2019

"What does it feel like to have cancer?" Brian asked quietly. He had never asked his best friend what it felt like. They'd joked about it, they'd talked about how much it sucked for Killian to be in the hospital all the time but they'd never talked about how it really felt. 

"Well, I get headaches all the time. But you know that. And I feel tired and exhausted a lot more quickly than other kids do." Killian said. The two boys lay on the grass, staring at the stars. The stars were mere pin-pricks in the sky, twinkling down at them. "But there's more to it." Killian added. Brian turned his head to look at him. "Having cancer means you can only watch the stars from your backyard. They're still bright and beautiful, they still smile at you from up above. You can still make wishes on the first one you see. But you can't leave the backyard, you can't go on a long hike to see the stars. And if you'd try you'd need help, and it would take a lot of energy out of you."

Brian nodded. He could understand, at least he thought he could. When he was with Killian they always had to be careful but it was still fun. He wouldn't give their relationship away for the world. "You know I'm always going to be your friend, right?"

"Course, I know." 

"Do you want a guiness?"

"Did you seriously bring beer?"

"It's the back of your yard lad, I have liters of beer stashed in the bushes." Brian replied.

"What?" Killian half-shouted in surprise. "You have what?"

"Beer. Buried in your back yard. Wait here for a second, I'll go and get it." He jumped up agily and dissapeared into the thicket of Killian's backyard. 

My friend's an alcoholoc. Killian thought amusedly. He only had to wait about one and a half minutes until the red-head returned holding two cans of beer. "Here you go." He handed one to Killian. They popped the cans open and clinked the bottoms together. 

"Cheers." The guiness tasted good to Killian. It tasted even better because they were in his back yard, so close to being caught. Drinking these beers couldn't have felt more rebellious anywhere else in the whole world, except for in the house itself. 

"Can I ask you one more question about cancer?" Brian asked after a second. Killian shrugged and nodded. 

"You can ask me anything, Brian, I'll always answer."

"Alrighty." He took a breath, exhaled in a sigh and posed his question: "Are you scared of dying?"

"Do you mean am I scared of dying as in the moments before death or if I'm scared of not existing?"

"I mean...both actually." 

"Well," Killian started, he interrupted himself by taking a large sip of guiness, "I'm definitely scared of the pain. I have the feeling that the last hours before I die will be complete agony. It already feels like there's something in my head that's alive but isn't part of me...I think that feeling will grow stonger until it feels like a rat is feasting on my brain. So yes, I'm scared of the pain of dying. I'm also scared of what I'll think about in those last moments. I hope I'll be full of gratefullness for the days I did get..." He took another sip of his beer. Brian stared at him. Having Brian stare at him always made him a bit nervous; he guessed that to be because of Brian's abnormal intellegence. Somehow it shone through his eyes. "And I don't really believe in heavan. Some parts of me want too, but I can't really imagine it. I don't know what it would look like. So if I don't exist anymore anyway then there's nothing to worry about." But that wasn't the whole truth. Brian nodded his head in agreement. "But that's not the whole truth Brian," Killian continued, "I am scared of not existing. Because I love to exist, of course I'd rather be here without the tumor, but I still love this world. I love to have arguements, I love to eat, to play football, I love to play card games and chat with you and I love listening to music even if it gives me headaches now. I don't feel ready to go, and I don't know if I'll feel ready when I do go. I'll still be gratefull for what I got, though."

He smiled at Brian. And Brian smiled back. For the moment both of them were happy, and they knew that wouldn't change in the near future. They lay down again, letting the grass tickle their necks. The stars seemed brighter than before; maybe because the night had got even darker since they'd started their conversation.

"I can't believe you have beer hidden in my garden." Killian said thoughtfully after they'd lay there in silence for quite a while. Brian burst out laughing and Killian joined in.