Chapter 18

"Cheers, ladies and gentlemen," a single ceramic mug was held up towards the ceiling, "to a successful Festival."

"Cheers!" They all tapped their champagne glasses to the thick ceramic mug, not one of them feeling surprised that Ozpin would bring coffee to a celebration. Even Oobleck had foregone his usual caffeine to join in the merry-making. Though to be fair, Jaune had seen him power-sipping his thermos outside, as though to prepare himself for the abstinence.

"And cheers to my boy!" Peter laughed as he slapped Jaune on the back, rocking him in his seat, but not sending him flying like it might once have. A sign of his growth as a Hunter perhaps? Or maybe just that Peter thought it might be poor manners to disturb another man's drink. "You really sorted the mighty Schnee out with that play!"

"Cheers!" Glynda agreed, the grin on her face just the wrong side of vicious. She hadn't been able to stop smiling ever since he explained how he just abandoned Winter in the middle of a restaurant. And that had been over twenty-four hours ago.

He'd seen some of the students look ready to break out crying at the sight of it. A smiling Glynda Goodwitch was just unnatural.

"Absolutely Jaune," Oobleck nodded, "I can't even begin to understand how you managed to secure such a favourable deal for Beacon – you must tell us; leverage, bribery, contacts?"

"The last one," Jaune answered honestly, "a friend from old times, she had a bit of a word with the management on my behalf. I suppose it's true what they say – it's not about what you know, but about who you know."

"Hm," the Headmaster hummed over the rim of his mug, "well – payment has been arranged and the first delivery arrived this morning, so far everything looks good. It's almost enough to make me imagine this year's festival will go without incident."

It must have been some kind of in-joke, because the four older teachers burst into laughter, though Ozpin's was more a slow shake of his shoulders.

"You… don't think it will?"

"Ah, I forgot you haven't seen one before have you?" Bart answered for the Headmaster, topping up their glasses as he smiled. "Rest assured there's unlikely to be any kind of foul play at the Festival, but where Hunters and civilians mix there's always the potential for something to go wrong."

"Potential he says," Peter snorted, "last year it was held in Mantle, at Atlas – I went down as a representative from Beacon and trust me, you've never seen General Ironwood look so stressed. He had guards stationed all around the stands and even then bullets, grenades and semblances nearly killed the crowd a hundred times over."

"There's powerful shields around the ring," Glynda leaned over and placed a hand on his arm to get his attention, "they help to block out most attacks and offer safety – but if anyone was capable of making an invincible shield? Well then, the Grimm would be a danger of the past." She paused to take another drink of her champagne, nodding as Peter filled it back up for her. "Effectively you have around fifty thousand people with no aura, sat watching hormonal teenagers capable of mass destruction fight an all-out melee."

"And by civilians," Peter guffawed, "she might as well mean lemmings. Last year I saw someone deflect a grenade towards the crowd – and the bloody idiots looked like they were trying to catch it. Luckily one of those Atlas robots did, right before it suffered for the noble act."

"You're kidding," Jaune laughed as he looked at each of them, his confidence dwindling, "right?"

"A little exaggeration perhaps," Ozpin shrugged, "but the pressure is accurate, though you needn't worry Mr Arc. As a junior member of staff I have a much easier task prepared for you. In fact, since the dear General offered to take over security, I might just leave crowd safety to him."

For a brief moment Jaune considered pointing out that this was probably the exact reason why Ironwood and him seemed to butt heads, but decided against it. How was it that Ozpin always managed to look so normal and in-control to the students, and yet like a child to the four of them?

"So what will I be doing then?"

"Why, my boy," Peter reached over and grabbed him round the neck, pushing Jaune's face right into his left man-boob, "you'll be working with me in the main box – we're to be the commentators."

Oh God… Peter's going to do one of his stories to over fifty thousand people…

"I don't know anything about public speaking," Jaune said once he'd managed to force his way free of the suffocating flab.

"That won't be an issue," Ozpin rescued him by offering a fresh drink to Peter – who made the obvious choice between wine and Jaune Arc. "You'll mostly be playing second fiddle to Peter. Just respond when he asks you a direct question, but otherwise let him handle everything. It's what Bart would have been doing, but this frees him up to take on a more important task."

Okay… that didn't sound too difficult. From what he recalled there always seemed to be two different speakers, though one did the majority of the actual talking. At least it would stop Jaune from having to actually get involved between the students or anything. He wasn't sure if there was an in-ring referee, but that sounded like a particularly thankless task.

"Enough of this doom and gloom about the Festival," Glynda surprised him by speaking up, slapping one hand down on the table. "We've a while until then – and besides, the new students are coming tomorrow."

"Rooms have already been prepared," Ozpin raised his mug as though to cheers the fact, and with a shrug of his shoulders Jaune followed suit – taking another drink. It felt like he'd been doing that a lot lately. In fact he'd probably drunk more alcohol in the last week or so than he had in his entire life prior.

His mother must never find out…

"Everyone needs to be at the central plaza at ten for that by the way," the white-haired Headmaster continued, "I'll do one of my speeches – you all just stand there making it clear who the teachers are. Then they'll be assigned to their rooms and receive schedules direct to scrolls."

"Are lessons cancelled for the day?" Jaune asked, getting a quick nod in response. Huh, that would be a break for him then, maybe even a chance to sleep in. It would be nice to have a day where nothing went wrong for a change.

"Cheers to cancelled lessons!" Oobleck chuckled as he held his flute up, the others all adding in and taking a long drink. How ironic to imagine the students all thinking the same. As though their workloads were even a fraction of the staff's. Pah!

"Cheers to Winter Schnee losing out!" Glynda said as she held her glass up. Jaune was half-sure they'd done one to that already, but as the others laughed and held their glasses (and one mug) up, he could only shake his head and rise to his feet.

"Cheers!"

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

"Left."

Jaune stopped with a sigh, the rhythmic pounding of his headache changing from classical to dub step as he shifted the blonde woman leaning on his shoulder.

"Glynda, I don't think it's another left turn."

"Left…"

"We took a left turn for the last eight corridors," he said, "we've been walking in a circle for the last twenty minutes. In fact, we're back outside the staff room."

"Uh?" The woman groaned, one green eye cracking open as she inspected the sign on the door. As though it might actually be her own room in cunning disguise. "This is the staff room." She explained needlessly.

"Yes. Yes it is. Where's your room?"

"This… isn't my room."

"Yes I know that Glynda… I offered to escort you back to your room, do you remember?"

