30.Vincenzo Devellis

I couldn't help but be a bit embarrassed as I realized that I had been caught in my scheme. "I didn't want to force you either, Dan, but I had no choice. I had exhausted most of my tricks up to this point and I still couldn't get you to take a look in my direction. And if I didn't, would you be here talking to me, right now? At first I thought that as long as I tried to be a good person, treated you well and let you know that I actually love you. Then I found out that it wasn't fucking true the hard way! No matter whether it was true or not, you just didn't want to have anything to do with me! Since you left me with no other choice, what else was I supposed to do?"

"How about just talking to me like a normal fucking person?" Dan sat with his head in his hands and kept refusing to lift it.

I was just about reaching my wits end with him. All I could really do in this moment was throw my weight around a bit, which is something I didn't really feel like doing with him. If I couldn't prove to him that he belonged with me then just what else am I supposed to do? Die? Lock him up?

Either way, if felt like we had both suddenly come to the end of the line. Danny was still unwilling to have anything to do with me without Ashton in the picture. I could obviously make him happy, yet he refused to entertain that idea even for a second. Why couldn't he just trust me again like he used to? I would literally do anything if it's for him, so why won't he join me in going back to how things were? I mean, how could he possibly stay? He was so stubborn to the point that my head started to hurt from trying to break down the barrier that seemed to separate us the more I did anything.

I felt desperate. He was right in front of me, yet it all felt like an illusion, like he can disappear at any moment. What should I do so our relationship won't turn out this way?

"What else are you planning?" He mumbled.

Forever suspicious, wasn't he? I gave him a miserable smile. "You tell me, since you're so smart. If you want me to leave now, I'm not going to just yet. You'll have to get me out of here by force, so why don't you pick a place on me and take a stab. If I die, you won't have to deal with me anymore."

Danny couldn't seem to stop crying when he said. "You....threatening me with something like this....you are sick in the head."

I took a deep breath and stood up from my chair before turning towards Danny and letting my full on anxiety show. "Dan, is it so hard to accept me again? You once loved me, and we were very happy together. We can be just like we were before. I'll be better-No...I will treat you a thousand times better than before. Is that so hard for you to accept? I beg you, give me a second chance and you can do whatever you want with me, except leave."

Dan still refused to lift his head.

I became more angry the more I looked at him be more miserable than ever. I was so angry at him, who went as far as to have a heart attack over what had happened, which I hadn't anticipated. But even so, Danny wouldn't acknowledge a thing about me. Not even that I love him so much that I did all that I did to just be with him.

I've confessed over and over again to no avail. I blame him for being too weak to handle this! I blame him for being such a fucking tool when it came to Ashton but not me! Is Ashton the only person who wants his affection? Can't I at least be second?

"You know how I see this?" Danny said weakly. "You actively teamed up with someone, who tried to lock my dad away forever just to force me to break up with Ashton. The stress of possibly losing my father became so much that I had a heart attack at the police station. Then as soon as I woke up, I had to break up with the someone who really loves me the way I am....because you just can't take no as an answer. You don't even have enough decency to let me make my own decisions. No matter what, you just try to find new way to control me, like I'm some pathetic toy! You make it impossible not to despise you."

I reluctantly picked up on the fact that he looked visibly nauseated. That feeling of unease took over my entire body from the expression I couldn't understand from him. Inevitably, that look began to claw at my heart and destroyed what little hope I'd retained. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder but he quickly shook it off. "Danny-"

"Don't touch me," he snapped letting the venom drip from his voice again. Danny let out a pained screamed as he threw a pillow towards my head to prevent me from getting closer to him. The feather pillow bounced off of my head and fell to the floor with a "thwap". I didn't retaliate, i didn't do anything in my defense. I just stood there, not understanding what i did so wrong and letting him get his anger out. "Go. Away. Vincenzo. Just leave me alone forever, please." He growled out.

"Danny, please?" I said, tears started to well up in my eyes.

