KABANATA 20

Tulala na napatitig lang si Hera sa kisame nang lumabas na ang lalaki sa silid. Pinapakiramdaman ang sakit na bumabalatay sa kaniyang buong katawan lalo na sa pang- ibabang parte ng kaniyang katawan. Mahapdi iyon at masakit. Partikular na sa loob ng kaniyang pagkababae na sa tingin niya ay namamaga siguro dahil sa kaniyang kakaibang nararamdaman ngayon. She still felt like Lucas was still inside her, kahit na ilang oras na ang nakalilipas mula noong nangyari iyon.

Hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala na hindi na siya birhen. Hindi naman sa nagsisisi siya, it's just that she felt something new finally happens in her life. In the past, her life has always been boring and the same. Kahit noong nag-aaral pa siya ay wala talagang ligaya at saya sa kaniyang buhay. She's always gloomy and silent. Kaya rin siguro walang lumalapit sa kaniya at kumakaibigan sa kaniya dahil na rin sa kaniyang ugali.

Okay lang din naman. She already survived for how many years without having someone beside her. Ngayon pa ba siya maghahanap ng kaibigan?

Tulog, kakain, mag t-trabaho at makinig sa mga sermon ng kaniyang Ina at pambabatikos ng kaniyang mga kapatid. Ganiyan ang naging routine ng kaniyang buhay sa nagdaang taon. She finds it boring and tedious. That cycle continues and nothing new even happen in her life and now that she's adult, it's still the same. Wala siyang jowa kahit na matanda na siya. Dapat nga ay may asawa na siya dahil matanda na siya, pero hito siya ngayon, nag-iisa pa rin.

She wanted something to happen to her. Be her body or her situation, she just wants a change.

She even thought that maybe she'll die as a virgin. Pero hindi iyon nangyari. She finds her situation right now joyful. It might be weird, but her losing her virginity is like a blessing. She always craves for something new to happen in her life and losing her virginity is what she craves for. She wanted changes and maybe in the future, there are still more to come that will likely change her life. Noon ay palagi niyang naiisip na baka ay kapag tumanda na siya ay ganoon pa rin ang kaniyang buhay. Walang nangyayari at walang nababago. But here she is now, already changing since that day where she started working here.

Though hindi man 'yon purong maganda pero nagpapasalamat pa rin talaga siya at may nabago naman sa kaniyang buhay. Pakiramdam niya kasi ay hindi niya makakamit ang kaligayahan na palihim niyang hinahangad kung walang bago na mangyayari sa kaniyang sarili. It's not the fate or the time that will change her, it's herself that will.

Hera sighed after thinking about random things. Nakaramdam ulit siya ng antok matapos mag-isip ng kung ano-ano. Dahan-dahan na pinikit niya ang kaniyang mga mata. She wanted to sleep again. Her whole body was on fire and is aching so bad. Pakiramdam niya ay lalagnatin siya dahil sa kaniyang sitwasyon ngayon.

Ah, I don't want to feel sick. I might remember that memory again...

Kumunot ang noo ni Lucas nang pagkapasok pa lang niya ng kaniyang silid ay kaagad na sumalubong sa kaniya ang natutulog na babae. Napatingin na lang siya sa sopas na kaniyang dala-dala. Mukhang hindi iyon makakain ng babae at lalamigin lang. Nagpakawala siya nang malalim na hininga at bumaba ulit.

Naguguluhan siya sa kaniyang sarili. Hindi niya alam kung bakit ginagawa niya ito. Normally, after he spent a night with a woman, he would always toss them away and didn't even care about them. Pero iba ang sitwasyon na ito. Hindi niya magawang iwan lang ang babae at pabayaan ito. Hindi niya masikmura na nahihirapan ito dahil sa nangyari sa kanila habang siya ay pa chill-chill lang sa gilid.

I still have my pride in me. I don't want it to get trampled.

Binalik niya sa pinaglutuan ang sopas at naglakad papunta sa living room. Kaagad na humiga siya sa couch at pinikit ang mga mata. He doesn't felt good. He wants to sleep so bad but he couldn't. Everytime he tried to sleep, memories from the past began appearing again.

