My Epic Formula

Now for those who want to know all the glorious details about Naruto's previous life. I got a simple answer; read my epic formula below, and get enlightened.

My Epic Formula

Physical Torture (a shitton)

+Mental Trauma (the joker may be saner than him)

+Heavy Manipulations ( The kid was willing to give his life for the villagers [ a bunch of lunatics who tortured him] if you think it's due to his free will and since he is a nice kid, then you are beyond redemption. No hope for you)

+Abuse (treated as a fucking demon says a lot)

+Fucked up life (not gonna elaborate, fuck off)

+Disappointed (In himself rather than those village assholes, due to heavy manipulations by the Hokage and other fuckers)

+Lack of knowledge & skills (No one taught him shit)

+Love failure (I don't know if a banshee, who is a diehard fan girl of some Uchiha bastard is a good prospect for love. But what can I say the kid was not known for his intelligence)

+Hunger & Malnutrition (1 cup ramen, 2 times a day, 7 days a week, 366 days a year[ it's a leap year fuckers] doesn't seem like a nutritious diet to me)

+ Death Wish, which got granted by that RFOA (Random Fucking Omnipotent Asshole, who is eagerly waiting for my sweet fist)

RESULT = GAME OVER

There are more than enough hints in this epic formula to get an idea about the general causes of Naruto's demise. If you still don't have a fucking clue from all this epic shit, then this may help. He died after praying for his death while crying his heart out in his bed. Lucky or unlucky for him, his wish got granted by ROA. You know who.

Now back to my epic tale...

~~~~

Oh, wow, lucky me, I stumbled upon the "life of the brain-dead simp" through some ridiculous nine-tails memories. Great, just what I needed in my already messed-up life. The villagers of konoha who manipulated and tortured a kid deserves a round of applause.

Seriously, who does that? But hey, at least I have a basic understanding of my screwed-up situation now, and a hint of clarity in this godforsaken mess. Yay me!

And let's talk about the nine-tailed beast, shall we? A freaking tailed beast who also happens to be a ninja geek, what a combo! He's got a memory like a damn supercomputer. Thousands upon thousands of powerful ninja moves stored up there.

Photographic memory? Check. It's insane. But of course, guess whose luck is just out of this world? Mine! I get only the fragments of his memories, and you can bet your sweet kunai that most of the juicy stuff is missing. Figures!

Oh, how I wish that conceited bastard had left me his complete memory and techniques. But no, of course not. I'm stuck with a handful of powerful moves, and the rest are probably gonna blow up in my face. Isn't that just fantastic? Beggars can't be choosers, right? Thanks a lot, you generous tailed beast.

But hey, it's not all bad. At least I've got the brilliant idea of merging these bodies. Now I can hit up the library they have here and learn more stuff. Maybe I'll even invent some epic moves myself. Watch out, world!

Oh, and guess what? Unlimited clones! Hooray! They can either try out those moves for me or, you know, just blow themselves up. It's on my to-do list, folks.

Oh, the irony! I have an unlimited chakra supply, but noooo, my flimsy little body can't handle it. It's like having a million dollars in the bank, but you're allergic to shopping. Such a tease!

If I did so then I would probably reach my ultimate form, The Charcoal Man. Because what every person dreams of is becoming a being made of, you know, charcoal. Such an enviable transformation, right? I'm sure everyone will be super jealous of your newfound blackened state.

Oh, and congrats on mastering the art of consciously supplying chakra to hold your body together. It's not like that's some kind of critical skill for ninja survival or anything. I mean, who needs to learn that before almost dying, right?

And let's not forget the infinite chakra power bank you conveniently have in the form of the nine-tails. Because why not be OP? Clearly, a life-threatening situation isn't complete without a massive chakra reservoir to rely on.

After taking what felt like an eternity to heal yourself, it's time for some beauty sleep. Ah, yes, because nothing helps mend a broken body like a nap. And don't worry, nobody's coming for you. Your apartment is a mess, but hey, that's one advantage of being feared and hated by villagers – no surprise guests.

Of course, you can't resist using this moment to start the merging process between Naruto and the nine-tails. Because what's a sleep without some good ol' fox-Naruto fusion dreams? Gotta love those vivid hallucinations, right?

Lo and behold, the grand meeting in your dream – oh, wait, no Roa, just the nine-tails charging at you like a rabid dog. What an exhilarating turn of events! Truly, dreams are the best way to spend your slumber.

Wasn't this fucker dead? Why is his aura pink? Wasn't he a fucking "HE "or did he swing the other way? Maybe, yup most likely. I think he had his eyes on Naruto. good thing for that kid he narrowly escaped from his pervert.

I think this shit is happening because I tried to start the merging process. Is this the kind of scene where I needed to smash some sense into him, to initiate the merging process? Is it like some test or some shit, in those cultivation novels? Ah FUCK!

Well, one way to find out. I started flying. It's my dream space, and I can do what the fuck I want. He can't reach me at this height. But he shot a chakra ball at my face. I just willed it to get annihilated.

Unlike some brain-dead mc, I will not be giving the villains an opportunity by talking a shitton of bullshit at crucial moments. I like to end the fight pretty quickly.

And did exactly just that, I shot a transfiguration beam at him and transformed him into a piece of nine-tailed fox-shaped chocolate, and tossed it into my mouth, take that sucker. Majin Buu style baby...…

Well, at least it tastes good. Ah, next came the most classic scene in all cultivation novels. Even though this is one is not.

WTF? Give me a break, damn it the sweet fucking pain of getting transformed. The feeling of getting your body destroyed and reformed, cell by cell. Ah! such an exuberant feeling that masochists would have died for.

Not being one, I willed it to go away just as it hit.I am still in my dream space, lucky me. But this time I got knocked out cold.

"What the fuck is happening? Maybe I willed it wrong". These were my last thoughts as I drifted into the everlasting void.