CH11: Which Woman? Witch Woman

"There's a predator in the area. Some kind of magical menace.

"It attacked a coven up in Chattanooga, and after some light poking, I found out there's been a series of incidents coming down the Interstate. I used some scrying spells and…"

"And?"

"Whatever it is, it's big, angry, and very demonic. There's no rhyme or reason to the attacks as far as we can tell, but it was headed here."

"Yes, I felt it, but only recently.

"Wait, it was headed here?"

"That thing is already in New York. But it hasn't attacked anyone. Someone intercepted it first, and they're sitting together in some diner as we speak."

"Was it looking for an associate?"

"I don't know. All I know about this mystery someone is that they're tied to the Great Web of Fate."

I stared at the blond Russian girl as she wolfed down her third burger. Okay, I didn't know a lot about her, but I could recognize Colossus' sister.

Let's see, what did I know? Uh, blonde, Russian, constantly got screwed over by fate, raised in one of the multiple hells in the Marvel multiverse?

I could work with that.

"So, Miss Demonic-Russian-Schoolgirl," I started, "Care to tell me what brings you to these parts of the land?"

"Escaped from Limbo," she said, speaking with her mouth full. "Didn't want to stay with my brother, so I started wandering."

"And you hitchhiked with the wrong sort, and that's why I found you breaking some redneck's legs?"

"Pretty much," she nodded.

"Well, that blows," I stole one of her fries. "Do you have anywhere to stay?"

"Not really."

"I'd offer my place, but seeing how you just had to deal with Mr Redneck, I figure you wouldn't take the offer?"

"Probably not. What's your house like?"

"Empty, mostly."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I usually stay with my best friend's parents, but they don't have a guest room, so I crash at the couch. My parents never show up."

"Does your house have a guest room?"

Before I can answer, a portal opens next to our table. We turn to look and see it leads to the New York sanctorum, and that Stephen-freaking-Strange is coming out of it.

My blonde companion stands up with fists at the ready, but I put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"Are you who I think you are?"

"That depends, who-?"

"Oh, please spare us the 'cryptic magic man talk'. I have no patience for that." I interrupt.

"Yeah, what he said," the girl (I really needed to find out her name) said.

Strange (probably) grumbled, "Kids these days, they've got no appreciation for the finer points of being a sorcerer."

I smirked, remembered that my mask was pulled up, and readjusted it, but I could see the blonde smirking at me out of the corner of my eye.

"I am the definite magical authority of this plane, Stephen Strange."

"Magical authority? What, you're some kind of wizard cop?"

"Damn those wizard cops!" I growled. Blondie and Strange looked at me. "Uh, from A Very Potter Sequel? The sequel to A Very Potter Musical?"

"Never watched it," Strange said.

"Who's Potter?" Blondie asked.

"Oh, you poor thing," I put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll give you all the books and movies you need to appreciate the wonders of those musicals."

"… Thanks," She said, with very little enthusiasm. Then she turned back to look at Strange. "Also, Stephen Strange? Is that your real name?"

"I know, right?" I chuckled.

"Yes, Stephen Strange is my real name. I've had it my whole life, even before I became Earth's Sorcerer Supreme."

"… You are Earth's Sorcerer Supreme?" Blondie asked, tensing up. I could hear her hands tighten into fists behind her back.

"What a rude word to emphasize," Strange said, oblivious.

I gave him a small glare, and tapped her shoulder. "Don't worry. I have on good authority that Strange is on the up-and-up, even if he's kind of a prick."

"Hey!"

Blondie looked at me, looked into my mask's eyes very intensely, and then nodded. "My name is Illyana Rasputin. I was raised in Limbo."

Strange's face paled, "How?"

"Um, maybe we should pick some other place to talk about this?" I gestured around at all the other patrons of the dinner, who'd been staring for a while. "We kinda attract a lot of attention like this."

"Oh," Strange looked around, and I think he was a bit embarrassed, "Right."

"Could you maybe do some memory editing so they don't remember Illyana's face?" said blonde raised an eyebrow at that. "You know, on account that she's not gonna get much of a private life if people remember her as 'that girl that was at that diner with Spider-Man and Doctor Strange'?"

