Chapter 5

Aiden

I don't think. I have nothing to think about. I thought about it and it was painful. I chewed every thought, extinguished every ember of doubt, kept myself in line, fell apart again. I am who I am and I can't change that.

That's why I have to do it. And I have no other way. I better do it myself, than father...

Is it scary?

Uncertainty, in this case, is less frightening.

I realize that I haven't died when I feel pain. My hands ache, my head is spinning, and my throat is completely dry, like it's made of paper. The bustle around looks like a dust storm, and Brent's voice is somewhere nearby. I am shaking and swinging.

I'm remembering The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. No, I don't feel like Dorothy, more like her house. Dorothy eventually went somewhere, she had a goal. Even her dog had a goal.

And the house was left in ruins. So am I, lying here, and there is only dust and debris around. Brent drags me somewhere past these debris, gets me into the car. And when the road turns into a guiding thread, I close my eyes again. I'm not here. I shouldn't have been here. What have I done wrong?

I hear muffled voices in the distance... It sounds like Brent... and someone else. Father found us?!

I am overcome with fear... Why? Why didn't I die... No, no...

He'll do something to Brent...

I get out of the car, but I can't see anything. Everything is blurry. I barely make up several figures.

The rifle... a shiny black barrel...

This is our father...

Why didn't I let him finish his plan the first time?

I was terrified... just like now. But now he's going to kill Brent. For what?..

no no no

I come close to the gun. The shot will rip me apart. I hope it ends quickly.

There is a scream all around. I hear a loud bang.

It doesn't hurt at all, but I scream in fear.

Am I not dead again?

Or was I lucky? A hand gently touches my cheek, and I again fall into a deep sleep. It's finally over...

I feel light, almost weightless. I feel warm. I'm safe. But somehow I understand that this is not a dream.

I hear voices — Brent and someone else's — and I open my eyes.

But why? Why am I alive again?

Brent talks to me, but I can't answer. It feels like I'm numb. And not only my tongue, but also my body.

Brent wants me to eat, I don't want to. But he puts his palm on my nape and makes me drink a few sips of tea. The warmth inside me finally convinces me that I am not dead. And this does not stir any emotion in me.

Brent promises to give me his most beautiful stone, just like he did when we were kids, and makes me eat a few spoons of mushed potato.

I like the morning sky. I force myself to sit up in bed. Now I see how it shimmers, the clouds redden at first, then turn golden. There is a haze of dew over the field. A cool wind blows in through the window. I don't want to move, I like to be invisible, as if part of it all.

I think a part of me died and disappeared long ago, merged with the world. But for some stupid reason, my heart is still beating.

“Hi!”

I don't know this guy, but it's like I've already heard this voice. He smiles at me as if we knew each other. Maybe he smiles to someone else? I am not here.

“I'm Jack. How are you?”

Brent leaves with him, he's gone all day. I'm not sure which part of my day is a dream, which is a reality. And it seems indifferent to me. All is the same. I believe that I'm here not for long. Soon I will disappear for good. I can hear the wind like no other. And I want to become a part of it as soon as possible.

Or the smooth surface of the water. The crown of that flower.

But this Jack... When it seems to me that my blood turned discolored and I became transparent and almost disappeared, he suddenly comes, looks at me, talks to me, brings me an apple or something else. My blood turns red again and pulsates like life itself. I'm ceasing to be an insignificant part of the world, I take on my form, my flesh. I become distinguishable from the rest of the world. The world in which I am afraid to live.

And every day I wake up not to look at the sky. I hope he'll come again, say something to me. I don't want to live, but the feeling of life seems so good that every time I want to experience it a little more.

I don't get lost in dreaming anymore, I feel my skin as a border between me and the world, my hands already obey me. Even my tongue isn't numb anymore.

I feel that life is pumping in my veins. And it makes no sense for me to pretend that it is not so anymore. I have never deceived myself. And now I won't.

I am not dead. So I have to get up. And live on.

Brent's lying exhausted on the bed, he doesn't even speak to me. I'm a little ashamed that he works alone...

Jack enters the house. I take a quick look at him and wait for him to speak to me. I'm already used to the fact that he always says something to me. But he talks to Bent:

“Well, how do you like your first week?” he's clearly teasing him, but kindly. Brent barely raises his hand and shows "OK", Jack laughs.

“I'm going to the city, do you wanna go with me?” Jack asks.

