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Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro? by zugrian

 Harry Potter & Marvel Xover Rated: T, English, Humor & Parody, Harry P., Parvati P., Padma P., Thanos, Words: 48k+, Favs: 568, Follows: 707, Published: Jul 13 Updated: Dec 17 169Chapter 4: Year 2- Everybody Must Get Stroned II

Disclaimer: More silliness that would make Harry Potter much more fun if it were canon. :)

Harry Potter groaned to himself as he strolled down the hall towards the classroom that buffoon Lockhart had been using all year. He refused to call it teaching since all the fop had done was stoke his ego and make the dumb girls sigh. Funnily enough, even Granger was being stupid about him.

As if that soft ponce could really put a werewolf in a headlock. I mean, seriously, he got beaten up by a twelve year old with only one good hand.

Unfortunately, Harry was stuck having to try to figure out a way to deal with him because he was determined to find a guy for McG. That's why he ended up knocking on the door that evening about half an hour after dinner had finished. Plus, it had to be that night in particular because he'd already secured the help of his second favorite set of twins as well as his brainy Ravenclaw honey in setting everything up. He still wasn't happy about it, but the quest to find McG a dude was far too important for him to bail now.

"Come in!"

"Excuse me, professor," Harry said, trying not to grind his teeth in his annoyance as he opened the door and stepped inside.

"Ah, M-m-mister Potter," Lockhart gulped.

"Yeah, so I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but um..." Harry scratched his head. How the hell was he supposed to do this anyway? "So, are you like married or anything?"

"Of course not," Lockhart answered with a grin. "My adoring public would be heartbroken if I weren't unattached."

"Oh," Harry frowned.

"It is a burden I'm willing to bear," Lockhart smiled once again. "Besides, can you imagine me being tied down to some woman? Whenever would I have the time to write my novels?"

"I guess, but... I mean, you do like girls, right? No wait, you don't like young girls I hope. Because that would be all kinds of wrong."

"I like the adoration they give me, but I am not sexually interested in them, I can assure you of that," Lockhart replied before starting to frown. "I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this."

"Oh, that's due to my lovely assistants," Harry answered as he pointed his wand at the no longer grinning wizard. "It was going to be bad enough that I would have to willingly talk to you, but I certainly didn't want to have to do it while you would just spin your usual lies."

"You mean like all my books?"

"Yeah, did you make all of that stuff up?"

"I'm not that imaginative," Lockhart answered then started to frown again. "Why did I say that?"

"We slipped you a truth potion in your evening meal."

"Oh, no," Lockhart moaned.

"Oh yes. So, about your books... if you didn't make them up, then..."

"I interview people who have done amazing things, write down their stories, and then use memory charms to make them forget what they've done so that I can claim their deeds as my own." Lockhart grimaced as Harry smirked at him. "A truth potion shouldn't make me tell you all this."

"There may have also been a little something to loosen your tongue as well," Harry shrugged. "Alright, so you're a fraud. I kinda had that figured out already, so that's no biggie. More importantly, do you like ladies or are you as much of a poof as you seem?"

"I am not gay!" Lockhart turned up his chin defiantly. "You've no idea how many times men have accused me of that. Just because I spend more on hair care than the average witch, doesn't mean anything about my sexuality! I'm just incredibly pompous and vain!"

"You said it, not me," Harry chuckled.

"Damn you, Potter! I'll get you for this."

"Dude, I haven't seen you successfully cast a spell all year. I learned more about defensive magic in one afternoon with McG last year than all of the retarded 'lessons' of yours that I've sat through. And I'm the one with the wand now, so let's get back to the point. Would you be interested in hooking up with McG? Excuse me, I mean Professor McG."

"Minerva McGonagall?" Lockhart looked confused. "She was one of my teachers! I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to."

"I thought the teacher/student thing was supposed to be cool," Harry said. "I guess I'll have to double check with Thanos about that. Anyway, so that's a no to becoming her man?"

"Of course it's a no. Besides, haven't you been paying attention? I'm a huge narcissist. I would have to have the most beautiful yet simple and vapid woman possible on my arm. Minerva is a lovely woman for her age, but she is not up to my standards."

"Damn," Harry sighed. "This is matchmaker thing is harder than it looks. I guess I don't have any reason to keep this up then. You can come out boys."

There was the sound of a rustling cloak as Fred and George appeared. "Don't you mean..."

"Your lovely assistants?"

Both boys were grinning madly. One of them, Harry was guessing George, had a large bag in his hand while the other, possibly Fred, had his wand out, ready to jinx the pompous fraud if given the chance.

"Padma was the lovely one, you guys are just my assistants," Harry replied.

"We could have brewed you those potions, you know?"

"I figured you might slip something else in though."

"We probably would have," maybe Fred answered while his brother chuckled.

"Well, you won't have anyone to stop you in a moment," Harry grinned. "I need to go talk to McG. I was hoping to give her good news, but I guess getting rid of this bozo will have to do."

"You're really set on this Harry," the left twin said, shaking his head and smirking. "Maybe you should check with her that she even wants to be some bloke's honey."

"What do you mean?"

The twin on the right answered. "What if old McGonagall wants a honey of her own?"

"Oh..." Harry stopped to think about it. That had a lot more possibilities. "I guess I should ask, huh?"

"Nothing wrong with a little witch on witch action, eh Fred?"

"Right you are, my dear brother. Although, I would prefer it to be with someone a little younger and less terrifying than our head of house."

"Alright, I'll be back in a bit," Harry said. "Try not to have too much fun while I'm gone."

"We'll do our worst," George replied as he opened his bag. "We've just got a few things to try out. Our professor here looks like he might want to volunteer to become a product tester."

Harry nodded, retrieved his invisibility cloak, and went off to find McG. Technically, he probably should have brought to light the fraud with the headmaster, but he knew by then that the old man was far too evil to care about his students. McG would be the one to get things done. He just needed to figure out how to tactfully ask her if she was interested in dudes or not.

A couple of minutes later, he reached her office. When he was let inside, Harry decided to just be honest. "Hey, Professor McG. I was wondering if you like dudes or ladies."

"What?" she stared at him, quite possibly aghast.

Okay, maybe that was way too blunt. But this is Harry we're talking about.

"You know, like I've got my two honeys. Or like how Malfoy has two mums even if he does insist on calling one of them his father," Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes as he finger quoted the father part. The way Luscious Malfoy pranced around made Harry wonder at who would teach their lady of the night to act like that. Maybe it was a magical thing.

"Mister Potter," McG shook her head and bade him to sit down in one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Why on Earth are you asking me such an inappropriate question?"

"You don't wear a wedding ring," Harry pointed out. "I assume that means there isn't a Mr. McG. And I... well, like I have Padma and Parvati, you know? They make me feel pretty good, and they like being my honeys. I figured that maybe, if I could find some cool wizard dude, then maybe you could be his honey, and that would make you happy."