The woman's eyes scrunched closed, her forehead wrinkling as she frowned. The woman's very countenance seemed to calm as her stern and disciplined appearance came back to her. She reached deep inside herself, grasping at that simple untenable fact and drawing it to the surface.

"Jaune!" She gasped, emerald orbs snapping open in clarity, epiphany achieved.

"Yes? What is it?"

"This… this is the staff room."

She slumped back down on his shoulder, eyes closing once more – as though exhausted by the effort of finding those words. Jaune questioned why he'd offered to escort the woman back to her room, apart from the whole gentlemanly thing – and the worry that she might hurt herself. And the niggling suspicion that if it had been him in the same situation she'd have gone above and beyond to see him safe.

Damn conscience, it ruined everything.

Still, if Glynda wasn't up to giving directions, and honestly he wasn't sure why it had taken so long for him to realise that when she was giving directions with her eyes closed... then he had to rely on the other teachers. With a short sigh he pushed open the staffroom door.

"Chug – chug – chug!" Peter chanted, standing topless on a table as he held an industrial-sized kettle over the Headmaster, who was on his knees, his mouth below the spout. Bartholomew was cheering them both on, waving his tie around his head like some kind of bola.

The door closed slowly.

Ah... that was why he'd taken the first chance to walk Glynda to her room.

Now he remembered.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Finally…with a sigh as he pushed open the door to his rooms and staggered inside. Glynda's rooms had been a nightmare to find, but luckily he'd remembered that the faculty's offices were listed on the school scrolls in case of emergency. So he'd taken her there and found that, much like his own, her rooms were an extension to the office itself.

At least she'd been sober enough to put herself to bed, though she'd thanked him for being such a gentleman and asked him if he wanted to come in for some coffee.

He'd have taken her up on the offer, except that coffee brought up painful images of Peter undressed – plus caffeine didn't sound like the best idea when he needed to sleep.

The red alarm clock on his bedside flashed 00:57, and it took him a few drunken moments to figure out what zero o'clock actually was. It wasn't until he'd managed to wrap his mind around that inscrutable fact. That he finally noticed the girl sat cross-legged on his bed - frowning at him.

"Hi," Jaune waved to Neo, who didn't return the gesture. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel embarrassed, but he couldn't help but make the comparison between himself and a husband trying to explain to his wife why he'd spent their anniversary night out with the lads. "It wasn't my idea?"

One eyebrow rose at his excuse, but the girl climbed to her feet regardless, uncharacteristically towering over him as she stood atop his mattress. She held something out to him.

"Huh?" He looked down at Crocea Mors, wondering why she'd given him his weapon before his eyes widened. "Oh no, Neo, not training – not tonight." Not when he still felt like his stomach could empty itself at any moment.

The evil witch nodded happily, hopping down from the bed and walking lazily towards him. Professor Jaune Arc readily cowered away from the tiny girl, one arm covering his face – the other his crotch.

Instead she grabbed him by the collar, and with a sickening lurch – the world changed.

Teleportation with Neo was difficult at the best of times. A disorienting sensation that left him feeling confused and nauseous in equal measure. Add in the copious amounts of alcohol he'd consumed, not to mention his lack of sleep – and he could perhaps be forgiven (though he knew Neo wouldn't agree) for throwing up on her the moment they landed.

Luckily for her, and probably for him considering her likely reaction, the girl managed to spot the danger in time – diving aside as his dinner sped towards her.

His knees hit the soft ground a moment later, hands joining them as he messily emptied his stomach onto the grass. Neo stood nearby, a disgusted grimace on her face as she kept a respectable distance.

"Okay…" he panted once he was done, staggering to his feet and rubbing a sleeve over his mouth. "Where are we? And why?"

The question was equal parts for Neo, and for himself – since he knew even if she could talk, that she likely wouldn't give him any real answers. In fact, now that he thought about it, maybe it was best she couldn't talk.

Focus Jaune… Right… soft ground, grass – trees. He was in a forest of some kind. One which was covered in darkness, and yet still stood illuminated by the light from the shattered moon. It also smelled… strangely of vom- oh right… never mind.

"What's the point of us sparring here?" He asked of the empty air where Neo had once stood. "Neo?" He turned back around, expecting her to attack his back. Nothing. "Neo!? Oh Gods…"

He'd been abandoned. In a random forest God's knew where, late at night… was this punishment for the throwing up, or for him leaving the toilet seat up? He only had two scoops of her ice-cream the other night because it was so hot! It had only been two scoops!

Oh wait; there was a scrap of paper on the floor where she'd been. With a nervous chuckle as he rushed over to it, feeling foolish for his earlier assumptions. No doubt she'd left some kind of instructions for him. Bending over he picked up the paper, holding it before his eyes.

A smiley face.

"Son of a-" His words were cut off by a growl behind him, even as he turned to look into the burning red eyes of a large Ursa, it's back covered in spikes. It seemed to stare at him, as though challenging him. There was a moment where neither of them moved, and it felt to him as though the Ursa was daring him to finish his earlier comment. "…Bitch."

Dirt and leaves scattered as it charged.

Shit, he thought to himself, drawing Crocea Mors with a harsh rasp of metal. It's a single Grimm… remember your training, remem- oh wait, I don't have any training, do I?

The beast roared as Jaune stepped to the side, cringing away from the frightening teeth as they ploughed into the ground where he'd once stood. His blue eyes flicked to his ancestral blade as he readied a strike, only for the monster to take advantage of his hesitation – lunging once more.

"Okay… calm down Jaune…" he mumbled to himself as he dodged the strike, before ducking its paw. The creature landed with a crash, spinning on its hind legs as it slashed towards him. The blond's eyes narrowed in concentration as he leaned left and right, letting the claws sail over his shoulder. Even through his inebriated haze, the creature seemed slow and cumbersome. A far-cry from the deadly girl who normally brutalised – sorry – trained him.

Experimentally he lashed out with Crocea Mors, scoring a deep cut into its shoulder, but not doing any real damage. Blood welled from the wound, and the Ursa roared in displeasure – swiping aggressively with both paws, before trying to slam its entire weight down on him as he ducked. The monster hit the ground in a great crash of dust and soil, a bit of it pelting Jaune's face as he skidded back. There was another cut now, above the Grimm's left eye – and the blood was beginning to seep down across it.

"Well I can hit it," he leapt closer to the creature when it charged him next, and he could see its eyes widen as he came within its guard – only to spin and duck beneath its armpit. Its bulk was moving too fast to get the stab into its rib-cage that he wanted, and the second the tip of the blade dug into flesh, the momentum of the creature tore it out once more. Still, it was enough to bring a small grin to Jaune's face, as the creature panted and eyed him warily.

