45. The Dead Pool

Written after poker night, but before the end of the episode.

The Dead Pool

They fell asleep wrapped up together, a feeling of comfort and safety engulfing them both.

When they woke, they went about their daily routine; shower, dress, coffee, work, come home far too late, sleep. At times it was monotonous, but during cases like this, Kate took comfort in the routine. The case was wrapped up after three more days and, after a late night to finish up the final bits of paperwork, Kate and Castle slipped through the door of the loft together, depositing shoes and jackets and keys in various places on their way to the bedroom.

Not for that, though. Not tonight. Maybe in the morning when they were well-rested again. Right now, Kate needed a shower and a good night's rest, and Castle fully intended to accompany her on both missions.

The shower was scalding yet gentle as Castle held her in his arms, cradled her to him as he massaged the shampoo and conditioner into her hair, held her closely as he washed away the dirt and grime and stress of the case.

He washed himself quickly while Kate stood under the hot water, eyes never leaving his face as he cleansed himself. He shut off the water, climbed out first and wrapped Kate in a fluffy towel before finding one for himself.

They brushed their teeth side by side, Castle leaning against the counter watching in earnest as Kate removed the make-up from her face, tied her wet hair back into a loose braid.

They tossed the towels over the hook on the back of the door on their way out of the master bathroom, collapsed naked into bed beneath the heavy warmth of the covers.

"You doing okay?" Castle murmured as they made themselves comfortable, twined their bodies together.

Kate nodded, blinked open her eyes to meet his. "Much better now."

He smiled sweetly. "I'm glad."

She snuggled further under the covers, extended an arm to pat around on the top of the nightstand until she found the desired object.

"You're not too tired?" Castle wondered aloud.

She shrugged. "I am but I need this right now."

"You sure you're all right?" he pressed, not intending to seem condescending or patronizing, but it wasn't often that she needed to read their journal this intensely.

Kate opened her mouth to protest, took in the genuine concern in his eyes and stopped herself. She knew he meant well. "I am. Promise. The case is over now. I just need to erase those images."

Castle nodded in understanding, because he too at times had found himself haunted by crime scenes in the dead of night when he couldn't sleep, his tired brain projecting the horrifying images onto other people in his life.

He slipped the book from her hands, flipped it open for them. "Okay."

Dear Kate,

I don't understand. I spend day after day by your side, making you laugh and having your back, and yet I'm the one going home alone every night. I kind of understand it with Josh... he seems like a decent guy, so I can understand your attraction to him. I can understand you giving him a second chance.

But Alex Conrad? Seriously? First off, what happened with Josh? Are you guys over now? If so, he obviously didn't realize how lucky he was to have a second chance with you because that sure didn't last very long. I'm not sure how anyone could throw away an opportunity like that.

But trading him for Alex? How is he any different from me? I follow you around every day for research and half of the time I get the feeling you're annoyed with me for butting into your life. Then he just barges in and wants to talk procedure and you smile and flirt and give him an entire evening for which he thanks you with 300 little muffins? I don't get it. At least I help with cases and save your life every once in a while. Why are you so stuck on him and so determined to overlook me? I guarantee he doesn't love you, doesn't care for you as much as I do.

And there's no way he can possibly appreciate how extraordinary you are after knowing you for just a couple days. He's obviously just acting on attraction and lust, nothing deep and meaningful. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe casual and not emotionally attached is what you're after. It would be sad if that's the case, though, because I think you deserve so much better. And I think you and I could have something that's pretty amazing.

Maybe it was petty of me to invite him to poker tonight and spoil your plans with him, but I'm not sorry. Maybe I could have been more mature about it. But I'm not sorry about that either.

I know I wrote recently about how I'd step aside and let you be happy with Josh if that's what you want, and that still stands. But I will not stand by and watch you flirt with some rookie writer who thinks he can steal my inspiration to fuel his own career. It's irritating and rude and, frankly, I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought I was your partner, not something to be tossed away when the newer, younger model arrives.

Yes, I was jealous today. It's never easy, admitting that, especially when I know I have no right to be jealous. Then again, no one ever said feelings were rational.

What would've been rational, though, is not inviting him to come join us at the precinct in the first place. If I hadn't, none of this would be happening.

Jealous or not, though, I still love you, Kate. You're not getting rid of me that easily.

-Rick"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

Kate met him with a firm gaze, the one that left no doubt as to the truth of the words that were to come out of her mouth. "You know there was never anything with Alex and me, right?"

"I..." he sighed. "I assumed, but it's comforting to have confirmation."

She shook her head, irritation at herself perhaps, but all traces of her earlier sadness, the haunted look in her eyes, was gone, which was good. "I know I maybe led him on a bit, but it wasn't serious. I just... I don't know. He made me laugh and smile and..." she trailed off.

"But I..."

"He never held a candle to you, though," Kate continued, interrupting whatever Castle's next words would've been. "No one does."

He nodded thoughtfully, absorbing her words. For so long he'd simply operated under an assumption, and though he was fairly certain it was correct, having conformation lifted an unexpected weight. Another question answered from the box of things they'd never talked about.

They'd covered the basics, of course, in the early days of their relationship. But they'd focused so much on the giant elephants in the room that they'd glossed over a lot of the smaller, but no less important, things, such as the reasons for the demise of Castle's previous marriages, Ellie Monroe and Alex Conrad and Gina and Josh, and every other time they'd unintentionally hurt each other.

It was refreshing now to finally have these doors opened.

"And I'm sorry," Kate continued, tearing him from his thoughts. "It was inconsiderate of me. I know apologized at the time, but I'm saying it again. I'm a one-writer girl, Rick, and he's right here in bed with me."

Castle smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, and leaned in to kiss her. He felt like the recent letters had turned both of them into complete saps but after this last case they both needed the smiles and the sweet words and the reassurance.

He marked the page, closed the journal and set it aside, then turned back to Kate.

"I'm all yours."

Thoughts?