chapter nine

"𝔎𝔫𝔬𝔴𝔩𝔢𝔡𝔤𝔢 𝔦𝔰 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔞𝔰 𝔩𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔫'𝔡 𝔰𝔬 𝔪𝔲𝔠𝔥;

𝔚𝔦𝔰𝔡𝔬𝔪 𝔦𝔰 𝔥𝔲𝔪𝔟𝔩𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔥𝔢 𝔨𝔫𝔬𝔴𝔰 𝔫𝔬 𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔢.

𝔅𝔬𝔬𝔨𝔰 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔰𝔢𝔩𝔡𝔬𝔪 𝔱𝔞𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔪𝔞𝔫𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔰𝔭𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔰."

~ William Cowper, "The Task, Book VI: Winter Walk at Noon"

---

Hearing the news and actually seeing Barbara rendered two different reactions from Estelle. Upon hearing it, she almost went numb, taking a step back and bumping into Matthew, who reached out to steady her. She shook her head, almost in disbelief. Barbara could not be dead. To think of that felt like such a foreign concept.

Thomas would come stay with them. It was decided. Her uncle Gideon and aunt Sophie would leave for Idris, where her other cousin, Eugenia had collapsed upon hearing the news.

Seeing the body the next day made it all seem more real. Estelle had her hand covering her mouth and tear-filled eyes. She refused to let them drop. Instead, she chose to turn away from the body and walked right out, dropping down onto the floor, without a care if her dress got dirty.

She closed her eyes and tried to regulate her breathing, covering her face with her hands. She lost her control over the tears and they flowed down her cheeks. Barbara was dead.

Dead.

Sucked of all life.

Gone from this world.

Never again would she hear her cousin gushing about Oliver.

Never again would she ask for advice about dresses.

Because

Barbara

Was

Dead.

D E A D.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

That word kept running through her mind. Dead. It felt weird. She hadn't lost someone close to her, ever. She never knew Benedict Lightwood, so she didn't care, and adding onto the fact that he did things with demons that shouldn't be done, it made her more uncaring.

She heard footsteps before someone grabbed her by the elbow and lead her gently away. She eventually felt the cold breeze of the outside weather. They were outside. Her eyes flickered open and she winced at the sunlight.

Her head moved left and then right trying to decipher who was holding her arm. She saw the stylish waistcoat and the golden hair and instantly knew. "M-Matthew?" Her voice was hoarse.

He looked over at her and smiled gently, continuing to pull her until they stopped next to a bench. He sat her down and situated himself beside her. "Are you feeling better?" He asked, his voice soft and quiet.

"A little." She paused. "Thank you."

"You would have done the same."

"I don't know what came over me." Estelle admitted.

"You saw your cousins dead body, Elle." Matthew said, taking one of her hands in his. "You're allowed to feel upset."

"I don't think I can afford to feel upset."

"That's bullshit." Matthew deadpanned. "Someone died. I think you can take some time away from killing demons and saving lives to mourn."

"It overwhelmed me. All I could see, when they took the sheet off, were memories. Me and her playing dress-up with Anna. Her teaching me which colours went with which ones. Talking about boys I liked. Her telling me how wonderful Oliver was to her." Estelle sighed. "I remember she told me, I would be there for her wedding, and one day, she would be there for mine."

Estelle lowered her head and let out a shaky breath, one tear slipping down her face. "I guess that won't happen now, will it? I can only imagine how Thomas and Eugenia must feel. And uncle Gideon and aunt Sophie. They suffer more than me."

"Estelle, don't compare your loss with theirs." Matthew shook his head. "Just because they were closer to her, does not mean your loss and your hurt matters any less."

"I think that maybe- maybe because I haven't lost someone before, it hurts more." Estelle said carefully. "I've always thought I was prepared to lose someone, considering what we do, killing demons and all that."

"But you weren't."

"No." She sighed. "I wasn't."

"No one is."

"And now, I'm even more scared. What if those demons come back again. Then, what? What if they hurt someone else. Someone else that I care about. I don't know what I'd to myself." Estelle clenched her free fist.

"You won't do anything to yourself. I won't let you. And nothing will happen to any of us."

"You can't promise things like that, Matthew." Estelle smiled sadly. "You have no idea what the future has in store for us."

"Maybe not. But I can promise I'll be there with you. Through it all."

"Will you really?"

"Of course I will." He nodded.

"You know I'll be there for you as well." She squeezed his hand. "Always."

