Chapter seven - The confidante

Their first three scenes in front of the public worked out better than Jess expected. The beautiful rooms of Exley Hall provided the perfect backdrop, giving their small, transitory audience the sense that they were seeing conversations from the past unfold before them.

While everything ran smoothly on stage, behind the doors, where the remaining cast waited in silence, the atmosphere was strung as taut as a violin string. In the short break between scenes, Sebastian's mood had changed. No longer was he the charming gentleman who entertained them with jokes during rehearsal. Now, he sat alone, quiet and brooding as he stared at the floor. Not knowing him well she couldn't tell if it was part of his process of becoming Darcy, or whether something else was bothering him.

Being most in demand, as Elizabeth, Jessica didn't get the opportunity to ask until later. The green room was half empty, as most of their group had already finished eating. Mr. Gardiner and Trevor sat in the chairs, viewing the lunchtime news. Mrs Gardiner's attention was fixed on her puzzle book by the window. Everyone else had disappeared, leaving Darcy and Jess alone at the table. After watching him push a lone pea around his plate for almost a minute, she said, "Is everything alright?"

He sat back in his chair, rubbing his face with his hand. "Sorry. I'm probably not the best company right now."

"If you need someone to cheer you up, I suspect Mrs Rivers-Smithe would be willing to help."

Silverware clattered as he pushed his plate away. "Why does everybody think—?" He bit off the rest of the sentence, his lips compressed in a hard line. After a moment, he sucked in a breath, releasing it slowly. "I'm sorry. Women like that...they believe they only have to snap their fingers, and we'll run to them like lemmings off a cliff. It's hardly a flattering assumption."

"Do older women make those sort of offers often?"

"It happens, and it's not always the cougars, either. People seem to have this idea that every man has only one thing on their mind. To them, I'm no better than a sex-starved gigolo, and they're desperate for anyone who will fill the gaping chasm in their lonely existence. What I want, or don't want, doesn't seem to matter."

"It must be awkward, particularly when you're working. I have a similar problem when I'm doing a few extra hours at the pub. The drunks are lining up to walk me home."

"And how do say no without offending your regular customers?"

"I don't worry about that. I have to repeat myself five or six times, and talk really slow, but they usually get the message. They're harmless, really. But surely you don't have a problem making your feelings clear."

Sebastian raked his fingers through his hair, his voice pitched for her ears alone. "I realise I might give people the impression that I'm oh-so-confident, and I do try to be, but when something like that happens, I never know what to say, or how to say no without upsetting the woman, or causing a scene."

His revelation surprised her, but she tried not to show it. "I think it says a lot about you as a person that you worry about someone else's feelings, especially when they don't consider yours."

"Experience has taught me that the best reaction is to say nothing, as a refusal often offends, and I would hate to offend the sort of person who owns a house like this." His attention returned to his plate, lost in thought as he studied the remnants of pie crust. After a moment's reflection, he looked up, meeting her eyes. "It's frustrating that I couldn't just be honest, and say what I really thought. I also have to think about our little project. Mandy doesn't deserve the hassle, so I didn't dare annoy our hostess."

Jessica wondered if he was speaking from previous experience, but Caroline chose that moment to return from wherever she'd been hiding. As she took the chair next to Darcy the bubble surrounding them burst and there was no further opportunity for private conversation. At least Sebastian seemed to be almost back to his assured self, and Jess was the only one who noticed the quiet moments when his gaze would drop to the patterned hall runner. In front of the audience, he was as confident as ever. The afternoon flew by, and she didn't have another chance to talk to him alone until the last guest was ushered from the park and the gates finally closed.

As they were queueing to change out of their costumes, she suggested they should all go out for an evening's stroll following dinner. Darcy agreed straight away, and so did Georgiana, until Mr. Gardiner reminded the young woman that she'd already committed to another evening of whist. The game was growing serious, and they were now using buttons to raise the stakes, having borrowed a stash from Mrs Reynold's knitting bag.

Georgiana's shoulders fell, and Jess patted her hand. "You can walk with us tomorrow, if you like. I'm sure we won't manage to cover the whole garden in one evening. The park is really big."

Darcy seemed back to normal during dinner, and she was pleased that their conversation after lunch might have played a part. After helping to clear the table, Jess headed for the garden stairs; amazed anew at the beauty waiting for them outside their stuffy basement lair.

The summer evening was warm and pleasant as they wandered between the chestnut trees and across the rising expanse of grass, heading towards a copse that rose up behind the hall. Their walk was, for the most part, silent. She sensed he was struggling with something, and hoped that he would open up to her again.

As they reached the tree line, Darcy sat in the rough grass, stretching his long, denim-clad legs out in front of him. Jessica dropped down by his side and they gazed across the valley and the leaded roof of Exley Hall below. Just at the point when Jess felt that a little conversation was required, Darcy cleared his throat. "I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"What do you mean?" A breeze ruffled the long grasses, there and gone in a moment. In the branches above their heads, a bird began to sing. It distracted Sebastian from his confession, as he looked up to discover the source of the noise.

He turned back to Jess, giving her his full attention. "The truth is, ever since I arrived at Exley Hall I've been playing a part. part. I've been playing myself."

"I get that. Don't we all give a performance of ourselves when we meet new people for the first time?"

"I'm not sure if anyone else does, but I have to. It's the only way I can be comfortable. Normally, I don't think twice about it, but since meeting you it felt.... You're one of the few people I've met where I've really wanted to be me."

Jess smiled as she leaned on one arm, her body angled towards him. "Now you are making me curious. What's the real you like?"

He looked out into the distance. "Well, to start with, he's not as confident as that other me. The real me would never have dared to suggest that kiss at the end of the proposal scene. The other me is a bit of a show-off. He likes to be in control. Life is so much easier if I pretend to be him, instead of being myself. He's the good looking one; the man everyone likes."

"You can't act yourself handsome, you know. You really have to be born with it." And he had been. The strong jaw, high cheekbones, and sultry brown eyes were a genetic gift he could not deny.

"I disagree. There's definitely an element of acting needed for me to pretend I believe in myself. In my head I'm still the gangly, spotty youth, with legs like pipe cleaners; the one who hit puberty before everyone else, and towered over my classmates in photos. You can't begin to imagine how embarrassing it is to answer the school register with a voice like a twenty-five year old."