Strength

Jade turned sixteen, and my stomach grew even more. I can't hide the fact I'm pregnant, and I can't do much work anymore. I have to quit, and the Johnsons told me that they will help with my labour.

Mrs Johnsons did ask how I get pregnant, probably thinking it's Jade, and we aren't actually siblings but ran away as a couple. She looked anxious. I told her, I got pregnant before I came here, and my husband is away, studying abroad.

I know she didn't believe me. My bluffs are too clear to be seen. But she asked no more.

Either way, I quit. Jade bought us a bed, a supreme single bed. Only I can use it though. Jade now worked three jobs, morning as a newspaper boy, evening at a shoe factory and night at a convenience store.

I felt lonely, scared and drowning, emotionally. I can't sleep. I can't eat, surely I can't do anything to help him find at least a penny.

I'm useless and pathetic.

I'm literally useless. And pathetic.

Most of the time, I will be alone. Except when Jade has an off day. Only half of the day is his day off. Depends actually. Half-day working. That's how his off day went. He has three jobs, remember?

But most of the time. I was stuck inside the small house, by myself, listening to things I don't want to. Day and night. Staring into the ceilings. Crying myself to sleep.

I can't sleep and even if I do, I would have a never-ending nightmare, getting intense day by day.

I stared on the floor and finally snapped out from the deep thought as Khai's kicking. It hurts, but it makes me happy, knowing that the baby is healthy.

Right?

I was happy again. Just like that, I was happy again, as soon as Khai's kicking.

Khai is my source of strength, that will pull me out from loneliness, from agony, from fear, from drowning.

I rubbed my stomach and started humming.

"Khai...Khai...be a good child. Mommy's trying her best, to make you shine…" I sing a made-up song. I called it a Khai song.

I hummed a little more, and Khai kicked back to me, answering me.

-------

I smiled as I remembered the day when I had Khai. I rubbed my flat belly slowly. I glanced at Ayden who was trying so hard to process all of the words I said. He looked buffering. Frowning, and pale.

"You're good? That's not even half of the story." I said, smiling at him, teasing. He shook his head lightly. Staring at me, burning a hole in my head.

"Wait...I'm confused." He said, staring at me deeply. I just stared at him back. He looked so confused, I could see the rage in his eyes, he looked sad too. It's not even that sad.

"Where's Khai? I mean...if you.." he stammered.

"He died," I said. "I killed him."

He looked even more confused. Frowning deeply. I smiled faintly.

"I shouldn't have said that huh. It sounds a bit...crazy."I said, scratching my brow. "I gave birth to him, safely. On August 4th. I never knew that the baby was a boy. An angle. He had blonde hair, green eyes, a small nose, and thin lips. He has long lashes, too long, I thought he was a girl. Jade said he looked exactly like me, except his eyes. I told him, I don't care, either way, it's beautiful. He was so small...I think his hands is this big!" I raised up my hands, making a small circle to show him how small is Khai's hands were. I let out chuckles because I still think it was the cutest thing I ever had. He chuckles too, grabbing both of my hands as he kissed them softly.

"He so small, I felt overwhelmed! I was like, I gave birth to this small alien? Huh?" I laughed, and he smiles. The soft smiles, but I could see his eyes a little glimmering with tears. "When I gave birth to him, my water broke at home. My neighbour, the host, was the one who found me. He said he heard a loud thud and a crying sound. I was crying because I was confused and it's painful. He run into my house, and panicking as he carried me to the hospital. Jade came right after a few minutes later, I delivered the baby, vaginal delivery. It was so painful. I thought I might die."

"He is so beautiful...and so healthy, despite the fact that I can't give him what he wants. Jade cried. He is always a cry baby. We named him Khai Ivyes, but it sounds a bit weird, right? After a few days of staying at the hospital, we went back home. Jade decides to quit his job as a newspaper boy and convenience store. He works full time at the shoe factory, nine to five shift, so he can take care of me and Khai."

He smiles faintly as he listens to my woeful tale. He pushed my hair, tucking them behind my ears.

"I think it's three months later, Jade's started to work three jobs again. It's just me and Khai at home. It was the rainy season. It's cold. We don't have a heater at home. And Khai has a high fever. I don't know how high, because we don't have the thermometer. I thought...it was just a fever. So I wet a towel and put on his forehead, trying to cool down the fever, at least until Jade's back."

"I didn't know, I'm lacking knowledge. I fell asleep while taking care of him. And when I woke up, he wasn't breathing." I said. My chest started to hurts. "I didn't know what to do, so I went to my neighbour's house. And we went to the hospital early in the morning. I told my neighbour to call Jade, of course, we don't have a phone yet. So my neighbour, Han, the host, went to the convenience store where Jade's work. I was alone."

"And the doctor said, it's too late already. They couldn't save my baby. And I wondering, if I took him to the hospital earlier, he would be here, running around. He is probably the best son I ever had. My treasure. But I was dumb. I killed him." I laughed. Which made Ayden frown deeper. He will get wrinkles soon.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked, harshly. "It's not your fault!"

"Because it hurts," I said. Smiling like a fool. "It hurts so bad to remember, I can't even remember his face anymore. I can't feel him. I don't have a photo of him. I forgot about him for so long, and now that I'm telling you, I finally remember how beautiful he is. How warm he is, how small he is. He's my angel. Beautiful angle. My soul. And I miss him. But I forget about him. I laughed because of that. I'm a loser, apathetic and horrible mom."

