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The Defective Detective

(Updates are slow because of certain things) (Volume 1) Taking place in 2018, Mr. William Habitat has the ultimate deduction skills. Deducing the obvious when other people are not able to notice the obvious because they are that dumb. His companion Jane Surname is as sassy as she is brilliant. Together they solve cases and annoy each other like playful children. Join them as you cringe through their adventures with inappropriate jokes and a little bit of gore. (Volume 2) Year 2022. William Habitat and Jane Surname Habitat married each other but continued to consider themselves as best friends. They only married each other to take care and nurture and die together because, the thought of being a sweet couple makes them cringe. They moved to Norway with their pet dog Emily, named after William's sister. Everything was all good until William met a strange man who claims to be Sherlock Holmes, but we all know it is not him. Now they must figure out who this man really is (or was) while facing a man he claims to be Professor James Moriarty. Join them once again in this volume that's probably not as good as the first (Because... "Sequels") but still enjoyable (I think)

FranceBautista · Urban
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34 Chs

Part IV, Chapter IV - Last Stand

"Wait for a car" said Cupcake "My henchman who is totally not my slave will pick you up"

"I can't take you the fuck seriously if you talk like that" I explained

"Says the fuckin' idiot who is also hard to take seriously! You deduce the obvious when you're having fun. That's not deduction, that's showing the idiots. Now be a good boy and follow my shitty instructions, Idiot!" he hung up.

I assisted Jane to get up on her feet as I waited for the transport. She was trying to stop crying from what she did. I knew there was too much going around so I said nothing and hugged her until the moment passed. A young man wearing a electric collar came in. He looked rather unhappy and would rather be doing something else. His hair combed back, he wore a dark green sweater and black pants, with black shoes.

"Follow me" he said in a low voice, leading Jane and I to a black four-seater car. We sat on the back and I explained to Jane what happened on the phone.

"You're not cutting our friendship?" she asked

"No, that was the past you" I explained "It's very hard to accept that you were part of kidnapping Emily, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't forgive you"

It was silent for four hours. Nobody had eaten yet, and nobody had an appetite.

The car stopped infront of a two-storey house, surrounded by trees, outside of town. It was very secluded and away from people. The driver exited the vehicle to escort us inside.

The living room was big and there was a flight of stairs. But it was empty and silent.

"Show yourself, Cupcake!" yelled I.

"You don't have to yell, damn it!" jumped the driver. He took off the collar and dropped it on the floor, walking to our front.

"I must be a pretty good actor" he laughed, his voice changed to a smooth young voice, the same as that I heard from the telephone. He sat on the first step of the staircase, half-smiling. He removed his wig to reveal his real hair underneath, it was short and had the color blue sprayed on the front.

"It's me, Cupcake! Do you remember now? Everyone at the orphanage was brought there when they were new-borns. But me? I was brought there when I was eight! My parents fought a lot, their arguments were always about me. Next thing you know, they brought me to the orphanage and abandoned me. I looked for comfort but, everybody was so God damn picky, including you and your sister!"

"You were that kid who ate at the corner, away from everyone" I flashed back

"Oh, finally you remembered. You noticed? And never went to accompany me? How very smart of you! I ate at the corner alone because everyone made fun of me, I told the nuns but they just told me to let them have their fun. Are you fuckin' serious!? And though, they kept saying they would teach us good manners, they never fuckin' did, did they!? Nobody wanted to adopt me. So when I saw you escape with your sister, I decided to do the same. I was 17. I looked for a job and rented a house. When I became 20 years-old I decided to find my significant other, get married, have kids, and live a happy life. But everybody was shitty and I was only made fun of. I felt alone"

"I-"

"Uh uh, before you apologize you'll need to do something better than 'I am sorry' because words won't mean a damn thing if you won't act it! Not to mention, it's not just you anyway! I didn't feel the embrace of my village, so I started burning it all down to feel its warmth! And if you wonder how I can trace everything you said, I stole small mics and planted one to each of your clothes, in your sleep. And as for you Jane. You finally meet your former boss"

Jane stood speechless.

"You killed my sister!" I interrupted.