“Are you kidding me?!” Brent groans. “I'm not even sure if I have legs and how to use them.”

I think I would also like to talk to Jack so easily. But although he is always very benevolent, at the same time he seems out of reach. Therefore, when he says my name, I even internally flinch.

“Well, what about you, Aiden?” Jack asks.

He invites me to go with him?

“What do you say? We'll buy you paints, canvas. You can draw your brother after hard work, and we’ll hang right here.” He smiles, looking me straight in the eyes. I look at him and feel the impulse that adds the last drop, and I shake off the remnants of my nightmare.

“Okay,” I awaken my voice. I've already forgotten what it sounds like.

“Well, that's great! Get dressed, I'll wait in the car.”

I dress with excitement. The feeling is unusual.

In the doorway, I look back at my brother, he looks at me with concern, but nods. I get into the car next to Jack and we drive away.

I always liked to ride, although I did not have time to get my license. I like the road. It seems to me that while you are driving, the brain works a little differently. You get into a kind of dreamy concentration. Usually, during trips, while I was looking out the window, I got ideas for my drawings and paintings.

“Music?” Jack asks. I shrug. Usually the music does not bother me, but it rarely happens that the music coincides with the mood of the road and my own. If this happens, then goosebumps run down the skin...

Jack turns on the radio and begins:

“Brent said you're good at drawing...”

I turn and look at him. Sometimes Jack looks away from the road and looks at me. At times like this, I feel embarrassed, but I don't turn away.

“Well... kinda.”

“And what do you like to draw?”

“Well... I like doing sketches with pencil and I like watercolors.”

Ozzy Osbourne "Dreamer" is playing on the radio, Jack doesn't ask further and makes the sound a little louder. This is exactly the case, I smile to myself and open the window. The cool breeze ruffles my hair. Everything is as it should be. And I understand that I've never felt like this with anyone else but Jack. The road runs away from bright headlights, Jack is silent, sometimes glancing at me. What a beautiful face he has now...

Let the song never end, let the road never end.

We drive up to a mall and Jack picks up a cart at the entrance.

“Are you OK? Not sleepy yet?” He says. He cares of me all the time. “Jump into the cart, if you want.” He smiles. I smile at him too.

“No, I'm fine,” I say.

“Then take the list.” He gives me a piece of paper with a long list. “Make sure I stick to it, otherwise I'll buy sweets and chips instead.”

Jack makes me feel at ease, and at the same time tries to cheer me up somehow. Do I look so miserable? And isn't it odd he cares about me so much? I understand Brent's concern, but I'm a stranger to Jack. Or did Jack and Brent know each other? Then what was that gun scene? Or it was a dream?

We pass between the shelves, and I put groceries into the cart according to the list. Jack always rushes to add something there. Makes me smile again. Then he turns to the art supplies, where he takes an album, a couple of canvases, watercolors, brushes and pencils.

“Well, I promised.” He replies to my questioning look.

I'm only 18, I'm gay, I haven't dated anyone yet. But I think Jack is really caring? Or am I making something up?

When we finish shopping, we are loading everything into the car, I am about to take the passenger seat, when suddenly Jack asks:

“Do you wanna go home or wander around the city?”

I realize that I am hungry.

“Is there a bar nearby?”

“What?! Brent said you were eighteen, so...”

Did he think I wanted to get drunk? That's funny.

“I mean I... I'd eat spice buffalo wings...”

“Well, OK.” Jack agrees, and we go to a bar.

I don't really like bars, but I wanted a little noise. As if after a coma, I woke up and try to remember and relive all the experience that I had.

Jack does not take his eyes off me. I'm not making this up, there is definitely something going on here...

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” He asks as I finish my wings. I wonder where this is going.

To say that I am nervous would be a huge understatement. But now I'm greedy for my own feelings.

So we go to the cinema, where, in the dark, Jack tickles me with his breath, whispering in my ear. In truth, I can't make out his words. My cheeks are hot. It's good that it's dark. It's some kind of obsession...

Does he really like me? Is he that straightforward?

Am I... hallucinating? Well, seriously, maybe I take his kind attitude towards me for something else? Maybe Brent asked him to look after me, so he acts like a good older brother. He's even older than Brent, isn't he? So why would he need someone like me?

To have fun?

“I'm hungry,” Jack says after the lights lighted up. “Are you tired? We can have a snack.”

