10

I kept on calling Psyche pero hindi siya sumasagot. His last text was earlier this morning saying na magiging busy siya sa araw na 'to and that he'll call me as soon as he can. I called him for the last time, pero ganun pa rin. Ring lang ng ring kaya I texted him saying na he should call me as soon as he read my message.

I also got a text from Isla saying na hindi muna siya sasama sa akin sa pag review. Siguro magkasama sila ni Iñigo ngayon or baka nasa condo niya siya. Hindi ko na rin siya ginambala kasi alam ko tinatadtad niya ang sarili sa pag-aaral.

Bukas na ang finals namin pero eto ako kagagaling lang sa pag-iyak. Kaya naman nag meditate muna ako bago nagsimulang magbasa. I was so engrossed at reading and memorizing na hindi ko na napansin ang oras. Kinatok ako kanina para kumain ng dinner kasama sila lola pero I declined saying na mamaya na ako kasi marami pang kailangang pag-aralan.

At around eleven pm I checked my phone to see if nag reply na ba si Psyche. And he did, tumawag din ng ilang beses pero hindi ko napansin dahil naka silent ang phone ko. I called him right away.

"Babe" I said when he answered.

"Hey I'm sorry if I wasn't able to–"

"I missed you." I cutted him off.

There was a long silence before he sighed.

"Is there a problem?" He asked.

"Wala naman. Miss lang kita." I said.

"You want me to go there?" He asked in a mellow way.

I chuckled. "Oo... pero wag. Alam ko busy ka, marami kang trabaho diyan. And exam week ko din diba. Siguro after nalang?"

"Are you sure? Cause baby I won't hesitate to leave everything behind for you."

I smiled at his sweetness. My Psyche never failed to make me blush. And just like that all my burdens, all my heavy thoughts flew with the wind away from me. He's always my safe haven, always my source of peace.

_____

Tomorrow's the last day of our finals exam. And our exam earlier was a nerve-wrecking kind of exam dahil kahit pala talaga inaral mo lahat, yung akala mo prepared ka meron pa ring mga tanong ang prof mo na mapapa-isip ka nalang, kasali ba 'to? I know in my self that I'm really prepared but what the hell? Paano nakalusot sa akin yung tanong na yun?

Rant ako ng rant habang naglalakad kami ni Isla palabas. Sinabi ko sa kanya lahat ng hirap na dinanas ko sa pag-re'review tapos yun lang yung mga tanong? I mean, sa dami ng ni'review ko yun lang yung lumabas?

"Huy nakikinig ka ba?" I asked her.

Pero seems like she never heard any of my rants. She's a bit bothered by something I know nothing about. Kanina pa 'to siya eh. Ilang beses ding nabangga ng kung sino sino kasi hindi tinitignan ang dinadaanan. She seems like having a big problem. I shaked her a bit.

"Isla ano ba, huy. May problema ka ba?" I asked.

"Huh... ano... wala."

"Are you sure? You seems like you're bothered by something."

"Wala ano ka ba. Medyo sumasakit lang ang ulo ko kaka-aral. P-pero okay lang ako... Uhm pwede bang umuwi nalang muna ako? Gusto ko na kasing magpahinga eh." She said.

"Okay sige, magpahinga ka nalang muna." I said.

She only nodded and walked towards her car. Ako naman maglalakad na sana papuntang cafe when I saw Psyche standing on the other side of the road. He walked towards me. His eyes were piercing towards me while his forehead creases.

"Babe–"

"Let's talk." He said then grabbed my arms papuntang parking lot.

He's not the gentle Psyche I know kasi sobrang lakas ng hatak niya sa akin. What is happening?

"I brought my car with me." I said when we stopped infront of his car.

"Can't you just leave it behind?" He asked.

"No–"

"Fine. Gusto mo lagi ang nasusunod diba." He said then grabbed my arms again as we walked towards my car.

"Get in. Sa condo mo tayo mag-uusap." He said

"Wait, ano bang–"

"I said get in Astherielle. Don't test my patience." He said in an annoyed voice.

He never calls me Astherielle. It was always Rielle, babe or baby. Kaya kahit sobrang naguguluhan na ako ay pumasok na ako sa kotse ko. Saka lang din siya bumalik sa sasakyan niya noong binuhay ko na ang makina.

On our way to my condo naka sunod lang siya sa akin. Hindi siya sumapaw, hindi niya ako iniwan kahit mabagal ang takbo ko. I'm still thinking of how he acted earlier. I really don't understand. Wala naman kaming problema ah, nag-usap pa nga kami kanina bago ako pumuntang campus.