"I know." He smiled back.

"Are you feeling alright?" Estelle asked.

"I'll be fine." Matthew forced a smile onto his face.

"If you're sure. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to." He nodded in thanks. There was quiet for a while before a carriage pulled up and Lucie flung the door open.

"Lucie? What is it?" Estelle stood, on guard.

"There's been another attack. One dead, two wounded. James said we're to go see Emmanuel Gast. I've come to take you back home for your gear and weapons." Lucie explained.

Once they got in the carriage, it took off quickly. "Is my brother alright? Thomas?"

"Christopher's gone home with your parents, and Thomas went with them to get settled in." Lucie said. They dropped Matthew off first, and he promised to meet them there when he was done. Then, they went to Estelle's home and she snuck in through the back door while Lucie waited outside.

Estelle quickly got dressed in her gear and remembered to tie a white silk band around her upper arm. A white band of mourning for Barbara. She strapped her sword to her back and tied her hair up, with her hair stick in it.

Then, to avoid seeing anyone, she climbed out through the window and hurried back to Lucie, who ushered her into the carriage, where they took off to the address Ragnor Fell gave them. Matthew was waiting, just as he said, when they got there. Lucie sent the carriage away.

Emmanuel Gast lived in a flat above a handkerchief manufacturer, near the junction between Cheapside and Friday Street. Matthew pointed at Friday Street. "There used to be a pub up that street called the Mermaid Tavern, where Shakespeare used to drink."

"Why do pubs seem to have magical names, I wonder?" Estelle mused.

"I don't think much of Shakespeare's taste." Lucie wrinkled her nose and Estelle laughed. Her eyes were on Matthew, noticing how tired he looked. He was in his gear, same as them, with a white mourning band around his wrist and a white flower in his buttonhole.

He made jokes as they waited for James and Cordelia. They were glamoured and people walked around them. Estelle saw several Irregulars, which were Downworlder street urchins running errand out of the Devil Tavern. "Elle." He edged closer to her. "There is something odd I wanted to talk to you about. Charles – well, Charles is always odd, but Charles and Grace – "

"James! Cordelia!" Lucie yelled.

Estelle shot Matthew and apologetic look. "Tell me later." He nodded, before they both turned to see James and Cordelia step out of their carriage and start walking towards them. They were deep in conversation, not noticing Lucie yet.

"Interesting." Matthew narrowed his eyes. James was rarely lost in conversation with anyone other than his closest friends. Matthew raised his hand and waved. James and Cordelia made their way over, both of them dressed in gear.

"It's a boardinghouse." Matthew said. "I've already been inside." Estelle assumed he went in before her and Lucie showed up. "The landlady said our friend Emmanuel Gast was away from home for an indefinite period."

"We managed to find out the flat is the one on the third floor." Estelle provided.

James smiled. "Then we go up the side of the building."

They walked into a narrow alley. "I was afraid of this." Matthew muttered. "My boots are new."

"Stiffen your sinews, Matthew." James said. "And cry God for Harry, England and Saint George!"

"Shakespeare." Cordelia said. "Henry V."

"Well spotted." James took out a grappling hook. He threaded a rope through it and tossed it. His aim was excellent, as it always was and the rope unfurled down the side of the building. "Once more unto the breach." He began climbing.

After him, was Cordelia, then Lucie, then Estelle and finally Matthew. Estelle was halfway up when she heard a yell. Matthew was on the ground when she looked down. "Matthew, are you alright?" She called, concerned.

"I told you." His hands were shaking but Estelle noticed. "New boots."

Estelle began climbing. At the top, James had reached the window and kicked it in, collapsing it all inward. He went inside and was followed by the rest. Estelle helped Matthew in, choosing not to confront him about his shaking hands right now.

The flat was dim and smelt like rotting waste. The brown wallpaper was smeared with grease, and pictures torn from magazines were stuck to the walls. There was not much light, but Estelle made out an old sofa and a stained Turkish rug. A bookshelf was lined with shabby-looking tomes. "I think Ragnor was right. There's a real concentration on the study of dimensional magic here." James said.

"Please don't bring the books to the Tavern, James." Estelle sighed, taking her sword out and keeping a tight grip on it.

"It would not be the first time your book kleptomania has gotten us in trouble." Matthew added. James lifted his hand innocently and went to look under some of the furniture. Cordelia copied his actions and peeked behind the cheap frame of a small oil painting.

