CH 32 ~ Coward
Cathain's head was hanging low as he just kept quiet. He had no words to say.
What could he possibly say?
Even after knowing everything, he still wanted her beside him like a shameless person.
He doesn't want forgiveness because he knows he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't want to be loved because he knows she can't love him after all the things she had to go through because of him.
'I just want to love her this time... give her everything that I couldn't give or show her before.'
'I just want to keep her close to me... spend my whole life to make it up for her.'
But will she let him do this after she recalls their past?
Cathain's chest felt heavy as each breath he took felt like crashed his heart.
He doesn't wish to take advantage of her forgotten memories; even if she hates him after recalling everything, he will gladly accept.
The day she recalls the past will be the day when she becomes his Eleanora again, whom he had wronged in the past.
Who suffered because of him and the one whom he truly loves.
But he is also afraid of that day...
What if she just moves on from him?
Ending everything they had by truly forgiving him and choosing someone else to spend her life with?
He will prefer for her to hate him all of her life, blaming and punishing him than to move on from him.
Even death is a better option for him than spending his life without her beside him.
On the other hand, Alexander was getting impatient as the crown prince just stood still with no movements.
He seems to be lost in deep thought as even after calling him a few times, the prince didn't respond.
'Just what is wrong with this crown prince these days?'
Alexander thought with a frown on his handsome face before he just decided to walk away.
He has to look after his daughter; what if she suddenly wakes up and searches for him?
"So how long do you plan to hide like a coward, duke?"
The crown prince's low but cold voice echoed from behind and Alexander paused on his steps.
His back was facing Cathain, who finally came out from his thoughts and glanced at the stiffened duke.
"You are distancing yourself from her, treating her coldly so that they don't target her... but you know how this is affecting her."
Cathain continued to speak as he took slow steps toward the silent duke.
"She was bought up in a happy atmosphere, had the perfect loving parents, attention from everyone, admired by people... but now she has none of this."
Alexander clenched his fist as he listened to the crown prince's words while looking straight.
He was trying to control himself as every word the crown prince has spoken is the truth.
"You are tolerating everything in silence and she doesn't even know any of this... why don't you tell her?"
"The duchess has been long gone, but you have your daughter who loves you!"
"You are capable of protecting her...why don't you just stand beside her then?"
"Failing once doesn't mean you will fail again, duke!"
Cathain paused before raising his voice as he finally stood behind the duke.
He was getting angry.
Why does the duke always choose to protect her by hiding her away and retreat?
They can face it together, they can help him.
Then why doesn't he ask for their help?
Where Alexander closes his eyes to maintain his calmness but then the crown prince's next words finally snaps out his patience, making him shock and furious.
"FOR HOW LONG DO YOU PLAN TO HIDE LIKE A COWARD, DUKE DALTON?!"
"BECAUSE I AM A DAMN COWARD LIKE YOU HAVE SAID, YOUR HIGHNESS!"
Alexander replied with a deep voice as he turned to face the crown prince.
His blue eyes widened with anger, frustration, and many more mixed emotions.
Both of them just stared at each other for a brief moment before Alexander's jaw tightens up and he starts to speak in a low voice.
"...I had fallen for her the moment I saw her for the first time. I fell so damn hard that I took the direct blood oath to your father; I exchanged my loyalty and life in return for your father to let me gets engaged with her!"
"And because of that damn blood oath...when the imperial order came for me to go to the borders, I had to go despite feeling odd. BECAUSE IT WAS AN IMPERIAL ORDER!"
"I left her at our home which I considered a safe place for them and returned to see her sacrificing herself to protect that same safe place!"
Cathain was a little surprised as rage filled Alexander's blue eyes while recalling the scene of his wife's death.
This was the first time that he saw the duke talking so much and showing emotions on his face.
Maybe because he was tensed for his daughter or the situation in the meeting room earlier... or might be because of the crown prince's words that made him finally lose his emotions.
"...Her powers burst out in front of me... along with her body; I couldn't even touch her face one last time, let alone held a proper burial for her!"
"For the first time ever... I regretted taking the blood oath; I loathed this empire and this imperial family but hated myself even more. I failed to protect her!"
Alexander's voice lowered down as he spoke and Cathain felt guilty for his earlier words.
How could he blame the duke like this?
Doesn't he know what it feels like?
"Do you know how it feels like when you know the culprit but can't punish them? They are roaming around freely in front of your eyes but you can only tolerate them?!"
"When you want to avenge your love but all the evidence meet with a dead end?"
"When the person who used to sleep beside you will no longer be there?"
"The home doesn't feel like home and no one is there for you to wipe the tears you shed silently every night in her memory?!"
"You are telling me to give up on avenging my love and protect the person who is here now?"
Alexander questions and Cathain looks down.
He couldn't meet the duke's eye because his eyes held the same pain too.
He knows it all.
Life feels meaningless when the person you love isn't beside you anymore.
When you keep talking but know that the other person can never reply to you back.
When the person only exists in your memory and you start to live in your memory because living a life without her felt meaningless.
Eleanora is important to the duke, but his wife still holds the highest place in his heart.
No matter how many years' passes by, Alexander can never forget the moment when her powers exploded and she vanished in front of his own eyes.
He had lost his mind, distanced himself from everyone, neglected his daughter but later he took advantage of that to keep her safe.
He is still searching for evidence against the duke like a madman to avenge her, but he can't risk Eleanora's life.
If they could harm his wife in his own territory, then they can harm his daughter too.
A self mocking smile appeared on Alexander's face as he wondered what he is even saying to a teenager.
He just lost his patience and the words he has been suppressing for so long finally came out.
Alexander took a deep breath as he looked up at the glowing sky; recalling her bright golden eyes like the sun.
Gentle breeze passed by them as his silver hair sways along with his long blue cape.
How good it would be if she was here with him… hug him tightly as she would stroke his hair saying that everything would be alright.
She is here with him.
He is not alone.
Alexander shook his head as he casted a last glance at the teenager boy before him, whose face was filled with unknown pain.
But he didn't care about it much as his daughter is the main priority for him now.
He started to speak again as his usual indifference face took over his emotions and he turned away from the crown prince.
"The only reason I am still sane is because of my daughter... Otherwise I would have destroyed everything to avenge her instead of hiding like a coward to keep her safe."
He spoke with a brief pause without even turning his head, and Cathain's red eyes widens.
"And that's the only reason as to why you are even engaged with her at the first place..."