Chapter 40: Barack X Huma

Barack was constantly aware of the presence of Joel's ancient artifact as the journey deep ino Iowa continued, the car as usual driving itself. Barack had long had a habit of always fingering objects in pockets, however meaningless they may be. As a child Barack had once lost his wallet on an airplane. Barack still remembered that moment with vivid horror. This was the first time that Barack's parents had ever trusted the child with any kind of responsibility and Barack had managed to ruin it completely. The wallet was never recovered.

Barack had no idea what a VHS tape was and without Internet access there was no easy way to look it up. But it didn't really matter. Proof had become a very secondary concern at this point. Barack had long been harboring doubts about the rules of engagement the Rainbow Shirts had been operating under. At times it seemed like the only real beneficiaries were those sad little trolls, who took advantage of their honor via stalling tactics, or outright falsehoods. Going by Homer's analysis, this entire war against the fascist states of America was just another form of trollwork, decided to inhibit the efficiency of the Rainbow Shirts.

That was the moment that Barack had decided to stop playing around. Which was ironic enough, given Homer's usual stance of caution. All the same this was the only rational interpretation. Jerry Shankar had to be destroyed at any possible cost., being simply too dangerous to be left alive. Any other information Homer had to offer was ancillary to this point. Even Homer's warnings about Joel Rotierre likewise being an unknown danger seemed, well, pointless. Barack had never trusted Joel that much, carefully heeding the Oracle's warning that the person was literally incapable of telling the truth. Yet Joel was such an utter non-presence in Barack's decision-making process it was difficult to take the person seriously. Barack's decisions were quite beyond Joel's influence.

There were other places where this kind of moral fortitude would prove awkward for Barack though. The big problem was that before meeting Joel, Barack had already promised Huma some precious time. It was a questionable agreement even before Barack had landed upon new intelligence from Joel, and now Barack just saw the whole meeting as a meaningless enterprise. Why was Huma always trying to meet people anyway? Most of Huma's questions were so banal they could be more easily addressed digitally.

Still, Barack tried to maintain a sense of a calm patience as he met Huma at yet another obscure motel. There seemed to be no end to them these days. But then, that was only because Barack bothered to stay at the ones that were still open.

"It's good to see you!" cried Huma, embracing Barack with open arms in the clearly long abandoned conference room of what was once surely a very magnificent motel. Barack sniffed. This one smelled even worse than the last one.

"I'd like to make this brief," said Barack. "Can we speak off the record?"

"Sure!" said Huma cheerily. "Have you seen my new video? I just posted it."

"What?" said Barack, startled. "How? We're in Iowa. There's no reception here."

"Homer found a place!" said Huma. "I feel like I've misjudged Homer. What a pal."

Barack chose to ignore the inherently bizarre nature of this statement. Huma and Homer had long been at each other's throats. Barack also chose to ignore the fact that apparently Huma and Homer had located a reliable source of Internet all the way out in Iowa. Barack's entire itinerary had been planned under the assumption that functional Internet in Iowa was nonexistent. It was too late to change anything at this stage, not that it would be advisable. Esther would no doubt be furious at Barack for trying to integrate the Internet into an operation like this at such a late stage.

"Anyway," said Barack. "I think we finally have a lead on where Jerry Shankar is lurking. We're going to flush him out once and for all, and then kill Jerry Shankar."

"Whoa there, uh slow down," said Huma. "Which part of that did you want off the record? The Rainbow Shirts deciding that Jerry Shankar does exist after all, that you're hunting Jerry Shankar down, or that you're trying to kill Jerry Shankar?"

"Well," said Barack, thoughtfully, not having considered the subtleties of the situation. "I guess the part about Jerry Shankar existing, that part you can put on the record."

"You know," said Huma, hands thrown up in the air, "I really don't know what to do with you sometimes."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on!" Huma said. "You suck at communicating. What you really need is a press secretary."

"You could always talk to Joel."

"A press secretary I'm not fucking would be preferable, Barack."

"Hey," said Barack. "I didn't make you start fucking Joel."

"Are you sure?" said Huma. "You're gonna dangle a toy like that right in front of my face, and pretend like you were just so shocked that I'd want to fuck it? Seriously Barack? How long have you known me? Any idiot could have predicted that."

"Look," said Barack, trying to maintain a serious attitude. "These are extremely delicate security operations and there's just no need for you be involved."

"Why not?"

"Because of the element of surprise," said Barack, annoyed. "I can't have you just announcing our plans. What if Jerry Shankar makes a break for it?"

"Yeah, uh, about that," said Huma. "I don't think you've got a good handle on Jerry Shankar. This might not be the best time for a person hunt."

"You can't be serious," said Barack. "Most of the time you're sticking it to us for not trying hard enough to take Jerry Shankar did."

"Yeah, but here's the thing," said Huma, leaning in. "We have one of Jerry Shankar's sites now. Just get some of your tech guys in to look at it and there's bound to be some good data. Didn't you watch my report?"

"Er," said Barack. "I've been kind of busy."

"That's a real lousy excuse," said Huma, rolling her eyes. "Why do you think I do this Jerry? You think it's just fun and games for me? Of course not! Sunlight is the best disinfectant. I tell as many people possible every way I can, and that helps us resist evil that much more effectively. I can only help you if you help me Barack. Come on. We're all on the same team here."

Barack nervously fingered the artifact, hoping that Huma wouldn't notice somehow. If Huma was right, letting the news cycle know about the proven corruption of the Free State of Iowa right now would be ideal. It would mobilize the other relevant factions against them, and possibly derail the second constitutional convention entirely, although Barack and Homer had differing opinions on just how a second constitutional convention might go in practice.

Yet another part of Barack found Huma's argument to be fundamentally abhorrent. How could Barack or anyone else possibly trust normal, common people to do the right thing with information? For far too long they had allowed Jerry Shankar to poison the discourse. That was the root of every single problem the United States was facing at the moment. And besides, Huma's argument was nothing new. Barack had heard it and argued against it all the time, quite compellingly once upon a time. It was just, this one time in particular, Barack was a little preoccupied. And this was a time for leadership, not overthinking.

Right now, the Free State of Iowa had to come second. Barack had thought about this question many times in the hours it had taken to arrive in Iowa proper. The best plan was to wipe out Jerry Shankar first, and then focus on a different plan. Barack couldn't risk Huma coming to a different conclusion about the right order of operations, inadvertently sabotaging everything by giving typical uninformed citizens misleading ideas about who was the enemy. Or more importantly, why.

"I'm sorry, Huma," said Barack. "I really am sorry. I have to go. Your reporting is welcome and appreciated as always. But right now you have to let the people who make the news actually make the news."

"What?" asked Huma. "You've barely even said anything. You're just expecting me to accept that?"

"Yep," said Barack. Barack deactivated all hearing upon departing the motel and returned to the car. Barack didn't want to deal with the annoying nagging sound of Huma's voice, which could ruin even the best of moods.