He struggled to find the words, I could see it.

"I lost everything that day, so what's the point of living? I lost my strength. One and only strength. So I hang myself again on the fan, Jade found me hanging again, he always shows up at the wrong time." I laughed harder.

"Maddison!" He tried to stop me from laughing, but I continued.

"Jade took off the ceiling fan, in case I will hang myself again when he's not around. He broke our piggy bank to instal an AC. He encouraged me to work again, I started to search around for a job. Maybe he's right, is what I thought at the time. I need to distract myself from misery. I found one, as a cook. I don't even know how to cook. But I tried."

"Little did I know, I stopped hearing things, I missed Khai so much, and nothing has been good since then. I don't have a baby to kick my stomach to snap me out from deep thought. I don't have a small body to hug and kiss anymore, I didn't listen to small giggles, or crying sounds anymore. I don't have anything to hear. I lost interest in listening. And one day, I was harassed by one of the workers. I fought back. And what I got was I was fired. From work. When Jade knew, he was upset. He was crazy mad, why didn't I tell him. How can I? He was working days and nights. We have the second fight that night. So I worked at one restaurant. Italian restaurant, as a chef. Everything was fine. Until one day, I got sexually harassed again. My coworker. I didn't do anything. Because I might lose the job. And because of that, the male workers think I'm easy and keep harassing me. I almost got raped again, I was lucky. I had my period that day, and they were disgusted by that."

I laughed. "I quitted after that. I went to work at the Johnsons again. At the bakery. They were so happy. I'm happy too. And I forgot a little bit, the pain. I felt alive again. And when I went back home, Jade brought a girl home. We were seventeen. Diana. That's how I first met her. She's nice. She helped us a lot in buying furniture. I noticed that she had feelings for Jade and I could see Jade had feelings for her too. I was so happy at the thought that they might be together. Diana told me that Jade has the potential to work with something else. But it required him to move around. The salary was quite tempting, so I told him to go and get it. He doesn't need to work three jobs a day anymore. He refused. And Diana went to study in London. And he stopped working three jobs a day, he only worked at the shoe factory, full time. And I quit working with the Johnsons and work at another restaurant instead. The one that paid more. Money is everything at that time."

"Three years passed, and we reached our twenty. Jade asked if he should work with Diana since she keep offering him a job opportunity, short long story, he accepted the offer and moved out. I told him I'll be okay, I always did. It's not the first time he left me. He always did before so him moving out, it's not a big deal."

"That wasn't the case?" he asked. Caressing my cheek with his thumb softly.

"Hm… I miss Khai. That time. I can't fall asleep. Every time I close my eyes, hoping that I would see him in my sleep, he doesn't show up. I missed him so much, I just hope that I dreamt about him, once. But none of them about him. None. All of them, nightmares. Nightmare. Nightmare. I'm tired. Waking up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. I was dying. Half of my heart was dying. I work, eat, sleep if I could sleep. If I can't, I just stay all night, go to work, eat, and repeat that cycle. Eventually, I lost my appetite for eating. I miss my angel. I miss my dad, I miss my mom, I miss Jade. But I miss my treasure more than anyone else. He's gone."

"I think the wounds inside my heart are getting deeper. Bleeding nonstop." I raised my right hand and showed him the wrist. "Third attempt. I miss my baby so much."

He grabbed my right hand and rubbed the scar slowly.

"I slept for so long, wishing that I would see my baby. But nothing. At all. Not even a dream. Not even the one night. Not even a shadow. When I woke up, I was at the hospital, and the first person I saw was the nurse. I'm alive. And god knows how tired I am. I am unable to hear sounds. More likely unable to focus on the sounds. I don't have anything left to listen to. I was fired from my old job. Too problematic. Jade came back to move in with me. And I haven't gone out for three years. I just have nothing to push me, to keep my life. I wondered why I always have a nightmare, when I only need one small dream, of my baby, to at least boost my strength. But none. I thought Khai hated me. He died because of me."

"You're a teenager, Maddison. A mere child. It's not your fault."

"It is." I defied him. It is my fault. I am old enough to be a mother at that time, I'm old enough to go to the library, read and learn about paternity. It's my fault. My ignorance, I'm too naive. I should know better. It is my fault. "So I tried to cut myself again, but Jade saw me and grabbed my hand and I was struggling, I wasn't in my right mind, accidentally cut him instead. That's why he had similar scars to mine. I wasn't really in the right mind, I thought Jade would put me inside the asylum. But he didn't. He kept encouraging me to keep myself busy. He told me to go see a doctor. I did. I told every single thing and what I get was...another harassment. I told Jade about that and he almost killed that man. But he stopped. We're too broke to get into jail over an assault. Therefore, I work at another Italian restaurant, as a waitress. I was twenty-three. And Henry suddenly shows up. In front of our house. Out of a sudden, in front of my house. Do you he said?"

Ayden just listen without saying anything. I assumed he want to know what the hell that prick told me. So I smiled, fidgeting my fingers, "He told me he want to pick me up, so I better packed my things. I was disgusted and wonder how he find me. I do ask him how the hell did he know where I lived.

I closed my eyes as I remember that day.