The girl to afraid to die

Dear diary,

Today was august 15th. My baby brother turned two today, my cousin brought yet another guy back with her this on was Rex and all i thought about was the one i knew till middle of eighth grade. I found out someone we both new was also diagnosed with cancer and died three days after his death, I had all ways wanted to be his friend but i was to afraid to ask, its to late now though because he's gone.I'll miss him alot, he was pretty funny when he wanted to be and i'm pretty sure he like soccer. I got a boyfriend who i later found out was dating my friend rachel before me and only was with me cause he thought i was gonna hurt myself again. I tried to watch a new movie but my 7 year old brother and 6 year old cousin refused to let me. My best friend doesn't want to see me after I accidentally stole her boyfriend, whom she was already broke up with for a guy with a bigger dick.I really am a waste of space huh. I can't find a guy who likes me not out of pity. I feel like i should just die already. Hell the one actual real friend i have lives in another state and i've already broke her to many times.I break anything and anyone i get close to. i should just die already not like anyone would miss me.Not my father who always points out how wide i am even though i barely eat anymore and sas everything's in my head.Not my mother who rarely even ad my birthday off.Not my step mom who never pays me any mind more than needed.Not my sister who hates me or my brother who doesnt talk to me. Not my younger brother who only follows after my father. Not my youngest brother, not even old enough to say my name.Not my cousin who forgets to even say hi no me.Not my grandparents who think of me as the weirdest grandkid.Not my uncle who makes it a point to avoid me.Not the girls who like anyone but me.Not my ex who only played me.Not rachel who thinks of me as nothing more than an annoyance.Not aunty B who is to busy with her own family for me.Not her ex-husband who left me alone.Not her kid who forgets me.Not my sisters little sister who's already forgot me and always hated me anyhow.Not anyone, so why do I force myself to make them not worry when i don't need to anyhow?why try so hard for nothing. why am i the way i am? Hell I can't even pick just one religion!I wanna die but i'm afraid of the pain.Im always afraid. Hell i can't even do a simple thing like keeping my room clean. I want belong but i don't anywhere. I can't change but i can't stay the same.I want to die. I want to die.I want to die.I want to die.I want to die. I'm violent,I'm weak,I'm indecisive,I'm crazy,I'm weird, I'm a snob, I'm poor,I'm an outcast, I'm the center of attention.I'm depressed.I twitch.I laugh and cry at random times.I'm always pretending but i can't act.I sing like a dying cat. I want to die but i'm too afraid to pull the trigger.I just wanna swim but i can't. i wanna play volleyball but i'll never make the team.I have my demons but i can't fight them.My head is racing and i can't stop i long enough to sleep. I want to die but don't want to hurt my family.Im lost and broken.

Sincerely,

The girl to afraid to die,

Me