Experiments and Siblings

Seals were a funny thing, in Joker's mind. He was highly amused by the allegedly Cursed Seals on the Sound Four... Five. That's right. The two-headed guy was actually two people. Twin brothers by the looks of it.

Anyway, the seals were a real piece of work. A storage seal that constantly injected the subject with psychoactive drugs linked to a secondary storage seal that seemed to contain a temporary mutagen. A few chakra storage seals and a pain-causing seal. A seal that increased aggression and another that marked the person as Orochimaru's. And finally, there was an assortment of booby traps in the seal to prevent people from being able to figure the thing out.

Joker cracked his knuckles before getting to work on the fat one's seal.

"Hello Harley-san," greeted the Hokage when the woman entered his office. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, you know those five guards the snake man had?"

"Indeed."

"Can my Clan be responsible for them when we remove the seals?"

The old man massaged his right temple when he heard that. "You're pretty sure you can remove the seals?"

"Yeah, but )Mr. J( is pretty sure they will have brain damage."

"How does he figure that?"

"Well, the fat one seems to have reverted to a child-like state."

The Hokage blinked. "So you've already started removing the seals?"

"Yup. The man thinks Joker is his daddy and that I'm the mommy."

The Hokage chuckled a bit. "Very well. I'll find some way to make it so."

"Good morning, Osore."

The scientist turned to see a grinning blonde teen in a black jumpsuit leaning on a pair of crutches. "Ah. The Uzumaki brat. Tell you father that I thank him for his gift. That Otonin he found in your home seems to be afraid of snakes, ironically enough."

"Injected him with your toxins, eh?"

"A new mix actually," replied the scarecrow-man. At Naruto's forced blank stare, he added a "yes" to his statement. Osore then examined the blonde a little more closely. "Are your legs still broken?"

The young clown nodded. "Odd, isn't it? I usually heal this kind of crap within a day."

Osore shook his head. "What are you doing here? I'm a busy man."

"Obviously," commented Naruto. "Anyway, I volunteered to interrogate my three prisoners. That's why I'm here."

"I certainly do not envy them. Have fun."

The scientist shook his head as the clown hobbled off to Gaara's cell. Since Joker had finally found a productive outlet for his madness, it seemed that he had mellowed out a bit. His son definitely inherited the insanity, but the older Uzumakis were tolerable in Osore's eyes now. He still didn't like them much at all, but he could work with them.

Ibiki walked through one of the hallways of ANBU DTI, finding Harley standing next to a water cooler, taking a drink of the water with a paper cup. The head of the Department of Torture and Interrogation raised his eyebrow at the sight. He didn't know they had a water cooler. Odd.

He walked up to the machine, retrieved a cup from the dispenser, and filled it with cool water.

"So, how are things going, Harley-san?"

"Things are going great! Especially since we'll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in our home again!"

"You're pregnant? No wonder youve been getting so big lately. Congratulations!" He raised his paper cup as if to toast to what he thought was an expecting mother.

Harley's eye twitched in response. "We're adopting."

"Oh crap!" exclaimed Ibiki before he dropped his cup of water and ran.

Harley gave chase with her mallet, promising Ibiki that she was going to leave enough of him around for the Hospital to stitch back together.

Joker grinned. Though Jirobo was brain damaged from his seal's removal forcing his mind to regress to a childlike personality, he seemed to make some progress with Kidomaru. The multi-armed man had also regressed to a childlike state, but his personality was a bit more mature. Jirobo had the mind of an eight-year-old, and Kidomaru that of someone age eleven.

He felt that he finally got the hang of it and could "cure" the remaining three without much brain damage. He couldn't do it to Anko as her seal was but a prototype and not the real deal, but she worked and lived just fine with her seal being intact. Besides, Harley would kill him if he gave her brain damage.

"Were you aware that your father had been murdered?" asked the crazed blonde.

The other blonde, female, shook her head in the negative.

Naruto then looked to Kankuro, who also shook his head. He looked to Gaara, who shook his head and grinned. "Bastard had it coming."

Naruto blinked before grinning. He was starting to like this Gaara kid. He turned to his clipboard and put a check in a box marked "no" for all three prisoners.

The Hokage had called for an emergency Council meeting. Everyone on the civilian and shinobi councils attended.