Matthew went to look at some papers on a table and Estelle walked around the room, looking for signs of anything. "Look at these." James frowned, dust in his hair. "I wonder if they're some kind of weapon?"

There were some broken pieces of wood on the floor behind the sofa. "They're awfully dusty." Cordelia said. "As if no one's touched them in ages."

James went to pick one up, but Matthew called him over, holding up a messy sketch from the pile of papers on the desk. "James, look here."

"It's a box. Surrounded by scrawls."

"It's not a box. It's a drawing of a box."

"Thank you, Matthew. There's something familiar about it." James tilted his head to the side.

"Are they runes?" Estelle's eyes widened as she leaned closer to Matthew to see the papers. She ignored him inhaling sharply, focusing on the paper. "They look like our runes!"

"Awfully close." James commented.

Cordelia was knelt down beside the shards of wood. "These do have runes carved into them – our kind of runes – but they also look as if they've been part-eaten by a sort of acid."

James joined her, looking between the sketches and the wood. "And look at those scratches on the wood. It's as if – "

Estelle tuned out as James continued deducing. She turned to Matthew who was running a hand through his hair, his other hand clenched tightly. She placed her own hand on his shoulder, bringing him out of the stupor he was in.

"Matthew."

He looked over at her and hummed in response. "Estelle."

"Don't." She shook her head disapprovingly.

"Don't what?"

"Don't pretend you're alright. I don't know what it is, but you aren't." She whispered, trying not to let the others hear her.

"I'm fine." Matthew assured her.

"No you're not." She raised an eyebrow.

"No. I'm not." He admitted. "Happy?"

"Happy while you're not? Never." Estelle shook her head. "I don't care if you don't want to tell me what happened. But don't pretend you're alright when you're not. I hate when you do that."

"I can't help it. Everyone thinks I drink and mess around because it's fun and I'm shameless. They think I'm rude and don't care about anything."

"I don't. James doesn't. Your friends don't."

"I know. The rest of the world does."

"The rest of the world doesn't matter, Matthew." She assured him. Then, she looked around and noticed someone missing. "We'll continue this conversation later."

He nodded before frowning as she took her Scimitar out and held it in one hand. "Lucie!" Estelle called. James looked over at her alarmed.

"She's gone?"

Estelle nodded. "Lucie!" Then, she noticed one of the doors was closed and went to try and open it. it wouldn't budge. "Lucie!"

James gestured for her to move out of the way and she did, standing beside Cordelia and Matthew. James took a few steps back before running right at the door and knocking it down into the next room. They hurried into the room and lo behold, Lucie was there.

But there was a corpse on the ground. Emmanuel Gast. Lucie and James' eyes were drawn to something and Estelle assumed it was ghost. "What more do you know?" James yelled at what Estelle assumed was the ghost. "Who is controlling the demons now?"

Estelle lifted her Scimitar defensively as there was a pause before Lucie yelled. "Go! Leave us!" Cordelia quickly covered the remains of the warlock with a dirty blanket from the bed. "I have to get outside. I must breathe."

Lucie rushed out of the room and Estelle sheathed her weapon quickly before hurrying after her cousin. She found her sat outside, breathing heavily. Estelle placed her hand on Lucie's shoulder. "Lu, what happened? Are you alright?"

"I'm alright. I've rarely seen a ghost in such – such a condition."

"Lucie!" James called as him and Cordelia and Matthew appeared outside. Cordelia grabbed her parabatai-to-be's hand and James ruffled her hair. Matthew came to stand on Estelle's other side. "Gast did not die easily. Good work, Lucie. I know that can't have been pleasant."

"Did you find anything in the flat after I went into the bedroom?" Lucie asked.

James nodded. "We took a few things – sketches, and Cordelia has the wood shards in her satchel."

"That reminds me." Matthew took the satchel and went to a newsboy he pointed out earlier and offered him the satchel whilst discussing something with him.

"Is Matthew selling my satchel to a newsboy?" Cordelia asked.

"I see we'd better explain the Irregulars to you, lest you think we spend our time leading London's children into depravity and crime."

Matthew returned, his golden hair tousled. "I told Neddy to take the bag to Christopher. It may be that identifying what those shards are will help."

"Kit will be by Thomas' side. This might distract them." Estelle nodded.

"Perhaps. If we can return to the Institute, I would like to write down what Gast said, that I might remember each detail."