"That is very sweet, Harry," she gave him a little grin. "However, it is also thoroughly unnecessary."

"Oh, so ladies then?" he asked.

"No!"

"But-"

"Harry, while I appreciate your idea, did it ever occur to you that maybe I am not interested in having a romantic relationship?"

He stared at her like she had grown two extra heads, or maybe some antlers. "But... that doesn't make any sense. What about frenching?"

"You may be a hormonal teenager, but those sorts of feelings are not universal," she replied as she stifled a smile.

"They're not?" he gasped.

"As you get older, you will likely find that there are many things that matter more than 'frenching' or other things of that sort."

"That's crazy talk," Harry argued with a frown. "As my mentor would say, it sounds like you need to get laid."

McG shook her head and mumbled something about horny little buggers. She wasn't as quiet as she might have hoped, but Harry held back his laughter. "Why don't we set my love life aside for now? Is there anything else that you wanted to discuss?"

"Oh yeah, I should probably tell you that Lockhart admitted to being a fraud who made all that stuff up."

"What?" she stood up. "He told you that?"

"There may have been a truth potion that got him talking," Harry smirked. "Two of your favorite pranksters are currently keeping him occupied if you want to do something about getting rid of the idiot."

"I hope those little reprobates are keeping him properly tied up," she replied as she walked over to her fireplace. "You can see yourself out, Harry. I've got several people to floo tonight. WIth luck, we'll have that fool out of the castle before morning."

"Goodnight, McG."

Unfortunately for Harry, his quest had gone unfulfilled as well as McG attempted to horrify him with the idea that he wouldn't always want to do fun things with his honeys. He was extra attentive to them for the next few days after that.

Meanwhile, Lockhart had been interviewed by both representatives from the DMLE and the Daily Prophet, and the fraud was now awaiting trial. That meant there was no teacher for Harry's next Defense lesson on the final Friday of the fall term. He wasn't sure what would be awaiting him as he and Parvati headed to the class as it hadn't been canceled.

When they stepped through the door, Harry gasped. Then he started to choke due to all the smoke in the air. Albus Dumbledore was standing at the front of the room in an eye-watering tie dyed robe.

"Welcome, everyone," the headmaster said happily. "Come in, come in! I've got the most important lesson possible for Defense."

He pointed his wand at the blackboard, which spun around to reveal an enormous peace sign.

"Peace man," Dumbledore said. He leaned back against his desk and reached over to grab a two foot tall orange and purple bong. "Peace is the best thing, like ever, man."

The students were too stunned to sit down. After a very awkward moment of silence, good old Hermione raised her hand in the air.

Albus finished his toke, his eyes glazed, as he motioned to her with a smile on his face. "What is your question, miss Granger?"

"Professor Dumbledore, sir-"

"Call me Alby," he replied in a soft voice. "All my friends do."

"Right, um, Alby," she said, clearly flustered. It looked to Harry like she was straining at not being respectful enough towards him- but then Hermione hadn't seen through the old man's facade to his thoroughly evil core like Harry had. She continued, "Is that marijuana, sir?"

"Mary Jane," he nodded. "The loveliest girl I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with."

The headmaster started to giggle, and most of the students started to mumble about what they were going to do. Harry though was keeping a close eye on him, waiting for his next evil scheme. He couldn't let his guard down, not with such a dastardly villain in close proximity to one of his honeys.

The door then banged open, with McG striding in as she groaned. "Albus, what in the name of Merlin... is that marijuana?"

"Don't go harshing my buzz, Minnie," he smiled. "I'm just getting to my lesson for the day."

"No, you are not," she scolded him. "You will clean this nonsense up right now."

"But-"

"Until we have a replacement, I will handle Defense Against the Dark Arts," she said. "You will have to take over Transfiguration in the mean time."

"Oh, fine," the headmaster pouted as he shrunk his bong down and stuck it into a pocket of his robes.

"And Albus, if I find you making any sort of mess like this in my classroom, I'm sure I can convince Poppy to give you a very thorough exam, even worse than last time."

"You're no fun," he muttered. Dumbledore walked towards the door and the students parted down the middle for him. "I still say this would have been a wonderful lesson for them."

Once the door closed behind him, McG cast several spells to freshen the air. Everyone started to find seats, and Hermione's hand was once again high up in the air.

"Miss Granger?"

"Professor McGonagall, what was that all about? Is the headmaster alright?"

"Don't worry about him." McG had this funny little look on her face, and Harry relaxed a bit as he now knew that someone else was keeping a close watch on the headmaster of evil. "You'll have to forgive me as I forgot that I would need to switch my schedule around while I've been dealing with everything else. Professor Dumbledore is quite skilled at alchemy, among other things, and he is a master of Transfiguration. However, he is absolutely useless at Defense."

"What?" Hermione gasped.

"It's true," McG grinned slightly. "You should ask some of the older students. They'll tell you that we've had one bad teacher after another for Defense. Unfortunately, the board of governors hasn't seen fit to let me handle hiring new staff, and the headmaster just can't seem to find anyone even slightly qualified for the position."

Harry could only nod- that did explain the stuttering spaz and the vain buffoon in a way that he hadn't considered.

"This is one of the reasons why the war with you know who went so poorly," McG sighed as she sat down behind the desk, using her wand to banish even more drug paraphanilia that had littered it. "Everyone looked to Professor Dumbledore to save the day, as he had defeated Grindelwald all those years ago, but he had one fatal flaw for such a task- he is a staunch pacifist."

"But, I thought the headmaster was the only one that the he who must not be named was said to fear," Granger added, still looking confused.

"Hrmph," McG scowled. "That's because he who must not be named showed up in Hogsmeade one day when the staff was all there. Albus transfigured you know who's robes into a very tight leather outfit and suggested that they work things out peacefully. He fled that day, the only time anyone ever drove him off, but I think I might have been just as horrified as you know who was."

She neglected to mention how Dumbledore had changed his own outfit at the same time- there were some things too terrible to tell the children, things that still made her drink when she couldn't repress the memories. McG shooks those thoughts off and cleared the blackboard.

"Now then, let's get to work," she said as she stood up and walked around the desk. "Today, I'm going to teach you one of the most important spells you should know. Protego, or the Shield Charm, is far too useful to wait to teach it any longer. Mister Potter, why don't you come to the front and you can help me demonstrate."

"It would be my pleasure, professor."

The next couple of months passed without anything too important happening. Harry once again spent the Christmas break working out extra hard while the girls went home. He did a good deed too- just before everybody left, he gave Ron Weasley several galleons so that he could get a new wand. Harry felt a little bad about his part in the breaking of Ron's old wand, and after seeing how bad it reacted to the Shield Charm lesson, in which he had somehow conjured a banana, a turkey, and an old boot without ever successfully managing to get the spell right, Harry didn't want to see what may accidentally happen next.

