CHAPTER 26

HINILOT ni Aegen ang ilalim ng mga mata niya. Nanghahapdi ang mga iyon. He prefers to think it was because of his many sleepless nights rather than because he is being emotional over Hannah. Again. Ilang taon na ang dumaan mula nang mawala ito? Nagpakamatay, to be exact. Because he was unable to save her.

I did try, depensa niya sa sarili. Pero ang hirap maintindihan ni Hannah. Ni hindi nga niya masiguro kung girlfriend ba niya ito o hindi. Pumayag ito na maging sila pero sa kilos nito ay hindi niya sasabihin na nasa isang serious relationship sila. There would be times when she would disappear for days on end without him knowing where she is or what is happening to her. Hindi sa clingy siya. Gusto lang naman niyang malaman kung okay ito. At kapag nagkita na ulit sila ay ayaw nitong direktang sagutin kung saan ito nagpunta. And the worse thing is, she would have welts, bruises and sometimes even oozing wounds on her body. She would freak out when he questioned her about them.

But your effort wasn't good enough. You even gave up on her. Patuloy sa panunumbat ang konsensiya ni Aegen.

I did not give up on her. I just needed some space. Dumating ang punto na pinili niyang makipaghiwalay dito. Pero hindi naman niya ito inabandona. Nanatili silang magkaibigan.

Hindi nga lang niya nahalata na may balak magpakamatay ang dalaga.Hindi tuloy siya nakagawa ng kahit ano para pigilan ito. Doon siya talaga napu-frustrate.

He felt she was trying to tell him something. It was very cryptic. Iyon bang parang may gustong-gusto nang isiwalat si Hannah pero nag-aalangan din ito nang husto. And idiot that he is, he was unable to solve the puzzle. Hanggang ngayon ay clueless pa rin siya kung ano ang tinutukoy nito sa mga salitang manaka-naka ay binibitawan nito.

It was not as if I chose to be this way. I was made this way... Kung minsan nawawala ang choice sa mga kamay natin. Iyon bang parang nahulog tayo sa malalim na tubig at kahit anong gawin natin ay hindi tayo makaahon. So what do we do? We turn into slime...

Marami pa itong ibang sinabi. Sa tuwing uusisain ito ni Aegen kung ano ba ang tinutukoy nito ay tatawa ito saka iibahin ang topic. Until the next time she gets emotional again. Hindi niya ito maintindihan. Pero naisip niya, dapat siguro ay mas nangulit siya. Ang mas nagpapa-guilty sa kanya ay ang katotohanang natatakot siyang mag-usisa. Dahil baka hindi rin naman niya alam kung paano ito tutulungan. So he just helped her in the way he could. Through sex. She became his booty call. Kapag kailangan nito ng sex ay siya ang tumutugon doon. Because he knows that if he let her find somebody else, she might end up getting hurt.

Fuck shit! She still ended up getting hurt. Fatally. Because of him. Because he was leaving her when the point came that he couldn't handle it anymore. He is just a booty call to her but he is in-love with her. He feels he is losing his grief on himself. Nadedesperado siya na napu-frustrate. He needed to get away from her, even for just a while.

You are leaving me after making me fall in love with you? He could still hear the accusation in her voice. He could still clearly see the pain in her eyes when she said those words.

Hindi naman kita iiwan. I just need some space. Nagpaliwanag siya.

Okay, she answered. At sa sumunod na mga araw, inakala ni Aegen na naintindihan naman siya ni Hannah. They acted as the friends they once were. Then suddenly, she was gone.

Hindi makayanan ni Aegen ang bigat ng kaloobang dala ng nabuhay na namang mga alaala. Pakiramdam niya ay nasasakal siya. Napatayo siya. He looked crazily around the room. Malaki ang espasyo pero tingin niya rito ay isang hawla. Nagkukumahog niyang tinakbo ang pinto, marahas na hinila iyon pabukas saka siya nagtatakbo palabas na akala mo ay hihigupin siya ng kung ano para ibalik sa loob.

Tuloy-tuloy siya sa labas. He is running as fast as he could, feeling as if a horrible monster is on his heels. Ni hindi na niya napapansin ang kapaligiran. Basta't ang mahalaga ay matakasan niya ang mga alaala. Napatigil lang siya nang makita ang kawalan na muntik niyang mapuntahan. He discovered he was standing at the edge of a cliff. Sa ibaba niyon ay mga batuhan kung saan nababasag ang naglalakihang mga along humahampas roon.

And the thought entered his mind once more. I could end it right here.