Reminisce

It was raining, and no one held an umbrella for me. No one did. No one stays. They just come and help me with the funeral and are gone. No one stays with me, to soothe my agony down. No one was there for me, to say, it's okay to cry. No one was there to tell me that I still have them. I was the only one, stayed in the rain. I could hear the neighbours talking badly about how my dad is an abuser. Indeed. He is. And how my mom ran away with another man. I feel like choking. What does that mean? Who is that other man?

Which other man? I could hear something inside me shattered. Completely shattered.

No! She's not like that.

What do they know? They know nothing. Nothing at all. They don't have any right to talk like they know us. I stared at the tombstone. I can't read. I don't know how to read. But I guess it's daddy's name.

"Why did you leave me, daddy? Who's going to take care of me now?" I asked. No one answered. I bite my lips, sitting in front of the grave, on the muddle. "They said, mommy ran away with another man, she would never come back to me anymore. If that's true...then...Who will take care of me, daddy?"

No tears fell, but my heartfelt uncomfortably hurt. It's aching, my inner voice is screaming. My throat stung, as if I had swallowed a thousand needles. It hurts. It hurt so bad. I should have cried that time, it would be much better if I cried that time.

"Maddison Iyves?" I looked up, an older woman, wearing something funny. "I'm Sister Judy. I'll take you to your new home. With a new family." she said, smiling.

"Funny. Funny woman." I said, and she laughed. She covered me with an umbrella, letting the rain-soaked her. She crouched down and wiped my face with her hand, it's warm.

"Should we go now? You will catch a cold, darling," she said. And I nodded. I looked at my daddy's grave one more time, gave a hug to a tombstone, and followed the stranger lady. And we ended up riding in a car, she covered me with a towel. Trying to dry me up. And soon after, we ended up at an orphanage.

I shouldn't have followed. I should listen to my mom and dad, 'don't follow any strangers, Maddie. Don't…' but I guess I was hopeless. And no one was there to warn me.

And when we arrived, it was a big house that looked like a church, but only the design, since the church was a few feet away from the main house, and a red barn a few more steps. It has a huge field, look lovely. At least to me. And I got a room, shared with eleven more girls. I don't know their ages and I don't care about any of them. I got my bed and my bag.

I slept and I have had a nightmare since then. But nobody cares, not even the girls. Not even the caretakers. Not even the sisters.

I should know there's something wrong here since then but again, I'm hopeless. Too naive to see how the world working.

On every Saturday and Sunday, all of the orphans will go to the church, praying. I pray for my mom to come to pick me up. I asked the caretakers every day, but they said they couldn't contact her. But I won't give up, so I keep going to church every day. The father doted on me so much, because I kept going there. Back and forth every day. When everyone is playing around, I rather go to the church, to pray, or to the library, to learn how to read.

I asked my father to teach me how to read. It took me three weeks to learn how to read. They called me a fast learner, I called myself hard working. And I am finally able to read.

But I couldn't bear to read my dad's last letter. He keeps haunting me in my dream. It would be better if he visits nicely or stops showing up completely.

And my routine would be, sleep, eat, praying, reading, doing chores, and repeating the cycles every day.

Sometimes I will read the book that I borrowed under the apple tree, waiting for my mom to pick me up. When I asked my sisters or caretaker, they still couldn't reach my mother. Of course, I don't know her number either. But I won't give up.

She probably heard about daddy, right. She will come to pick me.

Days and nights go by, I keep waiting for her. Warm-season to cool season. She hasn't come yet.

She will come.

She will come.

She will come.

She will come.

She didn't come.

No, she will come soon.

She will...she will…

She doesn't. She forgot about me. I'm just a past that she doesn't want to remember.

She won't come.

At the age of thirteen, I stopped hoping for her to come. I don't even need her anymore. I will just continue living here until I can move out from being orphaned. Or maybe someone will adopt me soon. Who knows.

But then again, whenever people try to adopt me, I refuse. Fear of getting abused is traumatising for me. I kept telling the father and he told the caretaker to exclude me from the adoption list. He did.

Slowly, my rooms were empty and fill with new kids, younger. Cutes. Pure and innocent. I was the oldest in my room, so I was the one who took care of all of them. I bring them to the church, read them a story, take them out and play in the field while I read my book.

And then we need to do chores. Today, our room needs to do some laundry, but what can five, six, seven years old children do. I mean, Tanya and Laila have helped me since they were seven and the others help us too, but I rather let them play since they deserve to play.

"Maddie?" Tanya called for me, and I looked at her with a smile. "I have something to…"

"Don't run, you will fall," I said, and Joshua, a five years old boy, who is not my roommate but he is so cute and he keeps following me around, falls. He bumps into another boy which makes him fall too. Haha! I told you.

He started to cry and I ran to him, leaving the laundry to Tanya and Laila. The other kids started to gather around them.

"Are you okay, Joshua?" He quickly ran into my arms and cried harder. I glanced at the other boy who already stood up. He's taller so he's older, right? But I had never seen him before.

