C46: Lancelot

Two weeks later after receiving Evangeline's email which I didn't reply to, her father, sir Elliot, finally arrived the country without her, just like how I expected things to be. If she was gone for two weeks, who took care of the cat then? It'll be impossible for her to bring the cat with her to the US, right? I don't want to believe that she just left the cat and let it starve to death. The Evangeline that I know wouldn't be that harsh. Unless she poured out her anger at me to the cat since I'm the one who gave that to her.

I hope I'm wrong, because that costs a two-month salary of mine. Although the price is secondary, still, I'm after the idea of how she took care of it.

After finally having an idea on how to reply, I turned on my laptop, logged in to my email to reply to her last message.

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Evangeline,

I know that this is a late reply, and I'm sorry about that. It's just that I don't know what to say, while on the other hand, you mentioned that you couldn't find the right starting point. The truth is, I've lost the courage to talk to you because I reached the point where I thought that I don't have the slightest right to face you. You lost the courage to face me, and it's pretty much the same in my case. In fact, I only feel lucky … no, blessed. I feel blessed for having someone like you. Seeing you talking to me like this even after what happened is a miracle. It might sound a bit exaggerated, but it means a lot to me, and I can't thank God enough for making all of these things possible. All I thought, you'll slam the door shut and simply say, 'we'll see each other in court' but that's not the case.

I will, however, accept if you'll decide to file a lawsuit against me – against all of us who are involved in these crimes. Your uncle, his assistants, my father, and I. Yesterday I talked to my real father and he said that he's willing to be punished for the things that he did. Your uncle and my father teamed up together to win the elections by getting rid of their competitors, or doing things that can make them hit the rock bottom – you probably know all these things now. All you need to gather are proof, and I can help you with that. The decision about filing a lawsuit for the three of us are all in your hands. It'll give justice to those people who lost their loved ones, the ones who had their reputation ruined, and even the corruption – everything.

Whatever your decision will be, I'll respect it. Thank you for enlightening me about the importance of genuine repentance, and yes, even if I'll end up spending the rest of my life behind the bars, I'd be grateful, because even if men cannot forgive me for everything that I've done, God can.

Thinking about it still feels impossible, but I do believe in it. It makes me think that – if I didn't kill Giovanni and didn't meet you, I'll probably remain in a chaotic life where violence is the only language that I can understand. I learned my lesson and finally saw the value of life. Something that

I never realized during those days where I was blinded by the life I was taught to live.

I truly regret my actions and I'm sorry for all the pain that I've caused you. Those aren't and will never be enough, but it's all that I can do. I cannot bring Giovanni's life back, nor heal your shattered heart that trusted me all this time. You probably had sleepless nights and cried a river of tears, and yet, you didn't bother to detail it. All I can do is to imagine, and I do have an idea. It was selfless for you to say that it's not about you but me, and I have to be honest, I wasn't expecting that your kindness would be this far.

Again, thank you for everything, and I'm sorry. There's no point regretting now, but I want to believe that I'm not my past. The painting that you made – the man there who was happy to be free and yet, being close to being consumed by fire – it's really me. Strange how you came up with a painting idea long before you found out about my life story. Just like him, I would smile for having my freedom from my dark past, but at the same time, I'm shattered too. The girl in the painting seems to be you, who's trying your best to 'save' a man with a dark past – from his complete destruction. I believe you have accomplished it by telling me alone that God is merciful enough to let me enter the gates of heaven one day. I don't think I can ask for more. I'm going to reflect more on all these things when I read His Word.

I'm sorry. I think this email is too long. I believe I have more to say, but I guess I'll say those once we meet in person again. So far, I said the things that I should.

I hope for your safety, your healing, and your return. May God give you back the favor for everything that you've done.

Victor

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"Lance? Lance!" a voice called, shifting away from my attention from my deepest thoughts after I sent the email to Evangeline a couple of hours ago. "Dude, are you even listening to me?" Megan complained, as if we're friends. I couldn't believe my ears when she called me 'dude.'

"Did you just call me 'dude?'" I would understand if she called me that because we're close or if he's a guy herself. But she doesn't fit in any of those categories.