"What is this emergency?" asked Danzou, having no idea what it was about.

"First of all, I'd like to call to your attention the bloody paperwork that has been piling up on my desk. It seems that many forms keep being sent to me that are so full of legal jargon that it takes me a few hours to decipher even one page. This gets tiring and some of these forms are new laws that subly take powers away from me and give them to you backstabbing bunch of pricks."

Several of the civilians went white-faced at this accusation before screaming out in anger at the implications. Koharu and Homura, the Sandaime's old teammates, also frowned but were smart enough to not call attention to their own guilt by speaking out.

"Outrageous!" declared Danzo, causing the civilians to calm down. "This only shows that you are having a bout of paranoia in your old age! Perhaps you are unfit for the pos-"

"Shh!" hushed the Sandaime, using a stage whisper. "You're scaring the birds!"

Everyone was silent at that, obviously confused. Many wondered if the old man had lost his sanity. Several looked to the windows to see if there were any birds outside.

"What birds?" Danzo whispered back, before screaming in pain.

His chair morphed into a tan-colored mass to engulf him, ripping off his bandaged arm containing many implanted Sharingan while crushing his legs. He continued to scream until a part of that mass covered his face, removing the Sharingan from his eye socket and shoving part of itself down his throat and cutting off his airway.

The civilians cried out in horror as the chair Danzo sat in seemed to devour him.

Despite the ANBU Ne, who appeared at Danzo's scream, trying to get the shape-shifting mass off of their master, they soon discovered that they could only watch as Danzo died a suffocating death, his oxygen-starved brain ceasing to fire any synapses after several minutes. The mass released him several minutes after that, revealing itself to be Domen. The ANBU Ne were dumbfounded - without their master, they had no idea what to do and even if the thought of enacting vengeance against Danzo's murderer crossed their mind, they had no will to carry it out because Danzo had never given them such an order in case it ever happened. The reason for the lack of such an order was probably due to the fact that Danzo thought he was untouchable.

"Operation: Two Birds, Single Stone successful, Hokage-sama," declared Domen.

"Thank you," replied the Hokage. "With him out of the way, I am disbanding the civilian side of the Council. If one of you wants me to approve of something you need to get an appointment just like every other civilian who wasn't on the Council. ANBU! Escort them out!"

Screams and yells of impotent rage as the civilians were dragged out of the chamber could be heard while the Hokage merely sipped his tea. Once they were all gone, Inuzuka Tsume stood up and waited for the Hokage to recognize her and give her the floor. Once he did, she spoke.

"What about us, Hokage-sama?" she asked, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, but failing to do so.

"You're all still on the Council until I get my next 'bout of paranoia' in my old age," retorted the old man, eliciting a few chuckles from some of the Councilmen who realized he was joking. "The biggest naysayers were always Danzo and the civilians. The next three were Uchiha Fugaku and my two former teammates."

Said former teammates felt very nervous.

"What about the courts?" asked Nara Shukaku.

"I can't do anything to them except appoint new judges," stated the Hokage. "I know that there will be outrage amongst the civilian sectors, but they've had this coming for a long time. Now, I'm going to handpick a few aides to help me with paperwork, as only the most important of documents should ever reach my desk."

He took a long drag from his pipe before continuing. "It has come to my attention that Orochimaru's bodyguards are being used for an experiment by Uzumaki Joker. The first one has come out of it with brain damage and thinks he is a child. Apparently, he thinks Joker-san is his father. I am going to call a vote to see which of you approve of releasing them to the Uzumaki Clan to do with as they wish. All in favor?"

Almost everyone had their hands up. Even Hyuuga Hiashi, oddly enough.

"All opposed?"

Only Yamanaka Inoichi raised his hand.

"Present your argument, Inoichi-san."

"I just find it frightening to think of Joker-san and Harley-san having more children. I mean, look how Naruto has turned out!"

"True. He is insane, but we owe our lives to him. Do you think any of us could have stopped the Ichibi Jinchuuriki from leveling Konoha, even if we worked in tandem?"

Inoichi put his hand down. "I see your point."

"Does anyone else have any other business at this time?" When no one spoke or raised their hand or stood up, the Hokage continued. "Meeting adjourned."

"Well, interrogation is over!" declared Naruto, throwing his clipboard into a nearby trashbin. "None of the three of you know anything of value to our intelligence department."