He did wonder at why the teachers would let someone with a clearly broken wand keep using it in class- but then he chalked it up to the madness that was everywhere in the magical world.

Things got weird again once Valentine's Day rolled around. Little angry looking dwarves dressed up as Cupid filled Hogwarts ready to facilitate the festivities, whether or not anyone was impressed by them or the gawdy decorations that filled the Great Hall. The head dwarf was chomping on a cigar while he told McG that they'd signed a contract with Lockhart, and they always honored their work orders even though the fraud was now in Azkaban.

Parvati and Padma were both put off by the hairy little 'angels' flying around that morning, and so they told Harry that they would appreciate not being further harassed by the little buggers. That was fine with him, so he tried not to pay too much attention to the ugly little guys.

All that changed later that day, just after lunch. He and the girls left a few minutes early so they could trek off to Charms when one of the cupids flew over to him. "You must be Potter, right?"

"That's me," Harry answered with a smirk. He should have known one of his fans would still want to pay tribute to his greatness.

"Good, I've got a musical message for you." The dwarf twanged his harp sharply and Harry did his best not to wince at the awful noise.

"His arms are so big and strong, they could easily lift me

"He could just pick me right up and totally kiss me

"If only he'd lose those awful hussies, and see that I'm the one

"Harry my love, please wake up and choose me, and we'll have so much fun!"

There were more than a few giggles, especially from a group of first years that had exited the Great Hall at roughly the same time as Harry and his honeys. Among them, he saw little Ginny Weasley staring at him in a way that was rather frightening.

Parvati also saw her, judging by her angry growl. "Who do you think you're calling a hussy, you little tramp?"

"You're the tramp, you hussy!" Ginny yelled back.

Instead of pulling their wands though, both girls stepped forward and a slap fight began. Padma groaned next to Harry. "This is all your fault, you know?"

"What did I do?" he asked.

"She's your crazy stalker," Padma said, flinching slightly at the sound of a particularly loud slap from her sister that had connected solidly. "I might not be in Gryffindor, but I've still seen Weasley staring at you and drooling during meals."

"I am pretty irresistible," Harry grinned.

"You're a doofus," Padma snorted. "But you're my doofus, I suppose."

"Why aren't you mad like Parvati?"

"Because I've heard worse, and that crazy little girl is no threat to me," Padma scoffed as she waved towards the little redhead who Parvati had knocked to the ground and was now kneeling over. "One of us needs to keep her head so we can keep an eye on you. You get into way too much trouble, and it would probably be so much worse without Parvati or me around to look after you."

"You call it trouble, but I call it fun," Harry replied. "I should probably step in and stop this, but I think Parvati looks really hot right now. All defending her territory and stuff."

"You're such an idiot, Harry," Padma sighed.

A few minutes later the little Charms dude ran into the commotion and separated the girls. Ginny was sent off to the hospital wing to have a split lip dealt with. Padma took her sister off to the restroom to deal with a couple of minor scratches. Harry promised to save them seats in Charms.

Later that evening, he made sure to be extra affectionate with Parvati in the Gryffindor common room. Not only did it make her happy, but she enjoyed it even more as Ginny was glaring at them the entire time.

Meanwhile, a very cranky little redhead was writing furiously in her diary. And her 'friend' Tom that kept answering her was growing more and more tired of hearing about Harry Potter- his muscles, his hair, his eyes, his smile, all of it was enough to make a disembodied partial soul long for oblivion. The ranting about his 'hussy' girlfriends was even worse.

It made him lash out by forcing the girl to take a basilisk on a little stroll.

"Dude, poor Hermione." Harry shook his head once he saw what had caused the cancellation of what was to be his next quidditch match. Granger and an older Ravenclaw girl had become the most recent people turned to stone.

"I didn't think she was a friend of yours," Padma wondered, raising an eyebrow at Harry's concern.

"Maybe not a close friend, but I liked how she would get all frustrated and call me names," he replied with a grin.

"You do realize that she wasn't calling you a ruffian as a term of endearment, right?" Padma said.

"You say po-tae-to, I say po-tah-to," Harry answered, still smiling. "Who will let out angry growls when I do something cool and funny now? I was hoping to move up to scoundrel soon."

"Maybe she likes you because you're a scoundrel," Parvati chimed in with a giggle. "That would explain why she gets so upset by your behavior."

"Do you think she has a crush on Harry?" Padma asked.

"Duh!" her sister rolled her eyes.

"Everyone should have a crush on me," Harry added. "I'm awesome."

"You're certainly not lacking in confidence," Padma teased while smacking him on the arm.

"Excuse me." The trio turned to see McG had come over to speak to them. "Harry, I know you have a habit of getting into precarious situations, so I wanted to warn you in particular."

"Warn me about what?"

"This," she said as she set down a piece of parchment. "It seems that miss Granger was researching what could be causing the petrifications."

"Petrifi- what?"

"Petrification means being turned to stone," Padma answered.

"Correct, miss Patil," McG replied as Harry muttered 'oh.' She continued, "I believe miss Granger may have discovered the beast responsible for the attacks. Her notes are about a basilisk, said to be the king of snakes. Normally, the sight of their eyes can be fatal. However, we believe that none of the victims saw it directly, and hence, why we have luckily not had any fatalities. Miss Granger and miss Clearwater were found with a hand mirror. We believe that seeing its reflection was what has caused them to be affected.

"Unfortunately, this does not help us with discovering who the culprit may be."

"That's a bummer," Harry said.

"Indeed, Harry," McG replied. "This may cause you even more problems because of the fact that your parseltongue ability came to light."

"But I wouldn't pick on Hermione like that," he argued. "If I were to attack someone, it would be-"

He stopped himself before he started swearing.

"Perhaps one of your least favorite professors?" McG asked with a smirk. "I suppose I would be safe then."

"Totally safe, Professor McG," Harry smiled right back.

"As it is, we cannot rely on any of us being out of harm's way. We may have even more problems due to this recent attack."

Professor McG's suggestion turned out to be true when the board of governors suspended the headmaster. Now, Harry was celebrating this as he still thought Dumbledore was behind the attacks somehow, or at least stirring up the rumors about Harry being the bad guy, but most of the castle was less happy. And Padma was still telling him that he was wrong about Dumbledore being evil.

What was much worse, in Harry's opinion, was that the minister had Hagrid arrested and thrown into prison for possibly being behind the attacks since he had taken the blame years before. Hagrid was way too mellow of a dude to be attacking school kids. Well, at least not intentionally. Fluffy had been one of his pets, after all.

But Harry now had a new enemy- Minister Fudge the dumbass. And he heard that Malfoy's mum Luscious had been accompanying the minister when he came, which was just more proof about how she earned favor with influential wizards.

