meaning to deliver once it was socially acceptable to leave the party, and ran off to the city, picture in my pocket.

"Hm," James inspected the picture. "Never seen her."

"Damn," I took the picture back once he took a photo with his phone. "You mind asking around?"

"Already on it," he said, tapping his phone. "So, you don't take the holidays off or something?"

"Well, that, and I wanted to give you this," I said, handing him a heavy box covered in wrapping paper.

"Aw, thank you!" he said, going to open it.

"Dude, don't!" I said. "There's like five kilos of weed and cookies in there! It's for you and the rest of the Trio."

He gaped at his present. "Wait, cookies? Like your mom's triple chip fudge cookies?"

"Actually, those are double chip. A different friend got all the triple chip."

"Aw," he said, disappointed, before shrugging. "Still, thanks man!"

"Least I could do after all you guys helped me," I handed him a few more presents. "Those are for the rest of the informants, if you don't mind spreading them?"

"No problem," he said, letting me pile up the presents on his arms. "Good luck finding your girl, Spider."

"Thanks, James."

I swung away.

"You guys really need to improve your security," I mentioned as I passed by the Fantastic Four's living room, where they all watched some classic Christmas flicks. "Oh, no, don't get up on my account, I'm just here to leave some presents. Merry Christmas, and happy Hannukah to you, Ben!"

I walked out the window, just in time to hear Ben say, "How does he know I'm Jewish?"

I didn't bother testing the defenses of Strange's house, I just left his and Wong's presents at the door and rang the bell before leaving.

"Psst, Stark!"

"JESUS!" He turned around and found me, standing upside-down on his ceiling and pointing a finger gun at him. "Dammit, we should have never let Romanoff near you."

"I dunno, I kinda like how it turned out," I said, tossing him a smaller plastic bag from the extra-large backpack I'd been carrying my presents in. "I liked the lasers on the vents, by the way. It was a nice touch to your security."

"How'd you get in?" he asked, looking into the tinier bag.

"The girl at the front desk was playing Solitaire and nobody in the building looked up."

He sighed, before pulling up an envelope with his name written in sharpie on it. "What's this?"

"Your present: the location of every HYDRA scientist copying your tech right now," I smiled as his jaw dropped. "Anyway, everyone else's presents are in the bag, so I'll let you hand them out."

He turned to look up from his present, but I was already gone.

I was still chuckling to myself as I swung away, bag over my shoulder like I was Father Christmas.

'Okay, how am I going to do this?' I did a backflip in the air as I thought, the motions keeping me hot even as the snow fell and the cold winds hit me. 'I'll hit up the seedy bars, maybe stop by and give some Hanukah well-wishes to Shocker while I interrogate him, and see what I stumble into?'

I wasn't sure, but some magical horseshit was probably involved. The name Helga Norheim made me think something, but I wasn't sure what.

Suddenly, a green light flashed on a rooftop. I changed directions mid-swing, and crashed into it feet first, ready to fight.

"Whoa! Easy there!" a teenager that looked around my age, wearing a dark green fur-lined coat, some bright green armor and golden horns.

Wait, golden horns?

"Before you attack, allow me to introduce myself. I am-"

"Loki, God of Mischief," I interrupted. "It's nice to meet you. I'm a big fan."

"Huh?" he blinked. "Uh, yes, of course it is."

He shook his head. Somehow, the horns didn't fall off. "I'm sorry, how did you recognize me? And you said you're a big fan?"

"Well, the horns, first of all," I said, making a curling motion with my fingers in front of my forehead.

He sighed, smacking a hand into his face, and I shrugged with sympathy. Nobody had seen Loki for months, and the last time he was seen, he was a rather attractive lady, so he must have been hoping to mantain anonymity for a while.

I continued, "And yeah, I like your style."

"Well, yes, of course you do!" He preened like a bird, puffing his chest out. "If I weren't the God of Mischief, I'd be the God of Style!"

"I'm sure," I said, laughing slightly and letting go of my grip on my batons.

This looked like Teen Loki, or rather, the version that worked as an Agent of Asgard. This meant he was on the side of angels, if a bit insecure about it. Or would it be on the side of Valkyries? The side of Norns? I should brush up on Norse Mythology.