"Do you want to know why I hate you? Why sometimes I can't even stand to be in the same room with you?" Danny asked, the tears, now doubled, falling down his cheeks.

I felt my stomach clench up and I felt as if i couldn't breathe. Slowly I nodded my head, tears in my eyes and my heart panging from the harsh words Danny kept spitting at me. "Why?" I asked, my voice no higher than a whisper.

"The fact that you have no idea already speaks volumes. I've actually already told you why so many times."

"I don't want to think about that," I stupidly said.

"And that is precisely why I hate you. So if it's alright with you, I'm going to bed. Just leave me alone, Vincenzo, and don't come back here," he covered himself up and turned away from me so he wouldn't have to see my face. I reached out for his shoulder again just to be shook off. Danny took the moment to turn slightly and put the most hateful look, usually reserved for Martin, on his face to look at me. "Don't. Touch. Me. Or else I'll call the police on you."

"Danny, I'm sorry," I finally started to feel like I had royally fucked up beyond repair. He wasn't even this emotional after I had almost killed him a few years ago. In no way did I mean to almost kill him again, so I visited against the advice of Ashton's mother. I didn't think that it would result in Danny seeing through the entire scheme.

"I've been nothing but good to you and was always forced to go along with what you wanted. How could you do this to me, Vincenzo?"

"I-I didn't think this would happen to you." I stammered, my heart thumping wildly in my chest. Go ahead, Vinny. Lie to the only person who truly ever gave a shit about you.

"No you didn't. But you knew something would happen. Still you did it anyway."

"I didn't think it would effect you like this?"

"Why'd you listen to her?"

Because it felt like the last chance I had to get you to listen to me. But I didn't say that. I never say that.

"Because she's older and smarter, and she knows what she's talking about." I said, looking down at the frayed, floor.

Danny huffed a huge sigh. "You really.....No. You're just afraid of change. But, I'm not. Not anymore."

I stood still, feeling my face grow hot. I didn't have a comeback. I didn't have a comeback to that. "Danny...I..."

"Just leave me alone, Vincenzo!"

I sighed, and rubbed the tense part of my neck unmoving. "Danny, I just..."

"Leave! I don't want you here! Just listen to me one fucking time already!" I froze, and quickly got up off the bed, gathering the things I had gotten for him. "I don't like you! I'll never like you! I never want to see you again! I hope we never get entangled with each again! I wish I had never met you!"

"Danny, I love you."

"I hope you die," he spat at me. I stared at his indifferent back feeling as though he really meant it this time. I decided not to argue, so I wouldn't be the cause of his worsening condition.

I was a jealous, weak, heart-broken ass. I had a taste of nirvana, and instead of standing up and fighting for what I wanted, for the person I was in love with, for the one person who meant more to me in this world than any other relationship ever had, i ran and I hid and I licked my wounds in private while simultaneously putting them onto Danny. But in taking care of myself, I had abandoned him a long time ago. I had abandoned Danny and, it turned out, walked away from so much more.

I removed myself from his hospital room as I just listened to him sob uncontrollably. Succeeding in breaking his will didn't feel like a win to me. Getting him to do what I wanted him to do was making me feel even more horrible than I already did. I expected the tears, I had planned to help him through it...but I never expected a heart attack.

I didn't know that by threatening the person he loved the most, that he would get sick again like this. None of this was his fault. He just wanted to feel loved and be happy, and I punished him for it once again.

"You done with your visit or you going back?" Martin asked as I plopped down on the bench right outside the door of the hospital.

"Yeah, he really had a heart attack," I said.

Martin looked absolutely taken aback. "Luckily he's still alive. But why are you crying? You can't blame yourself for something so out of your control."

I grimaced at his words. "No, it was in my control, because it didn't have to happen. All I had to do was leave him alone, but I kept messing with him instead."

"Geez, what did you do? Poison him?"

"I made a deal with Ashton's mom. She told me she'd arrest Danny's father and force them to break up, then I could swoop in be Prince Charming. But the shock and stress of it all was too much on his heart."