"Good idea," Strange made some gestures and lights flashed around people's heads while a portal opened behind me. "Follow me; there is much we need to discuss."

A few minutes later, we were sitting around a table. Strange's buddy, Wong, had made us some sandwiches (sidenote: they were amazing), and Illyana was telling us her story.

I… It's not pretty.

I'll give you the short version: when she was little, a man named Belasco kidnapped her. He took her to his home, a fiery demon plane called Limbo. Limbo is ruled by its own Sorcerer Supreme, who serves as a vessel for the Eldritch Abominations that pass as that place's gods.

Belasco claimed that it was for a sorcery apprenticeship, and that he wanted to teach Illyana great things. He told her he loved her, that all the pain and suffering he put her through would make sense when she got older.

Instead, when she got older, Illyana's mutant abilities showed up. She could make circular portals to anywhere in world, and even through planes of existence.

She could finally escape. So she did.

… When you hear about people that were abused as children, and people that saw it happening to others, you hear them speak of it, and you hear them use all sorts of tones; haunted, indignant, despondent, and so on.

Illyana sounded almost indifferent. Like it was just something that happened.

'Yeah, sometimes people get kidnapped by interdimentional monsters. What're you gonna do?'

I grit my teeth to keep myself from asking her to open a portal so I could go to Limbo and tear Belasco's spine out through his ass and flail him with it.

Strange bit the bullet and said something stupid before I could. "Illyana, I'm going to offer you a sorcery apprenticeship."

Wong face-palmed, I reached over and slapped the back of his head, and Illyana started running.

Strange ran after her, I stayed put. I could hear them arguing in the distance, but I decided to just finish the sandwich.

"Hey Wong?"

"Yes?"

"These are the best fucking sandwiches I have ever had."

"Thank you, young man."

After a while, the two returned. Illyana still looked uncomfortable. Before anyone could say anything, I spoke.

"Strange, you're an insensitive fucking idiot," the Sorcerer Supreme glared at me as I stood up. "With that said, you're Illyana's best bet if she wants to stay hidden from Belasco."

I approached the blonde and, on a gamble, took off my mask so I could look her in the eye. "With that also said, if you need a place to crash away from this bearded dumbass, come find me. I'll visit whenever I can, if you don't mind?"

Strange was grumbling about the lack of respect in the background, but we all ignored him. Illyana was hugging herself, but she gave me an awkward smile. "I'd like that, Spider."

"My name's Jake, actually, but yeah. I'll visit soon."

And I kept my word. Whenever I wasn't busy with school bullshit, training with Matt, or being Spider-Man, which wasn't often, I'd swing over the Sanctorum and hang out with Illyana.

Every time I visited, she looked a little better, and she had a new trick to show me.

She showed me meditation, nonlethal hand-to-hand combat, creation magic (she wasn't that good at it, more on that later), astral projection, basic defensive enchantments, incantations, protective amulets, intermediate defensive enchantments, beginner offensive spells, the list went on.

Mastery of one led to mastery of another. She told me that, at the start of their sessions, Strange had called her 'one of the strongest sorcerers he had ever met'.

Considering the kind of life a man like Strange led, that was saying something.

Months passed, and Illyana was acting more and more like an actual teenager than the hollow girl she once was.

As time went on, I too learned more from my own mentor. By the time I introduced Illyana to my other friends, I was constantly aware of everything around me. I hadn't been surprised by a sneak attack in weeks.

"Okay, seriously," Gwen and Peter were following me to the dinner Illyana said she'd meet us at. "Illyana's been through a lot, so I want you two assholes to be extra-nice to her."

"We're the assholes?" Gwen asked.

"If we measured asshole-ness with me as a standard, everyone would be a saint." They both nodded and conceded the point.

We entered the place, and I spotted her immediately. She smiled at me, but the expressions soured a little when she saw Peter and Gwen.

I could tell this might be a challenge, so I went ahead first.

"Hey blondie, these are the guys I told you about."

She took a deep breath and stretched a hand forward. "Hello. My name is Illyana Rasputin."

My two friends introduced themselves, and we sat down (Peter and Gwen on one side and Illyana and I on the other) to order.