"So, let's see if I can guess what's happening," I said.

"Oh, be my guest," he smirked.

"After some possibly slightly-suicidal magical shenanigans, you turned into a teenaged version of yourself, as that seems like the kind of bullshit that happens with magic." His jaw dropped. "Now, seeing as how you were going to say something that wouldn't make me attack you, despite your rather dismal reputation, I'd guess that you're trying to clean your slate, probably by working as an agent for some higher Asgardian authority, and you're on a mission that crosses with my own, and maybe is the same. That is to say, you want to find Helga Norheim"

He blinked. I blinked back.

"Am I in the ballpark, or...?"

"You are one of the strangest mortals I've had the pleasure of meeting," he informed me, a grin appearing on his face. "You are indeed correct, I am looking for the one called Helga Norheim."

"So magical bullcrap is involved," I frowned. Dammit, who the hell was Helga Norheim? "I just know I know her."

"My intel says she's related to someone in your neighborhood, maybe that's it?" Loki said.

"Doubt it, I don't know shit about the people in my neighborhood," I said, walking over to the edge and gesturing for Loki to follow. "I'm like the opposite of Mr. Rogers."

"Hm," Loki watched me as I shot a web. "I'll follow you on my own, since it seems you have a plan."

"I mean, I could just carry you," I offered, stretching an arm towards him.

Loki raised an eyebrow, before he smirked, sauntered over, and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Why, Mr. Man~ How daring of you to offer just like that."

"Please, Mr. Man was my father," I deadpanned, wrapping my free arm around his waist. "Call me Spidey."

Before he could make some smartass comment, I leaped, and he whooped with excitement right in my ear.

"Sorry man, never seen her," Shocker, or rather, Herman as he was out of his suit, told me. "Who is she?"

"Missing girl, trying to help her get home." I shrugged. "Usual holiday stuff."

"Right," he nodded his head at the temple. "My family's waiting, so if you don't mind..."

"Not at all. Have a nice Hannukah, Herman." I put the picture back in my pocket.

"And a Merry Christmas to you, Spider," he waved me off, and we walked away from each other. I didn't buy a present for Herman, I just left him a message on the last bank he robbed that he was getting that one as a freebie because of the holiday season. Banks were insured anyways.

"No luck?" Loki asked. I shook my head. "Figured as much. Damn."

"Yeah," I crossed my arms. "I'm running out of ideas. Most thugs aren't at the usual spots, on account of the Truce."

"The Truce?"

"Nobody fucks around until the Holidays are over, and I don't put them in the hospital," I shrugged. "I proposed it to a few crime lords, and they liked the idea."

"And when did this girl go missing?"

"A long time before the Truce started, but between the last time she was seen and now, I dismantled so many crime families, it would have been impossible for all of them to keep her locked up."

"Then maybe she's on some street somewhere?" Loki suggested. "Maybe she's living homelessly, for some reason."

I almost asked why she wouldn't go home, but I remembered what the old man had said. 'A fight with her father'. Who knew how bad that got? And if she got kidnapped by some thugs in the middle?I

"I was planning on passing by some homeless shelters anyways," I sighed, grabbing Loki again, who didn't seem bothered by the gesture.

Some swinging later, we were talking to a nice lady volunteering at a homeless shelter in Queens that I helped out once when some thugs tried to make a mess.

"Never seen her, sorry," she said, putting away the cans of food and blankets I gave her from my backpack. I was carrying a lot, but there were a few stops left to make. "I'll keep an eye out and give you a call if I find out anything."

"Thanks, Marie," I said.

As we walked out, Loki looked at me. "You don't know the people in your own neighborhood, but you know some random volunteer lady?"

"The people in my neighborhood don't give me tips when they stumble into some criminal activities," I said. Come to think of it, my web of informants was getting pretty big. Was it becoming a spy network?

I hoped not. Those things always got infiltrated. I'd have to get spies on my spy network, and spies on my spy network's spy network.

"Ah, naturally," Loki sighed, and scratched his head. "Can I see Helga's picture again?"