"His dad? How stupid can you get? You know that we can't make decisions for people, what made you think that would work?" Martin face palmed. "Are you sure that therapy is even working for you?"

"I got caught up in my own feelings," I seem to spend so much of my life feeling guilty. Guilty for driving Danny into such a state, guilty for setting up his father like I did when he basically raised me while my parents neglected me, guilty for lying to him and approaching him in a devious way.

I wouldn't trust me either, now that I think about it.

"Are you saying the guilt of what you are doing is too much for you?" Martin asked.

"No...yes...I don't know..." i trailed off, lowering my head in shame as I spoke. "I didn't mean to hurt him, but I keep doing it. For some reason, I just can't be honest towards him. I don't even know why I started this again."

"Sure you can, it's very easy to be honest with him," Martin said.

"Why didn't you just kill me?" I asked sullenly.

"What?" Martin said. "What are you talking about?"

I glanced at him with a pained expression. "You should have just killed me," i said. "The day you beat my ass at the bus stop. You should have just broken my neck right then when you had the chance."

"Vinny!" Martin snapped, punching my arm at full force. "Don't talk like that."

"I'm a horrible person," I lamented. "I'm a horrible person, and you should've killed me to take those memories away from me so I wouldn't know about it."

"You're not a horrible person," Martin soothed. "You're just fucked up and need more counseling."

I snorted. "I sank you to the bottom of the fucking ocean, Martin. Then I did it again to Danny and his father."

"Just proving that you need all the help you can get. From where I'm standing, I may have an inkling about how you feel. You just went about it in the wrong way," Martin said.

"He just gave up," I said picturing the defeated look on his face once more. It was one that I hadn't really seen on him since he started to date Ashton, and it felt awful that I was once again the cause of his misery.

"Well, if he tries to fight you anymore, he'll die," Martin sighed. Those words gave me pause.

"That's what Danny told me once."

"Let's say, hypothetically, that Danny accepted you. Would you be able to be good to him knowing that he'll only ever want Ashton? Or that he'll never stop thinking about Ashton? Or that he'll always hate you and be miserable because of you?"

"I'd make him like me."

"You still want to force him?"

"No! I meant that I'll be good to him, so he can be happy again. I can....I can make him happy! I know that I can!"

"If that was true, you'd still be upstairs with him right now," Martin lit up his cigarette and stood from the bench. "The clinic is a few blocks away, you should speak to a therapist about what you did."

"I haven't been there for a week now."

"Which is why you should just go back now. Hopefully, Ashton is graceful enough to still allow you heal after what you did."

As we walked towards the clinic I couldn't help but notice that my feet felt like lead. I knew it was wrong and I still accepted her deal when she appeared in front of me, offering me exactly what I wanted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A luxury car had pulled up in front of me on my way home from school. The way it screeched to a halt in before I could cross the road, made me think that someone else who held a grudge was finally getting back at me. I didn't care exactly who it was that wanted their revenge, as I had ruined many people's social lives, so I was ready to accept whatever it was that was coming my way in a few seconds.

The back window rolled down revealing an opulent looking blond lady. The way she looked up me with a natural scowl reminded me of Ashton.

"Please get in," she ordered rather than asked. "Don't be afraid, I'm Ashton Belle's mother."

"Never seen you before."

"I'm his biological mother, not the one raising him," she explained as of what she had said was normal. Regardless of my initial hesitation, I got into the backseat of the car with her. "Vincenzo Devellis, you used to hang around with my son a few years ago, correct? Father Enzo, mother Apolonia? I can see why he kept you around."

"Um, do you already know everything?" I asked.

"Not everything."

"Well then, I have something to tell you about your son," I fumed before I could filter myself. "He stole someone from me and I want them back. As much as I try to get him back, Ashton just won't let him go and it's getting on my nerves."

"Wow, so my son stole Daniel from you? No wonder he's acting so indifferent with me now," she smiled menacingly.

"You believe me just like that?" I asked.

