Homesickness

After a long, exhausting day of bridal lessons and political intrigue I dreamed of home. The scorching Arizona heat invaded from all sides as I casually strolled down the street my apartment building was on. The smell of sage hung heavy in the air and sweat made my shirt stick to my back. A perfectly normal day.

My apartment came into view and once I opened the door I was greeted with all of my bookshelves filled with paperbacks and DVDs.

When I was abruptly woken by a maid there were tears on my face. Waking up in a cold stone room, albeit a lavishly decorated one, was the last thing I wanted.

As the maid helped dress me in yet another restrictive cage I managed not to sob but the tears wouldn't stop flowing. Why did I have to dream about home? That was the cruelest dream I could have had. Being in this world for more than six months, I had only cried once when Adele reminded me of Abby. Was the stress of trying to fix everything finally getting to me?

Once the maid fixed my hair and tried moving to my makeup she noticed that I had been crying.

"Milady, your face! What's wrong?"

A sob finally worked its way up my throat. "I want to go home!"

"Milady, your family is still in the capital for the fall session of court. It would be easy to invite them to the palace," she reasoned.

"No!"

They couldn't come here and see me in this state. The countess would only scold me. The earl would ignore me as usual and Percy…he wouldn't understand.

"It's not the people, it's the place," I tried to explain.

The maid didn't seem to get it but thankfully let the subject drop as she worked to cover the puffiness.

Unfortunately, makeup can only do so much. Al noticed there was something up with me at breakfast and confronted me afterwards in the library since Madame Chalaise was indisposed and had given me the morning off.

"You have been awfully quiet this morning. Is something wrong?"

My traitorous eyes began watering again because someone bothered showing me concern. If you try to comfort someone who has cried they will only cry more even if it seems like they are done.

His concerned expression was startled right off his face at the sight of my tears and he was at a loss. It was plain to see that Al had zero experience comforting anyone.

"Katie?" he asked nervously.

My name—my real name—was enough to make the dam break completely. I hunched over and sobbed my heart out in a way I hadn't since coming here.

At first it had been fun and games. I had genuinely enjoyed my life as healthy person for a while. Then things kept piling up and now I saw no way out of the situation I'd trapped myself in.

I had no idea what to do and it finally hit me that this was my reality. I was stuck as Catherine du Pont and had to deal with both her problems and mine.

It was too much for me to handle and not one person in this world knew the truth. I had to deal with it all alone.

Al hesitated before gently wrapping his arms around me and pulling me toward him so my face was pressed into his chest. He didn't say anything but when I began sobbing harder he tightened his embrace and leaned down so his face was in my hair. I was too upset to notice when he kissed it.

As I finally started calming down I developed a bad case of the hiccups. Al instantly released me and poured me a cup of water using a nearby pitcher, holding it out wordlessly.

I sniffed and thanked him before downing the whole thing in one gulp.

"Are you feeling better now?" he dared to ask.

"Not really," I said dejectedly.

Crying hadn't fixed anything. The problems were still there and now on top of that I had embarrassed myself in front of Al.

"Um…why were you crying?"

I rubbed my even-more-swollen eyes and tiredly let all of my frustrations out, not bothering to care what he heard. I was done.

"I want to go home. I hate it here! I hate being used, I hate having to outwit people, I hate that nobody means what they say. Most of all I hate these stupid, constricting dresses that make it hurt to breathe or sit or do anything.

"I miss my sister. I miss my LIFE! It was boring and repetitive but I could do whatever I wanted and nobody expected anything of me. Why did it have to be me, huh? I never did anything to anybody! I kept my head down, I paid my bills on time, I was a decent neighbor. And this is what I get?! My life is a joke."

"I…don't understand what you mean."

Of course he didn't. Half of that referred to my frustration in being reborn in this novel after dying so pathetically at such a young age, almost entirely alone in the world. Did anyone other than Abby even miss me?

My unstable emotions turned on him and suddenly all of the annoyance I'd secretly harbored since he announced we were engaged exploded into a fiery rage.

"You! This is your fault! I would've been able to run away already if it wasn't for you! You just had to drag me into your problems so you wouldn't have to be alone. Well, guess what! Nobody cared about my problems when I was alone so why do I have to care about you?"

Who had cared when I was sick and in pain and couldn't afford my copays? Abby was on the other side of the country. She didn't know everything that was going on with me because I didn't want to burden her. Absolutely nobody gave a second of thought to the pathetic problems of Katie Pullman.

At least he had the decency to look guilty. "Katie…I didn't mean…it was never my intention to upset you."

"Well, too bad, because you did," I snapped, feeling a headache brewing. "You're so selfish, Alpheus McLeod!"

I didn't want to deal with him. I didn't want to deal with anything. I was getting out of this cage and going back to bed. I could be indisposed too.

I whirled out the door like an angry tornado of skirts and the second I reached my room I ignored the maids and ripped myself free of the stupid cage on my own. Quickly wiping off the sticky makeup and throwing on my soft nightgown, I told the nearest maid I did not feel well and that no one was to disturb me. I pulled the curtains around my canopy bed and snuggled under the covers, fervently wishing that I had just died in that car accident.