Aside from inept politicians and evil prostitutes, Harry had one fairly normal week before things would get weird again.

Harry was sitting on a chair in the common room relaxing while Parvati sat on his lap and pretended to study the most recent Charm they were supposed to be learning. They were quite capable at distracting each other, and thus they didn't hear the commotion as McG strode up to them.

"Ahem!"

"What? Oh, Professor McGonagall," Parvati blushed as she climbed to her feet, making Harry groan sadly. "We were just studying."

"That is an interesting technique, if you have discovered a way to learn about magic through osmosis and osculation," McG answered with a smirk. "However, I must interrupt your work because I have need of mister Potter. Harry, please follow me."

"Right," he said as he stood up awkwardly. Parvati sitting on his lap was one of the best things ever, right up there with frenching. His favorite teacher led him out through the Fat Lady's portrait and down an empty hallway towards the stairs.

"We have had a very unfortunate development this evening," she explained as they began their descent. "There has been another attack by whomever out mysterious culprit may be, and I am going to need your help to solve this problem."

"I'm glad to help," Harry smiled.

"You do have your wand, I hope?"

"Uh, yeah, but I thought you might want me for more physical backup. You know, since Hagrid isn't around."

"That is not why I have brought you along," she sighed.

"Oh. So, I don't get to punch anybody? Bummer."

McG laughed quietly as they reached the second floor. There was a message on the wall about 'her skeleton lying in the chamber forever' and Harry was very glad that Evil Old Dumbledore wasn't around. He didn't want to have to rescue Padma again like he had the year before, and he knew that the headmaster had been somehow responsible for that entire fiasco. One of these days, he was going to prove it too.

"Ginny Weasley is the missing student," McG said as she pushed open a bathroom door. "Please follow me."

"You know, the last time I went into a girls' bathroom, I fought a troll," Harry pointed out. "I hope this time won't be a disappointment."

"With any luck, you won't be fighting anything today."

"Ah, don't say such mean things, McG," Harry grinned back at her.

"Myrtle, are you there?" McG asked, ignoring him for a moment.

"Yes. It's not like I have anywhere else to be." The ghost of a teenage girl floated out from one of the stalls. Now he remembered where he was- Padma had warned Parvati about staying far away from this restroom because of Moaning Myrtle. Harry cringed at how she openly leered at him. "Oh, you brought a boy with you this time. A cute boy!"

"This is mister Potter," McG replied. "I am hoping that he will be able to help me to end the mystery of the Chamber of the Secrets. But first, I need to ask you a question. Has anyone else visited you this evening?"

"There was a strange voice earlier," Myrtle confirmed. "It sounded like two people talking at the same time."

"But you didn't see them?"

"No, they started hissing, and then there was this awfully loud racket, so I covered my ears. By the time it was done and I thought it safe to come out, there wasn't anyone here."

"I see. Would you please find Nearly Headless Nick and ask him to join us please?"

"I am already here, Professor McGonagall," the Gryffindor ghost replied as he floated in through the door. "I hope that you won't find me too presumptuous, madam, but I was following along behind you once I heard that one of our little lions had been taken by some sort of ghastly beast. A plot from Slytherin house once again, it seems."

"I am glad to see you, Nicholas," McG said. "I would like to ask that you join me on my quest tonight."

"It would be my pleasure," he answered with a bow that made his head tilt about forty five degrees off his shoulders before he grabbed it and settled it back into place. "I am always honored to serve the noble house of Gryffindor."

"So there is a quest? Awesome!" Harry said.

"Your part should only be a brief one, Harry," McG added.

"Aww."

"Due to the nature of Salazar Slytherin as a parselmouth, I believe that the Chamber might very well be hidden so that only another speaker would be able to find it. That's where you come in."

"So, you just need me to like... open the door?"

"Indeed," McG nodded firmly. "I will handle things from there."

"But, can't I come with you? You know, like to watch your back?"

"Harry, while I appreciate your concern, I am first and foremost a teacher. I will not willingly place one of my students in danger."

"Come on, just a little danger?" Harry asked. "I can handle it."

"Just help me look for something related to snakes in here," she said as she rolled her eyes. Harry was a good lad, but sometimes she wondered if he wasn't trying to wear her out with his shenanigans.

"Are you sure it's in here?"

"All of the attacks have been very close by," she answered. "The writing on the walls has been right across the hall as well. As a snake, a basilisk could theoretically travel through the pipes of the school, which miss Granger pointed out in her notes before she was attacked. Thus, this seems like the mostly likely location. Now, look for something representing snakes."

"Okay," Harry said as he headed to the middle of the room. It hadn't been near the end where Myrtle had been in a stall. A small figure caught his eye on one of the sinks. "Professor McG, I think I've found it."

She walked over to where he was as he pointed out the snake carving. "Well done, Harry. Try to open it."

"How?"

"Try saying something in parseltongue."

"Okay," he shrugged. "Open up."

"That was English, Harry," McG chided him. "Focus on the snake and try again."

"Right, good idea." He turned back to the figure of a snake and tried to imagine it slithering and looking at him with unblinking eyes. "Open up!" he hissed. The sinks began to retract with a terrible rumbling sound. After a few seconds, there was a large hole revealing a pipe heading straight down.

"I am going down there," McG said as she raised her wand and began to mutter a few incantations. "Nicholas, if you will, follow me. Should worse come to worst, I am hoping that you will be able to save me from a lethal attack. Mister Potter, you are to return to your common room."

"But-"

"No buts, Harry," McG insisted. "It is my job to see that my students are safe, and that includes you, young man."

"Fine," he sighed.

"Good." She turned back to the hole and waved her wand while yelling out, "Scourgify!"

"Wish me luck," she said as she looked at Harry one last time.

"Good luck, professor."

McG jumped down into the hole. Nearly Headless Nick then nodded at Harry as well. "Don't fret, young man. Minerva McGonagall is a very talented witch, and I shall do everything in my power to aid her."

The ghost then slid down into the pipe and disappeared. Myrtle floated over to Harry's side and peered down into it. "That must be a long way down."

"Yeah."

"So..." Myrtle looked up at Harry with stars in her eyes. "You're the famous boy who lived. I've heard about how handsome you are, you know? But seeing things first hand is even more thrilling."

"Uh, thanks." Harry glanced between the creepy ghost and back down at the hole. "She didn't really expect me to just stay behind, did she?"

"That's what she said."

"Yeah, but McG knows me better than that." Harry smirked and jumped down into the hole. The next couple of minutes were a rush as he slid on endlessly- it was like a water slide, only without the water. And now that he thought of it, a water slide would be a lot better if he was going down it with one of his honeys. Preferably with the girl in a bikini.