"Oh, now you're less keen eh? Yeah, that's fair."

He was doing it… he was killing a Grimm.

"Come get some!"

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Neo rolled her eyes at the blond's shout, her blade lancing out to pierce one Ursa's windpipe as she vaulted off its chest, corkscrewing mid-air to dodge another's claws as she landed atop a Beowolf's shoulders, slamming a heel down into its eye. She rode the beast as it fell down, daintily stepping off its face as she surveyed the ten or so dying Grimm.

He sure was drawing a lot of them with his shouting… or maybe it was that acrid scent of sick, which still lingered on the air. She shuddered as she imagined that touching her. Of it getting on her clothes… she'd… she'd have had to kill him.

Roman would have understood.

A particularly angry Beowolf turned its head towards the noise the idiot was giving off, and after a moment's thought she let it go. He should have dealt with the Ursa by now, so it was time for a new Grimm.

Roman had said to train him, and hey – there was no better teacher than experience, right?

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Okay, he hadn't meant that quite so literally, he thought to himself as he weaved between the Ursa and Beowolf, who were both lashing out at him. Where the Ursa was slow and powerful, the Beowolf was quick and… well, more annoying than anything else really.

It just kept attacking him whenever he wanted to focus on the Ursa.

Plus he was starting to get tired constantly dodging both their attacks, a slow burn in his muscles as he flicked his head to sweep the sweat from his vision.

Their mindless aggression was a problem too. The Ursa hardly seemed to care for its injuries and they didn't even work together so much as… just both flail at him at different times.

Wait, could that work? If they were truly as mindless as everyone claimed they were, without any real ability to reason or strategise? When the Beowolf next attacked, Jaune dodged into its guard rather than away, ducking his head away from its jaw as it tried to snap at him. So close, the creature's arms were limited in what they could do, the elbows striking him rather than the claws when it tried.

A more intelligent opponent might have realised that, backed up and sought a better position. But the Grimm just continued to snap futilely at him, occasionally buffeting him with light strikes from its biceps.

It wasn't until Jaune heard the pounding behind him that he moved. A quick grin spread across his lips as he kicked the Beowolf in the knee, driving his heel into the joint. The creature yelped and flinched, allowing the blond to dive out of the melee.

Right as the Ursa hit.

Well that reaffirms my desire to never be hit by an Ursa… Jaune winced as droplets of blood and fur rained down around them, his once enemy now an unrecognisable mess of dissolving bone and gristle.

Sometimes it was hard remembering what a Grimm could do to a person, especially when everyone around you had aura. A barrier like that not only protected you from harm, but also kept things relatively clean as well. The same couldn't be said of the poor Beowolf, who'd popped like a ripe grapefruit beneath a mallet.

The Ursa seemed shocked by comparison, looking down at its claws as though in genuine horror. Though truthfully Jaune imagined it was more confusion, the beast unable to figure out what had happened - or whether it had struck its true target.

It let out a long wheeze as Crocea Mors pierced through its back, driving into one lung before being withdrawn with a squelch. The cavernous chest heaved a few more times, bulging muscles twitching as though to test whether it still had the energy to fight him. Before, with a single groan, it fell to the grass – silent.

"Well… that's-"

"GROARR!" Another Ursa roared as it appeared from the treeline.

"Seriously?" Jaune sighed, turning to face the two new Ursa.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Neo let out a long breath as the last Ursa fell, tripping over the body of one of its dissolving brethren as it too started to slowly break apart. With a tired sigh she flopped onto the cool grass, laying back and staring up at the sky – the early tendrils of dawn light slowly creeping across the darkness like… like… she wasn't sure. Like a tentacle monster made of light violating the chastity of the starry sky?

She'd never had much use for metaphors.

How long had they been at this? At least five or six hours… not to mention the two hundred or so Grimm she'd had to slaughter her way through. Roman owed her for this. No, Jaune owed her for this – everyone owed her…

"Ne- what are you doing!?" An exhausted voice gasped as a scraggly haircut appeared in her vision. The face it was attached to turned up a second later, blue eyes blazing as he stared down at her.

She waved one hand, accepting his thanks for her training.

"You're just… sat here!? I just had to fight off like ten Ursa… and at least six Beowolves! Meanwhile you're just... sleeping!?"

Ooooh sixteen Grimm! She wanted to say, with sarcasm so thick he'd need the Heimlich maneuver. Instead she raised her middle finger, and made sure he got a good, long look at it.

"You know what, screw it… let's just get back and sleep. That is, if you haven't already gotten enough sleep as it is."

Yes…

She would have to make sure the favours he owed her were bumped up from embarrassing to completely emasculating.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Jaune opened the door to his room with his face. After God knew how many hours with his sword and shield his arms weren't exactly working properly, but the wooden barricade was no match for the way he walked into it. Giving way with a quiet groan.

Neo had vanished to do… whatever it was Neo did, when he didn't have his eye on her. Burn down an orphanage, steal an ice-cream truck, he neither knew not cared at this point. All he cared for was the way the mattress bounced when he collapsed on it – and how the pillow moulded itself to his nose and cheek as he nearly suffocated.

It was glorious…

"Up and at em lad!" The door slammed open as Peter strolled into the room. Right as the clock ticked seven.

Jaune could only whimper and try to hide beneath the sheets.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

"The new students are coming today!" Weiss hissed as she rushed about their room, trying to make sure her outfit was perfect. Yang watched it all with a bleary expression, her form swaying in her bed as she tried to understand what time it was – and why she was experiencing it.

It was a day of cancelled lessons… and the ceremony wasn't until like ten. Why was the soon-to-be-dead girl waking them up at seven?

"Up, UP!"

"I'm up…" Ruby said from her position beneath the sheets, rolling over as she snuggled deeper into her pillow. "I'm u-snghh…"

"You are our leader," the white-haired girl growled as she tipped the mattress, sending Yang's sister tumbling to the ground with a startled yelp. The bundle of blankets and fifteen-year-old Huntress-in-training hit the floor with a muffled thump. "You need to be setting an example for everyone else! These teams from other Kingdoms will judge us based on you, so I want you washed, teeth cleaned and ready for inspection in thirty minutes!"

The small girl fought valiantly with her blankets to try and escape them, before Weiss literally chased her into the bathroom, nodding as the door clicked locked and Ruby turned the shower on. Yang raised one brow at the heiress, daring her to try the same on her.

Weiss wisely looked away, knowing that was a battle she wouldn't win.

"Where's…" Yang yawned as she stretched her arms, "where's Blake anyway?"

