ch:44 A Bit of Light

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. That's how many days it's been. I keep convincing myself, 'she's alive' 'she needs you to save her' and all that bullshit. Something deep down inside me knows

she's dead.

The first four days I was out in the streets, knocking door to door asking if anyone knew where she was or saw her. Absolutely nothing. People say she ran away. I know that's not it. She wouldn't do that. She had no reason to, nor anywhere to go.

I have been inside since then. Mainly in my bed. Not sleeping. I can't sleep. Not even because I'm not with her, but because I wake up from the most traumatic nightmares.

I haven't left my room in two days. Max is out with Robin, Nancy, Steve, Dustin, Lucas and Mike. It's useless, I've found, to try and look for something without looking the right way. I don't know how to look the right way, so I won't look. I know this isn't any way to find her either, but I don't have the energy. I haven't eaten anything in two days.

I know how Ellie felt. After a while, not eating is just easy. Not getting up is just easy. Crying is just easy. Right now I can't deal with mental exertion. Dustin has been coming over every now and then and checking up on me. Trying to get me to eat, take a walk, or something. I normally do it, just for him.

The little notebook I would always bring to school and doodle in is almost full. I tried to draw pictures of Ellie and I wrote about her. It just hurts though. Everything hurts. I write little poems to or about Ellie. I read them aloud to myself a lot.

"Now, I will have to remember longer than I have known you." She's not dead. She's not dead. She's not dead.

"I miss you and it's killing me. I wish I could see your face, hold your hand, hear your voice, kiss your cheek, say 'I love you' one more time. Missing you never gets easier.

"I am angry. I asked hundreds of why's, which were all answered with silence. When you disappeared I though, 'this isn't real'. I think, this isn't the end of us, is it?"

"When you disappeared, I knew that nothing in this world could ever hurt me more than this. I wasn't done loving you yet. I guess our story ends here."

I can't help but think the worst case scenario. I can't think of any situation where she would still be alive.

My eyes finally close and alley me sleep. I know I'll regret it, but I want to see her again.

                                ~

She looks beautiful when she's dancing. We're in a beautiful flower field, all by ourselves.

And she's dancing.

She's dancing without a care in the world. That's what I love about

her. She shows you the light when things are dark.

I am woken up. Tears stream down my face. She's gone in an instant.

"What am I supposed to do without you, Ellie?" I say, while looking at her pictures. "I could really use a bit of light right now."