I handed it over, and he nodded. "You know, it's been bothering me since you said she looked familiar, but she really does remind me of someone as well. Maybe we should ask the magical community?"

"I don't have a lot of ties there, so you'd have to-" I stopped. "Wait, she reminds you of someone?"

"Um, yes?"

"Who the fuck would we both know?" I asked, frowning. "That doesn't make any sense."

Again, that annoying feeling of having a solution staring me right in the face reappeared. The hamster in my head rushed the wheel at full speed.

Old man told me a lot about his missing granddaughter.

The grandaughter's name is Helga Norheim, she has black hair and green eyes.

Loki and I both recognize her, but can't remember from where.

I tapped my forehead. "I just got it on the tip of my-"

I looked at Loki.

I looked at Loki's green eyes and black hair.

I grabbed the picture from his hand, looked at Helga, then back at him, then back at the picture.

I tossed the picture, walked to a wall, and started hitting my face against it. "I! AM! SO! STUPID!"

"Whoa! What? Did you figure it out?" Loki rushed over and pulled me away from the wall.

I grabbed him by the shoulders. "Loki, where does the name Norheim come from?"

"Well, it sounds Norweigan to me, why?"

"Can you think of anyone you know whose name sounds like Helga?"

Loki frowned, and then I could practically see the lightbulb turn on over his head.

"Hela." He whispered.

"Hela." I nodded in agreement.

We slammed our hands against our respective faces.

"How the hell did it take us so long to figure it out?" he groaned.

"We're very stupid people, it appears."

It was a trivial matter for Loki to whip up a spell to track down someone he was related to. We followed the trail to a warehouse where five people wearing red robes stood in a circle around the girl from the picture, though she wore battle armor and was chained at the wrists and ankles.

"I'LL TEAR YOU ALL APART! I'LL REND YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!" Hela screamed.

"A little more, and the goddess of death's power will be completely ours!" one of the robed guys, some asshole with golden decorations on his hood, said. "Then, we will decide who lives and who-"

I caught him by the chest with a web, pulled him towards me, and knocked him the fuck out with a punch.

Everyone turned to look at Loki and I as we entered through the skylight, although Hela collapsed in a tired heap. I was holding the leader by the neck of his robe, and Loki was holding a red sword.

"You all have five seconds to run for your health," I said, slowly dropping with a web.

The robed figures ran. They weren't fast enough.

Once the violence was through, I looked at Loki, who was helping Hela stand up. It was a bit odd to think of her as his daughter, since she looked like a young adult, and he looked my age.

I spoke up. "So, the old guy that contacted me was totally Odin, right?"

"Probably," Loki shrugged. "Which is kind of weird, since he's been on some sort of pilgrimage for years now."

"Huh," I turned to look at Hela. She looked weak, but she mantained a dignified air about her. "It's good to see you are well, Godess Hela."

She smirked, though it was slightly strained. "And it's good to see some mortals retained their manners."

"I won't tell anyone of what happened here, if you don't want me to," I offered.

"I'd... apreciate that, noble warrior," she nodded her head. I got the impression her pride was hurt, but she wasn't going to spit on my face just like that. "Tell me, what is your name?"

"My true name is a secret, though I am known as Spider-Man."

She lifted my mask up to my nose, and planted a kiss on my lips. Honestly, I kinda saw it coming, and it was pretty nice, though her lips tasted like blood. "Hela will remember the help you've given, Man of Spiders."

She vanished in a flash of green light.

Loki was giving me a sour look, and I cleared my throat awkwardly. "She's got your sense of theatrics?"

He snorted, and walked over, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'd rather you didn't kiss my daughter in front of me ever again, but I appreciate your help in saving her. Odin only knows what could have happened if these lunatics had succeeded."

He tightened his grip on my shoulder, and I wondered if he was about to threaten me.

Instead, he pulled me forward and kissed me. His lips tasted like strawberry.

"I won't forget your help either, Man of Spiders," he winked, and vanished in a flash of light.

I stood there, like a blushing idiot, with my mask still raised.

'Welp,' I thought. 'That cleansed my palate.'

I made it back home to open my presents.