Sending Thoughts in the Wind (3)

I picked hesitantly at my already soggy salad, pushing around the dressing-covered leaves off to the side in tiny piles so as to make it seem as I had actually eaten some. I was unsure whether it worked, but my aunt had yet to speak out in disdain.

She was sitting across from me that very moment, her bites from her own salad slow and deliberate. It was something I noticed of her whenever we ate together, though I never found out why. She wouldn't stare at me either, despite our somewhat long meals together because of my hesitance and her purposeful slowness.

We ate in silence, like always, and as always, I stood up first, bringing my plate with me. It had been almost half an hour or so at that point, and I guessed it was a polite enough time to take my leave.

Only then did she look up, and we both gave each other uneasy smiles.

It's not that I hated her. Far from it really. In all my time under her care, I had been well looked after. Everything material I came to need had always been satisfied.

It had just been the deeper bond that went further than comfy clothes and satisfying food which could not be built, and it was by my own hand that it came to be this way.

She had tried, especially those first few years. Even now, she still tries with the little notes she leaves before she has to depart for yet another long business trip. About the year I started high school, she left her old office job for a job handling events all over the country which brought upon the both of us the task of learning to live apart from each other most days. Sometimes I still wonder if she had done that on purpose in order to separate herself from the guilt she felt whenever she had to look at me.

That feeling of having failed to take care of your own flesh and blood.

I really truly cared for her, but my mind had already built a strong enough wall when I was inside that closet. I wasn't going to let myself be hurt the same way again, though I don't know if my mind had comprehended this reasoning at that time.

I just didn't want to lose her the same way I lost my parents...

I gave her one last glance before I padded my way over to the sink and gently placed my plate inside it, allowing some water to soak onto the surface.

I was washing my hands just as Aunt Lucy entered after me. She gave me a small smile which I returned with a nod of acknowledgment, receiving her dirty dishes.

She was just about to protest, but I was already starting with the dishes, back turned to her.

"Goodnight then, Raine. Thank you for cleaning up," she sounded resigned as she left the kitchen, leaving me with the deafening silence and my own scrambled thoughts.

I felt that sinking feeling of me being useless as I wiped down the now clean dishes, though I tried my best to ignore it for now. It was why I always insisted on doing the chores. At least then, I wasn't dead weight.

Aunt Lucy was my.... father's sister ... his twin actually. She never married and did not seem to have any plans in the future for such a large decision. I guess in her mind, I was already family enough for her to be happy.

My thoughts couldn't help but consider the possibility that she thought a husband would bring about more burdens added to the ones I already give her.

I shook my thoughts away and bounded up the last of the steps. I walked silently down the bare and familiar hallway, stopping at the last room which was mine...

I swung the door open, peering in before shutting the door behind me with an audible click, and I kicked my worn-out sneakers off to the side.

Climbing onto my bed, I sighed in relief, plopping face-first into my pillows, burying my face in them.

It felt so good to be home after that tiring day...

I lifted my head up, supporting myself with my elbows as I tried to reach beneath my bed for the leather-bound object. When my hands touched the familiar surface, I fished it out and placed it before me, admiring the red leather of the diary with my name imprinted on it with intricate gold lettering.

It was a gift from my Aunt Lucy when I turned eleven years old, and I've treasured it since then. She told me that I could use this to talk to my parents, and I've found the process to be somewhat therapeutic which I believe was my aunt's purpose for it in the first place.

I had thought it to be ridiculous at first, but one night those many years ago, the voices in the night had been too much for me to bear. I opened the diary and started to jot down my thoughts, realizing I didn't have anything to lose anymore.

I poured all my thoughts, my wishes, my dreams, my desperation, and as if they could hear me, a light breeze had blown through my open windows that very night. It caressed me softly, oh so gently that I couldn't help but break down into tears.

Were they tears of relief? Or tears of utter sadness?

Until now I would never know, but I chased that feeling as much as I could… every single night as I wrote to my parents who I wanted these words to be heard by.

It was a part of me now.

I opened to a new page, my older entries flying by as I skimmed through them. I grabbed a pen and began writing.

"To mom and dad,

Hi. It's me again. How is everything going on up there? Are you guys alright? Did you get to eat a delicious breakfast today?

I hope so.

Do you guys still miss me? Do you guys even still remember me? I don't know what happens after you pass away.

Do you forget your memories?

I hope not.

Well, I still miss you.

Today, I met someone, a boy named Adrian.

Meeting him was… such a weird feeling, for a lack of better words. There was something in his presence, the way he talked to me… the way he looked at me that irked my very soul.

He's different… dangerous even. Almost like a wild animal.

But those eyes… I can't get over them.

Is that normal?

He still scares me, but it's there. That sense of security which I can't seem to deny.

Even so, I don't know if I can trust him, so I think I'll just stay away. That animalistic side of him reminds me of those men… those monsters and I'm scared.

He'll forget I exist like the rest anyway.

Right?

Anyways, goodnight... mom....dad...

I love you.

- Raine"

I shut my diary, closing my eyes as I felt the breeze go past me from my open window.

Yawning, I went to close the windows and placed my diary right back under my bed.

Curling up under my thick comforter, I snuggled deeper into the bed, trying to find warmth.

Once I did, I shut my eyes, sleep overtaking me almost instantly.

But I could've sworn I saw something lurking in the shadows of my already dark room just before I shut my eyes.

Or was it someone...