"We're so sorry. Come on, everyone, Joshua, say sorry."

He looked down at us, and smirked, and left. Okay… okay...I glanced at Joshua's knees. Scrap.

"Okay big boy, let's treat this okay. Stop crying."

"Joshua is a baby!" one of the girls shouted. And laughed. I just smiled. How come she said that when she's also a baby?

"Your baby too! Come on, let's go now, Joshua. Girls, help Tanya and Laila okay. Tanya, Laila, I will keep going."

"Okay, sister! We got this!"

"Can we talk later, Maddie?" Tanya asked, and I nodded.

"I'm sorry, Tanya."

And thus, I carry Joshua to the infirmary. He clung onto me and sobbing, so I patted him softly. And as soon as we entered the infirmary, we met that guy again, looking for something. He glanced at us and ignore us again.

"Sister," Joshua whined and I put him down on the chair.

"Hold on okay, big boy. We will be okay. Don't cry." I said and grabbed antiseptic and some band-aids for him. "Close your eyes." And Joshua closed his eyes.

Cute!

I applied to the antiseptic and he cried even more. I quickly applied a bandaid and asked him to open his eyes. He opened them and cried again. Saying that it's hurt, holding his head with his tiny hands.

"I will blow your pain away, okay? Ready?" He nodded, clamping his hands together, and I blew both of his knees. "Feeling better?"

"Hm!" he hummed, wiping his eyes roughly. I pinched his nose with my sleeves and asked him to blow his nose.

"Do it for me too, I'm hurt too." I looked next to me, that guy that Joshua bumped, stretching his hand in front of me. It was just a scratch though, but I couldn't say any word and just applied the antiseptic on his hand, and put on a bandaid.

My attention is back to Joshua, lift him and ready to leave.

"You didn't blow it," he said. I glanced at him with a frown. "You said it won't hurt if you blow it."

What in the world?

"Sister, blow!" Joshua said. "Pain will go away!" he said, cheerfully. Oh boy, Joshua. I slowly step closer to him and blow his hand. What a baby. He was older, this was nothing at all.

"Better?" I asked. Monotone. He smirked and nodded.

"Thanks."

And I immediately left. That was the first and the last time I saw that boy. And I never saw him again.

Soon later, Joshua was adopted, he cried so hard, and Tanya and Laila too. Tanya left without being able to say what she wanted. She does look restless. But she left. And the other girls slowly adopted. And the room filled with other new children again.

And I still don't want to get adopted. No matter how many times Sister Judy persuades me. Telling me that it will be fine. I don't want it. I don't need it. I will be fine.

I sat under the apple tree again today, my favourite spot to read, eyeing my roommates and other children running around the field, playing tag. I glanced at my father's last letter, thinking if I should read it or not. And of course, I couldn't read it. He kept showing up in my dream, hanging, so how could I read it? I'm scared.

"Hey, ugly!" I looked up and saw the chubby boy in front of me. Who? Isn't this the one who got bullied by other boys? What is his name again?

"Henry called for you," he said, looking anxious. And who the hell is Henry?

"Why?" I asked. He shrugged and pointed to the barn. There was a group of boys there, talking and laughing.

"I don't know but he called for you." I slowly stood up and dust off my dress and followed him. He looked anxious though. Did he get bullied again?

Maybe I should talk about this to my father.

"Hen-Henry, she's here," he said, to the group. He even stuttered which made the other boys laugh. Except for one boy, who was staring at me.

"What's your name?" he asked. He looked familiar...who is he again?

"Maddie, her name is Maddie." the chubby boy interrupted.

"Ah, your name is Maddie? How old are you?" he asked again.

"She is thirteen." The chubby boy replied on my behalf.

He glanced at the chubby boy and nodded. "Go ahead guys, I have something to do."

"Ah, okay. You'll come again tomorrow?" one of the boys asked.

"Probably? Who knows. You can go too, Jade." The boys started to walk away and the chubby boy, Jade walked away too, hesitantly. He looked at me one more time and I just sent him a wave.

"Hey, Maddie. Can you help me with something?" he asked. Why me though? You've been hanging out with boys just now and you asked a girl to help you?

What are you? A wimp?

"Come on." he entered the barn and I hesitantly followed him inside. He went to the tack room and started searching for something. "Help me find my mp3. I dropped them here, so find them for me."

He looked around the boxes, and I slowly looked into the other side. Why would he drop his mp3 here though? And why me?

My shoulder was suddenly yanked by him and he pushed me down, and I bumped my head on the floor, hard. What the…

I was about to curse him, but my words completely stuck when he ripped my dress off me. Cold. I feel cold. My whole body was shivering and I don't know what's going on.

"It's going to be okay, it's going to be good."

I'm scared and I punched him in the face and silence fell upon us. He laughed. Maniacally. Rubbing his chin. I dragged my body to the door, I can't walk. I can't !! Help me! Help me!

And he started to drag my legs back to him.

I tried to scream. But no sounds escape from me. Except crying.