When Reality sets in

I didn't know what to do, the whole situation was absurd or was I slowly going insane? I had no clue.

I sat on my bed thinking, calculating, evaluating this whole situation and no matter how many times I thought about it, it never made sense.

Or was this some kind of mind game my brain is playing with me. I remembered Mama Rose had a spare room down stairs and I went there.

I wasn't surprised when the room looked normal and empty. There was no trace what so ever that indicated she lived here, I took my laptop and searched for her name online.

Evangeline Rose, pictures of different people popped up but non where my Evangeline. I sat there frustrated, devastated with so many feelings crowding my mind and heart. I knew I had to use the last resort, I had to ask the people that actually hired her.

I wasn't really close with my parents, I never considered them as my parents, for me they where like my helpers nothing more nothing less. I always felt like the odd one out in the family and I didn't feel bad about it, in fact I felt satisfied that they didn't show me any form of affections.

When my mom tried to rebuilding our relationship after she retired but I shut her out, not because it was too late but because I didn't want her affection.

I called my mom and after three rings she picked up. Hey m...mom, it sounded really strange calling her that but I had to, for formality.

Lazarus is that you? She says softly and I just rolled my eyes at how dramatic she is, she saw my number so why bother to ask.

Yes mom its me. How are you, its been months since I've seen you. You don't bother to call me or even text. Mom I've been busy and the reason I called is to ask you about a nanny you hired for me when I was 3years old, her name is Evangeline Rose. Please can you recall.

Lazarus I didn't raise you to be this rude, how can't you just call me demanding for something when we haven't spoken for over a year and to answer you absurd question. No I didn't hire any Evangeline Rose, you didn't have any specific nanny since you where a baby.

When she said those words time stopped and I knew for sure that my mind where playing tricks on me. My mom kept on rambling on and on but I couldn't decipher a word she was saying. Mom I'll call you back there's a lot on my mind right now, I told her, still in daze of what she just said, my head felt fuzzy and I felt dizzy so I sat down.

I didn't even wait for her to reply before I ended the call. I sat down on the sofa that Mama Rose usually calls her sofa. I didn't want to cry but I cried, I cried like a three year old and I didn't feel ashamed about it.

I was hurt, frustrated and confused. I've been confused all my life but I have never felt this level of confusion, I couldn't confined in anybody even my therapist because he would think I have gone mad. Only I could understand what I was going through. Something in the pit of my stomach told me that this was just the beginning and I knew better than to think it wasn't true.

I couldn't sleep that night, I had to find out why all these was happening to me and God I wanted to know why.

I couldn't go to work the next morning so i informed Ms fox that I wouldn't be in the office today because I couldn't get a hold of Charlotte.

I am planning on going to London tomorrow, so far its the only clue I've got and it wouldn't hurt to try.

I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom. I was still in my work clothes from yesterday and it didn't really bother me at all, my eyes where blood shot and I had dark bags under my eyes.

I slowly undressed and took a cold bath. As I bathe in my sorrow and pain I broke down again, I cried because of what I've lost, I cried because I would never see her again and I cried because I didn't know if she really existed. It was really a pathetic sight to see but what was I to do, I was handicap in this situation.

After bathing I took my notepad and tried to draw her face but no matter how many times I tried it never looked like her. Her memories where plastered in my brain no matter how hard I tried to erase them, they tormented me and slowly I began the relish in the torment.

I checked my knees and the injury I got when I was fifteen was still there. I remembered vividly how she tended to the broken leg for a whole week while my parents barely knew I broke my leg.

All the memories where clashing together and I felt like I was reliving it over again and it stung really bad. I didn't realize when I fell asleep but I knew I was asleep.

I saw a middle aged woman staring at me ,crying and suddenly I recognized her. She was my mother, she wasn't the one I grew up with but my real mother. I don't know how I recognize her but I just knew she was my mother.

I tried to reach her but something was preventing me from moving. She looked so small, fragile and all I wanted to do was hold her close me and never let go. She was crying, whispering something to me but I couldn't hear her and like magic I was falling into a deep, endless hole.

I was falling but I never landed and before i knew what was happening everything went dark and silent.

I saw myself again he was staring at me and I did the same.

It has begun he said, go to London before its too late. I can't help you anymore ,its all up to you now, go to London and you'll remember.

With that I woke up from another strange dream but in this dream I knew what I had to do. I had to go to London whether I liked it or not. The only thing keeping me here is this pathetic body.

I tried standing up but my body was too weak to respond and when I finally stood up I was on the ground instantly. I knew that I wouldn't be able to board a plan in this condition so I just lay on my bed waiting for the flu to pass like it always did.

I wasn't really in the mood to talk nor eat so I didn't bother to inform anyone that i was sick not even my personal doctor. I spaced out and I didn't realize someone was knocking at my door and when I heard it I really didn't care who it was.

I heard someone clear their throat but I didn't bother to acknowledge them, maybe if I ignore them they would eventually leave. I wasn't in the mood to shout nor through a fit at anyone.

The person cleared their throat again but I didn't reply, I thought maybe they where already fed up with my silence and wanted to leave until I heard foot steps coming closer and closer to my direction.

I was sure enough that whoever this person may be, wanted a death sentence and I was sure a hell going to give them just that, but what I saw made my icy heart melt.