Ch.5 - Why not kill?

"So how do you feel?" My concerned Quarian friend asked after she had finished looking at every inch of my armor in her effort to determine if I had sustained any injuries I was concealing.

"I feel conflicted Tali." I answered honestly as I always did with her.

"About why we let Shepard drive? Or is it something about your armor?" Tali asked as she energetically tried to guess.

The enthusiasm did help lighten my mood slightly as my body relaxed.

"No, none of those. I feel conflicted over the commander's choice during the mission regarding the fate of Dr. Wayne." I corrected with a small sigh.

"What's there to be conflicted about? I thought humans being mean to each other wasn't exactly weird.

Do you know how odd it was for me when I learnt about how your species and Krogans care so little for their own? In the Flotilla we are all doing our best to help our people thrive with what we have, so the thought of hurting our own is so foreign to me.

I mean, Asari generally care about each other in a different, more long term way, Salarians have to stay close cause of their society, Turians have their honor and pride for their people, but humans and Krogans just don't seem to really care about their own as much." Tali admitted as she described her own view of the main galactic species.

"The reason for my conflict is precisely because I have been harmed like the ex-corporal Toombs had been, and I did not feel like a so-called doctor like Wayne deserved what I know will happen if he goes through the Alliance justice system." I said as I knew exactly how things would go.

Being on an Alliance vessel, under a leader trained and still greatly intwined with it, surrounded by its personnel and being in its systems made me put effort in understanding precisely what it was. In a much more thorough way than my education had previously. Hence I knew that the scientist would make a deal with some higher standing members, give information or agree to work for them, then he would be basically free from the weights of his horrible actions and the fact that he experimented of the Alliance Navy's own members. At most he would be restricted and forced to work for some time, in exchange for the dead bodies of the honorable men and women he had killed and experimented on.

"Wait, you've been experimented on!?" Exclaimed my friend in horror. (Only Chakwas, Jane, Wrex, Garrus and Liara actually know.)

"By the same group which Mister Toombs suffered under and the one Dr. Wayne worked for." I answered with a solemn nod. "It is why I was at the facility Shepard attacked, some revenge."

Although not the full truth, this was not something I deemed necessary to keep secret from Tali. She was far too loyal as a person when it came to those she considered friends and teammates, her very upbringing nearly ensured she would not betray my trust unless I somehow broke hers.

"Oh Keelah, I didn't know. I'm sorry I said something insensitive." The apologetic young woman said. "Is that why you wear the Delumcore Overlay? Did they do something to your eyes?"

"They became too different and easily recognizable. I do not feel safe knowing they could take me again, hence I conceal them. Although my hair is also an odd color for a human, it is easily explained or concealed and is seen in others thanks to hair dye." I explained since it is purely about my aesthetic.

"How are your eyes different?" She curiously asked as it is the nature of intelligent species to find answers to their questions.

"Do you wish to see them?" I simply asked the young woman.

"If it doesn't bother you. If you aren't comfortable with it that's totally ok too." She quickly answered as she is very self-conscious due to still not being used to not living in the flotilla anymore.

"Then I shall do so later, in private. But for now I would like some assistance regarding my conflicted emotions." I straightforwardly agreed as I moved back on topic.

"Neo, I don't really think I'm the best person to ask. Maybe ask Dr. Chakwas or even talk to Shepard about this." She advised in hopes of being helpful.

"With Shepard?" I questioned as this felt… odd to me. Logically reasonable, but emotionally disruptive.

"Yeah. Back on the Rayya having disagreements with the Captain's decisions was seen as inevitable. I mean we live in close quarters and not everyone can agree on what is the 'best' course for everyone, so since he was the captain, my father decided to hear people out when he could and have explain things. He couldn't convince everyone who disagreed with him of course, but most at least gave his decisions a chance and trust in him grew as a result. So talking things out with Shepard should at least help you sort out your feelings." Tali explained passionately as I felt her great respect when she spoke of her father.

"A valid tactic from a psychological point of view. I shall see if Dr. Chakwas seconds this as a positive method." I responded with a nod. "Thank you for the advice Tali."