The conversation was… lacking, to put it kindly.

No one said anything for like ten minutes; Illyana wasn't making eye contact with anyone. And when they did talk…

"So…" Peter said. "You're… a person."

"…Yes."

"Cool. I like people."

"… Hm."

I wasn't sure why they were all acting so awkward. Unless…

"Oh, in case you idiots didn't figure it out, everyone sitting on this table knows about what I do on tights."

"OH MY GOD!" That was Peter.

"WHY WOULDN'T YOU MENTION THAT?!" That was Illyana.

"JAKE, YOU ASSHOLE!" And that was Gwen. Naturally.

"Stop shouting, we're gonna get kicked out." I deadpanned.

After some more shouting at me, and getting kicked under the table by Gwen, the tension loosened.

After dinner and hanging out at a cinema, I was walking Illyana home.

"Jake?"

"What's up?"

"I had fun. Thank you."

"Any time, Blondie," I chuckled, reaching over to ruffle her hair.

"So Strange's mentoring someone too?" Murdock asked, as I punched away at a bag.

"Yup," I said, walking around the bag and hitting it with a few jabs. "She's a Russian Mutant Schoolgirl from Hell."

I hit the bag with a high kick.

"Or, well, from Limbo, technically."

"Jeez, I remember when it was just Mutants and super soldiers," Murdock muttered. "Those were the days."

"What about Inhumans?"

"Oh, you mean dollar-store mutants?"

"I'm pretty sure that was racist, Matt."

"I don't see race, Jake."

"Hilarious," I groaned.

"Okay, that's enough punishment on that poor punching bag," I gave it a final one-two, which tore the bag in half, and stepped back. "How're your magic tricks coming?"

"Pretty good, I think," I pulled a 50 cent coin from my pocket and rolled it between my fingers. "I don't think I can fool Hawkeye, or someone with our senses, but I've gotten pretty good at passing Web Bombs and coins between my hands sneakily."

I showed him by tossing the coin around in various ways.

"Not bad. Still a bit clumsy, but you're getting there." He pulled out that damned tennis ball canon. "Let's see how good you are at doing those tricks under pressure."

"Bring it on, bitch!"

Boy oh boy did I regret that invitation.

"So, Flash," I started. "You a big Spider-Man fan?"

"Gee, Fletcher," Flash asked, eyebrow raised and hand pointing at his t-shirt, which proudly displayed my emblem. "What gave you that crazy idea?"

"Hey, watch it, Skippy. I'm the sarcasm guy here."

Peter made a face.

"Don't give me that look, Parker. You test my benevolence plenty with your usual attitude."

He rolled his eyes, Gwen giggled, and Flash gave a small, hesitant smile.

"Anyways, I don't see what's so great about the guy," I said.

"He helps the little people," Flash shrugged. "I can totally respect that. Also, his powers are just really freaking cool."

"Huh-" I was going to say something else, probably something stupid, when I sensed that someone was about to shove my face into my spaghetti. I could have easily dodged it, but the person was approaching fast and silently, so I just sighed with resignation and let it happen.

As I pulled my face out of the bland, lukewarm noodles, obnoxious laughter crowed behind me.

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say it was Brooks?"

Flash nodded.

"Fucker," I growled, wiping the crappy salsa with a napkin. I turned around and glared at the asshole. "Hey, cock-for-brains, are you looking for an excuse to get your ass kicked?"

In case you forgot, Alec Brooks is the least exiting nemesis in my life. He'd been pretty out of my life as of late, so I was hoping he'd fallen in some shallow hole and died, but no such luck.

"I'd like to see you try, loser," he laughed at me.

I pulled off my glasses, rolled up my sleeves, and turned around.

"This kind of behaviour is not tolerated in Midtown High!"

"Since when?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Since always!"

I was in trouble, surprisingly. Usually, when I got in a fight in school, the aid of witnesses at the scene was enough for me to get off with a small slap on the wrist.

As the principal ranted, I leaned back to think on it.

"Oh!" I said. "His parents have influence on the board of educators, right?"

The principal stared at me.

I stared back.

"... Yes."

"HA! I knew it."

