Chapter 31 : Existential crisis

[Author note : If you're interested in reading more chapters, or other stories, search for Cathbel on the Patréon website (replace the é by an e). Also, sorry for the delay. I completely forgot to upload because of... Well, life ! Enjoy !]

===========

As he walked alone the dark tunnels leading deep into the forest, Simon pondered. His eyes were fixed on the ground and his arms were crossed.

« Do I actually want to be a hero ? » His voice asked to no one in particular. And, even though Crys knew what he said, he didn't answer as it was something Simon needed to figure out for himself.

As a youth, Simon had always loved the idea of superhero in comics. It made his dull life spent in sickness a little more… colorful. When someone dies, they sometimes tend to give meaning to their life by accomplishing something. However, it wasn't the case for him. He realized early on in his life that his illness affected more than just him. In fact, beyond the pain and the weak constitution, his parents were much more affected than he was mentally. So, he made his meaning in life about them… He did everything they wanted for him to get better. And in the long hours spent in the hospital, comic books and TV were his only distraction.

Living like this made him somewhat sheltered and naive… And that's why he loved the idea of infallible superheroes dealing with world ending threats.

But after the last few years… He came to understand about the somewhat darker instances of a world with powered people. He also understood better the meaning of Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even though it was something said about absolute monarchy rather than personal physical power, it still applied. When you possessed something no other had, something that made you so much stronger than the common man, it often went to your head.

And with the Terran Empire being what it was, Simon couldn't help but feel as if the universe was truly an awful place. He didn't know if it was always like this, and he was too protected to see it, or if something had changed humans drastically during those long centuries he spent in cryostasis… Nevertheless, all this couldn't help but leave a mark on Simon.

He was disillusioned of his childhood beliefs. He now knew that someone incorruptible and infallible just could not exist. And in retrospect, even in the Detective Comics and Marvel franchise, the characters were anything but ! He just didn't see it… And since the stories often boiled down to the idea that Justice triumphs over Evil, the world depicted in those stories seemed more fantastical than dangerous.

As for Simon, he was… A broken man. The bonding with Crys had somehow cobbled him back together a bit but that didn't mean that he was whole. If he didn't sleep very much, it was because he was plagued by nightmares. Even on this world, every time he saw what he considered an alien (but actually were the inhabitants of this world), he had flashbacks of his time in the military.

A monster like him, who killed so many innocents while working for a truly evil empire… It just couldn't be a hero !

Emerging in the shades of the forest from the tunnels, Simon sighed. He left the bunker because he needed to think, to be alone. And now, he didn't even know what to do… So, he let himself fall on his butt in the grass, then lied down, crossing his arms behind his neck.

The sky beyond the tree leaves trying to hide it was covered in dark menacing clouds as if to echo his current mindset. He smiled slightly at the idea… Was it possible for him to control the weather somehow ? This world had magic and magic used some kind of energy, right ? He probably could absorb it, then. And if he learned how to use, he probably could control it. Or, he could possibly use kinetic energy to mimic wind, increase or decrease the heat in an area… He read somewhere (a manga) that that's caused storm cloud : quick change in temperature. Maybe he remembered wrong…

The idea of manipulating the weather brought him back to the topic of power. What should he do with it, now that he had it ? Why was he even training in the first place ? Sure, part of it was due to it being a hobby he desperately needed to get his mind off… Well, everything else. He couldn't help but wonder however, if there wasn't a small part of him who wanted to use this power for something…

The question was what ? His behavior ever since they landed on Aranipoc was erratic, he discovered. One moment, leading a one-man crusade against tyranny to discourage himself midway. Another, ignoring the fear and danger innocents faced during a bank robbery, to finally end up helping the criminals… Even if by happenstance.

Lost in thought, Simon stood up and walked in the direction of the nearest town. It was only when he was standing in the busy, crowded and noisy market streets that he was brought back to reality. He watched as an old lady struggled to carry heavy bags of groceries, but was still planning on buying more. She argued with a merchant, trying to haggle the price of his fish to finally add another package in her bag. Should he help her ? His parents taught him that it was not only natural, but also right for someone strong to help the weak. And he should especially be respectful to the elderly for some reason.

Then, a group of three children yelling playfully and running after the leading one passed him by. They reached a less crowded area and the girl in the lead turned around, raising her stick like a sword as the others arrived near her, doing the same. She yelled something about Dresper and how they wouldn't be able to defeat it/her. Simon didn't know if it was a surname or the name of a species. Still, he smiled at the children playing innocently, either unaware or uncaring about the savagery of the universe. Children too, were supposed to be protected, according to his parents.

They didn't care about the color of one's skin or where they came from. They thought that everyone was born the same, and thus should be treated the same. Still, they also knew that the way they were raised, the culture they were from, made them… different, too. People should put themselves in each other's shoes if they wanted to understand each other, they thought. His parents believed it would make the world a better and more peaceful place.

Does the idea only apply for humans ? His situation was much different than anything his parents ever faced. The only extraterrestrials they saw were the ones in movies. As for leaving Earth ? It was pretty much impossible for most people. So, they wouldn't be really able to relate to his current situation… Still, as he swept the marketplace with his gaze, Simon decided to engrave his parents' teachings in his heart once more…

« I don't know if I can be a hero… » The human muttered under his breath. « But I want to become a better person. »