"Glad I could help." She happily said as I made my way to the medbay.

One quick/long trip through the elevator later, I found myself in front of the good Doctor.

"What can I do for you Neo? No one was reported injured during the mission so I assume this is personal." She greeted as she looked away from a tablet she was reading.

"I require some counseling over an emotional dilemma. I lack the necessary experience and Tali recommended talking to you." I answered as I took a seat in front of her desk.

"Well I'm always open to making sure the crew is healthy physically and mentally." She replied as her body language shifted to a receptive state.

"I am unsure if you have received the mission report, but I am having difficulties agreeing with the commander's decision regarding the handling of Dr. Wayne." I started off as the doctor became a bit more serious.

"Hmm. It isn't uncommon for anyone to disagree with their leaders. No decision can make everyone happy. But to clarify, yes I do receive mission reports to know if a danger unknown to the ground team was missed and needs attention, and I can understand why you had issues with the commander's decision.

You, Neo, are someone with limited life experience and as such the ones you have so far are much more important and leave with very few ways respond to events which would link to said experiences. This is partially why I believe that you empathized with this corporal Toombs, strengthening your belief that taking revenge on the person who experimented on the other is natural and this Dr. Wayne has escaped his karmic dues because of the commander's decision." The Doctor broke down as she did her best to explain the psychology behind my emotions.

"I can understand this on a logical level. The leader must make decisions and the commander made a decision based on what she believes is the correct course of action based on her own experiences and beliefs.

But what can I do about my own rejection of this decision? About my desire to find and kill this beast who experimented on his own people? About how the alliance will simply brush over the fact that the men and women who served under them were simply used and experimented on? I am at a lost regarding how I should deal with these dark desires." I questioned with more… feelings than I knew were in me.

"I believe I can guess some of the reasoning behind our commander's decision, but I think it would do you some good to discuss those directly with her.

You are just lacking too many experiences in life and are trying to make up for it using pure logic or training, but this should help you gain a bit of a broader perspective." She advised gently as she looked at me thinking.

"Tali recommended this to me as well, but I was not sure if talking to the source of my discomfort was the correct method." I wryly admitted.

"I for one, believe that if more people would talk through their disagreements instead of shooting the opposing party then the galaxy would be a much better place." Chakwas with a smirk as she signaled the end of the consultation by grabbing her tablet once more.

With a thankful nod, I left thinking of her words.

'Maybe she is correct, but the history of almost all the races of the galaxy will prove that conflict is simply inevitable between intelligent species. Disagreements will come and conflicts will arise from them, then from the conflicts more disagreements are born, creating a cycle. Although there might be periods of peace brought forward by those willing to talk and compromise, it is only a matter of time until more troubles brew.

But does that mean one should stop trying and simply embrace the cycle of conflict?

Competition is needed for growth. This is a simple fact of nature. To stop all conflict will lead to stagnation, but unnecessary and excessive conflict should be discouraged through discussion to promote the best growth as a whole.

I can understand this, but these emotions tell me how difficult such a balance would be to achieve. I wonder if talking with Shepard will truly let me relinquish these feelings.' I thought as I truly pondered over how I should act as a 'person'.

*Knock knock*

"Come in." Jane's muffled voice said.

Entering I saw her still a bit wet from a shower as she was rubbing a towel on her dripping red hair, wearing a sports bra and Alliance military pants.

"Oh Neo! What's up?" She asked in surprise over my presence.

"I wish to discuss something from today's mission." I answered a bit unsure as to how I should proceed due to Jane's current state.

"Sure, just let me finish getting dressed." She replied as she gestured for me to sit at the table she had in her quarters.

Watching the commander finish getting dressed was… odd, but it did make me pause my many thoughts and feelings as I gazed on her form which seemed sculpted for combat.

"So what about the mission did you want to talk about?" Shepard asked as she sat down on the opposite side of me.

"I have been feeling… unsatisfied with your choice to let the Alliance take Dr. Wayne, letting him escape from what he deserved.