"Of course. I have no reason to doubt you, and my son never went against me before he met that boy. I'm sure you know, as the attorney general, I'm a very busy woman, so I can't tend to Ashton as much, but that doesn't mean I can't still set him on a better path."

"You're going to force them apart?" I asked eagerly. Finally, there was someone who wasn't telling me to just let it all go and move on. Finally someone who could see that Ashton and Danny didn't belong together.

"That's my plan. But I need some extra information."

"What do you need to know?"

"What time his father leaves for work. He seems to attribute all of his self worth to his father, so I'm going to use that against him. I have a list of charges including kidnapping as well as fake documents and a paid couple to act like they are Daniels real parents. During the confusion, he should get the point that he has no choice but to break up with Ashton, or he will never see his father again. After all that, you can get your little boyfriend back and keep him away from my son." She said. The plan, while extreme, could very well work. If Danny is vulnerable, I could have a chance with him.

"He usually leaves for work around 6:30 every morning. You can't miss him," I said feeling a bit off with the idea of dragging Danny's dad into the feud between Ashton and I. It didn't seem right, but this was the only thing I could think of working to break them up.

"I'm curious as to why you're so eager to help me. This is just a guess, but I have a feeling that Daniel and you have a long history. Are you not afraid that this'll make Daniel hate you?" She asked curiously.

"You think I don't know that he already hates me? I want him back with me, and that's what matters, because I can love him better. I don't care how he might hate me in the future, all I need his the old Danny back and away from Ashton so he could be with me."

"Don't talk down on my son. Know your place."

"All I want is for Danny to be back with me no matter what," I sighed. "It's where he belongs."

"Then, do your part well. I'll contact you when the job is done so you can be his knight in shining armor." She held her out out to me and I shook it, sealing the deal I had just made. Everything in my gut was telling me to take back what I said and run as far away from this lady as I possibly could, but I actively chose to ignore it.

"I'll do whatever you ask, as long as I get Danny back to myself," I forced a smile on my face and took her business card.

When her secretary called me the next day, I never expected to hear that Danny was in a medically induced coma for the next 48 hours due to a heart attack. After she had told me exactly where to find Danny, I threw up my breakfast. In fact, I couldn't eat anything for the rest of the day.

I felt the guilt eating away at me like never before. I felt as though I should've given Danny's father a heads up about this lady, so he could take the proper precautions. Instead, I couldn't keep my lunch down as I came to the realization that I had sold out the only man who had tried his hardest to be the best father figure he could be to me. I got him arrested and caused his son to go into cardiac arrest.

Because I was lonely.

The secretary had called me a few times, just to remind me that this is what I had agreed on, and it was soon time to play my part. She even let me know that there's no way i could be blamed for someone having a weak heart, and if I was so concerned that I should make sure that he's happy for the rest of his life.

Because no doubt he would be mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I regret it all. I should've never spoken to a stranger.

Thinking that going this far to prove my love to him would work, had been such a delusional idea. I couldn't believe I was arrogant enough to walk into his hospital room without any kind of sort prep, and expect him not to question it.

I wanted to break him, but I didn't want to see him broken. Danny made me feel my control slipping away from me, so I took his control. He had so much power over me, and it scared the shit out of me. I've spent most of our relationship trying to regain that control. But every time I did, I hurt him just like now. So no matter what I did, I lost.

For some reason, I couldn't help but want to take everything he has. Like a toy. Someone who just happened to be entertaining my anger for the time being. A creature that will hiss and growl at you occasionally, but still make a lovely pet. Im supposed to be feeling like I lost a cat or something unimportant, right? As for settling the past....I'm sure I can turn this around. After all, I was just acting on my desire to possess him. That's how I've always been! I've never failed to get what I wanted!

"You good, bro?" Martin asked.

"I'm fine," I muttered under my breath, not really caring if he knows it's the exact opposite that's true. Maybe if I block him out long enough, he'll just leave me alone. Usually I resist showing my somber emotions but right now I don't really think I could keep up the charade. Right now anything would be better than reality.

Danny loves Ashton.

