Kids

I love watching kids play, I don't know why but I do. Not that I want to have kids of my own someday, but the simple fact that they learn how to agree to disagree. Kids are quick learners, they are persistent in their dealings, never know how to stop. Promise a kid something and they will nag you to death till you produce whatever you promised.

That's what I wanted with her, to nag me with her love. But shit went south, I messed with the wrong girl, my absence killed the vibe we had. But I have skill and art beyong man to lure her tender heart back to me. Bless her fiendish soul.

In as much as I want her so bad, sometimes feelings that cannot be expressed have to be repressed, it's been too long to keep waiting for hers to break out. I'm on the verge, I don't know why she keeps reappearing in my life, to confuse my frail heart and make me follow her blindly. I have been blind for a while now.

"How many kids would we have? I imagine our daughter and son jumping on the couch disturbing our peace..." She went on ranting about a family she will never have. I felt pitty for her, but I couldn't help her, sometimes even superheroes can't save everyone. I was her superhero but I let her fall and watched her hit the ground.

Maybe it was for the best. To let it go, my heart is in deep dilemma. Whoever said love never goes hand in hand with common sense was right, I was falling victim of this. A part of me still held onto her with both arms and legs, it had not resonated with my mind yet. I feel empty because I had left pieces of myself with her and they were calling to me to save them, but I had to choose to use my head or my heart, but the last time I fillowed my heart it never ended well.

She left me lonely and I had concluded the night with an expensive bottle of whisky to wash down the regret I felt deep inside, I buried whatever feelings I had for her but now it's totally different. I don't know how to damn explain how I feel, I want her but don't want her at the same time. I hate the way I love her. Its the one thing I haven't been able to control. It's damaging and unhealthy.

Watching the kids laugh made my heart soft. I was scrolling through my phone when I landed my eyes on her on Instagram, pretty as usual, it seems her cloth line business was taking her well. The corner of my mouth twitching into a smile not bigger than my average smile on a good day. I scrolled past several other photos until one caught my eye, she was draped in a short blue dress barely covering her thighs showing a lot of her cleavage, her eyes were bloodshot and had a pink wig, she looked wild but tired at the same time.

THE thrill I once had for her was waning.

Ramaging through my books I noticed a paragraph and started reading it.

"I want to come out clean about something, I know I'm a fundamental liar, that's just me, I can't change or pretend. I say things then change my mind too often, it hurts I know.

Today I come in peace, I know you can't give me what I want but I'm on my knees, have mercy on my soul, I'm here to return your love. You took a leap of faith and trusted me but it all ended in disappointment, that's love, you did it all for someone you love.

Deep in my imagination you're wild with wanting me too but you said no to second chances, I don't know if that's is just a principle, because it's a luxury I cannot afford.

Now I have come to a decision, no more secrets no matter what. I'm done with second guessing myself, done with changing my mind too often but I'm not sure if changing my mind is done with me. I can't promise tomorrow or next week or a month that it will be fine. But that's life, it's all about the unknown. Hope you know about baggage. "

I stared at the page for a moment before I heard footsteps approaching and shut the book, shoved it under the pillow. I wondered how in the world would I write that, I remembered the plans we had, but brushed it off when my phone buzzed across from the bed. I hesitated to pick it then decided against it, I left it to buzz a few more times before the call ended.

" So you're in here all this time? " A female voice sounded from the door before it pushed open.

***

My jaw literally fell on the floor, I felt a breeze on my forehead, my eyes popped out, I couldn't believe my own eyes. She was here in all glory, Val? I questioned my head, I blinked once and my heart skipped a beat. Her skin glistening like a goddess appearing at the most fragile moment of my life, I was delving deeper into memory lane. She knelt beside me and I felt my shoulders shaking, me eyes cried uncomfortably with her eyes on me the whole time. She grabbed me and shoved me on her bosom, I sniffed her in, I became alive, a part of me had been restored. I fell in love with myself. that's not egotistical. that's something we should all be proud to say. But now she's here, perhaps only lingering memories worth preserving.

Memories to weave these slender threads of a broken life into a firm pattern of mean­ing. I have a lot to say, words have a profoundly honest ring, for they rest on experiences too deep for deception. It took too long for her to come to her senses, or was it that it took me all this time to get it. We were bound to be together by fate. It was like kissing a rose flower and sealing our fate. My chest felt lighter, it was like a heavy burden has been lifted off, I looked into her eyes, I couldn't believe she was here. I squeezed her in my arms, I was beyond words, we cried in each other's arms.

"Shall I stay with you for tonight?" She cooed and I weakly nodded my head. She helped me up, wiped my tears, I was overwhelmed. In my head and heart I knew this was the second chance I had been preparing for. She slid out the bedroom to make dinner, I had glasses clanking, then she appeared with a bottle of champagne in her hands, two glasses on the left hand, with a big smile.

"We should celebrate" She was all merry, not a single tear, I felt embarrassed like a kid crying in her arms. The pain I felt had left me, I was ready to listen to her the whole night, be in her arms because she belongs with me. She's my anaesthetic and my entire life depends on her. She placed a glass in my hand, poured the drink and "Cheers to us, we finally found a way"

I was still dumbstruck. Shocked. I wasn't myself the whole time. I needed answers to questions I didn't yet have. But Val was all I wanted, and now that she's here, I won't let go.

We drank the night away, she was on my lap and scooted closer to my lips, grazing on my neck, massaging me. Her touch felt foreign but soon became apparent that she was the only one who knew where and how to carress me. I felt dizzy from the booze, I smiled at her beautiful face, I saw tears, I took her in my arms and shielded her from harm, she was stronger than I was a few minutes ago, now we had reverse roles.

"I'm sorry..." She trailed off, her shoulders shaking, eyes dripping wet, she was filled with regrets, anger and disappointment or so I thought. Her arms snaked and hooked around my neck, legs locked on my torso, I stood up and placed her on the bed.

"Scoot closer and hold me, let's cuddle" She was still leading me on. I obeyed meekly, pulled her closer, she wasn't crying anymore. I was relieved.

I fell asleep faster tonight.