That thought ended as he crashed out onto the floor of a rather filthy room. Harry saw a light off in the distance down a tunnel, so he got up and jogged after it. McG was treading carefully, and he noticed the floor was covered in lots of skeletons of all sorts of creatures. Harry pulled out his wand as he caught up to her.

"Blast it all, Harry!" she scowled at him. "I told you not to come down here."

"Yeah, but I figured you were joking. Why wouldn't I want to come help you face some terrible monster? This is going to be awesome! Besides, I couldn't just leave a lady on her own." He turned to Nick with a wink. "No offense, Sir Nicholas, but I would rather McG have another wand to back her up, you know?"

"I applaud your intentions, mister Potter," the ghost replied.

"Then, you will follow my instructions, Harry, or I will have you in detention for the rest of the year."

"Sure," he grinned.

"Follow me and pay attention to your senses. As soon as we can find the beast, I will deal with it."

"But-"

"Can you conjure a rooster and force it to crow?" McG asked with a rather imperiously raised eyebrow. "That is what is needed to deal with a basilisk."

"I could do it if you taught me the spells," he shrugged.

"We don't have time for that, so just help me find the monster. Nicholas, if you would, please be ready to get between either of us and its eyes. We'll be much better off petrified than dead."

"Because we'll be too hard to eat?" Harry asked.

"Indeed."

Harry nodded and walked beside her for a few minutes before the rocky tunnel ended in a sealed doorway. Judging by all the snakes surrounding it, his unique vocal talents were once again necessary. "See, isn't it a good thing that I came down here with you?"

"Don't be smart with me, Harry," McG answered with a hint of a grin. "I can still put you in detention for not following my instructions."

Thankfully for Minerva, Harry wasn't quite old and worldly enough to ask if she would spank him for being a naughty boy. That sort of teasing was still at least a couple of years away. She had a feeling that he was going to be an absolute nightmare by fifth year, and she was already despairing to think of which of the other boys in his year could possibly be a prefect instead. Finnegan was already a little reprobate, Thomas spent far too much time with him, Longbottom was frightened by his own shadow, and Weasley was horribly lazy.

Harry hissed at the door and it slid open. He started to step through only to be pulled back. "I told you to stay behind me."

"Fine," he huffed. "No one ever wants to let me have any fun."

They climbed down into a long hallway with stone pillars on either side with carved serpents everywhere. There was an oddly green gloom to the place, with more light coming from the other end of the chamber. McG walked forward carefully, and Harry decided to follow orders for once as he kept his ears open for any sound that might uncover where this mighty beast was hiding. He was still hoping that he would get the chance to slay it, no matter what his teacher might say. How cool would that be?

"Miss Weasley," McG whispered as they drew closer to the other end. There was a huge statue of a rather ugly old dude, and a small figure was laying on the floor beneath it.

"Want me to check on her?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but be careful," she warned. "It could be a trap."

"Alright," he nodded. He got closer and turned his small fangirl over onto her back. She was alive and not turned to stone, but she was also more pale than usual and cold to the touch. "Ginny? Wake up." There was a black diary lying next to her. With no response, he decided to try another idea. "If you wake up right now, I'll give you a kiss."

Still nothing though.

"Is that really appropriate?"

"I figured if she was faking, she'd definitely come to with that offer on the table," Harry replied.

"She won't wake," a voice said from the shadows.

"Who are you?" McG demanded.

"Little Ginny Weasley knew me as Tom Riddle," the ghostly figure answered as it strode closer to them. He looked like a teenager, but he was blurry and semi-transparent. "I can't tell you how glad I am to finally be free of the stupid little bint. Do you have any idea how much I've had to listen to her go on and on about him? She was unbearable. Over and over she wrote to me," Riddle motioned to the diary. "If I didn't have to be so convincing, I would have told her exactly how foolish she was. So determined to capture the attention of this brutish boy. I imagine she's going to be even worse as she becomes a teenager and gets full of all those awful hormones. Ugh!"

Riddle shook with revulsion before he continued. "I always knew there was something wrong with witches. It's one of the reasons I was always disgusted by the way the male students would lust after them. Pitiful and foolish. Of course, I was above such things. Humanity is disgusting. Why else do you think I was so quick to shed as much as I could of my original mortal form?"

"And turn into a ghosty dude?" Harry asked. "How is that any better? Besides, you really don't know what you're missing out on. Pretty girls are like the best thing, dude. That's why I've got two honeys, bro. LIke, if I had more arms, I'd have to get a couple more."

"This is all the magical world has to show of its great savior," Riddle sneered. "A boy who's all brawn and no brain. It astounds me to think that such a brat could have ever possibly defeated me, and as a small child no less. Perhaps I had been drugged? I don't see any other explanation for my downfall."

"Tom Riddle was a head boy shortly before I started at Hogwarts," McG piped up. "Are you telling me that same boy became you know who?"

"Defeated more than a decade ago, and still grown witches and wizards are terrified to even speak my name," he laughed. "I knew that as I became much greater than the wizards around me, I would need a new name. One that would set me above the cowardly, brainless herd. So, I came up with a new name."

He raised his hand, which appeared to be holding Ginny's wand, and conjured a set of glowing letters revealing his full name- Tom Marvolo Riddle- before he waved his hand and they shifted places to reveal: I am Lord Voldemort.

"Ooh, wow so you came up with a what's it called? Acronym?" Harry scoffed.

"Anagram, Harry," McG corrected.

"Yeah, that," Harry snorted. "You must have been a really boring nerdy kid. Like, Padma's a brainy girl, but she doesn't sit around doodling her name and trying to make up something silly. Although I did catch Parvati doodling her name and mine once, but I think that was just because History of Magic is really boring."

"You dare to insult me? I will have you begging on your knees before I destroy you Potter!" Riddle spat. "I will destroy everyone you know and love before I finish with you."

Harry turned to McG. "Do you think all bad guys have to go to a class or something? It seems like they always have the same rants and threats."

"I have conquered death itself, Potter," Riddle sneered. "You are nothing compared to my greatness."

"You're wrong about me, dude."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll admit, the muscles are pretty spectacular," Harry answered with a smirk. "But I'm smarter than you might think. For example..."

He turned and whipped up his wand, taking aim at the diary that Riddle had pointed out. "Reducto!"

The curse blasted the ground all around it, but when the dust settled the diary was still lying there, completely intact. Meanwhile, McG fired a couple of spells at the ghostly figure, but they didn't seem to have any effect on him.

"Ha ha ha! As if a simple spell like that would be enough to overcome my enchantments. It is time for Ginny Weasley to come to an end," Riddle hissed. "And it seems the two of you will be joining her."

Albus Dumbledore was very angry. He didn't like being angry, but that hideously dressed buffoon from the ministry had taken his loyal henchman off to Azkaban, while the lovely young boy Malfoy had somehow convinced the other governors to suspend him. Now, admittedly, Lucius did seem to have some of those bad boy traits that Albus liked, but if he was truly under the Imperius curse, then Albus didn't have the ability to lead him back to the light.

