LIFE

After the scammer little matter, everything in my life seemed to work pretty well. I was working on some books, but then an idea came into my head to start doing script writing and maybe sell the works on television shows or at any publishing office. Bt, that was just an idea; I had never done it before, other than on campus days when I joined the drama club. However, if script writing works for me, trust me, I will follow the dream head-on and not look back on writing. Writing books is challenging and quite a thing, and I don't know which of the two earns one better, but I have passions for both. Okay, I sometimes feel my life was meant to be on set, somewhere on the cinema grounds, and on television. I always have ideas, but they all revolve around the television, and they all seem quite crazy. Youtube has really never been something on my mind, however much I stay at home watching different family channels that love and hate each other. I once decided to hate the YouTube family channel thing when one of my favorite couples split up. It really broke me to the core, but then I was young. Okay, I guess sometimes social media does not show us what really happens; what I mean is that it never shows us the reality of the situations at hand. The crazy thing about the couple was that they were not really man-woman things; they were homosexuals. I liked straight, yeah, I liked some straight couple, still do till date, and they seem to have really evolved through the years, stuck together, and grown together. However, in one of the couples, I recently heard the rumors that the man was quite joking around with other ladies, and the girlfriend, no fiancé, was thinking of plastic surgery because of the different changes her body had undergone. Mind you, I am not against plastic straws or anything; I believe that's a different aesthetic in itself, and if one is not satisfied with the body they are in, they have a right to make a little remodeling, especially if you are a social figure somewhere, if you belong to the media, and all the lights focus on you, or if your body is something that literally makes you earn money. I believe you can make changes where you deserve them, as long as you have the money for them. Subjectively, I don't know I would, never, I guess, my parents would adjust to disowning me of that sort. So the homosexual couples were together for about three years, I presume, then it happened that they had some wrangles; people of course fall out of love, others outgrow each other, others hate their significance other for no reason, maybe believing that the grass is greener on the other side, some things like that. So, they went into a just-breaking up phase, and they both cut the odds, and no one reached out to us to say they broke up until a certain tweet. Since that time I questioned the stories of love, I used to see my fellow psychology student ladies, after some nasty heartbreak, end up gay, but the real thing is, all that, all sides being straight or not, it is still love, and we are all humans; if someone is not for you, you can never force them. However, the third straight couple seems to be doing really well—I haven't heard any wrangles—and I guess they were a real match made from heaven. I sometimes wonder who and what my match is—will I love them or will I break them? That's the question; my mind usually revolves all around, and I end up just being in wonder. So, yeah, I have been having these crazy ideas about what I am going to do. As I stated earlier, my final year was already over, and graduation was what I awaited. Going back to my country to finish my unfinished business is something I am not sure I will ever do. As you can see, Leniey became a model, way different from what we were learning. Maybe someone is studying the psychology field, maybe doing their masters or something like that. I haven't contacted much of my psychology course mates since my departure; I had actually told no one I was leaving, not even Leniey, something I know broke me more than it even broke him. However, one thing I am really grateful about is that I did not waste my first love to someone in the upper classes; most girls who did that have been left with nothing but pain; others have just entered their whore phases; others have fallen in love with money, dealing with much older men, just to be paid. Things have happened; those things happen, but there are a few who found solace in Christ and maybe became their rock when about to fall into any type of temptation.

I told Ana about my yearning to leave the apartment, all this, and the school area. She had at first suggested that we look for an apartment together, maybe be roommates till we work a deal, and maybe until our money makes a huge difference, azzin till we make really great amounts of money, that which even I can send to my sister embarking on the wraths of university life and independence life. Her suggestion was quite good, plus we had a very good bonding together; I understood her as much as she did to me, but I feared we would maybe fight or have an argument, and then facts still remained that I did not know myself much; I did not know what I am or what I was capable of, but I guess I would put that on hold. However, one thing I am sure of is that living with a roommate is quite a thing. It is not totally appeasing, as finding peace in your own solitude and maybe getting to have social energy when you get out and speak with the neighbors, people, and everyone around you

I haven't heard from Kelvin or Leniey, respectively. I have also decided not to indulge myself in anyone's life; I have been just being me and focusing on my world and life. I have been actually thinking straight, although of course some nights I think of them, wonder why they don't text, and wonder how tight their schedule can be so that they would not have anytime for just sending me a morning text. I guess that's the difficulty of being a lady: always waiting for a guy to text, always waiting for him to make the chase, always waiting, but sometimes waiting sucks. Sometimes we wait so much, especially if you are vulnerable to attachment. Subjectively, I am the type of girl who does not know to hide emotions or pain. When I am hurt, when someone breaks me, it just kills me to the core. A moment where the brain, which should be your best friend at the moment, also states that it has no idea what to do about it—the moment when your body just feels heavy—is just a phase of life. I guess everyone, young or old, will phase, or has ever faced, in relation to being the former or latter. It is something that happens. Yeah, sometimes that thing happens to me, but I know I have to keep it going, for that's something that someone can't control. It seems like something deeply ingrained in the mind or in the soul; it just finds time to embrace oneself when you least expect it, and you just have to walk through people and everyone with an empty smile while feeling nothing inside. So the two have been quite weird; I understand Leniey, but Kelv had already started texting. I also don't know why I was becoming so petty with this, for all along I wanted nothing but to see him leave me alone. I have repeatedly stated everything he has done to me, but it still feels like I still need him somewhere in my life. Maybe that's the problem, and I am not sure how to deal with it.

Today is a quiet day; my schedule was early in the morning at seven, and I hated it. I hate waking early, for that means waking at around three or two, having a shower, dressing nice, doing your makeup, and then starting to read all the news papers so that the podcast you present to the listeners has an interaction with the news at hand. That thing is so hard, and it is much of my worst part of the week. The mastery of the news paper text and the fact that sometimes I have to read makes everything even worse, but when I remember I am not alone with this, Ana just gives me hope to keep it going, for she somehow finds a way to make her things happen. When she does not want to wake, she just finds a way to make herself rise. Maybe she focuses more on the outcome of the whole session and the reward of it all, but for me, I just focus on the pain of it all. But I should learn that the trophy is the best thing after all.