Journaling

▪︎□■This notebook I decided to pick up has so much in it now. I was skeptical at first, but it truly helps me in some ways...

The pens I specially pick to try and steadily focus on, and create; the thoughts, the words...

Everything about it all in general can truly help to calm me at some of my roughest points°•○

I did what I could.

So many shelters, and churches. So many people in need of more than we could give.

I did what I could.

Job training... Ah, but first I needed to even start the process of getting all the proper paperwork, and what have you, to make it more possible for me to even start applying for each opportunity that came my way.

...Did I do all that I could?

This was supposed to be easy-!

No... It's not. I'm trying so hard. I knew it'd be rough starting anew. But how else could I have prepared for this? Even though it's so much quieter near the countryside, we're still pretty much all we've got. There have been such nice people along the way, that also try to help others, but I still feel so guilty not being able to do anything, and-

I did. All. I... Could!

--Another nausea and vomiting attack--

When will these nightmares end...? Will they ever end? ...I thought I was doing better, again.

I can't handle all these flashbacks.

I truly don't know what I'd do without Spark, but I'm not the only one hurting. I try to be there for him, but he's so much more "refined" than me. I'm grateful he does talk to me when he needs, but he's another individual I can't fully help, I guess.

And the flashbacks I keep having don't HELP-!

...I'm trying my best...

I get so excited when I get a job, but the treatment never chances... Why must it be like this? I know baby steps matter, and I'm slowly getting back on my feet, but these jerks around me keep making it harder... and harder for us all who are barely getting by. It took me 2 years to even get to this point.

I need to accept reality.

I know I can't magically fix things... For myself, or anyone else. But deep down, somehow, some way, I know I could do more. At least, from a better spot than I'm in right now... I'll keep fighting to get there. And Spark believes in me. I believe in him too. I should keep trying to believe in myself, despite what comes my way. Even if I'm down again, I seem to keep scraping my way back up.

That's something... Right?

I'm doing what I can, for now.

Another job gone... They either never work out, or just don't last very long. The latter I truly can understand, but some things I don't know if I can handle anymore. But do I even really have a choice? If it's for where I want to be, I'll keep pushing through it as best I can.

It's so hard keeping certain energies.

This is what it's like to be human... Despite what others may call me, I'm human. No matter what. No matter how much I beg, or plead, or cry my lungs out... I'm different, but I'm human.

Spark helped me realize that as well, but as he stated, I finally let myself realize that.

...My breakdowns may continue, but I'm not giving up.

For Spark.

For myself.

For the future.

I'm still going forward, despite any detours, I suppose.

Yet I keep forgetting!!!

City to city, and even not in cities, it all seems to hit a dead end.

It got so bad...

They found me one night, after I was, once again, fired for something that I can't control. Their words got to me. I couldn't handle all the stress. All my own insecurities. All the invisible poison-like things being thrown at me... Not even figuratively at some points.

Weakness from my end? I don't know anymore, to be honest.

All I heard from the doctors in the unit I ended up in, was that I was apparently stumbling around town, according to eyewitnesses, and screaming every now and then outside the hospital. Until someone noticed me. Thankfully, no one called the cops on me, but... Maybe they should have? I don't know. I didn't hurt anyone... But, I cut off my ears with a rusty knife I came across around our old hideout. The ears I was born with. Not those that grew onto my head over time. I can't even remember that night. And I almost didn't believe it until I felt and saw the obvious evidence.

Made myself look even more like a freak. Ironic, huh?

I healed well, but I wasn't acting the same for a while. Poor Spark said he was sleeping and woke up later, wondering where I wondered off to for days. He waited and searched for me... I caught him when he came back to rest the night I also did.

And the look on his face when I returned with the bandages, and my recounting of what was told to me.

It was a tough night. One of the worst, if I had to say... I made sure he knew he wasn't a failure or anything, like he first thought. And we just tried to at least hold each other through the rest of that night. I know I shouldn't have hurt myself, but somehow I felt like I needed to show everyone I didn't care anymore... Even though I still do, in a way. I just couldn't take it all.

We kept trying to look for less toxic environments, but it all ended up creating a cesspool in my weary being anyway.

But Spark said they haven't won, because I'm still here...

And for once, I'm actually glad I am here. With Spark.

I'm glad I didn't do anything worse, but... I can't take it back now.

I shouldn't have done what I did.

We keep trying to catch a break and look for better things. I'm responsible for my actions, but we both really need a better environment... If possible. It's been months.

I kept trying to help out those like us both, and they also gave back wonderful advice... I actually felt like I could change something this time with certain individuals. Or at least, be a shoulder to lean on. And I didn't get roped into anything. There are so many lovely people who deserve better. If I felt like I could make a change here already, an actual impact, I must keep on going.

I started to inquire at actual nice shelters, I was told about, and go online still when I could get into the library, about housing opportunities. Especially to aid in making job-hunting easier.

Thankfully, the state we're in offers that service...

Even if things didn't work out fully at past jobs, I was able to save enough to get an actual phone. My first ever one. I felt so proud of myself, and Spark did too. We didn't have to steal or anything... Things were looking up for once.

It was actually promising, yet...

Something still felt incomplete inside of me.

Sitting in a corner in a public restroom, I hugged my knees and stared at the floor...

I know my current goals... But what else is missing?

...

And then it came to me after a while.

I never could face the possibility of going back home.

So much fear, questions... Doubt.

What if their county's police wanted her for questioning? Even if it's been years, if there are posters, she's very easily recognizable.

Spark even agreed that they most likely wouldn't believe our full, true story. Unfortunately. It can't be that easy, can it?

Maybe moving out of state is what she needed, after trying to face her fears...

Maybe it will help?

Or make things incredibly worse...?

I won't know until I try, huh?

And then, I also suddenly remembered Aito.

My precious little, old, stuffed plushie.

That day was buried so deep in her subconscious it almost sent Taiga into another episode, before she felt Spark against her, purring again.

Letting a breath out, and recollecting her thoughts, she dove into the harder-to-think-about situations that she could remember.

How could she forget...?

She wanted to find Luci.

The only way to do that would be to stop Séthyan as well...

How could she do so?

All it took was one incident that she easily from her power.

And it sent Taiga into hysterics, all the way to where she is now.

"But... I can keep getting stronger."

"Right. And we'll keep helping each other to do so, and more!"

I felt more confident from his support. Even more than usual.

I took some more breaths, and we set out a plan, and a course of action together.

I won't lose sight of what I feel is right.

I made a promise, after all.

I may not be able to atone for everything I've done, but I can at least keep trying to do good. By myself, and for others.

I'll keep reminding myself as much as I can.

"Thank you, Spark. I know we can do this."

He nodded at me.

"We can do many things that seem impossible at first. Especially together."

I truly believed in those words.

So we packed up all we had, and set out for our next destination.

My old home.