"Sorry we couldn't help you catch the snake," said Gaara. His two siblings were shocked at how much their brother had opened up since his fight with the young clown.

Naruto grinned. "I'll see about getting you three sent back to Suna."

He started to get up, before he thought better of it.

"While I'm here, tell me about yourselves. I've never had a brother or a sister before."

The twins he managed to get so that they weren't so innocent. He got Sakon and Ukon freed from the seal and all it cost them was for them to regress to thirteen years of age. With time, they might recover. Kidomaru had less of a chance of recovering, and Jirobo had none, but he still got them "fixed".

In any case, he just had to work on Tayuya and they'd all be the new minions of the Uzumaki Clan! Er... kids... Something like that. Whatever Harley decided they were.

Yamato was understandably nervous as he approached the door to Quinn Ivy's house (granted by the Hokage when he heard that she wanted a large garden with a greenhouse), a potted plant in one hand. He had found one of the rarer poisonous species of flower that Gimonfu had suggested he bring to impress her.

He knocked on the door and waited. He didn't have to wait long before she opened the door.

"Oh? What does the ANBU Captain want with me?"

He had forgotten to remove his mask! Stupid! Stupid! Stu- Wait... Brilliant!

He showed her the plant.

"Oh, how lovely!"

"It gets better," he said, concentrating on making himself sound confident. "It is a poisonous species that is rather rare. The seedpods that it grows when fertilized contain a deadly toxin that primarily interferes with the bloodstream's ability to carry oxygen."

She almost squealed. "How did you know I'd want something like this!"

He removed his mask, showing her his eyes, which were as dark as pitch. "Common interest."

She began admiring him as she would any other specimen that caught her eye immediately after recognizing him as that ANBU that also used that "Mokuton" bloodline. Certainly, he was a human and not a plant/human hybrid like she was, but her primal animal instincts rose to the fore. She found Yamato to be very attractive now that she thought about it - definitely more handsome than Harvey Dent used to be.

She smiled a small, secretive smile that made Yamato's heart rate increase.

"Won't you come inside?"

"I'd be delighted."

"Wow. And I thought my father was a psychopath."

That was not exactly what the Suna siblings were expecting anyone to say.

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well... you certainly are like cousins to me now that I've beaten on you three and you've lived to tell about it."

Temari and Kankuro were unsure about that logic, but it seemed to make sense to Gaara.

"We're cousins?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure!" exclaimed the young clown. "I kinda understand what you went through growing up. I mean, most kids my age couldn't play with me either. They tended to die too quickly." Temari paled but Kankuro thought he was getting the hang of being near the blonde boy. "And I think you should have something..."

What he pulled out of his jacket was unexpected. Looking back on it though, any of the Suna siblings would say that in hindsight they shouldn't have been surprised. It was a rubber chicken.

"This was my favorite toy," Naruto stated. "It never broke. His name is Steve and I want you to have him, Gaara."

He handed the toy over. The redhead looked at it before picking it up. Its limbs wobbled a bit from the motion. Curious, Gaara pulled on one of the wings, finding that it stretched. When he let go, it snapped back into place, causing the entire chicken to wobble from the vibrations. Gaara smirked, clearly amused.

"Thank you," he said as he put the toy under his arm.

Naruto turned to Kankuro. "I believe an exchange of technology is in order. You tell us about your puppetry and I tell you how to make 'automated puppets' otherwise known as robots."

"Uh... am I sharing this with Konoha or just your family?"

"Just my family."

"Sounds like a deal."

Naruto grinned before turning to his fellow blonde. "Would you like some chakra manipulation training? It's how I move so fast and can change direction suddenly."

"That was chakra manipulation?" she asked.

"Yup. Wind manipulation to accelerate or decelerate myself and alter my momentum."

Temari thought about it for a moment. "I could use it to keep my distance from close-range fighters and speed up the swings of my fan!"

"Now you're cookin' with gas!"

The three Sabaku children stared dumbly at Naruto.

"..."

"..."

"Oh right. That commercial only aired in my parents' home dimension."

"Huh?" muttered Temari.

"Durr..." added Kankuro.

"Does this have something to do with that public television device that Lightning Country came out with a few years ago?" asked Gaara. At the other three's surprised looks he added: "I don't have much else to do at night aside from staring at the night sky..."