"No idea," Weiss shrugged, "but I've sent her a message. Her bed's undisturbed… looks like she spent another night in the library."

Ugh… damn it. There went her good mood. With a muffled sigh the blonde dangled her legs over the end of her bunk, before dropping to the floor below. That would make it, what, two nights in a row? Two nights that Blake had spent working and trying to find information on the White Fang, rather than spend any time with them.

Maybe it was about time she did something about that. Before the girl burned herself out.

"What's got you so worked up about this thing anyway Weiss-cream?" She asked as she collected some clothes for the day. The usual uniform would do, even if there weren't any lessons to be had.

"This is an international event," the other girl explained as she read through her scroll, "I know it may not mean much to everyone else, but this is important practice for what I'll probably need to do in the future. Plus it would be good for us all to have some contacts outside of Beacon. It's not always what you know, it's-"

"Who you know," another yawn, "our uncle tells us enough times."

"Good," the small girl nodded, her finger sliding up and down the screen of her scroll as she went through the morning news. It was a bizarre habit as far as Yang was concerned. But apparently it was important to Weiss that she kept abreast of news across Remnant – so she would spend fifteen minutes at the start of every day visiting news sites.

Sounded like the most boring thing in the world to Yang.

"Anything good going on?" She asked regardless, shuffling about the room like a zombie as she collected her uniform for the day.

"Nothing much," Weiss sighed, "just the usual talk of the Vytal Festival coming up. A few more robberies in town, which I'm sure Blake will be all over. Engagement for Schn-" she broke off, eyes wide.

"Uhh, Weiss?" Yang waved one hand before the girl's face, but the heiress failed to move, still sitting still while staring slack-jawed at her scroll. It wasn't until the blonde tried to pry the device from her fingers and take a look, that the girl startled back to life.

"Give that back," she snapped as she dragged it before her face, frantically scrolling down the details. "It can't be… it just… can't."

"Hello Weiss? Remnant to Ice-Queen?"

"I mean… I would have known? Surely?"

"I've lost you, haven't I?"

"B-but this… that restaurant… that dress..."

"Geez, where's Blake when I need her. She'd have been happy to smack some sense into you."

"Argh, look!" Weiss pushed the scroll into Yang's face, nearly knocking the blonde over as the white screen and black text took up all her vision. With a firm hand she pushed it a little further from her eyes so she could get a decent look.

Engagement for Schnee Heiress?

"Congratulations on your marriage?" Yang tried, only to have the scroll pushed further into her forehead.

"Not me you dolt – read it properly!"

"Then stop grinding it into my flesh," the blonde snatched the scroll from the girl and sat up, looking down at the article. "Prominent Schnee Heiress Winter Schnee, oh hey – you have a sister? Yada yada, seen leaving hotel with unknown male – rented entire hotel to self, ooh kinky. Dinner at the most expensive restaurant in Vale." Yang looked away with a snort. "So your sister got hitched, what's the issue?"

"My sister isn't married!" The girl hissed, clenching her hands into fists and slapping her mattress in protest. "At least… she wasn't, or currently isn't... I think? Anyway, she would have told me if she had gotten an engagement... surely..."

"Then there you go. She's probably just banging the guy."

"Schnee's don't bang!"

"They make sweet, sweet love?"

"Shut up, you! Look, the point is that I was caught off guard… Winter might have met someone; I just… look who it is!"

Yang could only sigh, closing her eyes as the screen once more clinked into her nose. It wasn't until she cracked one lilac eye open, and saw a familiar face staring back at her – that she realised just what the issue was.

"WHAT!?" Yang screeched, grabbing the scroll (and Weiss' arm still attached to it) and pulling them both over to the light of the window. The smaller girl hit the floor and was dragged along, her aura protecting her from the carpet burn – though she still spluttered angrily as carpet fibres were pushed into her mouth.

Yang cared for none of it. Instead only seeing the familiar blonde face of her favourite Professor, who for the record, looked hot in that suit. But the main issue was the woman hanging onto his arm, her elbow locked with his as they descended the steps of some fancy hotel.

"That bitch has my man!"

"That bitch," Weiss' muffled voice spoke into the carpet, "is my sister!"

"Sorry Weiss, that frigid ice-bitch has my man!"

"My sister's man… maybe," the girl pointed out as she pushed herself onto her knees, wiping her lips on one sleeve.

"Unsubstantiated!"

"Long word, I'm impressed."

It was rumours… that was all it was – no way this was true. Such a union would have to be public, and besides wasn't the Prof still with that Neo girl she'd seen in his room? She had nothing against open or casual relationships (not that Yang had any real experience in either), but there was no way someone as public as a Schnee would be up for that!

"Looks like I'll have to up my game," Yang grinned as she looked down at the scroll, and the image contained on it. Prof Jaune made that suit look good, and one date hardly meant marriage. She'd just have to make sure he took her on more than one.

"To what, home wrecker?" Yang scoffed at the words.

"Until I see a ring on that finger he's open game." And he hadn't exactly rebuffed any of her advances, had he? Ignored them on some occasions… but he'd teased back when she'd first met him in the auditorium. "I'll check his hand when we see him at this event!"

And Hell, she looked older than Neo at least! So no way was it an age thing.

"Well, your attempts to sabotage my sister's hypothetical love-life aside, I don't think Ruby should hear about this."

Oh Gods Ruby! If she heard her `secret-crush`, and wasn't there a massive pair of air quotes needed there, was off the market?

"Hear about what?" Said girl asked, standing behind them.

"Nothing!" Weiss shouted unconvincingly, hiding the scroll behind her back. "Absolutely nothing of interest!"

"Definitely," Yang agreed as she cemented her shoulders with Weiss'. "In fact, so definitely that the nothingness of the interest combines to become beyond even… nothing."

"Right…" Ruby said, looking at them both as though they might have developed some kind of mental illness during her brief shower time. "Shower's free if you want it?"

"No time," Yang shook her head, grabbing her sister by the arm and dragging her towards the door, "there's something real important we need to ascertain!" Just before they reached the door it swung slowly open, an exhausted looking Blake stepping through, amber eyes looking at them before she sighed.

"Sorry guys, I'm really not in the mood f- HRK!"

"Perfect timing Blake!" Yang cheered as she effectively clotheslined the faunus, arm locking around the girl's neck as she dragged both she and Ruby along. "There's investigating to be done!"

Left in the room Weiss could only shake her head, picking up the uniform for Yang so she could get dressed once she realised she'd run out in her nightclothes.

