Let's go shopping!

I haven't gone shopping in years! It's easy to say... buuut I really don't fucking want to... It's scary. What if I don't have enough change? Wait, forget about the change! I smell like a rotting dead body found in a dumpster! Don't ask me why I know what that smells like! Alright... alright... calm... down... all I have to do is take a shower and change my clothes. Easy, right? WRONG! I'm gonna have to clean the shower from all the dried blood first! How do I clean off dried blood?

Hmmm....

Let's ask a popular social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website. For legal reasons its name shall be omitted.

1 minute after posting the question...

Alright, I've already got 420 replies! According to them, bleach and lemon juice (which, no matter what, I refuse to count as food) ought to do the job!

20 boring minutes of cleaning later...

Alright let's take a shower now... shampoo check... towel check... nothing else is needed. I'm a guy after all.

After 12 minutes of censored showering...

Alright it's time to get out of the shower.

*OUCH!!!!!*

After a minute or so of lying on the floor...

I have totally not stumbled again while getting out of the shower! Nope, not at all!

With a towel covering me, I left the bathroom in order to get dressed.

After a badass montage of putting on clothes...

Alright, let's check what I look like now. I look like a hobo that has taken a shower! That's just one small step for a gamer, but one giant leap for mankind! Now in order to look a bit more like a human being and less like Bigfoot, let's get to shaving off this beard and cutting this long, long, long, long hair.

An hour of searching for proper tools and cutting later...

I've used some scissors to cut my hair to a level where it doesn't reach all the way to my neck, but also doesn't cover my eyes in the front. For the beard, I just shaved it off completely using my father's razor.

Now looking in the mirror all I see is... a guy with the worst yee yee ass haircut I've ever seen! But he's also got muscles oh... such handsome muscles he has.

Alright, all I need now is money. Let's check my savings. I posses a nice sum of 10 realmoneyz {currency}. That should be enough for 2 bags of chips and a single bottle of soda. All that's left now is to go outside and do the shopping.

…

As I walked outside of my apartment building I remembered something! There are goblins outside. But surprisingly, none of them attacked me. They just looked at my awe-inspiring muscles and ran off somewhere.

And so, I made my way down to the closest store, occasionally catching a glimpse of running goblins.

After 3 minutes of walking.

I'm here. This is the closest store from my apartment. I'm already anxious of the social interactions I'll have to endure inside!

'I can do this.'

I walk inside and to my surprise there isn't anyone here. Wait... is it empty because of the goblins outside? If so, does that mean I won't have to interact with anyone? Hell yes!

After a victory dance I also noticed something else... not only are there no people inside, the store is also completely empty! There's literally nothing on the shelves. What the fuck happened here?

10 minutes later.

After a careful examination of the store with the use of [Analyze] I found some footprints I can only assume came from goblins. Oh, right... I should probably also note that there were 3 dead bodies in the storage room, 2 human and 1 goblin. Now that that's out of the way, let's focus on the important stuff, which is... Where are my chips and soda?!

I bet I could find them if I find the goblins' hideout!

As I'm about to leave I notice something...

A BIG FUCKING SWARM OF GOBLINS GATHERED IN FRONT OF THE STORE!