I just nod, hoping he won't notice my red cheeks. What if he really likes me?.. But I'm... as Brent says, impressionable. I always wind myself up like this. Therefore, I can't stop myself, I speak and speak and speak. Jack, in my opinion, is even surprised.

"Have I decided to tell him my whole life?" I think somewhere in the middle of the story about my graduation.

“You're, probably, bored...”

“Hey!” Jack waves his hands in protest. The fries land right in my lap. “Sorry. Damn... I meant that I'm not bored at all.”

I can't help but smile. I’d even laugh, but I don’t want Jack to think I laugh at him.

I already imagined that we are on a date. Why not? It's a harmless fantasy. A virgin like me is supposed to dream of something like that, right?

I never had time to think about those things... I was busy being afraid...

We go to the car when the clock shows 2.40. Now it's Jack's turn to tell. And I listen with pleasure about his childhood and school. Now the age difference is more noticeable. But it still seems to me that we are getting closer.

“I think I can fix your car,” he says.

“That would be great. Brent bought it with his own money when he was eighteen. He says that he will give it to me later. He's joking, of course. I never got my license.”

“Really?”

“Yeah... I just never got to the exams.”

“But you can drive?”

“Well, yes, Brent taught me.”

We turn onto the side road leading to the farm, and Jack suddenly pulls over.

“Come on. Let's see what he taught you.”

He invites me to swap places. I'm nervous because I barely remember any of Brent's lessons, but... I don't want to look like a coward in front of Jack, so I get behind the wheel.

And I drive a couple of dozen yards. Suddenly the car hits something with its front wheel, and we jump. I brake sharply.

“I hit someone?! Have I run someone over?” My voice is shaking.

Jack gets out of the car.

“You knocked down the oldest bump of the field, you monster,” he says, and makes a funny face.

“Back up a bit.”

The car again gets on all four wheels, I get out and sit down next to this unfortunate bump.

“You drive us home, ok?” I say, my hands are trembling. And I don’t know why. Jack sits down next to me, and we are silent for a while. I can feel something ripening in the air. I'm worried, so I'm trying to dilute the awkwardness.

“It's nice here. Beautiful and peaceful.”

But Jack doesn't answer me. Suddenly I feel a warm touch – Jack covered my palm with his. I choke on my breath, looking wildly in front of me. But I don't see a damn thing. With every heartbeat “Oh my God” is echoing in my head. I don't move my hand away. I'm scared but this is completely different kind of fear. I don't want to run from it. It's just too much for me.

Jack turns to face me, but I can't look him in the eyes. So he reads it in his way and pulls his hand away. Semi-consciously I grasp his fingers and Jack stops.

It takes all my guts to look at him.

Jack moves a bit closer, brushes my cheek slightly. This sensation seems familiar to me...

It wasn't my imagination... not in the car, not in the store, not in the bar, not in the cinema... Did he really think about it from the very beginning?

Jack's getting closer and I'm not pulling away. I don't want to pull away. Though my heart beats so fast. Though the breath stopped completely...

The world turns upside down when Jack kisses me. No shyness, no doubt.

The kiss is soft, wet and warm. And Jack is tugging my lower lip slightly.

I don’t know how to kiss... I haven’t tried it with anyone. I'm trying to follow Jack.

This is an absolutely incredible and indescribable feeling.

The further we go, the hotter it gets. Jack's tongue slips between my teeth. Jack is fervent and persistent, I can't keep up, I start to topple on the grass, Jack follows me, not interrupting the kiss.

I forget to breathe.

Jack's hand slid under my shirt. And I feel how aroused he is.

No, no, this is too much! I can't!

I break the kiss and take a deep breath.

Jack stops. He hovers over me and stares into my face.

“I'm sorry,” he says. “I... too much...”

His breath is fast and uneven.

He gets up and walks back and forth a little. His emotions are more intense than mine, and he doesn't hide them at all.

We get into the car and drive to the house. Although I would prefer to walk in order to calm down. My excitement has not passed yet, I hope it is not so noticeable.

I try not to look at Jack as I pull a bag with sketchbook and paints he bought me out of the trunk. Brent runs out of the shack, he is very angry. And I quickly go into the house. I can hear Brent's yelling at Jack, but I can't get out. It seems to me that if Brent takes a look at me, at my face, he will immediately understand everything.

I lie on the bed with my clothes on and pretend to be asleep. But is it possible to fall asleep after that?!