"Look, just…" he scribbled something fast. "You have detention for the next five Saturdays. If anyone asks, it's for the next twenty. Understood?"

"Understood!" I gave the principal a salute.

"Just get out of my office."

I left. Sitting outside, with two adults wearing suits flanking him, was Brooks. His nose was swollen and red like an extremely gross tomato, his eye was bruised shut, and he was still covered in garbage from the dumpster I'd tossed him in.

He glared at me. I blew him a kiss.

I was hanging out on a roof with Illyana. Strange didn't like letting the Russian hellion out of his sight, but every once in a while he let her come out to hang out with me, as long as she wore a pendant with enchantments to hide her from Belasco.

"I'm just… so frustrated, you know?" she asked. She'd been ranting a while about her failures regarding creation magic, and I'd been listening as I made a hammock out of webs.

I nodded, finishing the web hammock and inviting her to seat next to me. She took the offer, but sat far away that she wasn't within arm's reach of me.

She… she had issues, after Limbo. I understood, and tried to help. I could never claim to be an expert in psychology, so I don't know how much I actually contributed, but I think it worked. At least a little.

But I had an idea for that night. For once, Strange had asked me to hang out with Illyana, to try and get her mind off of her troubles. I'd thought about it, and I'd come up with a solution.

"Hey, do you wanna come with me on patrol?"

"Huh?" she stared at me. "You mean…?"

"That's right. This is your one-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a ride in the Spidey Express." I reached under the hammock and showed her one of my spare masks, except the lenses had been swapped for regular ones. "You'll have to mask up, though."

She hesitated. "… Are you sure about this?"

"Fo' shizzle," I said, hopping out of the hammock and walking over to the edge of the roof. "Even if it were possible for me to drop you, which it isn't, you have magic and portals to keep you safe."

I shot a web to another building and extended a hand towards my friend. Illyana hadn't moved from the hammock.

"Come on," I said, "Trust me."

Hesitant, obviously afraid, she walked over, before slowly taking my hand.

"Atta girl!" I said. "But you're gonna have to hop on my back, I can't carry you just by your hand."

"Oh, right." After some awkward re-positioning, she was riding piggyback, and I was about to jump. "Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't drop me."

I could have explained that my Spidey Cling ability wouldn't let her fall. Luckily, I knew better.

"Of course."

I jumped, holding onto the webs.

As we dropped, Illyana was screaming in my ear. At first it was panic, but as we swung as a pendulum, it turned into elation and laughter. In no time, my co-pilot was whooping and throwing one of her arms in the air.

"So, you took her for a ride in the Spidey Express?" Matt said, smiling and quirking an eyebrow.

"First off, shut the fuck up," I said, flipping him off. "Second, it wasn't like that. I don't see Illyana that way."

"Why not?" He was checking his pockets for the key to the gym as we walked. I pulled it out of my own pocket and handed it over; it was something he decided to add to my training. "According to you, she's pretty cute."

"I have three rules when it comes to dating, Matt," I raised a hand and a finger. "Rule number one: only date people in the Cape scene. She's involved, but she's not in it."

"That's actually not a bad rule," Murdock muttered, clearly thinking about all the grief that his double life brought him.

"Rule number two," I raised another finger. "If someone needs a therapist, not a relationship, don't give them a relationship."

That bit of wisdom was based on my first life.

"Rule number three," I raised a third finger. "Don't date people that have just escaped traumatic, horrifying situations. If you're that set on a relationship with that person, you can wait for them to be in a better headspace."

Matt was staring at me, even though he technically couldn't. "I'm surprised, that's very mature of you, Jake."

"… Thanks." I always feel uncomfortable when I'm complimented like that. "Anyways, what's in the schedule for today?"

"I decided to bring in someone that could teach you a few things you've asked about."

We reached the gym. Inside, there was a beautiful red-headed woman wearing a tight bodysuit.

I would have been a lot more excited had I not recognized her. Because I did, I was excited for a different reason.

"That's Black Widow." I said dumbly. "That's Awesome-Super-Spy-That-Can-Kill-A-Man-With-Her-Pinkie Black Widow. You're making Black Widow train me."

"Yup," Matt said.

