That look in your eyes

"Was it bad?"

"I don't know." I laid my head back on the headrest of Levin's car, staring at the city roll past the window.

He's driving me to the uni on the way to his work.

said he doesn't want me to go alone and won't let me drive on my own.

He had called me yesterday night, asking me if I want him over, uncle must have called him to inform him about me. honestly, I just don't wanted anyone over at my place, he understood and had the decency to stay the night at his place before rushing over to mine at five in the morning, with his work clothes and everything. He didn't wake me, though, took the guest room.

He's the first thing I saw when I woke up, preparing breakfast in the kitchen. He didn't ask me many questions other than ordering that he'll be the one who'll drop me at the uni. Being the Levin Edwards he is didn't leave the room for me to question that, it's not that I'll mind.

He turned to face me when we stopped at the red light, sighing.

"You'll be okay going there?" he asked with his worry-laced voice, resting his left hand over mine which was placed on the armrest of the seat. I gave him a slight smile, but he didn't bother to mirror it, too worried to do so, so instead, he just looked into my eyes, holding the gaze. I was brave enough to turn my head, looking ahead, I heard him sigh again.

" You don't have to worry, I'll be okay." I murmured, still not looking at him. before he could reply to me, we heard the vehicles before us driving off. he remained voiceless as we drive off to my school.

I once again hunched over the seat, taking deep breaths as I kept looking outside. I can understand why Levin is this anxious for me seeing Deik again, 'cause he doesn't want me to have another episode after all that I've gone through. I reached to ruffle his hair, giving him a blinding smile, he stayed still with that poker face of his, must be mad at me. If it's not for a mood like this, he would have murdered me for messing with his neatly done hair.

\\\

I stood there watching him step out of the car, running his fingers through his already ruined hair, looking effortlessly handsome. he walked close to me, still not uttering anything, guess he's not gonna be the one to talk first.

"What's your problem? are you not gonna talk to me?" still nothing, not even looking at me.

I grabbed his face making him look in my eyes, there was a hind of sadness in his eyes, probably upset about me brushing off everything he said.

"Look Lev, I said I'll be okay. 'cause I want me to be okay with this. I locked myself in my fucking house for two fucking years and I'm done, done with being a pitiful man." Levin's eyebrows hunched visibly, lines forming over his forehead by frowning.

"I just don't mean it like that, I don't want you to lock yourself in your home either, but I'm worried. and don't you dare say not to worry." I sniffled a laugh at the last sentence.

"Then worry," I said simply. his glare was sharp enough for me to console him- "You know, I think it's gonna be perfectly fine, perhaps I won't even see him today, 'cause he's not my fucking teacher, he's Philip's so I don't think it's gonna be affect me much."

he glanced at me, "I- what you do when you see him?" he asked, unsure.

"what do you want me to do?" I raised a brow at him. " I don't know?"

I reached out an arm to spank him on his shoulder, laughing-

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna run, crying ugly, it's embarrassing." seriously that's more than embarrassing. even though I expected a laugh from him he didn't. he just looked at me, face neutral.

"I'll be okay," I said giving his shoulder one last squeeze. "You better be, text me when you're done I'll come to get you," he said, patting my shoulder. I stared at him walking to his car, opening the door as I turn to enter the uni.

"And yea, expect Sia there already." He called out.

I turned to face him standing beside his car, hand on the door as he turn his head to look my way.

"I don't mind, your fucking drama made me go late again!" I yelled before rushing in, I heard him chuckle, before the sound of the engine breakthrough.

\\\

"Zian?" I heard a voice calling out for me, it was not loud but delicate, a very familiar one. Face neutral as I looked over my shoulder to meet his gaze. There's a longing in his eyes, for what? for someone who you already abandoned? I waited for him to start again, not moving an inch.

He looked tired, the exact opposite of how he looked yesterday. where has that liveliness of you gone? Is it me the reason? I gave him a tight smile, as if that's what he'd been waiting for, he came closer. only leaving a foot space between the two of us. he's taller than me making me glace up to meet his gaze. Funny, It's still doing things to me.

"I- How, how you doing?" really? how I'm doing?

"Pardon?" He pries his eyes off me, staring at his own feet. "How you doing?" I cackled at that, hilarious. you are not trying to make a fool out of me, are you?

"Do you care? How am I doing? miserable, is that what you wanna hear?" I dragged my words, not taking my eyes off of him.

"What are you talking about?" he whispered, one of his hands going up to support his head in it. I was voiceless, watching him almost having a breakdown before me. there's sound of footsteps coming from behind us. I gaze at him one last time before beginning to walk to my classroom, but a hand on my wrist stopped me from moving any further.

"Inn, I'm sorry," whispered Deik, looking into my glossy eyes.

"It's Zian, professor." bowing slightly, I withdrew myself from the presence of the man, who once I couldn't live without.

\\\

I puffed out a whiff of smoke, leaning against the back wall of my school. Philip stood beside me, a cigarette hung loosely between his middle and forefingers, head thrown back on the wall.

"I knew it when he said his name for the introduction. that I did hear it before but never had ever thought it's gonna be him." He said, taking the cigarette in between his lips, holding it with his teeth before whirling his head sideway to look at me.

"who else thought it was gonna be him? No one."

I murmured. My mind is tricking me by playing the exact image of him looking at me, with that longingness in his eyes, over and over again making me second guess if I could keep this grudge against him. After all, he did make me go through hell and back. I'm not ready yet to take him back and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's ridiculous. And I hate I considered it.

"You know that Elvin guy asked me where'd you go yesterday," He mumbled, a smirk playing on his pretty pink lips.

I chuckled, dropping the cigar butt on the ground before stepping on it.

"Haven't seen him lately, maybe tomorrow, I got Lev to take me home today, you know him, never take no as an answer," I said, a hand ceasing at any possible wrinkles on my shirt,

"Gotta go now, aren't you coming?" I heard him shuffling over to me before I felt a hand on my shoulder.