Chapter 46: Comfort. (Epilogue)

Thursday.

Day 25.

Issa.

I didn't go back inside and up to my room until I knew there would be silence.

Just doors were opening and closing again like the first time. And just like the many other nights I'd been here, I couldn't sleep, as hard as I tried to feel the calm in this storm. All I did was stay up and stare out the window, only blinking when it began to sting. My mind tried to tell me none of this was real, because it wasn't, it was just a dream, but I couldn't help but feel indifferent.

For all I knew, maybe it was real.

That was all I needed to sprint up from my bed and begin pacing around my room. The clock read 1:30 am.

All I did was pace, feeling my heart rate do the same nonstop until I felt cold sweats form. 1:50 am.

The pacing had stopped and instead I was down on my knees next to my door, cradling myself in my arms, shaking uncontrollably. It was like I was feeling everything from the past few day all at once and couldn't stop. What had I done?

2:15 am. The sounds of the doors stopped ten minutes ago but I felt like I could still hear them. Ben would be gone now and heading over to the school. I had manipulated him, I was no better than Cam.

Cam...

He was just down the hall in the other room, probably sleeping. By this point tears finally slipped out and didn't show sign of stopping. I couldn't be inside this room any longer.

2:30 am. I was walking the darkly lit halls unsure where to go. I truly just wanted to leave and not care about the consequences of it, but couldn't be selfish like that. I knew someone could come walking and see me acting like a lunatic any second but that didn't matter, I'd deserve it.

I would try and remember what Cam told me, that I'd get used to it eventually, that I needed to.

That only led me to walking back towards my room, back upstairs, but when I stepped in front of the door I noticed too late that I wasn't even at my own door at all. It was Cams and I was already inside and closing it behind me. It wasn't on purpose, or even done consciously. Or maybe it was and maybe I just wanted to see him deep down, despite how opposite his feelings were for me.

He was sleeping of course, I mean it was almost 3 in the morning. I made myself over slowly, the only light being his alarm clock next to him on his nightstand and the moonlight out his window. He was curled up inside his blankets with a pained expression on his face. I noticed he was twitching the longer I stared. He must have been having a nightmare or something. I want to laugh at the realization that we were in fact already inside a nightmare already.

If only it were funny in the slightest.

I was beginning to feel creepy standing there looking at Cam, and I don't think when I outstretch my hand to poke him lightly, hoping to maybe wake him and immediately regret it.

Thankfully he doesn't move at first, and it isn't until I turn around that I heard sleepless mumbling;

"What the-Issa?" I look at his clock and see it just turn 3 am, then the panic sets in again.

"I'm sorry-I don't know why I'm here. Sorry-I can go-sorry-" I was almost sure Cam couldn't see the tears along my face, but there was no way he didn't hear my pained whines now as I paced backwards to his door, fumbling for the doorknob.

"Woah, woah. Are you crying? Turn-turn on the light-please." His voice was sleepy and concerned, but mainly like he was still halfway between sleeping and awake.

"No, please! I don't want you to see me like this. I'm a mess." I look down at Cam and see him lift himself to sit on his bed finally, just staring at me now.

"Okay, no light then. Why are you here Issa? It's 3 in the morning. Have to gotten any sleep?" I shake my head but am unsure if he can even see it so I add;

"I don't know."

"You don't know if you've gotten any sleep or why you're here?" I felt so stiff and almost irritated as Cam questioned me, not because of him, but because I had no idea what I even meant either. I wasn't sure if I had even slept or why I was here to begin with. Cam stays sitting on his bed rubbing his eyes at me waiting for an answer but I'm just as lost as he is.

"I don't know." I repeat it and I hear Cam exhale and shift back onto his bed, clearly having enough of me. I turn and decide he obviously doesn't care and that I should just go but as I turn I can't make myself go. Cam probably couldn't see what the hell was going on with me, but I still felt eyes on my back.

I knew if I left and went back to my room I would just be back there again and the panic would all repeat the next night, and I couldn't go another night without sleep. It was obviously beginning to make me lose my sanity more than I already had.

"Cam, can I-" I'm leaning against his door away from Cam as I pleaded to him, as if it was there to hug me back and make me feel better, pressing up against it pathetically. I hesitate when all I hear is dead silence behind me, then I finish;

"Can I sleep with you Cam?" Of course I knew his answer already, I could pretty much already hear the way his tone would be as he did. 'What? No. Go back to your own room.' He would maybe even scoff at me and tell me to get over it again like the other day. Maybe even-

"Okay." Cams voice is unexpectedly sweet and I finally turn to gawk at him. I still barely see his face but can see him move over to the side of the bed closest to the wall.