A few minutes, one embarrassing realisation and one Cardin with a black-eye later (though once he woke up he would forever maintain that it was `so fucking worth it), Yang and the rest of Team RWBY were trudging through the bustling halls of the Academy. In the distance they could already make out Bullheads landing, and crowds of students watching the various people come and go. Yang could hazard a guess that most of the people were here less for information gathering, and more for a huge round of "hot or not" with the new students. Gossip would be flying thick and fast tonight.

Normally she'd have been content to join them, except that she had her own things to think about.

Yang couldn't say she was sure about what she felt for the Professor. Not in the same way Ruby could. He'd started as little more than a vague interest, a guy close to her age – good enough to be a teacher. That was impressive, but little else.

Helping her sister out, not getting them in trouble when they did something wrong? Good of him, but she'd thanked him for those times. All they'd really done was made her pay a little more attention to him; just to make sure he wasn't a threat to little Ruby.

Throwing her flirtations back in her face, proving immune to her charms? Yeah, that had definitely been what had gotten her interested at first. It wasn't that he was simply repulsed by her, she figured she'd be able to recognise that. It was more that he was… able to resist her.

Yang loved challenges. Though the jury was still out on whether challenges loved her.

Thing was… for a challenge, there had to be a goal. And back when this had started the goal had been to make him slip up, to show some kind of interest in her. A blush, a stutter – maybe even him staring at her in the wrong kind of way. Then she could have grinned, tweaked his nose and backed off, secure in the knowledge that; once more – she was the one in control.

She wasn't sure when that goal had evolved into a kiss, or how when she got that, the next step would be to get him to take her out on a date. By that point it was no longer playing, was it? Sneaking a blush out of someone wasn't exactly the same as leading them on about how you felt.

If she could even figure out what that was.

And it wouldn't even be something she needed to think about, if it wasn't for that little possibility of a deadline hanging over her head. If the Prof was engaged – then, well… it was too late for her. But she didn't really believe that anyway. But the very suggestion had been enough to shock her into realising his single status wasn't going to last forever.

And neither would hers, hopefully.

Maybe it would be the Prof, maybe it would be someone else. But she wasn't going to squander an opportunity because she wasn't sure about her feelings.

"Looks like I'll have to up my game." She'd only half-meant that at the time… but maybe she should put a bit more thought into it. She'd been teasing him every now and then, leaving little hints and trying to see if she could get him to flirt back with her. But that had just been whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Maybe it actually was time to go on the offensive?

Provided, of course, that he didn't come out today with a ring on his finger… as much as she might have suggested it to rile Weiss up, she wasn't going to open a can of worms like that! Oh yeah, interfere in the marriage of the youngest Hunter Teacher in decades and the Heiress of the SDC?

She knew Weiss had a low opinion of her intelligence, but come on…

"Hey guys," Yang called out to the three members of Team RVNN that stood on the edge of a crowd gathering around the stage. Nora and Pyrrha waved towards them, while their leader Ren simply nodded once in greeting. They were a weird team, but friendly enough – even if most of the time the word team was a bit misleading.

Only ever three of them after all, their final member usually off with her old squad.

"Morning Yang," Pyrrha greeted once the lot of them were stood together, "you here for the speech too?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Hey guys!" A boisterous voice interrupted before they could continue talking. And it wasn't until Blake let out a tired groan that Yang recognised it. Sun Wukong strolled up to them with his friend in tow, neither of them in any uniform. "Oh hey Blake, didn't see you there."

"Bullshit," Yang coughed loudly, getting a small chuckle from Pyrrha and a thumbs-up from Nora.

"Ha, well…" Sun continued valiantly, clearly having heard Yang's words if the rueful blush on his face was any indication, "I was just wondering because we're all staying at Beacon until the Festival, and there's the dance coming up-"

He was cut off before he could continue. But not by Blake, as Yang might have expected. Instead Ruby stood between him and the faunus girl, her arms crossed before her face.

"Sorry Sun," the small girl said as she shook her head, "but Blake's already going with someone."

"She is?" Sun asked uncertainly, even as Blake echoed, "I am?"

"Yeah, she's going with my sister of course!"

Yang couldn't help but wince. Even as a pall of suspicious silence spread out among those nearby, some shuffling as they tried – and utterly failed – to look as though they weren't paying rapt attention.

God damned Beacon rumour mill… was that one still circulating!? Either way, this would be a good opportunity for her to end it. After all, if she was going to put the Professor through his paces then she didn't need that kind of rumour getting in the way.

"Ruby, I've tried to tell you we're not-"

"Comfortable with you shouting it out like that," Blake finished as she appeared at Yang's side, an arm wrapping around her waist. "But yes, we are, sorry Sun."

Yang's hand came up to her forehead, slapping against it before being dragged slowly down her face. Whispers began to shoot through the crowd, even as Blake gave her an apologetic glance.

Damn it Blake…

This was all Professor Jaune's fault, Yang thought to herself as Weiss cackled in the background, somehow it was all his fault.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

This was all Yang's fault, Jaune thought to himself as his vision bounced up and down. He wasn't sure how, and he wasn't sure when – but somehow it was all her fault.

"Rough night?" Ozpin asked as Peter entered the room, Jaune folded over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, bouncing up and down with each step. He gave the Headmaster a baleful look for what had to be the most unnecessary question ever posed. He had bags under his bags, his clothes looked like he'd wrestled a bunch of Grimm – his body looked like he had wrestled a bunch of Grimm.

He had fucking wrestled a bunch of Grimm!

"Somewhat," was his less-than-polite response as Peter deposited him in a nearby chair. The other teachers were arranged with them, secluded in a small office hidden at the back of the auditorium. Peter and Oobleck looked rough, but only in the way men sometimes did when they hadn't had much sleep. Bart had maybe one extra button undone on his collar, and the tie was a little more skewed than normal.

Peter's moustache was a little more… rampant. And his ever-present smile looked strained, the kind of smile a war veteran with PTSD might give while assuring you that everything was alright. It was a smile that spoke of repressed trauma, and of many hours worshipping the toilet God.

Glynda though… oh dear… he wondered if she honestly thought anyone would fail to notice the dark shades she was wearing. As though Glynda Goodwitch normally went around in sunglasses.

Ozpin… looked perfectly fine.

"Something on my face, Mr Arc?" Yeah… a perfectly normal expression, when Jaune felt nothing but exhaustion, migraine and pain.

"How are you not tired from last night?" The last he'd seen the man had been chugging a vat of coffee, he could not have slept through that. Ozpin or not, it simply wasn't possible unless his aura worked like a coal stove that burned coffee!