"Oh? Shall I play that video again?" He drew out a smartphone and walked closer to me to show the video. I looked away.

"Look at it, Willy!"

The same sound of Emily's scream fading lifelessly repeated.

"I didn't kill your sister. It was one of my henchmen, or as you call them- slaves. All I did was say shit and record"

He was close enough for me to tackle and lock in my arms out of anger. He did not struggle and I got punched away by an ambush of one of his slaves. Jane roundhouse kicked Cupcake on the face.

"I still got it!" said she.

"Oh, do ya!?" yelled Cupcake. Three more of his slaves ambushed and held us tight so we could not move. All of them wore a collar and did seem to want to do what they were doing.

"You two make a great team" he complimented "Willy, I know you know the next part of the song. What was it?"

"What song?"

"Jeez, I hate it when people act like they don't know" he drew out a revolver and pointed it at Jane "Russian roulette, anybody? When I pull this trigger, there is a chance she will die and a chance she will not. Ready?"

"No no no!" cried Jane and I, together. He pulled the trigger but no bullet was fired. The click of the trigger produced.

"Lucky, say the next part of the song, Willy! or she gets another round. Get it? Because in the revolver is a, nevermind"

"Fuck, okay!" I cried "There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends"

"Atta fuckin' boy!" he put the gun down.

"This is bad for me, because I know how it ends, and you wouldn't like it"

"You Theorize, but you cannot confirm"

"Oooh, a smartass" he teased "Watch me! Come here, Mr. whoever-the-fuck"

one of his slaves came up to him. A female "All of my so-called 'Slaves' were our fellow orphans who were adopted. I had to kill their parents first. Now watch as I predict the chance of her dying and prove to you that there is a bullet in this revolver" he pulled the trigger and a loud bang had occured, killing his slave, dropping to the floor and leaking blood. "Might wanna clean that later"

"You didn't need to do that!" cried Jane.

Cupcake lowered his eyebrows and ducked his lips. "Hmm, i'm pretty sure I did" slowly said he. "Enough Jibber-Jabber" he snapped his fingers and we got knocked out by the tasers of his slaves.

Cold was the night when I woke up outside. There was no sign of Jane and I was alone. I was in a dugged hole, the same as that of a grave. But, I was not in a cemetery, I was surrounded by trees and only the sound of ringing crickets broke the silence of the night. "Oh good you're awake" I heard from behind. I turned around to see Cupcake wearing a deerstalker hat and a mimick of my detective uniform under a brown waist coat.

"I usually wear a fedora" said I

"You're a detective. A deerstalker would make more sense"

I stood up to punch him hard, but he blocked it and successfully hit me on the stomach. I fell on the floor groaning.

"I find physical fighting low-class as fuck, it shows how weak your mind can be. Rather, I prefer mind exaltation" he walked away and disappeared. "You better not die early!" echoed the fading voice. My phone rang and I picked it up to hear my best friend's voice.

"William?" she cried

"Jane! i'm still here" I notified "Thank goodness you're alive. Can you tell me where the hell you are?"

"It's too dark, pitch black!"

"Okay, I'm gonna use the background noises emitting from your location to my phone. But notify 'Calendar' every few minutes so I know you're still there. Got it?"

"Got it!"

I set my phone's volume to max and listened carefully. I heard grassy footsteps, a metallic object repeatedly clanking and the same ringing of a cricket.

"Boo!" laughed Cupcake from the phone. Jane screamed.

"It's too dark for me to see, i'm not sure when he's here or not" cried my best friend.

"Don't worry, I won't kill Jane"

"Step away from her!" I yelled, turning to the direction where I saw Cupcake leave.

"Okay, stepping away. Hear my step, Willy" he made a loud stepping sound. "There! I stepped away by one foot"

I started running straight looking for a metallic clanking sound.

"Calendar" notified Jane.

"That's good, Jane"

I was scared. I had lost my sister and I did not want to lose my best and only friend from the hands of the same mad man.

"Hello, Willy!" spooked Cupcake from the left causing me to trip and lose my direction. To find my way back on track I looked for a flattened step of grass the same size as my foot, but before I could continue running. Cupcake stood in front of me.