"You're not fine," Martin sighed, beginning to sound a bit frustrated. "You're...sad. Heartbroken. You're lonely," he concludes, and I absently note that he appears to have shifted slightly closer to me during his analysis.

"Don't be ridiculous," I chide, running a hand through my hair in irritation. "Why would I be lonely when everyone I need is right-"

His hand slammed onto door in front of us leading into the clinic, causing a few people around us to jump in shock. "Don't lie to me, Vinny."

"There's nothing wrong!" I yell, trying to push on forward, but he didn't budge. "Let me go in," I add in a lower voice, smooth and dangerous.

"Vinny-,"

"We're getting married," I spit vehemently. "We're getting married, and we'll spend the rest of our lives together. We don't need anyone else. Danny doesn't need him and I don't need-"

I was cut off by a hard slap to the face. "I wasn't sure how else to shut you up and you looked like you would do something impulsive."

"Why the fuck does it hurt so much?" I asked him rubbing my stinging cheek.

"You went soft from losing your mind. Why do you think I'm so levelheaded right now, I've been boxing my ass off. Now go talk your therapist already," he dropped the cigarette he had and pulled out his pack for another cigarette. "You make me want to chain smoke, so I'll wait for you outside. Don't go anywhere after that."

"Yeah," I said. I think my cheek was starting to swell up nicely.

"So, Vincenzo, what brings you back? I thought you were dropping therapy," Dr. Mancini settled himself into his gray fabric loveseat. The room was tastefully redecorated with colorful abstract art. The gray couch is accompanied by two chairs of the same color now instead of the usual royal blue. His pen and notebook sits on the couch and a cup of coffee was placed in front of where i normally sit. I take the cue to sit in the chair across from him, setting my keys on the coffee table separating us.

I couldn't help but be thankful that Ashton hadn't cancelled the sessions yet, though he had ample time to do so.

"Uh, well, I'm having an issue with my relationship with Danny and I've come to a point where, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't bring myself to stop harassing him. I've tried and it just doesn't seem to happen for me."

Dr. Mancini nods and jots down a few things on his notepad.

"Do you have any specific goals for us to achieve?" He asks in a comforting tone.

"Just to help me quit it. I'm ready to quit for good this time," I shook my head.

"What's changed?"

"Danny had a heart attack.....because of something I helped bring to fruition." Dr. Mansini looked a bit shocked but quickly recovered.

"A bit too young for heart attack, isn't he?"

"That's why I need to stop....it was just like he said. My pursuit of him will end up killing him," I said before giving him a summary of what had gone down a few days ago with the attorney general. "I just don't want him to die because of what I did."

"How close do you think Daniel and his father are?"

"Very close. Like, they really love each other," I said.

"And you felt as though threatening him with his father would bring him back to you?" Dr. Mansini.

"Is it wrong to exhaust all options?"

"What if Danny had used himself to control you never let you make any choices for yourself?"

"I'd hate it."

"Do you think he enjoys it?"

"No!"

"Then what about seeing him in distress and feeling like you're in control of him do you enjoy?"

"No! I don't enjoy it! I just want him to come back to me!"

"So have you never tried to have a conversation with him about it?"

I did....but every time, it turned into me trying to manipulate him into doing what I wanted to do, because I don't like his independence. I couldn't stand him being cold to me, so I would fake nice until he was pulled into a false sense of importance, then I would systematically strip down his confidence so he would just agree with me and not argue. If he looked elsewhere for any kind of happiness or affection, I punished him because I didn't feel he should.

Not once had I ever tried to see him another living human being until today, and when I did, I had to stop the feeling of wanting to jump from the windows as it would only serve as a dark cloud over his head, since Danny just cared too much.

I knew that Danny was wary of me and would never forget the abuse I had inflicted on him, but I really tried my hardest to make him reopen his heart to me. Taking even one step in the right direction took a long time and a lot of effort. I felt like I shouldn't give up....but I knew I should.

"How about a different question. Are you jealous of the relationship Daniel and his father have?" Dr. Mancini asked me.

