Loss

I lost my uncle, well one of my uncles, my mom's brother, when I was quite young. He was truly loved by the whole family truly so it came as quite the shock and blow to the whole family.

The whole family cried, mom especially. I had never seen her like that ever. The whole family cried hard but me.

It's not like I did not understand the concept of death, I did, and that was exactly the reason I just saw no particular reason why we had to cry when our loved one died.

The feeling and concept that everyone dies no matter what, truly made me feel that if that's true then why are we crying.

But the more I saw my mom and cousins cry so hard made me question myself a bit. did that mean that I did not really love my uncle?

I know I did, I know I'll miss him when he's gone but then why, why am I not like everyone else, crying so hard, wailing with reddened eyes and tear soaked clothes.

I was beginning to be afraid, what if they think I never cared for him. what if the think I don't care for any of them. I was scared, so scared.

So I forced the tears out. Now that I think about it I doubt I had to force them out. I think the thought of my parents or family assuming I felt nothing for them scared me to that point.

Now, now I have not changed much. Still bottle up everything. It's easier. I doubt I'll ever change.

I still do worry though, what will happen when either of my parents die. will I still feel 'nothing', like that again?

I need to stop here. I'm actually scaring myself again