"I-I would get over here before I change my mind." I'm brought back into reality and was slowly walking closer to Cams bed, then even slower when I was setting myself down by him. He was scooted over far enough away that we couldn't touch even by accident. I put myself under his covers with him and only felt the same as when I was inside my room. Nothing had changed, I don't know why I expected this to help me-

"I still feel-" I didn't mean to say it out loud, but now it was pretty much out in the open for Cam to hear. He shuffles beside me and I turn to see he was already looking at me previously staring up at the ceiling.

"I feel the same as when I was in my own room. I feel gross-about what I did. I know you said to get used to it but I can't Cam. I just can't." Cam still doesn't move, he barely even reacts to my complaints, he just listens.

"I don't know if I'm having a panic attack or something, but I feel cold and hot and I can't breathe right-" My breathing picks up again and I feel the need to begin pacing again, but other words stop me this time.

"What can I do to help? I don't know how to-help you Issa. I can open a window or something-" Cam begins panicking almost as much as I am then, and I find myself feeling guilty for causing it. I didn't know what I expected him to be able to help with. It wasn't like he could actually do what I wanted.

If he were the real Cam, the one who would cuddle with me and love me so closely, I wouldn't even need to ask, I would already be inside his arms being comforted and held like I really truly wanted. But I couldn't possibly ask that from this one.

"I'm sorry Issa, but I don't know what to do." I look at me and Cams positions already and how far I've gotten without really meaning it. We were in bed together, much more than I'd ever expected to happen. Day one Issa would have slapped the hell out of me for doing this. I was already this far, nothing was stopping me from asking to lay in bed with him before, and I had nothing to lose now either as I asked softly;

"H-hold me." Cam is quick to rotate in his spot and give me a humored scoff. I don't react and that's when he realized just how sincere I was being.

"I need you to hold me. It's why I came here Cam, please." I can feel the tears falling again as I speak, not knowing what his reply would be this time around. Surely a no, but that was what I expected last time and didn't get it. Cam surprises me before I can get the chance to doubt myself more by opening up his arms hesitantly. He doesn't speak, he only moves subtly closer for me to be engulfed in his strong arms.

We don't say anything as I wrap my arms around his waste and he does the same by taking his hands and gently cupping my face and moving me in. His heart is on the fritz as I lean against his chest and I'm sure mine was doing the same.

"I'm sorry I'm not who you really want, but I hope it helps." I don't move. He meant George. I couldn't express just how much I wanted both of them to be holding me, but right now Cam was enough. But I couldn't tell him that. I don't say a word so Cam adds;

"How are you able to put up with me after what I said in the theater room? It was uncalled for and you didn't deserve that, no matter how much we don't really get along." The tears that so recently couldn't stop finally subdued and I was taking in Cams all too familiar scent, almost not hearing him.

"I needed it actually. I'm thankful you said it. So, don't worry about it." I feel his head nod an okay at me then we both went quiet. It only gave my head more time to think about what I was dreading knowing and I was scarcely asking;

"What happened with Jo that night? With you and her?" Cam shuffles in our positions, moving me so he could watch my face, which only made me feel intimated by his eye contact.

"If you're asking if I slept with her, I didn't. It happened the same way as with Ben. Arges took care of it. I never sleep with anyone I Hunt. Unlike-" Cam stops and sees the hurt in my face before realizing just how close we were and swiftly moves back to hold me against his chest safely.

"I wouldn't do that. I have George." I find myself rolling my now sorely tired eyes at him. I let out a yawn then.

"What is it about George that you like so much?" Cam chuckles at my question then confidently admits;

"You mean besides just about everything?" I couldn't agree more.

"Alright. I get it." That was the last thing we said to eachother before silence overtook the room and sleep overcame Cam before I could get the chance. It was in those few minutes of his sleep that I felt a change occur.

Whether Cam intended it or not, as we drifted off into a deep sleep, I felt his bristlely chin nuzzle down comfortably into my neck and stay there unlike before. Cams warmth put me to sleep just as fast soon after, leaving me content for the first time since I'd been here at the cabin.

Morning arrived and I was still inside Cams sleeping arms, then my mind was going blank when I planted an unsuspecting kiss on his cheek and fell back into a peaceful sleep, as if I was back inside my real room at the house.

But for now I'd settle for this ongoing nightmare.