Nauna siyang bumaba sa kotse niya at hinintay ako na makababa na rin. He didn't forced me to follow his pase like earlier, instead sinabayan niya ang normal na lakad ko. Sobrang kinakabahan ako kasi hindi naman siya ganito. Hindi rin niya ako pinapansin kahit nung nasa elevator na kami.

I opened my door and went inside first.

"Sit down." He said and I followed.

He stood up infront of me, behind him is where my flat screen is placed. He looked so angry right now and I can feel him restraining himself to lash out at me. Ano ba kasing nagawa ko? Hindi ko na maintindihan eh.

"Is it true?" He asked.

"Ang alin?"

"Don't make it look like you don't know what I'm talking about." He said, I can feel his anger.

"Ano ba ka–"

"Just answer me damn it!" He said angrily. "Totoo ba?! Totoo bang ginamit mo lang ako para pagbigyan ang hiling ng lola mo?!"

I was shocked at how he said those words furiously. He was fuming mad when he walked back and forth in front of me.

"I was so drained because of how stressful my work is. Kahit pagod ako pumunta pa rin ako dito para makita ka tapos..." He stopped talking breathed heavily. "Tell me, totoo bang ginamit mo lang ako?"

My tears are starting to form in my eyes.

"Psyche, let me explain–"

"So totoo nga..."

"No, sandali... pakinggan mo muna ako–"

"Kaya ba pumayag kang ligawan kita? Kaya ba mabilis mo akong sinagot kasi may iba kang plano? Paano mo... paano mo nagawa sa akin 'to? Paano mo nagawang paglaruan ako?" He said painfully.

Dahan dahan siyang umupo sa sahig. Sinapo niya ang ulo niya saka tumingin uli sa akin. I saw pain in his eyes, pain that was inflicted by the wrong information he got. Unti unti na ring tumulo ang mga luha niya.

"Masaya ba? Nasiyahan ka ba sa paglalaro mo? Were you entertained on how you got me wrapped in your hands? Was it fun looking at how desperate I am to be your man? Ano?! Sumagot ka!

Masaya bang paglaruan ang isang taong walang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin ka ng totoo?! Did you had fun making me feel like you really love me just so you could show your lola that you're capable of loving?! Answer me Astherielle! Masaya ba!"

Sobrang blurry na ng paningin ko. My tears won't stop falling kahit ilang beses ko na silang pinahid. Nasasaktan ako sa mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Nasasaktan ako dahil bakit parang ang dali sa kanyang husgahan ako ng ganito? Pero mas nasasaktan ako kasi kitang kita ko ang sakit sa mga mata niya.

"Why won't you answer? Kasi totoo? Kasi you can't find a good argument to twist everything?

We've been together for eight months. And those eight months were the best months I had my entire life... so imagine the pain I'm feeling right now knowing na palabas lang pala lahat ng yon!

S-sobrang mahal kita eh. Diba... simula noong high school pa. Na kahit iniiwasan mo ako, hinahabol pa rin kita. Na kahit kulang na lang tumakbo ka palayo sa akin, sinusundan pa rin kita. Na kahit nagmumukha na akong tanga okay lang kasi gusto ko makita mo na seryoso ako sa'yo. Ginagawa ko lahat kasi... kasi mahal na mahal kita."

Hindi ko na kaya. I was about to walk towards him when he stopped me.

"No, stay there. Wag mo akong lapitan." He said.

It really pained me looking at how devastated he is right now. Gusto ko siyang lapitan at yakapin pero pinipigilan niya ako.

"Wag kang lumapit sa akin. Kasi alam mo namang marupok ako pagdating sa'yo. Baka isang sorry mo lang tanggapin agad kita..."

"Psyche saan ba nanggaling lahat ng 'to? Sino ang maysabi sa'yo nito? Si mommy ba?" I asked.

He didn't nodded. Yet he also didn't show his disagreement.

"This is the reason why I don't want you to meet her kasi–" He cut me off.

"Bakit? You don't want me to meet your mom because you knew that she'll tell me the truth? Alam mo na she'll tell me your true intentions?" He asked sarcastically.

"No, Psyche please let me explain. Wag mong isara ang isip mo sa mga paliwanag ko." I said.

He stared at me for a minute then chuckled.

"Putang...ina... isang iyak mo lang kaya ko nang kalimutan lahat. Alam mo ito yung problema sa akin eh. Hindi kita kayang tiisin... ang rupok rupok ko pagdating sa'yo.

I always make what you want my priorities. I always make sure to do everything in your bidding. Lahat ng desisyon ko kailangan ko ng approval mo, kailangan ko ng opinyon mo, kailangan kong malaman kung okay lang ba sa'yo. Kasi kung hindi, hindi ko itutuloy kasi natatakot ako na baka pag hindi ko ginawa ang gusto mo... baka iwan mo ako."