"Holy shit," I whispered, before walking forward. "Um, Miss Romanoff, it's an honour-"

Before I could finish talking, she was pulling out a gun (a Glock, I think) from her belt and aiming it at my head. I smacked it aside, letting the shot hit a wall, and ducked under a roundhouse kick that was aimed to my face.

In no time, I was fighting Black Widow in Daredevil's gym.

… I love my life some days.

"Got to admit," Natasha freaking Romanoff said, sweating and panting on the other side of the gym. I was a little better off, on account of my superhuman physique, but she'd still run me ragged. "Matt was right. You've got potential, kid."

"Thank you, ma'am," I groaned. "So, are you going to teach me?"

"… Sure," she shrugged. "What do you want to learn?"

I leaned back. I'd been giving the matter some thought as I fought her.

"Well, you incorporate dancing into your fighting, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I want to do the same. I was hoping you'd show me some ballet, some breakdancing, maybe some capoeira?"

"I can do that. Anything else?"

"Uh, I sometimes have to gather intelligence on gangs, so I guess I'd like some spy tricks, if you don't mind. And, uh…" I felt my ears get hot, and the rest of my request came out as a stuttered whisper. "M-maybe a bit of, uh, seduction? In case I find a flirty villain?"

Widow stared.

Matt stared.

I stared at the ground and prayed for someone to kill me.

Eventually the dam broke and Matt started laughing. Widow smiled and told me that sure, she'd see what she could do.

After some weeks of training with Black Widow, or Natasha, as she told me to call her-

(Black Widow said I could call her Natasha squeeeeee)

I discovered that I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I said I was flexible as Spider-Man. In just some weeks, Natasha had made it so I was at the most balanced and flexible I'd ever been.

I was more graceful and trickier to fight. As proved by my opponent there, lying on the floor.

"So, I did some digging after our last fight," I said, as Electro was lying on the ground. As it turned out, I could overload his powers by dunking him in water and punching him there. We weren't near any rivers or anything, so I had had to rip off a fire hydrant and burn my hands grabbing him and shoving his face into the water that came out. "Your name is Max, right? Or it was?"

"Max was the old me," Electro grumbled, still dizzy from his beating. "Electro is what's here and now."

"Right," I was looking my hands over, they were red and pretty badly burnt, but they shouldn't scar. Or at least they shouldn't scar too badly. "How did you get your powers?"

"Failed experiment," he grumbled.

"You too? Damn, we should start a union, or maybe a support group."

"There's already a support group, but it's for villains," Electro said, rolling over to be face up. "Some of us can't help themselves, you know?"

"I've been looking into that, actually," I stumbled into my feet and shot two webs to check that my shooters were functioning. "Do you think maybe it's some kind of condition that makes people more likely to use their abilities to rob banks and shit?"

"I heard there's some egghead in Harvard studying that, actually."

"Huh," there goes my idea for a PhD in psychology, I guess. "Hey, you weren't hurt too badly from that time with Bullseye, were you?"

"I don't hurt easy, relax," he waved me off. We heard sirens approaching. "Want me to shout about how I'll get you next time?"

"If you don't mind, that'd be awesome."

Illyana went missing for a little while. When she showed up again, she had a cloak that was very similar to Strange's, and a staff made of some eldritch iron that I couldn't hope to recognize.

"… I leave you out of my sight for two minutes, and you become Strange-ette?"

"I met Belasco," she said, and suddenly all my jokes banished.

She explained what happened: Strange took her to some tropical island to train her creation magic, and Belasco happened to show up. He almost killed Strange, but Illyana stabbed him with the staff she finally managed to make right before Belasco appeared (turns out it was actually a weapon made for fucking up magi, who knew?). Strange did some action-therapy, which is basically therapy but with some explosions, Illyana created a universe in a Blight Plane, and she decided to become the next Sorcerer Supreme after Strange retired.

"… all that time, Belasco tried to bury me, not knowing he was just planting a seed," she whispered. She turned to look at me, smiling with fire in her eyes. "I demand to grow."

I wrapped her in a hug.

We hung out for a while. Illyana explained that she was going to step up her training, so we wouldn't be able to hang out as much for some time.

She insisted that if I ever needed help with something mystical, I could run right over.