"Yes? But don't mind that, sir Elliot's looking for you."

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"Lance," he began, his facial expression blank, his eyes as cold as ice. "No, it's Victor now, isn't it? Evangeline told me the story." Seeing sir Elliot in front of me made my stomach turn. He can certainly see the revulsion in my face, even if I'll try my best to hide it.

"Ah, yes," I forced myself to smile, but looked down, avoiding direct eye contact. "I believe you're disappointed with me right now, and probably angry too. So does Evangeline. She may be nice whenever she emails me, but I believe there's a hint of hatred in her which is understandable."

"You're wrong about that. Evangeline wasn't mad for long but hurt. If you're curious, she's fine now. She can manage to function the way she should, only that she's not as enthusiastic as before. I'm not angry at you, son. I wouldn't say 'it's alright,' but after knowing your family background, I learned to understand. Thanks to you, we found out that the root of everything is my brother. Blaming won't change anything, and just like Evangeline herself said, what's done is done, what's left is to forgive."

"I don't even deserve to be called your 'son.' But sir, how can you find it so easy to say those things? That you understand, and you should forgive?" even if I'll hear this from them a thousand times, I don't think I can ever believe or understand. It's too good to be true.

"Because it's the right thing to do. I've seen my daughter cry because of a guy thrice. She's a soft girl, and she's not the kind who can handle to have hatred in her heart for a long time. Things happen. This is how I see it – because you killed someone close to her, you also learned how it feels to lose someone important. Because of that event, you got back to your senses and realized your mistakes. You chose to change your ways, and are repentant on the things that you've done.

Everyone has their own stories. People committed mistakes and had achievements as well. But they're not their past. I don't know what Evangeline has been thinking or planning, but to be really honest, I've never seen her that sad. When she's with us, she looks perfectly fine, but when alone …" he looked away cleared his throat. "Let's not talk about that, because it'll make you feel worse. But the point is, forgiveness is the first step to begin healing, and it all starts with you. You have to forgive yourself first and let go of it. I want to believe that you're getting my point. Don't worry about Evangeline, she's fine. She told me about some of her plans for the next few months, and I must say, those are perfect. I cannot discuss those with you, but you'll see it when the time comes."

Hearing his last words made me feel more restless. Knowing the idea that all I can do for now is to wait for Evangeline to show up kills me every day. I want to hear everything from her directly. I no longer have the courage to face her, but that's the only thing that gives me relief. The question is, when will I ever know what she's planning? How long will I wait? Moreover, sir Elliot isn't telling me much about her current state but only the useless information of her being 'fine.' She's definitely not. What's good is at least, what he said makes sense. Before I wait for Evangeline to forgive me, I must forgive myself first.

I sighed and ran a hand through my head, with no longer anything else to say.

"Tell me. Do you love her?" I raised my head, and as our eyes met, I couldn't help but feel worse, and I felt my heart racing. That's a hard question – not because I don't know the answer, but because he's the one who asked.

"If I'll be really honest, yes, I do, and when she was here, I wanted to protect her at all cost. I do know, however, that I'm not supposed to. I don't deserve someone as pure as her." I clenched my right fist as I hide it to my back. How long are we going to keep this conversation? Each second that passes makes me feel like I'm standing on quicksand, where each answer can pull me down.

He hardly moved a muscle, keeping his blank facial expression. "I asked her the same thing before I left," he paused, as if to remember what Evangeline's answer is. "She couldn't say anything, but only forced a smile."

That's neither a yes nor a no.

"I won't keep you any longer. I only dropped by to talk to you. The cat is waiting for me, so I must go to pick her up." He said, and hearing about the cat lifted up my downcast spirit.

"Wait. Pick-up? Where's the cat then for the past two weeks? Did Megan took care of it while she was away?"

"No. She booked the cat in a cat hotel. So the cat was taken care of by others for the past two weeks. That includes the home, food, and everything a cat needs. The cat must've had fun too because there are other cats there. I must go. Take good care of yourself." Without letting me say another word, he disappeared from my sight.

Knowing that Evangeline still exerted an effort not to leave the cat alone is such a relief. At least that removed one of my worries. What's left is her.