But after talking to Tali and Dr. Chakwas, I have to come to ask why you believed not killing was the 'right' thing to do. Why not letting a man have revenge on the one who experimented on him and permitting Dr. Wayne to simply make a deal in exchange for predictable results was better than giving him what he deserved." I admitted as I felt what I identified as anger and frustration when I thought about what the man had done.

"*sigh* So what you're asking is why I didn't let Toombs have his revenge? Like you did against that Cerberus scientist." She asked as she made a difficult face.

"Yes. But on a personal level, I feel that a man like Dr. Wayne, ones who forsook their humanity, should not be allowed to live after experiencing what they do to people." I answered seriously as I remembered the pain I could feel from all the other lost ones.

"Tell me what you know about me. I know you read my files." She said, which confused me, but I answered.

"Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard, born April 11, 2154, to now Captain Hannah Shepard and deceased Rear-Admiral Stephan Shepard. Identified as Biotic.

Enlisted at the age of 18, following in your parents' footsteps, after growing up aboard military vessels and station.

Graduated top of class from the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program. Service no. 5923-AC-2826. Classification: Vanguard.

Exemplary service until 2175, when you are declared the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack on your unit. Something we now know is untrue and was orchestrated. The event pushed you beyond the normal limits of the physical and psychological strengths most people are capable of, but you continued to serve. Some understandable instability in your psyche were recorded, but nothing warranting discharge.

However in the following year of 2176, you became known as a war hero for your actions during the Skyllian Blitz. You rallied the colonists against the invaders, and when enemy forces broke through the colony's defenses, you single-handedly held them off and sealed the breach. As a result you were award the Star of Terra and became recognized as a hero throughout the Alliance.

Then two years later in 2178, you volunteered to lead in the retaliatory actions for the Blitz on the Batarian held planet of Torfin. This operation led to heavy losses, you pursued the batarians and wiped them out, even those who surrendered, at the cost of many lives from your own unit. This earned you the epithet 'Butcher of Torfan' among the Batarians.

75-78 was marked as a period of heavy psychological pressure, signs of depression, survivors guilt, increased aggression and heavy handed actions against pirates and Batarians.

The following years saw an improvement in actions and behavior, showing exemplary behavior once again.

Reaching this year, 2183, when you have become the first Human Spectre and assumed command of the SSV Normandy, a joint design stealth ship between the Turian Hierachy and Alliance." I answered as I also omitted most of the minor details.

"Some of what you just said isn't in my official files." Shepard commented with a raised eyebrow.

"Hacking into Alliance systems was simple. They are the systems I know the most due to Cerberus effectively working from inside of it. I was only looking for information of the crew, immediate superiors and some general information, hence not being detected was not difficult." I honestly answered since I saw no reason to lie about assuring my own safety.

"Well, I'm pretty sure Garrus did something similar through C-Sec and Tali might have done a sweep like you, just the official stuff though. Just don't hack too much or sell any of the info. And try not to get caught." The commander casually responded to my surprise.

"You are not going to punish me?" I curiously questioned.

"No, I understand why you did it. New place, unknown people, military and not knowing if you could actually trust anyone, so you did what you were trained to do." She answered which made me feel as if my inexperience was predictable.

"That is appreciated Commander, but I would like an answer to my original query." I said as I stated at her intently.

"*sigh* Alright. Like you read, I wasn't in a right place after what happened on Akuze. The attack left its mark on me. I did my best to work through it, be the soldier I was trained to be, keep up the good fight, but that was hard to do when you hear your comrades and brothers-in-arm screaming every time you try to sleep.

So when I took some time off on Elysium, it was mostly to get away for a while. Some R&R to get my head on straight again and try to forgive myself. But then the Blitz happened. I saw the Alliance put a fight, but too many ships were getting on the ground and I knew what would happen, so I picked my sorry ass up and started to fight like the soldier I was. Brought anyone who didn't want to get enslaved or die because some racist, greedy scum wanted and fought back. I saw a lot of innocent men, women and children die or get taken that day, and it snapped me out of that funk Akuze put me in.