The Neko brothers were assigned to give all the former ANBU Ne agents retraining. Particularly in expressing themselves emotionally.

They found that being annoying and playing pranks on them were especially effective at bringing out irritation, confusion, outrage, and, in a rare few cases, laughter. The one known as Sai seemed to have retained his sense of humor, which made some sort of sense when Sai's previous assignment was to report on the activity of the Uzumaki Clan.

"Hey, )Mr. J(!" called Harley sweetly as she entered the room, dragging an unconscious Ibiki behind her by his left foot. "Are the new minions done yet?"

"Yep!" declared Joker as he gestured to the five sleeping forms of Orochimaru's former bodyguards. "They will think that we're their parents though..."

"Naruto always wanted siblings..." mused Harley.

Joker grinned. "He'll be happy then." Glancing at Ibiki, he did a double-take. "Is that a boot-mark on his face?"

"He did keep dodging my mallet," she stated as if she were discussing the weather.

As Naruto led the Suna siblings to his home after some ANBU helped him transport them out of the DTI building (to keep its location hidden), Joker and Harley leapt out of the shadows, sporting grins.

"Mom? Dad?"

"Shinobi of Suna, welcome to Konoha!" declared the Joker.

"Konoha!" repeated Harley.

"... Konoha?" asked a bewildered Temari.

"Konoha," stated Gaara, pointing at the miniature of the Hidden Village that had somehow appeared at their feet.

"... it's only a model," murmured Kankuro.

"Shhh!" hissed Naruto.

"Let us show you around!" suggested Joker.

Suddenly, some music began to play. Looking around, the Genin spotted Tayuya playing her pipe, somehow making more than one instrument sound out of it. The other four former bodyguards jumped out and formed a chorus.

"We're Ninjas of Konoha

"We fight at ev'ry chance we get

"We do routines and chorus scenes

"With a boot to da head!

"We train well here in Konoha

"With ninjutsu and kunai a looot!"

They started to dance in a silly manner, Sakon and Ukon joining into one body as Sakon had more grace and talent for dancing. Jirobo headed the next verse.

"We're Ninjas of Konoha

"We practice our improvi-ARGH!"

Jirobo got smacked in the face on accident by Kidomaru, but quickly recovered as Ukon picked up where he left off.

"But many times we're given rhymes

"That are quite un-sing-a-bol!"

Kidomaru continued singing at this point.

"That's 'cause we had no rehear-saaal

"But we're really quite capa-boooool!"

They went into acrobatic routines at that point. Sakon headed off the final verse.

"In war we're strong and tough

"Quite a diamond in the rough!"

Jirobo's turn to sing apparently came up.

"Between our quests we sequin vests

"And knock the Hyuuga onto their duffs!"

They all sang the next line with the exception of Tayuya.

"It's a funny life in Konoha!"

Tayuya stopped playing and apparently used a sound-altering jutsu to make her voice deep.

"I have to push the pram a loooooooooot!"

They finished their dance routine right there and then, accompanied by Tayuya's pipe. As they finished, they did a maneuver commonly known as "jazz hands".

"On second thought," mused Joker. "Let's show you around our home - the rest of Konoha isn't silly enough."

"Right," agreed Harley.

"Right," agreed Naruto.

"..." said Gaara with a smirk beginning to form.

"... THE HELL!" asked Temari and Kankuro.

Gimonfu was spending his time with the Special Jounin Ebisu, who knew much about the intricacies of chakra control. Gimonfu also found a certain kinship with Konohamaru after giving the oddly violent and bitter boy a Rubix cube. The young Sarutobi stopped berating Gimonfu during Ebisu's lessons as he tried to concentrate on solving it. By the end of the third lesson, he had finally figured out the trick and had matched up all the tiles within minutes.

The young academy student and the brainiac had an understanding at that point, with Konohamaru referring to Gimonfu as "Boss" and got his two friends, Udon and Moegi, to call him that as well. All four of them trained under Ebisu, with all of them able to use the leaf-sticking exercise even while distracted.

Naruto was happy! He had siblings now! And cousins!

"Son," inquired Joker quietly as they walked to their estate. "Did you... uh, give Joseph to Gaara?"

"Dad, that's Steve. Joseph got chewed to bits by Bonnie and Clyde, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."