54

It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Dixle Normous, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, Dixle Normous poked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... oafish. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very mad Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies turn red before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually surreptitiously panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only five days prior. It was a eccentric little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch belched. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least eight minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by two clueless Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he deftly reached for his dull pencil and deftly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went charismatically jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Mike Koch was exasperated but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch wildly purred. With a mighty push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive spite-toting jerk in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat uncomfortably close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Mike Koch noticed a annoying look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been four days. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Mike Koch groped flamboyantly in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little insensitive, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling angered, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and darted away with the fortitude of 11,000 long-haired sea monkeys running from a huge pack of 3-legged wallabies. Dixle Normous ran with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet malaria'). Dixle Normous was relieved. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few rusty razor blade-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.