C45: Lancelot

"Dad. Is that how I should call you?" I asked as stood before Vice Mayor Chris Castillo, my real biological father that I can finally talk to – for the first time. The last time we met in Arthur

and Vincent's party, he didn't talk to me at all, but I managed to talk to his wife in secret for a short time. Up to this day, I can't help but wonder why. If they were really excited to meet their 'long lost son,' then he should've talked to me. I see the eagerness from his wife, but not exactly him.

"You're free to call me that, if you're comfortable with it," he answered, his eyes remaining cold, completely expressionless. How can I even get the interest to treat him as one, if I don't see him giving the slightest interest to treat me like his son?

"Right," I paused, trying to hide my disappointment. "I'm here to inform you that the person who killed the mayor's son is me, and he's the last person on my list. I'm already leaving that kind of life. The person I l- I mean, my friend, was Giovanni's cousin. I couldn't forgive myself for hurting her since I had no idea. But anyway, the point is, she already knows everything. About the people who raised me, the mayor's corruption and wrongdoings, and about me. She wants justice, of course. But she couldn't file a lawsuit against me because we're friends. She's angrier with her uncle, the mayor. She knows that I was tasked to kill his son. What can we do about this?"

"Perhaps you're here to ask for my help to clear up your name so that you won't be stuck behind the bars?"

I narrowed my eyes as he gets into my nerves. Is this his way of talking to people? By giving the 'is that supposed to be my business' look?

"I'm just saying," I continued, as I regain my composure. "When the mayor gets sued, he'll pull you along. It's not just about me, but us. My parents – or rather, the criminals who raised me are now in jail, only that they're not saying anything about the ones who are involved in their business. If they do, you, who worked with them before can be affected. That also includes me. Therefore, its US who are in trouble. How can you even stay calm?"

"Isn't that what we all deserve?" he leaned on his seat, his hard expression softening. "We all should be behind the bars. In fact, I'm already expecting that one day, it'll come to this. No secret will be a secret forever."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're sounding like you're willing to surrender if they pull you along."

"Honestly?" he faked a smile as he brings the glass of water into his lips. "Yes. It's what I deserve. There's no point denying it."

"You're …" I paused, holding myself back from saying something that can offend.

"… crazy? Is that what you want to say?" he's surprisingly quick to understand.

"Your wife, my mother, wouldn't approve of this. I want to believe that you know that. When we talked, she said she'll do anything in her power to clear up our names."

"And she's not here. If your friend would file a lawsuit, then it's over. The evidence that can be gathered is, I believe, not easy to be found. That's where the mayor is good at. That's why

being under his wings makes me feel safe. Unless your so-called parents would reveal, we won't get caught."

"I … I still don't understand." I admitted, trying to gather myself together. Now I regret visiting him in this very house of theirs.

"If your friend loves you, she would spare you. Does she love you? As far as I know, if you love someone, you won't do anything that will get them to trouble."

What he said makes a lot of sense. I don't know who I am in Evangeline's eyes – if I'm simply her friend or someone she has feelings on, which I doubt. She only said that 'I almost won her heart' and nothing else. Having a peaceful mind is something that I simply can't have at the moment, and she's the only one who can give me that. I didn't get any decent sleep ever since the night when she told me that she already knows everything, but more than the idea of me ending up behind the bars, I'm more worried about losing her, the most important person in my life. She's the person who warmed up my cold heart. I learned her values. How to forgive myself, the second chances, and how to be happy. She's the first person who taught me how to love, how to value people, and how to value myself – since she's the only one who treated me like a human, and not an animal who murders people.

I've never been sure of my feelings.

If this man cannot help me, then I have no choice but to let things happen, for I no longer have control in it.

---------------

I rested my head on the steering wheel, gathering myself together from the disappointing conversation I had with my father. Although I'm not expecting anything huge, it still felt like a waste of time to talk to someone who's overconfident about his security 'under the mayor's wings.' I guess the only thing left to do is wait and see. The key is in Evangeline's hands. Once she decides to follow the path of justice, this game would be over, and I'm the loser even if I'm no longer playing.

By this time, I want to believe that she already managed to understand me completely, and yet, I still don't have the courage to face her and beg for forgiveness. My actions were too unforgivable to be forgiven, anyway. She's the one who introduced me to the idea of forgiveness, though.

Perhaps the judgment that she'll push me away is not for me to make.

What if there's hope? Because at this moment, I'm willing to grab the slightest hope that I have left. My realistic mind, however, kept on rejecting the idea.

My phone placed on the dashboard lit up, with a notification that states that I have a new email – from Evangeline. My heart started to race as I saw her name as if this is the 'slightest hope' that I've been waiting for.

I immediately unlocked my phone and opened the email app. The mixture of excitement, fear, and hope made my heart stir. It gives me the feeling that I should open it, but at the same time, I'm afraid to know what she has to say. Waiting longer, however, wouldn't accomplish anything, so there's no use to wait for something that's already here.

---

Victor,

To begin with, I'm calling you Victor because I don't want to see Lancelot anymore, since Lancelot was the one who killed my cousin, as well as other innocent lives. Knowing your real name was the perfect timing since it was also the time when you chose to change.

It doesn't, however, change the fact that there are still remnants of the past. Even though it's Victor that I knew all this time, you're still the one who did it, even if I want to keep on denying that fact. I'm sorry if that made you feel bad because I couldn't find a good starting point. I was only being direct. I'm not usually like that … not until now.

I don't think I still have to explain what I felt after knowing that fact, because I don't want to add up to your problems. You at least have an idea of how I'm handling all these things. When I was reflecting earlier, I learned that God forgives even the worst sinners. Apologizing to me should be secondary because what you hurt the most was God. What do you think a father would feel when he finds out that his son was killed? Isn't God our father? Every believer's father. Therefore, Giovanni is His child. You mentioned before that you're bound to hell after everything that you've done when you first told me about your family and the things that you've done, but the truth is, if there's genuine repentance, you can be forgiven. None of us would like to be in hell, even though everyone deserves to go there. Let's be real about that – all of us, even the kindest people, did something that displeased the Lord at some point in their lives. But what matters is, there's hope.

When you repent, you also have to surrender. Surrendering everything to God means that you'll no longer live by your old ways, but doing the right things that can honor God. It's not about being a saint, but being sinless. Nobody can be perfect, but sin can be avoided.

The point is, the death of Jesus Christ is more than enough to atone your sins. I'm saying all these things because I don't want you to feel that there's no longer hope for people like you, who did the worst things in the past. We're blessed that we have a God who's merciful enough to forgive. So please, don't be hard on yourself. It's not too late.

If in case you're curious about me, how do I say this … I'll be honest with you. I can forgive you, but I'm still working on that now. It was too much to handle, knowing how shocking that was. I wouldn't detail it, but the point is, of course, it's upsetting. It's not easy. But this isn't about

me, but you. You have to deal with your mind because I can imagine how you're struggling and how guilty you are right now.

Somehow, I can imagine restless nights. I'm sorry if I couldn't go to the restaurant, I don't think I have the courage to see you. I'm tired of crying; I no longer have the energy for that. Also, don't bother to look for me, not for now at least. I'm going to the US two days from now, I just booked a flight an hour ago. Dad said that my mother's awake, and she wants to see me. Please look after the restaurant on our behalf, since dad and I won't be around at the same time. I believe dad would go back in a couple of weeks, so you'll need to handle him. I might not go back for some time, so if you have concerns, just email me. I can't promise a quick reply, but I certainly will.

I look forward to your heart's healing and a peaceful mind. Don't worry about how I'm coping.

Your friend,

Evangeline