Michael Cunningham was the father I had always wanted, and he treated me like his own son, more than both of parents combined. "Yes....if it were me, my father wouldn't care about it at all. All he cares about is how we look, so I have to live a lie."

"Could it be that you resent Daniel?"

"Excuse me?"

"You may hold resentment towards Daniel for having the father that you wish you had. You wish your father would allow you to live as feee Danny's does. You wish Danny's life was yours, and you have for a long time, that's why it has become harder for you to let go. Anything sound right?"

"I'm jealous of him?"

"He's got the family, the unconditional love, the stability....all the things that you want, he has. Are you not envious?"

"Why am I jealous?"

"Well extreme envy such as yours usually stems from low self esteem, high neuroticism, and feeling possessive of others, particularly romantic partners. Fear of abandonment is also a key motivator. These are all things were spoken about a few times in the past."

"You say keep saying envious. Is it different from jealousy?"

"Jealousy and envy are similar feelings, but they're not the same. Jealousy always involves a third party seen as a rival for affection or attention. Envy occurs between only two people and is best summed up as, 'I want what you have.' For example, someone may feel envious of another's wealth, status, or appearance.

"Remember, jealousy is a normal and human emotion. However, the manner in which a person acts on the emotion may speak to his or her narcissistic tendencies. A person who recognizes the emotion and attempts to understand it may be able to act upon the feeling constructively. Alternatively, an individual who acts out defensively by behaving in three specific ways may be narcissistic."

"What are the ways?"

"First, a partner who projects his or her jealousy onto a person. The partner may not be able to cope with the negative emotion, so he or she defends against it by 'seeing' it in a mate. You then feel entitled to accuse and criticize the person. This may cause confusion because the person has witnessed the partner exhibiting jealousy yet is now the one who is accused. Two, a partner who handles the negative emotion by 'getting back' at a person may also be robustly defensive. This occurs when a partner experiences jealousy and attempts to make his or her loved one 'pay.' The need to punish a loved one in a passive-aggressive manner. Three, a partner who uses their jealousy as justification to control and dominate a partner may be unable to deal with insecurity in a healthy manner. All of this applies to you."

"So I project what I hate about myself onto him, I get back him when I feel bad and I'm controlling when it comes to him," I said. "All this comes from some narcissistic jealousy? I really thought it was because I love him."

"It's a common misconception that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealous stems from a perversion of love."

I don't love him? I was just jealous? "I thought....."

"Obsession often makes us see things that aren't there," Dr. Mansini told me. "Let's talk about why you feel that you can't let go of Daniel."

"Because he was always there, I can't picture life without him anymore."

"Are you afraid of being alone?"

"Yes!"

"But you have Martin who you just moved in with, right? You aren't alone. Are you seeking closure?"

"Closure would mean that I accepted the relationship between him and Ashton."

"It would mean that you're finally ready to face your problem with him and have a real conversation. It would also mean that you finally acknowledged him on a human level instead of treating him as an object that can be owned."

"I still don't understand how I got so attached to him."

"Anxious attachment style is rooted in abandonment fears and care-related inconsistencies growing up. It's often developed when children are dependent on unreliable caregivers. They repeatedly learn that their caregivers may not come through when needed. Over time, they begin to worry about whether or not their caregiver will be available or dependable, hindering their ability to form secure attachment. Children quickly lose trust in their caregivers' ability to show up for their needs, but they know they still need them. As a result, they worry about their needs while continuing to seek out attention from their caregivers. Anxiously attached children tend to have strong emotional responses to separation and, because they've learned their caregiver is unpredictable, feel a deep need to be very close to them. Or in your case, you latched onto Daniel as your savior."

"So what do I do?"

"Which one of your parents do you feel disconnected with you first?" He asked.

"My mom was never connected except to punish me and I was always connected to my dad by his fist," I said. "There was some kind of connection either way."

"You know what I meant Vincenzo."