"Would you like to know how this ends?" teased my enemy.

"I already know how this ends!" I panted. "With me and my best friend!"

"I do not understand"

"Maybe it's because you never loved anyone before. She's my best friend and I love her! I know you can hear me Jane!" yelled I. "Not romantically, not sexually, I love you, you're my best friend!"

"Love? that's fuckin' gross, emotions make people weak!" interrupted Cupcake

"You call it weak, yet you see me determined. You're the weak one!" I continued to run. Ahead I saw a small cabin and started to run out of breath.

"Calendar" notified Jane once more. "I heard you, and I love you too for the same reason"

When I reached the porsche I did not hear a metallic clanking, but I could still hear it through the phone. It was not the correct place.

"Uh oh!" teased Cupcake through the phone "Sorry Mario, but the princess is in another castle!"

I got ambushed and punched by one of his slaves.

"How do you keep going from here to over there?" asked I

"You may have ran a little bit too far"

I did not want to hit his slave, for I wanted to save him instead.

"I didn't wanna hit you physically, like I said before, it shows how weak the mind is. So my slave will do it for me and I can hit you in multiple places with my mind using him. Observe, you shitty rat. Left hook!"

His slave threw a punch with his left hand at me, but I successfully blocked it.

"Unfortunately, I will know what attack will come"

"I know, that's why i'm now confiscating Jane's phone!"

"Wait what?" cried Jane "No!" the number hung up. The slave triggered a right hook and I successfully dodged it.

"I'm sorry" said he, grabbing my shoulder and pulling my arm. I screamed in pain. "If I refuse i'll die. I'm only like, 22 years-old, I wanna get married and have kids" his voice cracked heavily, still holding me. I had no choice but to try to hit him even when I did not want to.

I raised my loose hand and threw him against the ground. I looked carefully at his collar to find a way to unlock it. I found a small key hole. I immediately thought of that time Peter picked a door lock and thought I needed him now, but he was not here, and can no longer be. So, I tried to pull it apart with my bare hands but, upon doing so, I was open and he quickly grabbed my neck and dragged me against the grass. He was crying, knowing what he was doing.

"I know we were from the same orphanage" regretted he "I don't wanna do this. And even though we never talked and you probably don't remember me. I remember you, William. I'm Allen. I had a crush on your sister but I was too shy, and too young. When I finally built up the strength to confess to her, she was 15 and I was 16, I saw you two sneak out and run away"

His grip was too strong for me to speak, then he stopped. I remembered Cupcake did not want to kill me quickly so I guess he commanded him to stop. I coughed hard and saw a rock the size of my fist on both my left and right sides. He clenched his fist about to punch me, but before he did, I grabbed the two rocks and hit his collar on both sides twice causing it to break apart. He stopped his attack and stood up.

"Holy shit" he whispered. "I'm free?"

I stood up slowly.

"Thank you, William!" he laughed and had tears of joy, shaking my right hand. "Your companion is way back there" He pointed behind me. "Turn to the only tree with a bird hole and head straight. Come on! Follow me!"

He ran to where he was a pointing, and I gasped at the sight of his head exploding after a few steps. My phone rang again.

"I never told anyone about explosive ear pieces" explained Cupcake "He seemed to have forgotten to remove his ear piece, see that? Fighting physically proves how weak and stupid one can be. Oh well, i'll wait for you at the doorstep then, Willy" he hung up.

I ignored my state and continued to run to find the only tree with a bird hole. I found and turned it, then ran straight as he said. I found another cabin blending in with the trees. Slowly I approached to save some breath, I heard the repeated clanking of metallic objects. When I entered, I turned on the only light and Cupcake stood waiting for me.

"Could you give me a moment to catch my breath?" asked I

"Hmm" he rolled his eyes "No"

"Where's Jane?"

"Here!" he brought her out from a room, her arms and legs were tied with rope.

"William!" she cried "Can you turn on the light?"

"The light is on" I explained. She looked down on the floor and not directly at me.

"Then why is everything still dark?"

her words concerned me very deeply. Cupcake dragged her forcefully to my arms and when I looked at her eyes, her pupils were now light-grey

"Oh I forgot to mention" said he "While you two were out, I may have injected Jane with anesthesia and surgically detached her retina on both eyes"

"What?" asked Jane "Back up!"