It was too bad really, because Lucius was very pretty for a young man. Albus wouldn't mind seeing what was under his robes. Alas!

What made things much, much worse though, was that in all the ruckus of being forced out of his precious school, Dumbledore's stash had been left behind. So now, he was really jonesing for something- anything- to get his mind off his plight. He didn't even have enough gold in his pockets to buy any lemon drops! The world was truly a cruel place.

In order to try to fix his problems, Albus set about confronting the board of governors, where he learned that Malfoy had threated to curse them all. Perhaps young Lucius needed some rehabilitation after all? Dumbledore knew just the sort of thing too- a few rounds of playing Headmaster sorts out the troubled young student should be just the thing to cure Lucius of this bad behavior.

However, just as he was about to ask Fawkes to give him a ride back to Hogwarts, the bloody bird disappeared in a ball of flame.

The being currently known as Fawkes had been around for a long, long time. It was one of the benefits of being immortal, after all. His newest companion was one of the most hilarious humans he'd ever met. Fawkes didn't always agree with him, and he often had to leave when Dumbledore was feeling 'frisky' but his open-minded approach to hallucinogens was far too much fun to pass up. And wizards got the good stuff more easily than normal people anyway.

However, the world clearly had a new hero on the scene. Harry Potter was amusing in his own way, and he did have that incredibly lovely young owl as a companion, so Fawkes was already starting to think of grooming the young man into his next great mortal companion. It was either that or prepare to jump across the galaxy to another planet, but sometimes it took awhile to find one that was inhabited, and Fawkes was looking forward to the next century or two on Earth. He had a feeling those 'muggles' as the wizards called them would find them out one day soon. That was bound to be too interesting to miss.

There was a reason that Harry's wand had one of his tail feathers. Fawkes used it as a beacon, but he first headed to the office and yanked that mouthy old hat off his shelf.

Sometimes Destiny needed a little help.

Riddle had started hissing something about Slytherin and there was this horrible sound of old stone groaning as it shifted. Harry looked up and saw something serpentine but enormous slithering out of the ugly old statue dude's mouth.

Minerva was focused on her task though. She conjured a rooster that looked confused as it pecked at the floor. This was not the sort of place a rooster belonged. She was about to cast another spell when sir Nicholas called out, "Minerva, watch out!"

He slid in front of her just as one of the beast's enormous eyes gazed at her.

"No!" Harry yelled as his favorite teacher was turned to stone. Nick too was out of the fight, his form now black and smoky. He growled as he looked over at Riddle's smirking face. "I'm going to make you pay for that."

"You might try, but I am going to enjoy watching you die, Potter."

Harry raised his wand and shouted, "Lumos!"

The rooster looked up at the bright light, but apparently it wasn't enough to make it give off its famous cry that welcomed the morning.

"Pitiful," Riddle sneered.

A burst of light announced the arrival of a new player on the scene though. Phoenix travel is known for being flashy- or stylish, as Fawkes might say- and the ball of flame was particularly striking in the gloomy surroundings. He then began his song as he dropped the hat onto the boy and began to fly around the room while being disgusted at the sort of place that dirty stupid old snake would willingly live in. This basilisk was truly far too ill-bred and gauche for polite company. Then again, Salazar Slytherin had been a rather ugly old pervert. He supposed that the nasty man's creation couldn't help the poor example it had been given.

"Don't just stand there, Potter!" the Sorting Hart shouted as Harry caught it. "Reach in already!"

"What?"

"Haven't you seen the old magic trick?"

"I don't think a rabbit is going to help right now," Harry muttered, but he did as it said. His hand felt something solid, and a moment later, he pulled out a sword that was clearly too long to have fit in the hat normally. "Sweet!"

"Indeed, now go make my old friend Godric proud!"

Harry nodded, his eyes still happily taking in the appearance of the silver sword with large rubies adoring its cross guard and hilt. The Thicc Daddy would be pleased with how pimped out it was. Harry took a couple of practice swings and then noticed that the phoenix and the basilisk were fighting each other, the bird seeming to be attempting to claw the snake's eyes out.

"Hey you stupid snake!" He yelled out, the hissing sounding much stranger. "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

"Is it a tasty bone?" the snake hissed in response.

"Yeah, now open wide!" Harry replied with a manic gleam in his eye. He had a need to shove the sword deep into this monster that would dare to attack McG.

The basilisk lunged toward the voice, mouth going wide in anticipation of a tasty treat. But nothing succulent and juicy awaited it, only the worst pain it had ever felt as the metal blade penetrated the roof of its mouth and skewered up into its brain. A lifetime of a thousand years ended in that flash of steel.

Harry stumbled back as he pulled the sword free. The basilisk was defeated, but he still had a couple of problems to deal with. Ghost boy was standing off to the side, a shocked expression on his face. Plus, Harry's arm hurt like a son of a bitch- probably due to the foot long serpent fang buried in his forearm. Yanking it free, Harry turned back to Riddle with an angry glare.

"It's just you and me now, motherfucker."

He ignored the pain as best he could as he strode over to Riddle.

"You may have gotten lucky in destroying the basilisk, but its venom will still finish you off, Potter! And I am going to watch while-"

Harry cut him off by swinging the sword through the smirking ghostly bastard.

"Argh!" Riddle cried out, part of his smoky form disapating. "That won't be enough to defeat me, Potter!"

"Fine then," Harry scowled as he walked over to the diary. He lumbered the last few feet and fell to one knee. "If it was enough to kill the snake, then I don't think your little book will be too much trouble."

"No!"

Riddle's cry was cut short by a tearing sound, his essence being ripped to shreds as Harry stabbed the diary again and again.

"Damn," Harry muttered as he looked down at the wound in his arm. The bird flew down and landed next to him. "Hi there."

It let out a sweet sounding trill and then leaned over his arm. A couple of teardrops fell directly onto the wound. Within seconds, Harry could feel magic healing him, his arm no longer burning with pain worse than when he had done too many reps once when he was still getting used to lifting weights.

"Cool. Thanks, dude." The bird seemed to understand as it nodded at him. "Oh wait, could you help me for a minute?"

It peered into his eyes and nodded again.

Harry walked over to McG's stone body. "If your magic can heal me, can you fix her up to? This place would fall apart without her. McG's awesome. Besides, I was supposed to help watch her back, you know what I mean?"

The phoenix trilled happily and leaned over the prone form of the Transfiguration Professor. Fawkes had always liked Minerva, even if she was far too straight laced for his tastes. But she had started to let her hair down a bit thanks in large part to the muscle bound boy she was so fond of. Helping that bond become stronger was bound to be a good idea in the long run, for Fawkes' amusement if nothing else.