As he thought, having sex with Hera is not good. Though natulungan siya ng babae na lampasan ang kaniyang trauma, ngayon ay hindi na mawala sa kaniyang isipan ang nangyari noon. Those memories, he already buried it. But right now, after having sex with a virgin and witnessing Hera suffered in pain, those memories had resurfaced again.

Para maiwasan na maalala ulit ang karanasan na iyon, he always makes sure that everyone he will fuck are all experienced. It's not like he doesn't want unexperienced women, it's just that if he does have sex with one, he'll remember again what happened during his childhood.

He was ten years old that time when his Father forced his Mother to have sexual intercourse. His Mother bleed and he developed some kind of trauma starting that day. He witnessed it all. How his Mother screamed because of pain and how his Father laughed evilly. He despised his Father so bad. Ayaw niyang gumaya sa Ama kaya kapag may babae na walang karanasan na lumalapit sa kaniya ay kaagad na tinatanggihan niya iyon.

Natatakot siya na baka masaktan niya ang mga ito at magaya sa kaniyang Ina. He is also anxious that he might remember again how his Mother bleed and almost died for being forced to sexual activities. That's why he only fucks woman with experience. And now, na g-guilty siya sa nangyari kay Hera. Nagagalit siya sa kaniyang sarili.

Simula noong nasaksihan niya ang sitwasyon na iyon sa murang edad, he started having fear to virgin women and began hating his Father. Nangako siya sa kaniyang sarili na hinding-hindi siya gagaya sa kaniyang Ama, pero hito siya ngayon, may babae na nasaktan.

Kahit na alam niya sa kaniyang sarili na hindi niya pinilit si Hera, na g-guilty at nagagalit pa rin talaga siya. It's still the same. Kahit na hindi niya pinilit ang babae ay nasaktan niya pa rin ito. Anong kinaibahan no'n sa ginawa ng kaniyang Ama sa kaniyang Ina? There's no difference. He is also the same as his Father.

Ang sampung taong gulang na si Lucas ay hindi makagalaw sa kaniyang kinatatayuan habang pinagmamasdan ang Ama na gumagalaw sa ibabaw ng kaniyang Ina. Parang may matulis na bagay ang tumusok sa kaniyang puso nang makita ang mukha ng babaeng nagsilang sa kaniya. Putlang-putla iyon at puno ng luha. Parang wala na ring buhay at blangko lang na nakatingin sa kawalan.

Why? Why is Mother crying?

Bumaba ang kaniyang tingin sa magkasugpong na mga katawan ng mga magulang at muntik nang masuka nang makita na may dugo ang hita ng kaniyang Ina. Gusto niyang tumakbo at umalis pero hindi niya maigalaw ang kaniyang katawan. Parang napako siya sa kaniyang kinatatayuan at doon lang puwede na tumingin.

How did I get myself into this situation?

Napatanong na lang siya sa kaniyang sarili. Naglalaro lang naman siya kanina at naisipan na puntahan ang Ina. Nang may narinig siyang parang umiiyak sa silid ng mga magulang ay hindi na kaagad siya nagdalawang isip at binuksan iyon. He was afraid that his Father had abused her Mother again because of him. Ayaw na ayaw niya na saluhin ng Ina ang mga pambubugbog ng Ama na dapat sana ay sa kaniya.

Masakit sa puso na marinig na umiiyak ang taong nagsilang sa kaniya. Pero mas masakit na makita mo itong nasasaktan at parang wala ng buhay. Kumukulo na ang kaniyang loob at gustong patayin ang kaniyang Ama. Sa murang edad ay naisip na niya iyon. Why? Because his Father has made him like this.