"I surgically detached your retina on both eyes" he laughed. "And look at the time, it's now too late to repair it"

"Oh, you fucking shithead!" I cried.

"What the fuck!" cried my best friend "Are you lying!?" I lied my forehead on hers.

"How incredibly monstrous could you fucking be?!" I gently sat her down and stood up, trying to yell, but my neck was still recovering.

"Me? It was Jane who helped kidnap your sister!" laughed Cupcake once more. "So, who's weak now? When you love someone, you start feeling the same emotions they feel. Only a person who once loved someone can say this! When my parents abandoned me at the orphanage, you and the others were all I could love. But none of you made me feel loved. So before you ask me how monstrous and sinister I can be, you should first ask people what they did to me!" his anger turned to crying "I hired someone to assassinate you. You know who. But then I saw your deduction skills and decided to play more. I know we were both orphans from the same orphanage. But we were brought and treated differently. So, don't say you understand!"

"I understand one thing" Said I, crying, hurt "The feeling of wanting to kill people because yes, they are stupid as fuck, we are just as stupid at some point. Well, you've killed my sister, you have hurt my best friend, and you have hurt me. You've thought of a hundred events and you planned ahead, I know. Well here is one shitty event that never occured to you. As much as I was hurt and all this happened because of you. I forgive you!"

Cupcake shook his head, "What?" he gasped.

"Huh?" gasped Jane.

"Yes, it's hard to admit, and hard to do" I explained "But I forgive you, and every shitty person who has ever hurt me! Even when they never said sorry"

"This isn't-" gasped Cupcake "This isn't how I thought it'd end" he sank his head on his hands and his tears darkened the wooden floor.

"You were 17 when I was 18 and snuck out with my sister. I'm 26 now, so you're 25. We're still young and you can start again" I whispered.

"And live with such grief?"

"Well, that's how you're gonna have to live. That's life"

"I'm gonna die someday anyway. Everyone has their thing, and I think I have done mine" he stepped back and filled all six slots of his revolver.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"What's going on?" cried my blind best friend.

"Life teaches us things too late, doesn't it? Non-stop learning when the lesson is learned too late"

"Put the revolver down!" I demanded, trying to grab it from him. He pointed at me before I could take another step, and then pointed at himself.

"Move a single muscle from your limbs and I will immediately pull the trigger without counting. Impossible russian roulette? Anyone?" smiled Cupcake, walking backwards until his back was against the wall "The name Cupcake was for people to misjudge me, to confuse them. My real name, as everyone forgot, is Harvey. I threw away my last name and I forgot what it was. You know? You never asked, and it made me feel like you didn't care. I caused too much chaos already. But, you forgave me. Thank you, and i'm sorry"

In an instant a loud bang and bright light showed that his fate had sealed. His blood splat from the back of his head to the wall and his lifeless body slid down the red coated wall.

"What the fuck happened? William you better be alive!" cried Jane.

"Cupcake- Harvey shot himself" I explained, Untying the ropes from Jane and hugged her tightly. She cried on my chest and repeatedly weeped that she can no longer see anything. My phone's battery level was at 10℅ but there was enough time for me to dial emergency and notify about my best friend and I. Too tired for more and not knowing where we were, we slept an inch from the doorstep.

We were awakened by the wheezing noise of a propeller and a bright light shining on us through the doorstep. The opened door revealed where we were. I asked everybody to keep the events a secret and not reveal it anywhere on the news. I told my fellow workers about Harvey's slaves and I helped free them from the brutal collars and explosive ear pieces, then I resigned from my position as a detective and bought a house where my blind best friend and I lived together. I was gonna take her to her cousin's where she will be treated by him, but she decided to stay with me because of everything we had been through. A year later we decided to get married so our bond will be tighter and ensure we'll always be there for each other and moved to Norway. We play with our imagination often and never had to worry about anything anymore, treating each other as best friends. As for having children, we got a dog instead. A female Pomeranian named Emily.

(This is my first book. I'll make more. Now for vol 2) :>