Thankfully, she had been about to cast a spell when she had been petrified, so her mouth was still open when she fell. A couple of teardrops dripped into it.

"Will that work?" Harry asked as he waited. Fawkes cooed happily.

"Where am I?" Ginny was starting to wake up, and a moment later she let out a shriek as she took in her surroundings. "Harry?"

"Hey," he said.

"Did you rescue me?" Ginny asked as she shakily stood up and came over to sit next to him. "Oh, my hero! This is just like in the stories! Well, as the damsel in distress, I suppose I owe you a kiss for today. We'll see what other types of rewards you might need in the future."

She started leaning towards him, eyes closed and mouth puckered in preparation.

"Actually, miss Weasley, it was my intention to rescue you before Harry interfered," McG said as she started to sit up. Ginny yelped and scampered backwards.

"It worked, cool!" Harry said as he helped McG to her feet.

She took in his appearance and gasped as she noticed the sword in his left hand. "Where on Earth did you get that?"

"Pretty sweet, right?" Harry replied as he swung the sword lazily. "I can't wait to show this bad boy off to my mentor. Oh, and I pulled it out of the hat."

He pointed off in the direction of the Sorting Hat. "Would someone please pick me up? This place is absolutely filthy!"

The phoenix let out an odd warbley tone as it disappeared.

"I have a feeling that I'm going to need to see whatever you did to believe it, Harry," McG said as she levitated the Sorting Hat up and then used multiple cleaning charms on the relic. "It is a good thing that the headmaster won't mind me borrowing his pensieve again.

"Miss Weasley, please gather the remains of that diary," she continued. "I have a feeling you and I are going to have to have a very long conversation about your behavior as well."

"Yes, professor," she mumbled.

"By the way, I think your wand is over there," Harry pointed in the direction of where ghost boy Riddle had stood. He shook his head- typical dumb villain, standing there and spouting insults and just watching while the hero foiled his plan.

As Ginny searched for her wand on the wet shadowy floor, there was another burst of flame as the phoenix returned, this time with a guest.

"Fawkes, my dear boy, I do believe you might have indulged in something without me," Dumbledore said as he looked around. "This is clearly not my office."

"Ah ha!" Harry pointed the sword at the headmaster. "I knew you had something to do with all this!"

"Dear me, mister Potter! What a fabulous sword you have," Dumbledore smiled as he walked forward, his eyes twinkling merrily. "And you know what they say about swords, my dear boy? They need to find the proper sheath to keep them nice and sharp."

"Albus, I believe we've talked about this in the past," McG scolded him. "You are to watch your language around the children."

"But, how can young Harry know about-"

"No, Albus, I will not allow it," McG interrupted him. "If you will excuse me, I need to escort my students out of this awful place."

"Hey, um, Professor McG?"

"What is it Harry?"

"Do you think I can get like a snake skin belt made out of this thing?" he asked. "Maybe a couple of purses for my honeys? I'm pretty sure Parvati would like that."

"But not Padma?" McG asked with a grin.

"Probably not as much as her sister, but I couldn't not give her one too, you know? That would be like... like, not smart. And I think Padma might like it too, she just wouldn't be as vocal about it as her sister."

McG laughed. "While I don't know if I should approve, you certainly do understand more about girls than some boys your age. For the record, you can do whatever you like with the remains of this beast."

"Really?"

"Yes, there are a number of old laws on the books," McG explained as she waited for Ginny Weasley to come over to stand with them. "Ignoring the legal mumbo jumbo, there are two main principles at work. First- finders, keepers. Second- as the slayer of the monster, you get the trophy."

"Awesome!" Harry's eyes widened. "Dude, I love going into girls' bathrooms! This is way better than when I fought the troll!"

Minerva couldn't decide whether to laugh or groan at his exuberance. Instead, she looked to the phoenix for help. "Please, will you transport us, Fawkes?"

It happily sang out a note and flew over to them. They disappeared in a burst of flame.

"Fawkes?" Dumbledore asked. "She stole my phoenix! That cruel old biddy! See if I ever offer to share a drink with her again. No matter how good her whiskey may be."

He sulked as he walked down the corridor, looking for a way out.

Fawkes flashed them up to the entrance way of the castle.

"Thank you, Fawkes," McG said before turning to her two students. "I believe our first stop should be the hospital wing so that Madam Pomfrey can check you over, miss Weasley."

The doors opened, interrupting her train of thought as Luscious Malfoy came sauntering over to them, with a familiar looking little elf dude trailing him. "Minerva, do you have any idea where Dumbledore is?"

"Why does that concern you, Malfoy?"

"It seems that there has been some problems with the board of governors," she said before leering over at the children. Her eyes widened when she spotted Ginny, and Harry stepped in front of the younger girl.

"Look lady, you shouldn't try to pick a fight with one of my younger fans," Harry said. "I know you've got this weird thing about sashaying up to me, but I'm not into older ladies, alright?"

McG couldn't help her snort.

"It seems your sense of humor is still rather pitiful, Potter."

"Don't snarl like that," Harry chided. "Your pretty face is your moneymaker, right? I'd hate to see you lose out on all that money you make that Draco's always bragging about. Actually, you know what?'

Harry began to take off his torn shirt. What was left of the right sleeve had some blood on it, but he figured that might make it more of a collector's item for his biggest fans. He didn't notice Ginny's moan of delight or McG's giggling as he kept an eye on Luscious.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"I don't like the idea of a lady like you having to work so hard in such a demeaning way," Harry replied. "I think you might make some good money by selling this souvenir. How many people can say that they own an official battle worn Harry Potter shirt? I wouldn't sell it immediately though- the value's bound to go up after my heroic defeat of the basilisk is made public. Maybe this will help you free yourself from your pimp."

"Did you say a basilisk?" Malfoy asked, her skin going more pale than usual. Draco obviously got his looks from his mum, but Padma said something about true albinos needing red or pink eyes.

"Yeah, it was awesome," Harry nodded as he raised up his new sword. "Check out what I killed it with. Pretty sweet, right?"

Luscious stared at the sword with her eyes wide and her mouth open. Harry was worried for a minute that she was going to try to kiss him. In order to fend off that sort of thing, he chucked his torn shirt at Mrs. Malfoy. She caught it but glared at him, before tossing it over her shoulder.

"Master has given Dobby a shirt!"

Luscious turned with her eyes narrowed at the house-elf. "I didn't-"

"Master has thrown the shirt at Dobby. Dobby has received clothes, so Dobby doesn't work for the Malfoys anymore."

Now Harry remembered the little guy's name- and he thought he was supposed to be mad at him for some reason, but the way Luscious looked like she was about to throw a hissy fit was too funny. Looks like all that tantrum throwing behavior was something else Draco had inherited from his mum. When she raised up her stolen pimp cane and tried to swat at the little elf dude, Luscious ended up blasted into the wall. She got up looking furious.