Problem was that I got real angry towards those responsible and those just like them. I led strike teams against pirates and slavers for some time, doing things I'm not proud of in anger.

But then it got to its worse when the attack on Torfin was put in front of me. The perfect place for revenge against the bastards who attacked innocent civilians just because they were trying to live. So I jumped on it immediately and was put in charge of the main ground team. How I acted on that mission is something I regret to this day Neo. I didn't act like a soldier, I didn't act like a person, I acted like a monster, like the very people I hated. I killed every Batarian unlucky enough to come in front me, whether they surrendered or not, and it costed the lives of the good men and women who followed my command.

That mission broke me out of my anger. I had to change or I knew I wouldn't be able to recognize myself soon, becoming something I couldn't live with. So I did my best to improve as a soldier and a person, working my ass of to be the best I could be, until you met the me you see now." She finished her story with a wave over herself, but I was thinking of her words and more importantly the emotions I felt behind them.

I could feel the scars these events left on her emotions as she spoke. The guilt, sadness, anger, fear, turning into courage, hope, will and confidence. It was… impactful.

"Do you know why I'm telling you this Neo?" She asked as I was in contemplation, to which I shook my head." It's to tell you that I've been down the path of revenge. I became so angry and vengeful that I couldn't even realize that I was turning into what I hated. I wasn't even looking for those actually guilty of what made me angry, I was just lashing out at anything remotely familiar, and I don't want others to have to go through what I did. I don't want more people living for revenge, because it just won't end unless you truly move beyond it.

That's why I pushed Toombs to not kill Dr. Wayne even if I do agree that what he's done is reprehensible. I wanted to help him live for more than just revenge, and to do that he had to move towards something new. Can you understand this Neo?"

The last question was left hanging in the air as I thought through everything Jane had told me and the very strong emotions I could feel from her. I was starting to understand why she always feels so different than other, it was partly because of her mind's strength. The will of someone who stood at the worst points a person could be at and came through it stronger. Someone who wanted to move forward and help others be better as individuals.

"It will take time for me to take in everything you've said, but I will think this through carefully." I answered as I was simply unsure.

"That's perfectly fine Neo. Take your time. I'm here when you want to talk." She replied with a satisfied smile.

"Thank you for this. I will take my leave now." I honestly said as I stood up.

-Jane Shepard POV

'I hope he can grow from this. I didn't expect his first mission would impact him like that, but if he makes it through he'll become better for it.' I thought as I looked at his large frame leaving my quarters in deep thought.

"I'm excited to see how he'll grow with more experience under his belt though." I said aloud as I believed Neo wouldn't disappoint.

_______________________________________

Extra Author Note:

So lots of info thrown out here.

First off, not much is known about Tali's father beyond his fuck up in ME2, which could only happen after the Geth came back into play during ME1. So he hasn't started obsessing about them yet or asked for parts. Tali was shown to respect him a lot however, so I decided to make him an understanding Captain even if he was hard on Tali when she was growing up. Good Captain, but not that great father, with an understanding and driven daughter.

Next up is the Shepard bio. I decided to give her dad a name and go with the Spacer background. Her mom was said to be a Captain who refused a promotion in ME2, so her being a new/moderately experienced captain now isn't crazy, and since her dad was never mentioned and was said to be military too I gave him rear-admiral. The rest of the basic stuff is all on the wiki.

I decided that her carrier was going to be all the options: Survivor, War Hero and Ruthless. The dates all follow each other and writing them like dominos which shaped who Shepard became in the games made sense to me. The dates should all be accurate too. This makes her something beyond a soldier like she's supposed to be.

Yes she's going to be pretty much paragon FemShep. The above is pretty much her actual reason for doing some of this stuff beyond her being space captain America.

Finally, gonna move stuff forward next chapter. We are not gonna have Neo be emotional all the time, this was just something he should actually be unhappy about since his whole life was an experiment under men and women like Dr. Wayne.

Hope it's still good tho.