"Unang kita ko pa lang sa'yo alam kong magbabago na ang takbo ng buhay ko. Hinahangaan kita kasi ang ganda mo, ang talino mo, ang bait mo, at sobrang buti mong tao. Akala ko dahil lang doon, akala ko hanggang paghanga lang ang nararamdaman ko sa'yo. Pero habang tumatagal, nag-iiba ang gusto ko.

Una gusto ko lang maging malapit sa'yo. Pero hindi ko pala kaya, hindi ko pala kayang maging kaibigan mo lang. Kaya nga noong sinagot mo na ako sobrang saya ko. Sobra sobrang pagmamahal ang meron ako para sa'yo."

He wiped his tears away and inhaled deeply.

"Psyche pakinggan mo ako please–"

"No. Ikaw ang makinig. Kahit ngayon lang ako naman ang pakinggan mo...

Sobrang takot ako na bumalik ng Manila noong sinagot mo na ako. Parati akong hindi napapakali kaka-isip sa'yo. Natatakot akong iwan ka dito kasi... kasi baka makahanap ka ng iba, kasi baka ipagpalit mo ako.

Araw araw kong iniisip kung sino ang mga taong nakaka-usap mo, kung ano ang pinag-usapan niyo, kung may gusto na ba sa iyo yung tao na yun. Nagiging paranoid ako dahil sa'yo. Mommy told me to stop being obsessed with you kasi baka iwan mo ako at matakot ka. Kaya I lie lowed. Kahit gusto kitang kausapin araw araw, kahit gusto kong naka video call tayo oras oras, pinipigilan ko kasi takot akong mawala ka. Takot akong masakal ka. Takot akong iwan mo ako kasi mahal na mahal kita."

"Did I failed to make you feel how much I love you? Did I failed to assure you na ikaw lang at walang iba?" I asked painfully.

"You did. Pero ako yung may problema eh. Kasi ikaw kaya mo naman na wala ako, pero ako hindi. I don't know if I could still go back to my old life without you. I depended my happiness on you, all my choices and decisions always depends on what you want, I made you the center of my world the reason why I'm so afraid of loosing you. Because loosing you means loosing myself too." He said.

I never knew this. Was I too confident that our relationship didn't had its flaws? Was I too inattentive to notice his issues? Bakit ngayon lang niya sinabi ang mga 'to?

"Natatakot na ako para sa sarili ko. Natatakot na ako kasi mahal na mahal kita at baka ang pagmamahal na ito ang dahilan kung bakit iwan mo ako." He said.

I stood up and walked towards him. Pinigilan niya ako pero hindi ako nakinig. Tama na, ang sakit sakit na. I hugged him tightly hoping that it could make him feel better. I don't know what to say so I let my silence talk.

"Tama na mahal ko, ayusin na natin 'to." I said.

"Oo tama na. Tama na muna."

He said as he breakfree from my hugs. He wiped his tears and fixed himself. Tumayo siya at inalalayan akong tumayo din. He stared at me like he's trying to read what's on my mind.

"Tama na muna..." He said.

"W-what do you mean?" I asked. Hindi siya sumagot. "Psyche what do you mean na tama na muna?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Anong ibig niyang sabihin doon? But before I could ask him more, humakbang na siya at naglakad palabas ng condo ko. I was rooted at where I was standing. "Tama na muna" anong ibig sabihin nun!

Tama na muna, wag muna naming pag-usapan?

Tama na muna, ayusin na namin? Or

Tama na muna...

Hindi ko alam! Hindi naman niya siguro ako iiwan ng ganito diba? Oo tama, hindi ganun si Psyche. Baka kailangan lang niyang magpahangin at pag-isipan lahat. Oo... tama.

I walked towards my kitchen and drunk lot's of water. Ang dami kong iniyak ngayon and I needed to drink water to stay hydrated. After, I went towards my living area and make myself comfortable as I called Psyche. Pero hindi siya sumasagot kaya tinext ko nalang siya. I told him that it's okay if we'll talk about it the next time. Kaya ko namang maghintay eh. At may exams pa ako bukas kaya kahit gusto ko siyang hanapin ngayon hindi rin pwede kasi kailangan ko pang mag-aral.

Around nine pm, my phone rung. Akala ko si Psyche, but it turned out the it's from lola.

"Hello, Lola?" I answered.

"Hello? Ma'am Asther! Si Nita ito! Naku ma'am may nangyari kay senyora!"

She was talking too fast the reason why I didn't understand what she's trying to say.

"Manang Nita? Could you talk slowly hindi ko–"

"Ma'am Asther si senyora! Dinala po namin siya dito sa ospital!"

My whole world stopped. No... not my lola.

"Saang ospital?" I asked.

***

:)