love +hate = love

Its been an hour since I decide to talk to Aidan . I havent call him yet.I nstead,I keep on biting my nails.It might bleed if I continue nibbling on it. I keep hesitating to call Aidan. I CAN"T! I JUST CAN'T! What is wrong with me?

Okay Gaya enough of this and make a call girl. You got this. You are a strong girl! You knew that! You fearless woman! Your mama didn't give birth to a coward!

I'm hyping myself up as I'm shaking from my nervousnesss. What am I even nervous about? The fact its not one side love anymore? I want to believe it,but at the same time I can't. I have to confirm this with Aidan itself. The only person who have the answers. I can't simply trust other people words. It might get my hopes up for no reason again.I have gone through enough.

I clicked the call button with eyes closed. I heard a voice at the end of the other call. Aidan? Oh god! What's now? I just ask him? Won't that make me impatient? Okay I called the person without planning what to talk so I have to bear the consequences. okay!

"GAya! Are you missing me that much that you are satisfied just by hearing my voice?" Aidan asked me while giggling. This dickhead. HE never changes. My mistake to call him. Should I just hang up?

"I love you Gaya! I want you to be my lover." HE just said it without a hint of hesitation.I felt my heart going to pop out of my chest.

What is wrong with these people.They are just dropping the big news like nothing without letting me speak. Oh GOD! I need time to process too people.

"Ai...Do you know what you are talking about?" That's not the words I planned.

"I love you Gaya more than a friend"

He uttered the exact same words during my confession. The words I was waiting to hear for years. I can't control my tears. I am sure he will hear some sniffles. I don't care. I finally feel I am complete .My love is complete now. IS this right to feel happy? I mean I had gone through a lot for him? He can't just have me by just confessing by a phone call. Its not a proper confession. I deserve more than this "call" confession.

"I swear Gaya,I will not give up even if you choose Jay. I will try all the way exist in this world to get you love me back. I will treat you better..no I will treat you the best. Like a queen. I will not make you cry anymore. I will talk to our parents about us. I don't care if we are not same etniciticy. I don't care..I love you and I need you Gaya.Please say yes to me and no to that jerk."

The hope in his voice was slowly melting my heart. I was crying more now. My emotions was overwhelming.I just hang up the call. I just don't get it..why I'm like this. I thought I had some dignity left. Look at me being emotional for the sugarcoated words that jerk said. He treated me like a wingwomen all these years and now he loves me?

I heard a faint knock. Oh Shoot..its mum I think.I quickly wiped all the tears and slapped my face a bit to stop looking like I was just crying.

The knock got a bit aggressive.I checked myself again in the mirror to make sure I look okay.

"Mom..Why..Aidan?" well the person is in front of me is not my mom but Aidan?

Wait am I finally gone crazy? Am I hallucinating? What?

He didn't give me time to ask questions.He just engulf me into a hug. Every passing second he keeps tightening the hug. I can feel his arms pulling me closer until no room for breathing.Unknowingly My hands traveled to his back and gripped his t-shirt.I can't feel his heart beating like crazy hell. Mine too.

He just casually peck my shoulders moving to neck giving me shivers. What is this situation? I did nothing to stop him. Why stop him if I am enjoying too. I shouldn't do this but I want to. He now slowly kiss my forehead.I should stop him.

I gently push him. He stopped and look at me the eyes. It is impossible to describe it but it show how much he love me.This is hard.His yearning eyes is getting me again.

Oh my!

Gaya wake the hell up! you are not that easy! Remember all the hurtful moments ! Do not give in too soon.

"What are you doing here?" I asked . My cold tone made him surprised. Oh yeah you are gonna act surprised when I'm giving cold cold shoulder after all the things you did! 'WOWWWW!!!!!!! I am so impressed dude!

" I just missed you..I want to see you..I...Goshhh!" he said it in a desperate manner making him look so sexy.It's the sexiest thing he ever done in his whole existece. AHHHH!!! I want to kiss him! Wait my mind going off track again.i should get a grip.This is the perfect timing to confront him.Now that he is standing in front of me..I should clear all my concerns.

"What games are you playing? I couldn't put my finger on it! I just want to know why you acting like you all crazy for me! Why now?!" I raised my voice a little showing my dissatisfaction.

" I am crazy! Crazy in love with you Gaya! I know I have been jerk to you all these years.."

