In My Little Mind

Everything is strange in my head, I don't know how I'm going to live now that she's clearly not coming back. I had decided to keep some little distance to free my sorrowful soul, broken and confused I withdrew my intentions, time played its part.

Maybe we could be a little honest with me, with you, with us." These words echo in my ears, she spoke on that day I went to see her pageant.

We are drowning in lies," she went on to rant. She is a sweet killer.

**

I have one weaknesses, I'm intolerant to too much bullshit. After the silent escapade in the recent months, I can only hold on for too long, my heart had broken and rebroken by the hopes i still cling to, maybe she will come around. It's been a long time trying to figure out the next move.

I will love you even if you break me, this is a promise I will keep." Her words manifest in my mind and sends shocks all over my body. She was the one I had told myself I'd keep but my tuntrums never agreed with me and I ran off like a scared squirrel and hid like a small boy. My heart ached till it couldn't no more. Maybe, just maybe, it was now time to move on regardless.

She was my dream but I guess I chased too much. Before I knew it, I was back to my self loathing, drinking and thinking. Question after question I asked myself without the clears answers to wrap up this madness. My long time friend Kevin came up on me on the street a day ago and now he is busying himself in town with his own issues. He had tried so much to get me to change and go out with him but all his efforts failed.

I was now numb from the pain and all I could feel was nothing and I liked feeling nothing because nothings seems to bother you.

8 months flew past just like that. I see her once in a while on TV showcasing beauty products. Damn, was she the same girl I used to know. It took me by surprise to learn that she is now glowing even more, she's grown so beautiful or maybe I should wipe my thoughts away from her and peel my energy away from her and focus.

Not a word had been exchanged between us and I was somehow hurt but relieved, women are complicated. My heart was stubborn and still wishes never to be parted from her. It aches.

***

I was rummaging through my pile when I stumbled upon this poem I had written for her.

Natural Woman

She was arresting to look at

With her exotic mix of cultures

Not classically beautiful

But expressive and fascinatingly intense

A man couldn't avoid keeping

His eyes trained on that face

Bless her fiendish heart

The sound of her voice reverberating deep and erotic in her throat

Something about that laugh...

Her eyes were a colour not often found in nature

And with great glee

HE fixed his thought to her

She was worth a king's ransom.

I realized the words had an effect on me. I took out my phone and dialed her without thinking, too late. On the second ring she picked up.

"Hello, how may I help you, this is Charlotte" Her voice clear as day made my heart hurt with a dull ache. My throat full of lump, I felt pain rejoining in my system and sad memories flooded my head.

"Is anyone there?" She inquired but I was quivering on the other hand, am I that a coward to say anything? Dropped my phone with the call still on going. I brushed my eyes and ended the distress call. I want her in my arms again. I want to hold her and whisper in her ears that she is the only one I wanted. The only thing I want is to make her happy again,i hope the offer is not completely off the table.

I paced to the bathroom with a thought, maybe in the evening I could swing by her apartment and take her by surprise. Show her how changed and sorry I have been, I hope she won't say I left her. Sad.

They say honesty is the best policy but damn what if she doesn't open up to me? That's the end after all this time I have redeemed myself?

Wrapping the towel round my waist and getting out of the shower like a determined fellow. Straight thoughts of being with her. I didn't want anything to go wrong tonight after Kevin's wise idea that I ought to talk to her, maybe it might reduce my chances of being depressed.

Her love's all I need, she got her future in check and I would rather hear her scream all the time but I can't normalize her being this quiet and I feel too shut out to even make a move, I don't want to be needy because it's a pussified philosophy.

My heart was throbbing as I hurriedly put on the white button up shirt, in front of the full image mirror, my reddened eyes, big and almost swollen justified the need to see her even for a couple of minutes.

For the last time.

I revved the engine, Kevin would by now be waiting for me to show up at Sam's bakers and coffee. Time was flying, it was 5 o'clock, the sunset was an hour or so away. I sped down the highway leading to town, stopped a few annoying times till I pulled up outside the café.

"Glad you came out of the dungeon" a playful smile spreading over his face.

"Is she here yet, its 5:30?" I dismissed his remark and jumped straight to the point.

"Just cheer up bro, she will be here, she comes here every 6pm" he tried to make relax, it was hard already trying to fade her out of my system for 8 months, waiting a few minutes won't kill me.

The doorbell to the café jingled when the door was pushed open, a blonde and a pretty lady at that, long hair, chubby cheeks, walked in rather fast. Took a sit a few paces from the door, took out a notepad and started to scribble things in it. I was impressed to finally see someone with the same hobbies as me. I gave her a lengthy stare but not once did she raise her head, she must be really focused.

Kevin's eyes darted from his coffee mug to the door and the to me, I could feel something familiar coursing through me, something so strong whad its grip on me and I tuned my head, my heart was pulsating wildly, beads of sweat formed on my forehead.

She was taking small measured steps to our direction, her eyes glued on her phone, smiling awkwardly at her, I felt a pang in my heart. I stood up with purpose, cleared my throat just a few seconds before she lifted her face to me.

***

Charlotte's POV

HE didn't know what to do, he stood there shuffling his hair, I didn't know hat to do either, we stood there like in a duel staring at each other's eyes ansmd waiting who will make the first move.

He hungrily pulled me into a bear hug and I kind of in away liked it, he was firm not as I remember, I breathed him in trying to compensate all the times I never had him. His shoulders started to shake, was he crying? I had been filled with guilt until I rubbed his back soothingly, he let me go when I wished he didn't, I felt at loss.

My face emotionless but my heart was in a euphoric mood and was dancing its way to him. My cheeks flushed when he rubbed with his thumb.

I had completely lost awareness of his friend at the table watching us.

I stretched my arm for a shake and he stood, took it and kissed the back of my hand. Damn, what is it with these two?

I forgot by now weren't a thing anymore, but he was too warm right? What if I was the one who let go and not him as I thought previously?

A soft thud brought me to reality. He was looking at me trying to let me reveal myself so he could fathom what was going on.

A soft tap on my shoulder reminds me it's time to go back to the studio, a client was waiting.

"I wish I could stay and catch up but I have errands." My voice was shaky and it betrayed me when I spoke.

"It's okay, we understand," he spoke in a low voice careful not to spoil the mood, he was looking at his mug whilst he spoke.

"Any chance I could see you again?" I looked around and noticed he was talking to me, I was in a hurry and didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"I will meet you here tomorrow at lunch, how's that?" His faced lit up and nodded like an idiot in affirmation. He said nothing else, just stood and hugged me again.

HELLO THERE!!

I'm sorry I have been caught up by school and is hectic but here we are. Sorry to keep you waiting,

Will update again tomorrow, meanwhile happy reading