"Mr Arc, I have not slept since last night," the man answered honestly as he took a loud sip of coffee. "I currently have blood in my caffeine stream. Here," a mug was proffered to Jaune, which he took with caution. "It's not our favourite blend – we call this the Emergency Meeting Coffee - or EMC for short."

"It's good for keeping you awake," Bart chimed in with the sigh of a man battling a migraine larger than any Ursa, "be careful though – it's a little thick."

"A little?" Jaune asked as he held the mug upside down, shaking it to see if anything fell out. The black jelly-like substance remained firmly glued to the porcelain, though it did jiggle.

He spared a glance for Peter, who had pulled out a spoon and was eating it with a pained grimace.

"I think I'll pass this time," he put the… thing – he refused to call it coffee – down on a nearby table. He didn't actually have to do anything, right? He just needed to stand there looking like a teacher while Ozpin did his speech. Then he could go back to his room and collapse.

He figured he deserved a rest after sorting out the dust problem.

Wait, shit, the students that Cinder was sending in! His body jolted as some last surge of energy came to him. What had the favour been again, all of two weeks or so ago? That she would send in some students who claimed to be from the Vacuo Academy – and he had to agree to recognising them.

He'd planned to find some way out of it, some angle he could use to avoid having to do it – but he'd been so distracted by everything else that he'd forgotten!

"Well no use delaying matters," the Headmaster said as he checked the time on his scroll. He took a final bite of his coffee and put the mug down. If he noticed Jaune's sudden bout of nerves then he likely attributed it to standing before all the guests.

The blond could only swallow those concerns and plaster a fake smile on his face as the five of them walked through the door to the stage, bright light shining across his vision as a sea of faces watched them all. It was daunting being before so many people, and for a moment his legs shook – but knowledge that he needed to do no more than stand still gave him the strength necessary to follow after Ozpin, walking past him when he stopped so that Jaune stood with Peter on the Headmaster's right; while Glynda and Bart stood to his left. Arranged like a set of bodyguards protecting a VIP at a press conference.

From what he could see of the crowd, it was clear that the students hadn't yet had a chance to mingle and interact. In fact, the four schools were clearly defined - standing alone in groups. The dark black and red uniforms of Beacon, a rather similar green and black variation for what he assumed was Haven Academy. Atlas… even if he didn't know they were coming, he would have recognised them. He'd assumed white and grey was a Schnee thing, but it looked like it extended to the entire school as well.

Though what was perhaps more distressing was how they all stood at attention, hands clasped behind their backs and faces blank of emotion. Were these children, or soldiers?

As for Shade, the Academy of Vacuo?

What the Hell…?

They weren't even in uniform. Just a hundred or so teens lounging about, some chatting among themselves as they waited. Others just sat there with bored expressions.

"Welcome, one and all, to Beacon Academy," Ozpin declared, leaning heavily on his cane – even though Jaune could personally attest to seeing the man moving without it whenever he was out of the student's vision. "We are all of us gathered here today for an event that has shaped Remnant and the four kingdoms for many years…"

Jaune let the words wash over him as he inspected the front rows of students, trying to spot any who might have been Cinder's agents. His eyes skimmed past his own students, looking at the ones from Haven. Few stood out to him, their uniforms seeming to merge together into a single vast blob of dark green. A lighter shade caught his eye momentarily; a small tanned girl nudging a silver-haired boy who stood by her – but other than that, they were as unremarkable as any other.

Haven didn't make sense… Cinder had said she wanted to smuggle in her people as a team from the Vacuo Academy for Gifted Youth, which meant they wouldn't be wearing Haven uniforms. Similarly he doubted they'd have had much luck getting into Atlas. Which left the obvious choice really… why even pretend they went anywhere else, when there was a perfectly placed alternative school available in Vacuo?

Shade… that was where Cinder's agents would be. And no doubt they could fit in all the better since there was no determined uniform. In fact, all they'd need to do was show up at the ceremony in whatever clothes they normally wore – and slip in among the Vacuo lot. Forge some documents like he had, and be done with it.

He'd need to keep a close eye on them…

"… and that is the Vytal Festival! Which will allow Hunters from each Kingdom to showcase their skills, challenge themselves – and also earn great glory." The Headmaster continued, apparently having little issue with the hundreds of faces staring at him. "But beyond even that, remember that this is a chance for co-operation. An opportunity for you to learn more about each other, the Hunters of tomorrow – and to strengthen the relationships between us all. We are not Vale, we are not Mantle, Vacuo or Mistral. We are Remnant, and together we now stand."

Jaune nodded, even as the crowd applauded. Four fighting together as one, it was an inspiring dream. The Headmaster truly was a geni- No! Don't be fooled, this is Ozpin we're talking about…

He probably just read it off the back of a fortune cookie or something.

"And with that in mind, we open all services of Beacon to you – from our cafeteria, to our dorms…" the man turned to his right at that moment, even as Jaune's eyes widened. Frantically, he shook his head, trying to be as subtle as he could even past the grimace on his face. Don't do it Ozpin! Don't you dare! "Right through to our own Student Counsellor; Professor Jaune Arc."

Son of a…

"Who will now give a small speech to you all."

… bitch...

The crowd applauded, most of it more polite than anything – though his shell-shocked mind idly noted that some from the Beacon crowd were giving loud cheers and whistles. The microphone was pushed into his left hand, and Ozpin even had to curl Jaune's fingers around it before his brain kicked back in.

Nodding in thanks, and idly plotting the man's murder, Jaune turned to the crowd of students, the microphone held before him.

And said nothing.

Really wish I had a fortune cookie right now.

Oh Gods, they were still looking at him – and it had been a full ten seconds without him actually speaking. Jaune took a quick breath and opened his mouth, trusting that something would come out.

"T-"

"YES!" A voice screamed suddenly, actually making Jaune flinch as the crowd of people jumped. It didn't take long to spot the perpetrator – who was pointing directly at him (or was that his hand?) with a satisfied expression on her face. "SUCK IT!"

To her credit, it only appeared to take the blonde a nanosecond or two to realise what she'd just said, and where – for her face first went white, and then very quickly red. She tried to hide behind Blake, only to find that the faunus had made the wise decision and fled the moment Yang opened her mouth.

"Thank you… Miss Xiao-Long," Jaune said, for want of anything better. The girl shrank in on herself a little as people fought to see who had so thoroughly embarrassed themselves. The moment actually gave him a chance to take a deep breath, the pressure easing now that most of the students were too busy wondering what the hell that had been about.