"Lucas? What's wrong? Are you scared?" Tumayo ang kaniyang Ama at umalis mula sa pagkakadagan sa kaniyang Ina na walang lakas na nakahiga sa kama. May dugo sa hita nito at nang tingnan niya ang ano ng Ama ay may dugo rin doon. Napakuyom siya ng kaniyang kamao at gustong-gusto ng patayin ang demonyong lalaki na papalapit sa kaniya

"Son, I told you already. You'll be like me in the future. Might as well get a lesson from what you've seen today," his Father who was wearing a sinister smirk muttered in a proud tone. Gusto niyang masuka nang sabihin iyon ng Ama. His Father went closer to his ten year old self and patted his shoulder.

"Women are not as valuable as you think they are. They're just a bunch of living things that were used for the pleasure of men. I hope you won't disappoint me Lucas. You're the only person who'll follow my steps and will be the next CEO of Whitfield," after he whispered those words to his ear, he knocked him down.

Sa tuwing naaalala niya iyon ay palagi pa ring kumukulo ang kaniyang loob sa galit. Sa mga sandaling iyon ay wala siyang ka laban-laban sa Ama. What happened to his Mother was partly his fault. He was young and weak that time. He couldn't even stop his Father from hurting himself and his Mother.

But that's in the past now. Nang makuha niya ang posisyon na dati ay sa kaniyang Ama ay kaagad na pinapatay niya ito. Of course, it's not an instant death. He makes sure that he have a slow but painful death. Sobra-sobra ang ginawa sa kaniya ng kaniyang Ama lalo na sa kaniyang Ina na siyang palaging nagtatanggol sa kaniya noon.

After getting his own Father died at the hands of the people he paid, he didn't even feel guilty. There are a lot of horrible things that his Father had done that he couldn't even mention. His Father is also the reason why he's like this and why he is still suffering after so many years.

Ang pilat mula sa sugat na gawa ng kaniyang Ama ay kailanman ay hinding-hindi mawawala. He hated him so much that even though justice has already been served, he still wants him to suffer even after death.

How unlucky of him to have a father like that. He loathed him for hurting his Mother but here he is now, also hurting an innocent woman just because of his desire to own her.

Ah, I'm really a sinner. Maybe what Father had said was right? That we're the same? Ha, I don't know anymore.

"S-sir Lucas, sorry nga pala sa nangyari kagabi." Kumunot ang kaniyang noo dahil sa sinabi ni Hera bigla. Nakaupo silang dalawa ngayon sa mahabang lamesa dito sa dining room. It's currently two in the afternoon and they're now having their late lunch. Napatigil siya sa pagkain at seryoso ang mukha na tinitigan ang babae.

"For what?" Napalunok na lang si Hera at hindi alam ang sasabihin sa lalaki. She doesn't know why she suddenly apologized. Parang kusa na lang iyon lumabas sa kaniyang bibig. Dahil ba iyon sa na g-guilty siya dahil siya ang pumilit sa lalaki na gawin ang bagay na iyon kagabi?

Sa totoo lang ay mukhang ayaw talaga siyang galawin ni Lucas kagabi, pero dahil nagpumilit siya at hindi pinakawalan ang lalaki ay napapayag niya ito. She felt guilty because Lucas seems te be different on his normal self. Na g-guilty rin siguro ang lalaki dahil sa kaniyang sitwasyon ngayon at mukhang sinisi pa ata ang sarili.

It's not his fault though. It's mine, ako ang pumilit sa kaniya and he shouldn't blame himself.

"B-because I force you to do that to me... Alam ko po na ginugulo po kayo ng konsensya niyo dahil nasaktan ako. But I'm really fine sir, huwag niyo na pong sisihin sarili niyo. It's my fault..." Halos maiyak na siya nang sabihin niya ang mga katagang iyon. Iwan niya ba pero pagdating sa lalaki ay nagiging marshmallow siya.

"Huh?" Nagulat si Hera nang hawakan ni Lucas ang kaniyang ulo at hinaplos iyon. Nang tingnan niya ang mukha nito ay bumilis ang pagtibok ng kaniyang puso nang sumalubong sa kaniya ang medyo may ngiti sa labi na mukha nito.

"Silly, you don't need to apologize. No matter what you said, it's my fault that you're hurt right now sweetheart. I promised I won't do it again, so please, while you still can, get away from me before I'll really lose it."