Chapter 10 (Past)

As the days went by, I found myself falling into paranoia. My guilt eating me away from the inside. Mind wrapped in chaos and fear. Heart filled to the brim with hatred and anger. Slowly but surely I was losing grip of reality. The world moved on as it always did but I kept running in that same circle. Revolving around that dark secret which, try as I might, I cannot forget or let go. It's not easy to move on but it happens eventually. I bet Tessa's parents are slowly learning to move on. It's been 3 weeks. Everyone freely carried on with their lives. So..why...? Why can't I break away from this cycle? I locked myself in my room refusing to go outside. Because whenever I'd go out, I'd feel eyes looking at me. Not to mention she'd always be there. Staring at me from a distance.

I went to karaoke a week ago with Irma and the others. Watching Irma act happy and everything made me wanna act properly too. It was fine I guess. Later on, I was actually having fun. That was what mattered to me. That moment, those friends, that life. I treasured it. I had for a brief moment, forgotten everything that had happened with Tessa. And I had thought, maybe this is what I needed to move on and forget. When it was my turn to sing, I went up on stage. As I held the microphone and looked over at the group. I suddenly felt as if blood had drained from my face. Those eyes....looking at me. I'm afraid if I open my mouth I might accidentally spill the beans.

"Everything ok Lisa? The song already started " calls out one of my friends.

I looked back at the screen. It HAD already started. I was too spaced out.

"Oh? Sorry about the " I begin to say as I turn back at them.

They're....dead.

The room gets silent with only the music playing in the background. Their heads are cracked and bloods pouring out of them while they sit there, lifeless, looking at me with bloodshot eyes without blinking. No... what's going on? Why are they like this? My breathing gets faster and my eyes dart around the room hopelessly. I don't get it!? What's happening!?

"Sing Lisa. It's your turn "

I turn my head to where the voice had came from. Tessa, sitting on the sofa in the corner, smiling at me.

"Why...are you doing this to me..." I blurt out. My hands clenching my arms, tightly and nails digging into the skin.

She doesn't respond. Just looks and keeps smiling.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!? " I yell with my eyes shut. When I open them, I watch as everyone looks at me with confused and scared faces. My friends, now alive, gaze upon me with concern in their eyes. Tessa, already vanished.

" ....Lisa? " Irma asks with her hand over her mouth. For a second I suspect that she's trying to contain her laughter.

"Weren't you all...dead? " I manage to say. I know I look like an idiot.

"What do you mean dead? We've all just been sitting here while you were there going all crazy and shouting " Beatrix says with a frown.

As everyone quietly stares at me, waiting for an explanation, I turn red with embarrassment...and frustration.

" I...I gotta go "I say getting off the stage. I pick up my bag and walk towards the door. No one stops me.

"Thanks for inviting me, Beatrix," I say as I close the door. Once fully closed, I run. And I keep on running without knowing where. I just...wanna be as far away as possible from them.

Once out of breath, I stop and sit down.

I hate this

After that day, these types of incidents kept on happening. People started distancing themselves from me. Calling me names like "weirdo " or "Crazy ". It was becoming hard for me to distinguish between "Real " and "Unreal ". It got so bad to the point where once when Tessa appeared, I, out of anger and frustration went up to her and choked her. That had felt great. The harder I choked, the more satisfied I felt. Her gaging and cries of pain were music to my ears. When suddenly, two hands grabbed my arms and pulled me away from Tessa. I tripped and fell down. When I looked back up, I was horrified to find that it wasn't Tessa I was choking but...a classmate of mine.

While everyone surrounded the poor girl, helping her breathe and whatnot, I stared from the ground at the whole scene, at a loss for words and ignoring the ones screaming at me. All I managed to say later on was a simple " I'm sorry " that didn't even sound sincere. This turned into a big thing. Our parents were called and my mom....she apologized a lot and practically begged the other girl's mother not to call the police. Eventually, they agreed and demanded money for the trouble. My mother willingly paid. On the entire way home, she kept quiet. She didn't even say anything as I chewed my nails while looking here and there in unease.

"It's not my fault " is the only thing I said. And also the only explanation I give was when dad asked me why I did it. They later informed the school that I will be on sick leave.

Ever since then, I've stayed locked in my room. With only myself to talk to. Stuck in this box refusing to step out. Mom and dad were obviously worried. After feeling a bit hungry, I sneak into the kitchen late at night to get something to eat. Then I hear mom and dad talking in the living room.

"You do know what must be done right ? " my dad says sternly.

"I already told you no. Lisa is....she'll come through. I know she will. We just have to wait " says my mom

"Wait!? Are you serious? Wait for what? She's getting worse day by day and if we don't get her help NOW, we will regret it later on " he says. I feel a stab in my heart as he says that.