"The Headmaster raises many good points," Jaune began, hoping the man had raised any points at all, not like he'd been listening to any of it. "Co-operation is key to our continued survival, and this is not only a chance to improve relations, but also to make good and long-lasting friendships."

Repeat pretty much exactly what the Headmaster had already said, switch some of the words around… maybe public speaking wasn't so hard after all?

Except that now he was out of material… he wracked his brain for something to say, anything at all. His eyes flickered over a shock of bright red hair, meeting the green eyes of his first patient, Pyrrha.

"Sometimes it can be difficult to make new friends, sometimes there are differences that are hard to break through. Sometimes, we already feel we have friends – so what would we need of more?" Once more another figure caught his gaze, though he quickly looked away when a dangerous brunette lowered her sunglasses at him, cocking one brow. Okay, maybe too obvious?

Shit, he was running out of little snippets of wisdom… Actually scratch that, he'd run out of wisdom long ago.

"Just remember;" he paused, not for dramatic effect – but more so he could scour his mind for inspiration, anything really, "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. And don't consider this event wasted, even if nothing comes from it. After all, meetings between friends are never wasted."

I'm going straight to Hell…

"Well said Mr Arc," the Headmaster clapped along with the crowd, his cane somehow balancing without any hand on it – and the Headmaster somehow balancing without his cane. Not that Jaune imagined anyone noticed.

"And with that," Ozpin continued as he took the microphone back, leaving Jaune to sigh in relief and step back – legs wobbling. "We would bring this welcome to a close, but for one final message." Here the man turned, holding his arms out to them all. "These are the main Faculty of Beacon Academy, who you can come to if any problems should arise. Their office details, and contact details will have been sent to you all – do not hesitate to seek aid from them should you have any problems."

"Psst," Peter nudged him, a grin on his face, "I put a fake number down."

Irresponsible bastard… why didn't I think of that?

"But I am also pleased to announce that for the duration of the Vytal Tournament we have also been graced with the aid of a Private Teacher, under the employ of Haven, who will be working alongside us – and even contributing to a new set of lessons in Beacon."

Wait, they were getting some help? And why hadn't the Headmaster thought to mention that to any of them? Even Glynda looked surprised, though not displeased. It would be nice to have someone else around who wasn't potentially insane or dangero-

"I introduce to you all, our new Politics and Advanced Dust Professor, Miss Fall."

The crowd applauded once more, politely at first, though certainly a lot louder when she appeared from the opposite side of the stage, stalking her way across the polished wood like a panther. Dark black tights, a short blue skirt that clung to her legs, leading up to a ruffled white shirt with a form-fitting navy blazer over the top.

Jaune felt his heart stop. And unlike most of the men in the crowd, not from his libido.

"Thank you Headmaster Ozpin," the deadly criminal purred, amber eyes smouldering lightly as she glanced towards the frozen blond. "And that was certainly an inspiring speech Jaune, I didn't realise I was such an inspiration to you."

"I-… I-…"

"Ah, you're familiar with Mr Arc then?" The Headmaster seemed pleased with the deduction, as though he had ascertained some niggling doubt.

"Of course," Cinder stepped towards him, lips stretched into a lazy smile. They shone lightly, even as she paused but a foot from him. "We both trained together in Vacuo after all. It's been a long time Jaune." And just like she had numerous times before, one of her silken hands lightly touched his cheek, her head tilting.

"Too long."

And before Jaune could process anything, before he could wonder what had changed – why she was here instead of the team she had mentioned… before he could even think. Her cherry-red lips were upon his.

The crowd gasped, something seemed to snap from nearby – and the Headmaster coughed uncomfortably. Jaune though, could only stare into the flickering depths of the fiery eyes that met his own, even as they narrowed in grim pleasure.

Her searing lips against his, her tongue pushing past his own as his senses dulled. She tasted like red wine and dark chocolate.

And blood.

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

Yang's eyes flashed red at what had happened, even as she glanced away. It didn't mean anything, it was just a kiss, but the way she had the gall to do that on a stage in front of so many people? That pissed her off.

"Uhh… Yang?" A voice piped up from nearby, as Weiss Schnee slipped into her vision, poking her urgently. "Yang!"

"Little busy here Weiss-cream," Yang growled, trying to get her temper under control. "What is it?"

"That!" A small hand settled atop her head, twisting it to the side as Yang's vision swung to look at her little sister. Oh shit… so much for their attempts to keep those baseless rumours of Winter Schnee and Jaune Arc quiet… this was much worse.

Ruby Rose was watching the display with a blank expression, eyes unblinking as her hands curled into tiny fists. She seemed to take a single long breath, before her body relaxed - and for all intents and purposes, it looked like she couldn't care less.

Except that eyes of purest steel were locked on the black-haired woman kissing their Professor.

Yang hoped this Miss Fall had all her affairs in order… because she couldn't remember the last time Ruby had really been angry at someone. Either way... it probably wasn't going to end well.

Something bumped against her back, soft snoring coming from her own partner, who had finally succumbed to exhaustion. Weiss took up residence behind her other shoulder, clearly willing to use the blonde as a human shield should Ruby snap.

