I am...

Ivy kisses the twins foreheads before leaving them in the daycare and moving to the E.R. There, she checks on some patients when Webber runs into the room and over to her, "Shepherd-Avery, where is everyone?"

She walks over to the nurses station, "Anyone in particular?"

"Well, page everyone now. A plane went down," as soon as he says that, Ivy freezes but he keeps going, "A small one, but it crashed right in the middle of the city."

The phones start ringing and pagers buzz. Thankfully, April quickly runs in and answers the phones as Ivy stays frozen by the desk.

She looks around, before running to a supply closet and hides. Ivy curls up on the floor, trying to keep her breathing even, but failing. She is so in her head that she doesn't hear Arizona walk in and sit next to her. Arizona wraps an arm around her but all Ivy sees is Lexies dead body. Mark, lying on the ground. Arizonas bone sticking out of her leg. Derek's hand open.

She feels the burning of her arm and leg. She hears the screams and the cries and the yelling. She shakes her head, "No, no, no, no."

Meredith opens the door to see Arizona comforting Ivy. Ivy looks up at her sister in law, "There-there was a plane crash."

"I know," she sits on the other side of Ivy, who grabs onto her and Arizona tight.

"But we're okay. Cause it's not us. It's not us, so we're- we're okay," Arizona tells them.

Meredith nods, "We are okay. We are-we are okay."

Arizona asks, "Did you see the guy out there? His leg is severed beneath the knee. Did you-did you see him?"

They nod, "We did."

"We're okay," Meredith reminds them.

"The girl, she can't find her boyfriend."

"We're okay."

Ivy shakes, "There was a girl with burns up her neck, on her face, on her arm."

Meredith and Arizona hug her, "We're okay."

She cries, "I-I can't."

Arizona stands, "There are mothers-pregnant woman out there. I need to help them," she leaves, leaving Meredith with Ivy.

"What can't you do?" Meredith asks her sister in law.

"Operate. All I see is myself cutting into Marks chest, blood pouring out of the tube into the bag. Sewing Derek's hand with a freakin safety pin and cloth and tape. I hear Lexies last words. I can't operate with-with all of this in my head! Why won't it go away?!" She grabs on to her hair, crying.

"Come on," Meredith gets up before holding a hand out to her.

Ivy shakes her head, "No, no, no. I can't. I- Meredith, I really can't."

She stops her, "I'm not taking you to the E.R., I think I have something that can help you."

Meredith leads her to the elevator before pushing the button for the roof. She leads Ivy out there, "Scream."

"What?"

"Scream. Let out the noise," Meredith tells her.

Ivy looks over the edge before taking a couple steps back. She takes in a deep breath before screaming. She let's all of her frustrations, anger, scaredness and pain out. She screams until her voice is almost gone. Her throat hurts by the time she's done.

Meredith smiles, "Feel better?"

"Kind of. But I can't operate. I can't make myself step into that E.R. right now. I'll- I'll just stay away until I'm better. Go, operate. I'll be fine," she shoos Meredith off.

She leaves Ivy to herself. Ivy just stares at the sky. It looks so different from the one she has stuck in her head. The image that won't leave her mind no matter how much she tries.

○○○○

Jackson finds Ivy, still on the roof, "Meredith said I would find you up here. How are you doing?"

Ivy turns to him so he can see the tears running down her face. She runs into his arms, clinging to him, "I was in the E.R. when the first patient came in. I thought I could handle it but she was a burn victim. I ran. Like a coward-"

"No. You, Ivy Shepherd-Avery, are anything but a coward. You suffered something traumatic that has been with you for years. No one expects this to be easy for you. Hunt and April know that you are making the best decision for you and the patients. You know your limits and never, never, apologize for sticking to them," he holds her face, looking in her eyes.

"Okay."

"Okay."

He nods, "I have to go. The-uh, the burn victim needs my attention. Do you need me here? Because I can st-"

She shakes her head, "No. Go. She needs you to be super doctor. Trust me, I know," she points to the burn on her arm.

Jackson kisses her, "I'm only a page away. I'll come running."

"I know."

○○○○

Walking down in the tunnels, Ivy hears Wilson say, "She died out there in the woods."

Ivy steps forward, "I'm guessing you're talking about Lexie?"

Wilson and Edwards sit up, "Oh. Uh, Dr. Shepherd-Avery. We-"

"No. It's okay. You want the full story?" Ivy asks.

"We couldn't possibly ask-" Edwards shakes her head.

"I need to tell it. Otherwise it will stay rattling around inside my head and I won't operate again. I need to tell someone who wasn't there," Ivy sighs, sitting in a wheelchair across from the residents.

They nod, "Okay. We'll listen."

Ivy takes a deep breath, "We were going to Boise to perform a separation of conjoined twins. Something that we had become known for. There were seven of us doctors. I was the ortho and trauma surgeon, Meredith was the general surgeon, Cristina was the cardio surgeon, Arizona was the pediatric surgeon, Mark Sloan was the Plastics surgeon and Derek Shepherd and Lexie Grey were the neurosurgeons. Somewhere on our way there, the plane crashed. Lexie didn't even survive a day before the weight of the plane crushed her to death. The only people to hear her last words were Mark and I. The bone from Arizonas leg was sticking out. I knew that she had a 95% chance of losing the leg. Meredith and Cristina were relatively unharmed, only some scratches and a dislocated shoulder that I popped back into place. We couldn't find Derek. Once we did find him, his hand was cut open. He had to smash it with a rock to get it out of the side of the plane. I sewed it up using a safety pin. Once that was over, Mark passed out. I had to cut open his chest and insert a tube from a spray bottle into his chest, draining the blood."

Wilson and Edwards gasp as Ivy takes another breath, "We sat out there for four days. We watched as wolves ate Lexie. I wondered when they were going to finally come over and finish me off, hell, I was half baked for them," she chuckles through her tears.

"The crash is how you-the crash is how you got your burns?" Wilson stutters out.

"Yeah. 2nd degree burn on my arm and a 3rd degree on my leg. Jackson has been secretly looking for ways to fix the nerve damage to my leg. He thinks I don't know, but I do. I think it's sweet. When I first got back, he told me he could do a skin graft on my arm, so I wouldn't have to look at the burns. But I told him no. That they were my battle scars," she smiles, looking down at her arm.

"Thats amazing. You survived that. I couldn't," Edwards tells her.

Ivys eyebrows furrow, "I survived. But I'm not living. I'm hiding. I'm a surgeon, I'm a soldier, I'm a goddess. I'm Little Shepherd."

She stands up and starts heading to the E.R. Ivy finds April in a trauma room, so she goes in, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to help."

April jumps before turning towards her, "Hey, no. I totally understand. You had things you needed to work though. Plus, you were here for me with S-Samuel and whenever I needed you. You deserve the same."

Ivy hugs her, "I'll help triage the patients. I'm okay."

As she starts a neuro exam, she misses how Owen, Amelia, Jackson, Callie and Webber watch her.

Jackson smiles, "Shes okay."

The rest nod, "Yeah."

As Ivy picks up the tablet, she hears a voice that she hasn't heard for a while, "

AN: for clarity, the last voice she heard was Mark.

I know this was short, but it showed Ivy working through some PTSD and bonding between Meredith and Ivy as well as a little between Edwards, Wilson and Ivy.

QoC: are you ready?

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