"You've lost me my servant, boy!" She pulled a wand out of the cane and pointed it at Harry.

McG responded by stepping in front of Harry with her own wand pointed at the interloper. "Give me a reason, Malfoy, and I will show Harry once again how to wipe the floor with a Death Eater."

"Yeah, please do that," Harry agreed with a grin. "McG's a bad mamajama!"

Luscious put her wand away and flipped her hair out of her face. "One day, Potter, you will come to a sticky end, just like your foolish parents."

"You know, I don't usually think that punching a lady is okay, but I think I might have to make an exception for you."

Luscious narrowed her eyes and spun precisely before heading for the door and fleeing with what was left of her dignity- not much, in other words.

"Did you see how she strutted out of here?" Harry asked McG, winking at her. "I kind of expect the girls to flirt with me, but not their mums. Draco needs to tell her to back off, I think."

Ginny punctuated that moment by practically leaping on him. Her hands went to work groping his chest. "Oh, my hero saved me from the nasty old Death Eater too! I'm all yours, Harry!"

"Miss Weasley, get a hold of yourself! Not mister Potter!" McG dragged the girl off of him. "We are going to the infirmary right away, young lady."

"But-"

"I will see you shortly, Harry, but you might want to go put on a shirt."

He nodded as the two witches walked off. Then he noticed the elf had draped the torn shirt over himself like some sort of toga.

"Now Dobby has the great Harry Potter sir's first official shirt! Dobby is the happiest elf ever!"

"Uh, that's cool I guess."

"What can Dobby ever do for the great Harry Potter sir in thanks?"

"Um..." Harry looked down at his sword and realized that maybe the evil old headmaster had a point about it. "Well, I killed this big old snake downstairs with my new kick ass sword. Do you think you could go use some of the snake's skin to make a sheath for me to keep it in?"

"That will be no trouble for Dobby! Dobby will live to serve the great Harry Potter sir's wishes!"

"Cool. Oh, and while you're down there, set aside some more of the snake skin for me too. I need to get some custom purses made for my honeys. Their birthdays are coming up soon."

"Dobby will get right to work!"

He didn't realize it at that moment, but Harry had just found a most shockingly devoted follower.

The common room had gawked at him when Harry returned that night, sword in hand and shirtless. Parvati ran over to check on him (and fend off any other girls that might start getting ideas) just before Dobby popped in with his brand new sheathe.

The little dude did good work, which Harry praised him for, making Dobby that much more enthusiastic about taking care of things for the great Harry Potter sir. The next day, he would take the snakey skin with him to a Diagon Alley and find a nice witch who could use it to make purses for the great Harry Potter sir's honeys. Unfortunately, Dobby didn't have any money with him- but he remembered where the bad old master had stored some back at Malfoy manor, so he went to retrieve it for the good of making the great Harry Potter sir's wishes come true.

Nothing was more important to Dobby.

Nothing.

Luscious Malfoy felt a shiver go down her back for some reason, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. She was going to have to go back to her hairdresser now.

Hermione Granger awoke to a brand new world. She was staring at the Daily Prophet as she tried to eat breakfast and process everything that had happened. The picture on the cover was unbelievable, but then she had noticed Harry Potter walking in with a sword sheathed at his waist.

"Hey Hermione, welcome back," he said as he sat down across from her.

She looked down at the paper again- it was the end of May. She had only been petrified for nine days, but Hermione just could not deal with the image of an absolutely enormous snake- measured at a record shattering sixty three feet long- and the obnoxious boy who had slain it. The same boy that drove her nuts on a regular basis and was now smiling at her, making her insides do funny things even if she was fully in denial about it.

"I don't believe it," she whispered, trying to force reality to be less insane.

"Yeah, McG said to tell you good work by the way," Harry added as he started loading his plate with protein. "You were right about it being a basilisk and stuff. I think she gave you like thirty or forty points or something."

Hermione blinked and looked back down at the paper. Ginny Weasley sat down next to her and fluttered her eyelashes at Harry.

"Back off Weasley, or I'll bust your lip open again," Parvati growled as she wrapped an arm around Harry's chest. She then set a purse on the table and smirked as plenty of eyes stared at it.

"What is that?" Hermione asked.

"My wonderful Harry had it made for me as a birthday present," Parvati replied with a huge smile as she leaned against him. "It's made out of basilisk skin- practically one of a kind! Well, two of a kind I guess."

Padma laughed and lifted a similar purse from her seat on Harry's other side. "Mine has a sapphire for the clasp though."

"And mine has a ruby," Parvati giggled. "Now Harry can tell us apart."

Hermione rubbed her eyes and internally pleaded for the world to make sense. "How?"

"It's all there in the paper," Harry said. "That Rita Skeeter lady, she was pretty great to deal with. I mean, I've heard some rumors about her being nasty to people in her writing, but she was a total pro with me."

He didn't know it, but several threats from a terrifying little house-elf about squashing a bug lady if she bothered the great Harry Potter sir had made Rita's disposition much more positive towards him.

"I think I need to go back to bed," Hermione groaned. "This can't be real."

"Oh, you missed the best part," Parvati said with a grin, even as her eyes glared at Ginny. "Harry came back shirtless after he had saved the day. You would have loved it, Hermione."

"I know I did," Ginny mumbled, a little drool escaping.

"The best part was my sweet new sword," Harry argued as he pulled it out of his sheath to show it off. He missed Fred Weasley's snort at Harry 'whipping it out' at the table, but several fourth and fifth years laughed.

Hermione stood up to get a better look and felt all the more like she was in some sort of wonderland. She gasped as she noticed the writing inscribed along the blade. "You found Godric Gryffindor's lost sword?"

"Huh, I guess I did," Harry replied. "I hadn't noticed that before. Guess I'll need to get that fixed so it says Harry Potter now."

"You can't do that!" Hermione yelped. "This is a priceless piece of history."

"Well, according to Professor McG, it's mine now," he shrugged. "Finders keepers, you know?"

Hermione sagged back to her seat and her head thudded against the table. "This can't be happening."

"I think you broke her, Harry," Padma chuckled. "Now, why don't you put that thing away so we can eat? I don't want to get any essence of basilisk in my eggs."

"It would be kinda hard to cut them up with something so long," Harry said.

"You can play with your sword more later," Parvati added before starting to giggle. "If you're lucky, maybe I'll even help you play with it."

Author's Note: So, in canon, memory Tom has enough of a physical form to be able to pick up a wand and make magical letters appear. Why doesn't he actually try to cast a spell at Harry? Obviously, bad villain lessons about giving monologues instead of actually killing the hero.

Also, Harry slaying the basilisk should be a really big deal, at least to the rest of the school. Thankfully, here he has publicist Dobby on the job!

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