Ch. 15 - Mindset.

I remember back in the years throughout my whole life in middle school, how I was only learning to socialize and excel in my studies even more compare to elementary school, I tried so many ways and approach to people but I ended being a puppet, a joke and a slave to my very toxic classmates.

At first I didn't know what was happening, I thought there only joking and teasing me, cause usually friends just joke around, right?

But when I did realize where I've gone wrong, even when I analyze the current situation I am in. I was in no position to change anything, I was already being exploited, ganged up and played into my classmate's hand. At the time I always value being kind, forgiving, overly generous and obedient, hoping that it would be the same principles that would earn me their trust, friendship and gratitude. But unfortunately the world is dominated by the wicked people.

"There's Akagi!"

"W-what do you want this time?"

I said while forcing a smile.

"Hey, we need to finish this project for tomorrow, can you make it for us?"

"Yes! I can do it!" I said enthusiastically.

"Great! now we also need to borrow your money."

"For what?" I asked.

"Just for computer games, there's no harm in having fun, right?"

Even though I know it is wrong making me do their work and asking me for money to play. I was pretty stupid and being the kind person I believe to be, while being manipulated by their fake companionship and overwhelmed by my own feelings and desire to impress them with my current mindset of always offering a helping hand to others without question.

I did what they ask....

After school even though I have alot of work for my self including my own school projects, I try to prioritize and perfecting their request. The project they requested was a small cardboard design of a country's landmark, so I made them an Eiffel tower. I am under the illusion and belief that they will be very happy with my performance, just like what other people say...

"Always look at the bright side of things."

"Always be kind to other's."

"Think positively and everything will be alright."

So I just forget my own troubles and I can only think about how happy and thankful they would be, I am willing to do anything to please them.

The next day at school, the project was cumbersome to carry, I am trying my best to keep its beauty intact. When I saw them, I enthusiastically rush to them expecting a warm smile and sweet words of gratitude, a sense that I can think of to ease my stress and make it all seem worthwhile. But it was not to be, when I showed them the project they ask me, they look disgusted and they gave it a gaze of malcontent.

"An Effiel tower? you could've just made the N Seoul tower! my goodness..."

The only expression I could make at that time was confusion, I didn't exactly know to get angry or feel hate.

"My friends are all making Korean landmarks, why can't you think more specifically?! Are yous stupid?"

His friend said, I couldn't believe what my ears are hearing. Despite the fact that I made it with clear perfection, they didn't show a single sign of appreciation.

"But its a fine piece of art, what's wrong with it?"

I said while stuttering and with a stinging feeling on my chest.

"What's wrong with it? you failed to land of my expectations! you can't do anything that I want!"

I try not to get angry, and I just thought to myself since they didn't want it, I could just have it and I can put it on display to symbolize my love for my works.

As I began to walk away, She then proceeds to take it off my hands.

"H-hey what are you doing?"

I ask them.

"What are you talking about? you made this for us, you can't have it!"

She said.

"But you didn't even want it and I was the one who made this...."

She let go and started yelling at me.

"ARE YOU REALLY THAT NARROW MINDED TO TAKE BACK WHAT YOU GAVE?!?!"

This left me stunned. She shakily points her finger to me and said.

"You're so useless! I can't even rely on you, what a waste of talent!"

Since I didn't know and I wasn't taught to hate or hold grudges against others, and how I was always aiming to look like a saint to others. It still disgust me to this day.....

After that, whenever I go everyone gives me a spiteful glare, she and her boyfriend spread gossips about me, that I was being rebuke and chastice, just because I didn't subjected myself to them, they want me as a puppet, they are toxic. And I was naive, stupid and too kindhearted that I couldn't bear to hate or make a case for myself. Cause I always thought that retaliation is bad and you should always let things go on its own and it will be okay. I still remember the pain I experienced all those years, it grips my head with immense pressure and the feeling of regret, it still stings in my chest, I wish I could have done better, I wish I wasn't being such a saint. I wish I could...I....wish....I wish I could be more....

*Gasp*

I woke up in my bed profusely sweating and panting. It was all a bad dream, I sit at the side of my bed rubbing my face, its like my past emotions and thoughts are talking to me. I look at my phone and its 5:11 early morning. Its still quite early but I couldn't let myself fal back to sleep just a few minutes before my alarm clock rings. I went on and pack the same things I brought to exercise again, I played some of my favorite music to try and forget about my dream. This time while I was exercising at the park, it suddenly started to rain I packed up my things and jog back home, the rain water soaking my clothes making it heavier was a good addition to my load making me burn more calories, I just hope I dont catch a cold. Its still too early, the restaurant isn't open yet, so I hope to exercise and work out for hours, i've been pretty motivated about it since I started doing it again and for the obvious results. But its raining outside and I can't do anything about it. After a warm shower I sat on the living room and I think of a plan how can I work out at home, I definitely need to do more than the home workout sessions. I check my phone to see what's going to be efficient in body building.

Treadmill for running....

Barbells and weight plates for powerlifting....

Dumbbells for weight lifting....

Man, this cost alot. I think I would only be able to afford the whole set of bodybuilding stuff

by next month's payday. I really am motivated though, if I stop now I will lose my will to continue and I might procrastinate from working out. I need to improvise with what I need right now. But before that, I must have a room to do all my workouts, I walk upstairs and check one of the rooms, there was this one room with an old shelf and alot of boxes of my old things. I remember what exactly I put in it but not all of them, I don't have that much things in my house so I just kinda intentionally didn't arrange all of this and just dump them all in this empty room. Now that I have a need for this room, then its time to tidy it up.

Cleaning and tidying up is the times I highly treasure and something I cherish. It gaves me this feeling of being free to make my own decisions, doing whatever I like when I want it and how I want things to be. Im open one of the boxes and stumble upon an old school photo when I was in middle school, I look very different back then, I was looking wimpy, nerdy and naive. I used to be exploited and outcast whenever I didn't obey what they say, a person who is highly dependent on what others think and heavily influenced by their judgment. Now the very same person is now looking at it.

But now, he is well-built, tough, has a stable career and only listens to himself. I dont need their opinions after all, I should only listen to myself and to the people who matters to me, like my family. I remember when I encounter them again, some ignored me at first but when they learned how successful I am in my career, they swarmed me and act like we're closed back then. However, I am no longer the same stupid person they mistreated. I ignore them and continue on with my life, they mock and criticize me constantly, saying im arrogant and hostile. But I didn't care, my closest friends and family knew the real me and they knew their statements are false. I only care for the opinions of those who mattered.