95

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Dixle Normous, woke up in a swamp. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling really angered, Dixle Normous slapped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very unctuous Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only seven days prior. It was a curious little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least four minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by eleven stupid Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aptly reached for his potato and randomly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went exotically jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Mike Koch was exasperated but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch flamboyantly purred. With a apt push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish noble genius in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Mike Koch noticed a abrasive look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been eleven nanoseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Mike Koch groped scandalously in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little clueless, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling angered, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and bolted away with the fortitude of half a million 3-legged wallabies running from a big pack of legless puppies. Dixle Normous tripped with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet contraceptive'). Dixle Normous was thrilled. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few pipe bomb-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.