"I don't which one detached first, they were just never there and never cared. Didn't we already get to why they didn't care as anyway? They didn't want to be embarrassed by me. So they gave up early."

"Would you say your mothers rejection or your fathers rejection hurt the most?"

"My fathers rejection."

"A review of case history, agency record, and self-report studies indicates that about one-third of all individuals who were physically abused, sexually abused, or extremely neglected will subject other children to one of these forms of maltreatment. The rate of abuse among individuals with a history of abuse is six times higher than the base rate for abuse in the general population. Although this suggests that being maltreated as a child is an important risk factor in the etiology of abuse, most maltreated children do not become abusive parents. Many mediating factors affect the likelihood of intergenerational abuse. The goal we need to work towards is stopping that behavior with or without Danny."

"How the hell do I do that?"

"When you feel that you have been wronged by your partner, or are angry at something they have (or haven't in this case) done, you need to be able to stop yourself from using abusive and violent behaviours. Up until the moment you are violent and abusive, you always have the choice to act differently. Putting strategies in place to manage your anger in a healthy way, is the first step in a

process that can help you stop the anger from escalating in violent or abusive behaviour."

"Put myself in their shoes?"

"Exactly, imagine yourself as that person that's about to be harmed."

"How can I put myself in a position I've never been in?" I chuckled at the absurdity of this doctor.

"Your father beats you up, doesn't he? You've very much been in their shoes, so I'm sure you can relate as much as you might not want to," he pushed up his glasses. "If a mirror was placed in front of you every time you acted out, would you resemble you father?"I felt my heart hurt, because as much as I didn't want to be like my father, I was definitely just like him. I would do anything to not to be like him again, but I didn't know how to stop? "What do you think about your father, Vincenzo?"

"My father . . . is a cruel, and evil man who doesn't care about anyone but himself. So much so that I thought the only way I could survive was to move out all the way across town where he can't find me. I would have kept up that charade until the day I died if Martin hadn't offered me an out." I said quietly, though I'm sure he heard me.

"Why didn't you go to a teacher, or the police?" Dr. Mansini asked slowly.

"I did once. . . " I paused, staring off to the side, refusing to look him in the eye. "I told a teacher while ranting and then she told the police because she's a mandated reporter. They came over to investigate the family. In the end the two officers left with beer in hand and my dad laughing and patting them on the back." I chuckled darkly. "Then I really got the punishment of my life."

"What happened?"

"The bastard locked me in a closet for a week. For seven days I was forced to sit in a cramped, pitch black silence. The only time the door opened was when he wanted to hit me or yell at me. I got fed by my mother twice the entire time. I wasn't allowed to speak or go to the bathroom. He would walk by the door as much as possible to let me know he was out there. He would pound on it, scream, curse, threaten me. Anything he could do to scare me. After a week and I was finally allowed to come out, emaciated and covered in my own excrement because I couldn't hold it that long.

"He took me to the bathroom, shoved me in the tub and held me underwater until I nearly passed out. When I was decently clean I was wrenched from the tub gasping and crying and dragged into my room." I could hear my voice start to waver to my discomfort. "My father put me on my bed, and wrapped me in a blanket. Kissed me, hugged me. Then he told me. . . He said "Vinny, can't you see how much I love you? I love you so much that I can hurt you even when I don't want to. I love you so much I can punish you when you need to be punished. This is what happens when little boys don't listen. I love you so much Vinny. It's very bad when you tell on daddy for loving you.' Then my father grabbed the back of my neck, and told me 'if you pull something like this again, I will kill you and I will take you to a place that no one could find you.'"

"That's very detailed."

"I can remember it like it happened last night," I admitted. "He did those things until the time when I turned 10, that was when it got even worse. After I started bulking up from football, instead of hitting me more, he would talk down and humiliate me. He said it was my own fault. That if I stayed out of trouble and I did something right, these things wouldn't happen. 'This is your own fault, Vincenzo.'"

"Has that been your perception of love this entire time?"

