emotions

THE PRESENT

I woke up with a jolt. My heart was racing and for the first time since that horrible day I was sobbing. I felt all of the pain that I locked away. How was this even possible? I locked all these feelings away a long time ago. I stood up and walked to the window that was only a few feet from my bed. The reason I had put my bed against the wall was so I could look out the window. I needed a release. I needed to get my emotions in line.

As soon as I teleported outside, some of the mixed emotions faded. I loved the outdoors. It was beautiful, It was where I went when I needed to feel one with myself and the world. I hadn't used my true power since that fateful day. Scared to show any power just in case it caught Luthers eyes.

Just because I could block his memories, did not mean I could use my magic to make him not see me. He was just as powerful as me. If not more powerful because he wasnt emotionally unstable. There was a reason I never touched dark magic, even though I could. It would take over. I was never one to handle emotion well. With all the power I held, It made sense that I was emotionally unstable, atleast that's what my dad said.

That's why magic was My home. It was the place I went when emotions were to much. I may be 100% light but If my emotions got the best of me a side that I keep hidden comes out. There was a reason I could also use dark magic. Luther could use neutral magic and any dark magic known to gods. I was different, if it existed I could conjure it up.

I think that's why I was able to fall in love with Luther. Gods could only be with there own kind. There was some rules though. Neutral god that weren't good nor evil could be with whoever they wanted but a god like The god of light could only be with light or neutral gods. A God like The God of War could only be with evil or Neutral gods. It was about balance.

I was what threw everything out of balance. I was 100% light and 100% dark. That being said if I used dark magic my light would disappear and I would be just 100% dark until someone calmed me down and got my emotions in check. It happened once before and I had to reset everything. My father forbid me from ever using dark magic again. Luther would've been considered a saint with what I did when I lost control.

What's the point of being able to do dark magic, if you could never truly use it? That's a question I ask all the time. I could subdue every dark god by tapping into my dark magic but than I would lose myself and the world would perish. Creating magic for Dark gods is the only thing I can do without upsetting my balance. It a cruel punishment for all the power I have.

Luther tricked me into loving him because of my instability. He was perfect after getting to know him. Whenever I got upset he easily calmed me down. I was never suppose to be with dark. The balance should've been broken but Luther is no normal dark god. He's just as smart as me. Just as powerful.

I didn't even truly put a block on his powers. I never would've been able to. I just made it where he forgot how to use them. He would've remembered eventually if I had not tapped into the source of all magic and blocked his memories. As long as his memories stay blocked, he'll never be able to use his powers.

He can never get his memories back because he would remember our contract and He would remember how to use his powers within hours. The spell I used to make him forget his powers was only meant to scare him. I can't use dark magic so I wasn't truly able to subdue his powers and even if I did he's too powerful to just take his magic. It's been along time since I even thought about him or worried.

The dream I had felt so real. It was like I was reliving it. If I wouldn't have taken away his memories, I would've went back to him because he's so good at manipulating me. You would think that since I know this I could prevent it. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Even with all the knowledge in the world, love is the one thing I can't beat..

I'm lucky the wards I had up lasted this long. I know the love is back full force because all that's on my mind is him. The snow I created can't even ease the pain. I miss him and want to hug him. Maybe I could go to see him today. I never go to the high table meetings because he will be there.

I could've made it where he wasn't on the high table but than he would work for more power. This way it's a win win. I could go just to see where my heads at. Ease my mind alittle. I missed these feelings. He brings warmth to me. Even with all the betrayal I still love him. After today I'll block the love again. So to the high table I go. I'll be alittle late but it's fine.