" So you do know! then why?!"

"BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH SINCE THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU! WE WERE DIFFERENT! I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT WE WON'T GO FURTHER THAN BEST FRIENDS BECAUSE OF IT! I REALLY TRIED GAYA TO REPLACE YOU AND LOVE ANOTHER PERSON BUT NO! YOU WERE JUST IN MY MIND WHOLE TIME WHEN I DATED OTHER GIRLS! I CONVINCED MYSELF I SEE YOU AS A FRIEND THIS WHLE TIME BECAUSE I'M CHINESE BUT YOU ARE INDIAN GAYA!"He screamed those words to make me understand why he did all this things.

So let me get this straight . He loved me but he didn't ADMIT IT BECAUSE OF OUR CULTURAL DIFFERENCES! I am not believe his shit anymore. He is a lying bitch...Is he really lying or its the truth?

"I will admit I am still in love with him but do I want to be with him..I don't know.All of this is too sudden that I'm scared. I can't think straight and my mind just blank."

I paused for a second. Trying to process the situation that's I am in.

" Okay what if we are different.I thought love is blind then why you have to hurt me so bad that it's still bleeding.You really thought I would come back to you again like everytime huh? No I finally freed myself from all this delusions and now you love me when I decided to call it quits. Why?! So you hurt and treat the girl you love like shit.Did you know how I felt whenever you kissed other girls.I didn't say anything because I thought you didn't love me. I thought it was one sided so I just kept my mouth shut as a good best friend.Okay so you date other girls just to get over me..WOW!! You did enjoy kissing and playing around girls Ai..so keep your bullshit to yourself. I am not going to feed your man ego with my stupidness again. Just get out..You know what irritates more.... I still f*cking love you." I tried to stabilise my breathing.I refuse to get hurt again. Yes I am still unsure about this whole situation but I am not giving him a chance this easily. I deserve better. If he can't earn me back then I will take it as a sign to move on. I am sure I will love somebody again. I know a oerson truly in love will do anything for their love..I have done that myself.I always done all sort of crazy things just to see him smile.Why can't he do that instead taking an easy way out! I deserve better! Yes I am worthy!

" Gaya please I would do anything! Let's start over! I love you Gaya!" He try to convince me again.

"Then prove it! I won't be giving you a second chance so earn that chance yourself. I can't guarantee you that I will not date other people.I deserve better so try again. You cannot sabotage my relationship because you have nothing to do with my relationship. Remember I am just a girl you chasing and trying hard to her attention.We are strangers once you step out of this room.Bye!"Yes I said it. I am actually proud of myself for standing up.He is a red flag, I was colorblind. This have to change.This is his punishment for being an asshole.I see him slowly leaving my room.Will he take the effort to win me back?!My heart aches so much..was love suppose to be this painful that just drains you out. Why is not like the rom coms movies where yo get a happy ending to your life. All of that are scams.People like me who is so unlucky in love suffers a lot and they don't show that in movies. Reality really hits hard.

I have to stay strong for my own benefit.By doing this,I am giving myself a chance too. A chance to recover from deadly heartbreak .I will come back STRONGER. Why my life have to be so dramatic.Gosh..this sucks...so bad...

I need to meet Jay too as he also confessed.I need to settle once for all I don't need dramas in my life anymore.Its enough as I am tired and fed up to handle it. I hope everything will work out soon. I hope...I really hope..I desperately hope..

Why is my life have to be this messy?

I wanted stop him so bad when he was leaving but all of my work to stand up for myself will go down the drain. I should stop being emotional. I should use my brain to make decisions not with my heart.

I stared at the door. It feels empty and somewhat uncomfortable.

I need to start getting a grip on my life. I should text jay the venue so we could talk. I have decided I am not going to stop jay from pursuing me. I mean He could change me and make me forget of this . I am not using him as a rbound. I am just being out there being available foe everyone to approach me. Jay likes me so he deserve a chance as I am single and trying to move on. Plus he has y parents' blessing too.

I don't know what will Aidan's next step and I am not gonna care aout it too. His choice to make..whether he is giving up on me or keep fighting for me.

I didn't want to overthink. let the fate decide and my heart who am I gonna end up with? I should be fair and square for both of them.

I sighed heavily.

I am ready for tomorrow.