The Sands of Life

Drifting...

Sometimes he felt like he was just drifting through life.

Sozin laid belly down and sprawled out on the futon in his bedroom, his miserably despondent face splayed off the side of a pillow spotted with tears. He hated thinking about his life, or rather, how empty and meaningless it was in retrospect. Could it even be considered a life at all? As much as he hated to wallow in his own self-pity, Sozin couldn't help but end up feeling like he was forced to do it. Every now and then, the feelings he hated to be reminded of so much were shoved in his face at the most unexpected of times. If the cause didn't happen to be nothing but a nasty, spontaneous thought in his own head slithering by, it was always something else, something small that would trigger it—maybe the sight of someone laughing, or a couple kissing, or even just the sight of someone smiling in another person's direction.

Happiness...

It seemed so far out of reach.

Afterwards, whenever he couldn't suppress the bitter and sad emotions that would foam and froth to the surface, he would find himself in this strange and lethargic state of mind where he wouldn't know what to do with himself anymore. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. He would never admit it to anyone even if he actually had friends, and he didn't, but times like these were part of the reason he liked working in spurts, doing big jobs and making big money so that if the dark clouds that made him feel this way decided to swoop over him again, he wouldn't have to leave the house to do anything stressful because his responsibilities were already taken care of. He probably wouldn't be able to get up anyway even if he wanted to or needed to. It would get so bad at times that he couldn't find it in him to stand up and get himself a glass of water. He would wait until he was so dehydrated that he hated the feeling of being thirsty more than the idea of having to get up. It was the same with food. Why bother trying to stomach a mouthful? The weight upon his shoulders told him to just lie down and rot.

Sinking...

Sometimes he felt like he was sinking in life.

This was his reality and he was living it, being dragged down lower and lower into the deep because of things he had no control over. It wasn't his fault he was born into the family that he was and raised as a disgrace. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't born right for everyone else. And it wasn't his fault that he has to suffer for these things—for being only what he was and not what he should be.

So why did it hurt so bad then?

What was wrong with him? Where was the sand that everyone else was standing on?

It always seemed to slip through his fingers. There was nothing he could do about it. He would just have to wait until the storm passed and he could function again like a normal human being. He must be mentally ill or something, but things weren't always like this. Why did they have to be like this? Why did he always have to dread dragging his feet out of bed? The energy to live was nowhere to be found.

It was tough, but Wolf was always there to watch over and cope with Sozin. As an older and animal version of the man, Wolf understood Sozin's struggles better than probably even Sozin himself did. Many times, rather than moping, they would laugh and joke as a way of hiding their shared despair, but typically, no words were ever spoken or needed between them. They were quiet as they both understood the value and pleasure in simply enjoying one another's company in silence. Occasionally, they would talk, however. Even argue when things got as bad as they did.

"I don't understand, Wolf..." Sozin said from the rock he sat upon. Somehow, he'd managed to drag himself out here at the behest of his brother. They were sitting outside in the forest on a warm, sunny day.

Pensively, Sozin rested his chin on his fist as he kept his eyes in the trees, a brooding philosopher of some sort. Not too far from him, a graceful male robin was alighting onto a nest in the branches where his partner was tending to a cluster of budding eggs. He could see it everywhere he looked. He didn't have to look hard for it. It was like a ghost that haunted him and only served to jeer and gibe at every possible opportunity.

"Understand what?" Wolf asked. He was sitting next to Sozin in the real world. They had just gone for a run, something Wolf did with him mainly so the man wouldn't get lazy but also to keep his mind off of things. To his surprise, humans had proven to be fairly good runners.

Sozin stared at the birds, a cold wistfulness frozen into his eyes. "The path. The path of the lone wolf... Haven't you ever wanted somebody else to have a life with?"

"Of course... But guys like you and me aren't meant to be with anyone," Wolf said. "Friend or partner..."

Sozin buried his face in his hands and dragged them down like he was trying to take off a mask. "If I'm not supposed to be with anyone, then why do I have these urges and desires? If this is my destiny, why do I feel like I'm suffering by taking it? I don't want this to be my destiny!" Sozin's anger dissipated into despair. "I feel like I'm drowning in the silence I always come home to..."

Wolf's eyes remained harsh and uncompromising. "I've told you, maybe your destiny is to suffer. This is who you are, Sozin. None of us get to pick our destiny, so you just have to deal with it. Just ignore your loneliness."

"Just ignore it?" Sozin snapped in disbelief. "No, Wolf, no!" he said, raising his voice in boiling anger. "I'm tired of ignoring it! This isn't who I am! How can it be? How can I ignore something that is a fundamental part of being human?"

"Brother..." Wolf sighed, his head falling with a shake. "It isn't who you are but it's who the world wants you to be. That is the meaning of destiny."

"Wanting to socialize, wanting to be accepted, to have friends, and to be loved—that's what it means to be human, and I'm tired of pretending that it isn't! You told me it would get better with time!" Sozin began to mutter with a curl in his lip. "But it hasn't... at all... It just festers..."

"You haven't been alive long enough. Give it more time, and things will get better," Wolf said.

"Time isn't what I need! What will time give me that it already hasn't? You're telling me that years from now, suddenly my loneliness is going to disappear just like that?" Sozin raged, standing up from the rock with his arms flared out. He paced around like a maniac. "No! No, that's not going to happen!"

"The loneliness will never go away no matter what you do," Wolf said, remaining stoic and devout. "But I've been around for a long time, brother. Eventually, I stopped worrying about the things that I wouldn't be able to change. So I just accepted them..."

Sozin gave a few broken laughs, a grimace on his face, grinning in sad disbelief. His head shuddered back and forth in stark disagreement. "Is that really what you call 'better'?" he said with pure contempt. "Having a problem that you have no control over is better to you if you just accept it?"

"You know, finding a partner or a friend won't solve all your problems," Wolf said.

"And coffee won't make my stomach full," Sozin retorted, plopping back down onto the rock. He threw his arms out in front of him and gestured as he spoke. "But that's not why people drink it, is it? They drink it so they can have the energy to carry on with their lives. And right now... I don't think I have any."

With those words, Sozin reached for the knife holstered at his waist. He closed his eyes and dragged the flat of the blade against the side of his head.

Wolf's expression softened and his eyes crinkled in sadness. "Please, brother. Don't do that..."

"What does it matter anymore?" Sozin murmured, his voice feeble and empty.

"I know it's not my decision to make. I don't shoulder your burdens, but please, take a moment to reconsider..." Wolf said.

"I've tried, Wolf... I'm really trying, but don't you see?" Sozin said weakly. "This is my reconsideration..."

Wolf pressed his lips together tightly. "I'm begging you, Sozin... You're the only friend I truly have..."

Sozin blinked, choosing not to say anything. He simply brought the knife to his neck. Wolf turned away and shut his eyes tight, waiting for the sound of death to meet his ears, but it never came. When Wolf opened his eyes again, he saw Sozin taking in a tremulous breath with water tracing down his scarred cheek. The man broke down, dropping the knife into the grass and crumpling forward into his own lap with his hands interlaced on the back of his cowering head.

"I hate my life, Wolf..." Sozin cried tremulously. He didn't want to live, but he didn't want to die either. It was enough to make him feel like a trapped animal.

"I know, brother... I know..." Wolf said, staring at the ground as though the answers were all just written there.

Wolf listened to the man's whimpers and cries for the rest of that evening. The walk home was a terribly quiet one.