"She's not sick! " my mom yells with tears in her eyes.

Dad sighs "Ok, alright. Listen. We'll wait for a week and if nothing changes and she seems to be getting worse, then we'll take her to the psychiatrist "

This causes my mom to cry more. My dad kneels beside her and places his hand on her knee.

"I know it hurts. I love her too and I hate myself for thinking that something is wrong with her. If there is, I want her to get better quickly and go back to her usual self. We need to take this step for her sake.....ok ? " he says and mom nods.

I numbly and quietly make my way upstairs. This feeling right now. It's the same as being punched in the gut or failing an exam you worked hard on. The amount of dread and hopelessness is overwhelming. I enter my room and lock the door.

As I lay on my bed, everything plays inside my mind like a movie. As usual. I've watched this movie day after day after day. Each time a new day is added, with me in it talking to myself, seeing Tessa in the room and yelling at her, begging for answers to my questions, and suddenly seeing myself in horrible situations. Someone had once told me keeping a journal helps. Like recording some ideas and thoughts. After that, I had filled all my books with random words and passing thoughts. it didn't help much though. I kept asking dad to bring me more empty notebooks. Once when I ran out of them and dad wasn't home, I got so desperate to write that I grabbed a marker and started writing on the walls. Mom and dad usually don't come into my room but that day I forgot to lock my door and mom came in while I was asleep. My walls were filled with sentences like " its not my fault " or " why me " or " why not her ". Safe to say, she was terrified.

Now on my bed, my hands gripping my head I want it to stop. I want the movie to stop already. I want to scream so bad but after remembering the talk my parents had, I don't.

Make it stop

Make it stop

Make it stop

Make it stop

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

" Hey.....if you are suffering so much, why don't you just tell the police the truth, " I ask myself suddenly?

"What do you mean? "

" The reason you refused to tell was because you didn't want to let go of your happy life. Tell me....are you happy now? " I say slowly getting up and going towards the mirror. I look at myself and the state I'm in. Dark circles, unruly hair, dead eyes, I'm a mess.

"No...I'm not "

"Your so-called " friends " that you chose over Tessa. Did they at least once come to visit you while you were stuck at home ? " the girl in the mirror asks me.

" ...no..." I answer as tears fall from my eyes.

" Irma is out there living every day normally. It's looking like instead of her you were the murderer. Sucks, right? "

" ..yeah...it does "I nod

"Now even mom and dad are losing faith in you. They think you are messed up in the head. They don't understand at all. No one knows what you're going through. Yet when you go out, they look at you with judgmental eyes. It's unfair, right? "

"It is, "I say wiping my tears away. My voice dry as a desert

"I almost forget that you're an accomplice in a murder so you CAN'T tell the police. If you do not only will you rot in jail, you'll be an utter disgrace to your parents. It will be a huge stain on your future. Well, Lisa.....what are you going to do? Will you do something or would you rather stay like this and slowly rot to death . " she says. I look out the window into the darkness of the night. The sky looks beautiful tonight.

"I know.....I know what I gotta do "I tell her.

I go over to my table and pick up my phone. Dailing her number, I wait for her to pick me up.

"Hello ? " says Irma

"I need to talk to you," I say

"Hey, Lisa. You are on sick leave right? How are you ? " she asks in a cheery tone

"Irma. Listen. This is is important. We NEED to talk "I say again

She pauses for a while " I'm guessing you wanna talk about that "

"Yes. Come to my house tomorrow night. My parents won't be home tomorrow night so it'll be just us two "

She laughs "What makes you think I'll come. This is an old topic, you know. Ever heard of ' moving on '? If you refuse to move forward from the past then at least don't drag me into it "

"Just this once ok. I...I really need to talk to you. I need your help "

"No thanks. Not interested. Whatever your problem is it doesn't concern me....nor do I care " she says. Her words stung me deeply. It's as if all those times we spent together were just an illusion.

"I'm going to tell the police "I declare and wait for her reply

She snickers "As if. Nice joke though "

" ...I'm serious," I say.

" You do know what'll happen to you right," she says.

"After I tell them the truth, I'm going to kill myself," I say.

She pauses for a second "How dumb do you think I am? Do you think I'll believe all this !?. "

"It's true. I will commit suicide after I tell them everything. Whether or not you believe it doesn't matter but think carefully. Your family's reaction to their only daughter's dirty deed. That'll leave a huge scar, won't it? "

I hear her grit her teeth "Just once. Tomorrow. I don't give a damn if you live or die though. It's for my family "