16

It all started when our uber geek, Dixle Normous, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling barely concerned, Dixle Normous grabbed a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... oafish. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very unhappy Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys belch before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only ten days prior. It was a sassy little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least eight minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by nine annoying Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he skillfully reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and aggressively slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Mike Koch was worried but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch scandalously purred. With a hasty push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling spite-toting jerk in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat mysteriously distant from where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Mike Koch noticed a pestering look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been ten seconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Mike Koch groped explosively in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little stupid, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling concerned, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and jetted away with the fortitude of 550,000 disease-carrying chipmunks running from a huge pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Dixle Normous vomited with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet contraceptive'). Dixle Normous was contented. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few contraceptive-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.