This is all Jaune's fault somehow...

~~~~~Professor Arc~~~~~

(Omake: From Coeur Al'Aran)

"Ugh…Hello?"

"Dad? Dad, is that you?"

"Jaune?" The voice on the other end sounded drowsy and uncertain, and little wonder since it was around half-five in the morning. There was a muffled noise through the receiver, like sheets being rustled around, before the man let out a tired sigh. "What's wrong?"

"I need advice!" Jaune whispered into the device, keeping his hand over his mouth so that the slumbering girl in his own bed didn't wake up. One did not simply wake Neo up at five in the morning. Not if you wanted to see six.

"Now? Can't it wait until a little later?" There was a muffled groan from nearby, and Jaune could hear his mother mumbling in complaint. "Oh never mind, you've woken your mother up."

"Hi mum."

"Mrbll…Jnrll…" Juniper Arc replied, in what could have been considered a vague approximation of `Hello Jaune! `

"Uhh, fine…" his father sighed, audibly propping himself up in his bed as he rearranged the scroll by his ear, "what do you need advice on?"

Jaune hesitated, unsure how he was supposed to broach the subject without coming across as an absolute idiot. But the thing was, he already felt like an absolute idiot – and lying about things was what had landed him in this mess in the first place. Maybe it was finally time to be honest?

"I need love advice." He waited for the groans or complaints to come through, but all he could hear was his father's breathing, expectantly waiting. "Ugh… so there are a few girls around here who are really attractive… like really attractive."

"You're in a school for children, right?" His father asked, throwing Jaune momentarily for a loop.

"Yeah," he lied – recalling that his parents thought he was teaching in a normal school for young children. "But there are female teachers and some girls from a nearby college that I know, all above seventeen – I swear."

"Oh, okay then… so what's the issue? You don't know how to ask one out?"

"No, no. It's… how do I explain?"

"Jaune, it's half-five – just say something before I hang up."

"Right… well I've had this other teacher make out with me even though I'm not sure if I really wanted to, then there's this girl who threatened me and says she hates me but grabbed me and stuck her tongue down my throat. There's this blonde who keeps stalking me and terrifying me, she was in my underwear drawer a few weeks ago. And there's a girl who keeps sleeping with me. Help."

There was a long moment of silence from the scroll, and for a moment Jaune was afraid he'd said something wrong.

"Wait, wha-hrkk!" Nicholas' voice was cut off before he could finish the word, and it sounded like he had been knocked aside as something scrabbled against the scroll.

"Hi sweetie!" A saccharine voice cheered, even as Jaune winced. "I couldn't help but hear you say something about grandbabies?"

"I… didn't say anything about that," he laughed nervously, "can you put dad back on the scroll?"

"So about this girl you're sleeping with," she gushed, "is she cute – what colour is her hair, what about her eyes? Is she showing any signs of sickness in the morning? You know what, never mind – I'll come down and meet her!"

"No no no no no!" Jaune's eyes widened as he imagined the horror. "You don't need to do that! I just need male advice, please put dad back on." There was some shuffling as the device was handed back over.

"Okay… so if I get this right," Nicholas began, his voice almost sceptical, "you're sleeping with a girl currently, there are others who have kissed you. One sneaks into your rooms, and you need advice on women?"

"Yes." Jaune nodded, glad to see his father understood.

"I'm not sure you need advice on women."

"Dad, this is serious – I don't know what to do."

"You're sleeping with a girl and don't know what to do?" His voice sounded incredulous. "I've a feeling I'm going to regret this, but what do you currently do when you sleep together?"

"Currently?" Jaune touched his chin in thought as he looked down at the girl wrapped in a cocoon of his own blankets. "Well I try to get some sleep, she steals all the covers and leaves me freezing. Some nights I wake up to find she's kicked me out of bed and she regularly steals my shower in the morning."

"Huh…" the man sounded surprised. "Yeah… that sounds pretty normal. Are you sure you haven't skipped straight to marriage? Ow, ow – Juniper!?" There was a sound of struggle as something seemed to hit his father. "Okay – okay, forget that one then. What about the other teacher who kissed you?"

"She just sort of walked up to me, grabbed me and kissed me – in front of hundreds of people! She didn't even give me a chance to say no, or ask if I wanted it."

He did kind of want it, but still – principles!

"Okay," Nicholas began, the two of them ignoring the sounds of his mother ranting about something or other, "what's she like as a person?"

"Murderous, deadly and scary. She would kill me at the slightest provocation."

"O… kay? What about the other one who kissed you?"

"Deadly, scary and says she hates me. I think she would kill me if she thought she could get away with it."

"Ugh… the one who sneaks into your rooms?"

"Damn it Yang!" Jaune yelled.

"Pardon?"

"Sorry, automatic reflex. She's… mischievous, outspoken and dangerous."

"But not scary at least?"

"Oh sorry, yeah, she's scary too. And she might kill me, sometimes I can't tell."

"Jaune…" there was another long sigh, "isn't there someone there who could maybe help you out? Anyone you could go to for help or advice? I'm not getting much about these girls from how you're describing them. Other than that they all belong in an asylum."

"Well," Jaune considered, "there's Glynda I suppose – she's an older teacher here, I think she's around thirty-two. She's been the one who's helped me out the most settling in and trained me."

"Perfect," Nicholas said, "why don't you see if she'd be willing to help you on the matter?"

"Yeah that sounds good, she can be scary sometimes too. But she has been inviting me up to her room lately."

"Wait, what!?"

"Well, whenever the day is over she usually asks me if I want to come up to her room for a coffee. I suppose next time I could take her up and see if she has any advice."

"Whoah – whoah, wait a mo-"

"That sounds like a lovely idea!" His mother's voice came back through the scroll as there was a masculine cry of pain and what sounded like a body falling out of a bed. "You should always be sociable Jaune, next time she offers make sure you take her up on it!"

"Uhhh… yes mum."

"And always remember to pay attention to what she says, because as an experienced woman she can teach you a lot about being a man!"

"Yes mum." He already knew that, Glynda had taught him enough already and he always paid attention.

"And remember, condoms can make your winky shrivel up and die."

"Mum…" Jaune groaned as he rubbed a hand down his face. Unsure if he was more horrified by the name she gave to his… Or what she had said. "I don't think contraceptives do that…"

"Sweetie," the woman huffed, "when have I ever lied to you?"

Trust the dentist Jaune; it won't hurt for a moment.

Of course she likes you Jaune; you just need to tell her you want to marry her.

Santa is definitely real Jaune.

Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet – so just walk up to them and ask to be friends.

Your father's not on a mission baby, he's… at the shops, yeah.

Of course I remembered your Birthday Jaune! I even… uh… got you this apple!

Eat your broccoli and you'll grow up with big muscles.

Don't worry Jaune; carrots taste better when you're older.

That spider is more scared of you than you are of – oh wait, it's attacking you.

Don't get up or investigate any sounds of banging or moaning in the night Jaune, especially from our room – or the monster will get you.

Ignore that fabulously rich and spoiled kid down the road Jaune, he's just jealous of you!

You shouldn't be afraid of women Jaune, they're not scary!

"Huh…" Jaune said softly, a moment of clarity coming to him.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

"Oh nothing," he shook his head, "I just realised where I inherited most of my problems from. Anyway, I need to get some sleep before work. I'll uh… take what you said into consideration mum."

And then throw it into a fire.

"Oh," he paused as he suddenly recalled something, "and if you read any newspapers can you maybe ignore anything about me being engaged, k – thanks, bye!" Jaune held the scroll away as he heard the high pitched keening squeal of joy coming from his mother. The last thing he heard as he hit the hang-up button was his father's voice.

"Damn it Jau-!"

The scroll clicked shut with a snap, and Jaune nodded in satisfaction - content in his new plan. Now he just needed to get to sleep before- His thoughts were interrupted as a pair of bare feet rested gently on his back, before a moment later his face entered an intimate relationship with the wall near his bed. Back atop the bed Neo snuggled into the blankets with a soft sigh.