"He told me what it was....and their marriage seems alright. I mean, when you fall in love, you're supposed to do everything in your power to keep them. You only punish them if-"

"Your love interest is not a child. What your dad taught you is very wrong, and that's why you feel so much pain now. You know yourself that love isn't supposed to hurt," Dr. Mancini said. "When you punished Danny, what happened?"

I grimaced as the philosophy I had believed in my entire life was being systematically torn apart. "It gave him a heart attack."

"Was Danny happy? Do you think he felt loved when you 'punished' him?"

"Not at all," in fact it never once got across to him that I had romantic feelings for him. Shit, he never even believed that I had any kind of feelings for him.

"Did you want to break the relationship he had with his father to punish him?"

"Yes, it was supposed to be punishment for not choosing me. He would of course get his father back and I'd get him back....but he wouldn't ever be happy or smile again if I did. And I might not be happy seeing him in constant pain."

"Why?"

"I'll be reminded of myself....and then I'd feel worse for making him that way!"

"And, without thinking, what will you do if you're reminded of your younger self?"

"Beat it out of him because I don't want to see it."

"Why do you feel you can so easily put your hands on Daniel?"

"I don't know!"

"Dig deeper!"

"Because he let me! He couldn't fight back! I kept thinking that I was toughening him up but I was really just beating him and stealing his medical equipment! I did it because he let me do it! I did it because that coward has to die!"

"You want to kill him?"

"No! Just his fear!"

"But if he could never win, what's the point of fighting?" Dr Mancini asked. He got me there. "Isn't that why you don't fight your father? Because you can't win against him?"

"Yeah, there was no point to any of it," I sighed. "I messed it up, it's all my fault. Right?"

"You can only take responsibility for your actions."

This is all my fault.

Those words were the ones I knew the best. The world shouted them at me as I breathed and tried to live my life. My fault, when I lose control and have no say over the things.

I can never win.

Every single day is like I am fighting in a war. Everywhere I go, there was someone to hurt and to tell me that these bad things happened because of me; that it was my fault. I go to school and I get yelled at and picked on by teachers, because it's my fault that I am not like everyone else. I go to my family home and I get yelled at and physically abused because I exist.

It's all my fault.

Maybe Dad was right. I deserve to die. I should've never been born. I'm just a burden on my parents shoulders. I bet they'd be secretly happy if I died so they wouldn't have to pretend to like me anymore.

"I haven't heard from them since I moved out," I said.

"Then maybe they're moving on, which only leaves you, left to heal yourself."

"I'm not sure how to....without Dan."

"Daniel is not an option. We must find another way for you to deal with this. Whether you decide to take the healing process into your own hands is your own decision," Dr Mancini told me. "Are you ready to finally let go of all your pain and suffering?"

I nodded and lie back on the couch. "I'll take it seriously this time."

"How are you feeling?"

"Guilty...and I feel shame for ending up exactly like my father. I hate it with a passion, but it's literally the only thing I know, because I'm only copying what seemed to work for my father. I hate him so much, so I don't understand why I'm so similar."

"We can't help but idolize our elders as we grow. Without realizing it, we take up their values, and before you know it, you're speaking exactly like them."

"That's absolutely no good," I said. "I don't want to be like them. I want to stop hurting Danny."

"Explain why you don't want to be like your father after all this time."

"I don't want to turn into a piece of shit like him. I just want to stop feeling so miserable that I take it out on everyone around me. It doesn't make me feel better."

"Do you think it makes your dad feel better?"

"I don't know. Why does that matter?"

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."

"Then no, I don't think it make him feel better. But then why does he do it?"

"His choice not to change. Can you accept that he may never change and move on from what happened?" Dr Mansini raised his brow at me.

This must be how Danny felt when I asked him out. Every punch, kick, slap and word of abuse thrown at me flashed through my head all at once. Not once did he waver from this and it wasn't likely that he would change anytime in the future.

I didn't want to be like him.

"Tell me what to do, I'll do whatever you say. Just make me not be like my father anymore. I can't take it if all I can do is hurt the people who love me. It hurts to much!"