Family history

The rest of the family was waiting in the Potter house. Usually, people weren't allowed to know when tests like this would happen, but this was one of the few times the privilege of being connected came in handy. It was not like any of them would influence the test! Ron worried that Rose visiting earlier that day was related to the test, but he hadn't said or done anything he wouldn't have said at any other time. None of them knew any details about what they had to do, but from what little Harry had said, and the mischievous grin he had when he said it, they were all a little worried. And why had it suddenly been pushed forward a week?

Even Hermione had taken the afternoon off, something that very rarely happened. She claimed it was so that Rose and Albus wouldn't try to use her to get help, but Ron knew that it was probably also because she was nervous on her daughter's behalf. And a nervous Hermione was not a good person to interact with. One verbal altercation at lunch had convinced Hermione it was better to just call it a day and go home. 

The door opened, and Harry, Rose and Albus entered. Behind them came Scorpius, leading a somewhat subdued James. Ginny's heart ached when she saw her eldest son. She wished there was something she could do for him, but her focus quickly turned to Al and Rose. 

Harry told them how the two of them nearly failed the test because they thought it was real, and thus cheated. Ron's eyes narrowed as Harry mentioned how they had used the Trackers to find Dawson, but he didn't say anything. 

As Harry finally revealed that they had passed despite this, Albus and Rose had wide smiles, and all of the family burst out in congratulations. Ginny was so proud of Albus. She had worried, when he was younger, that he wouldn't find his place in the world. She was relieved that he seemed to have found it. Now she just wished her older son would find it too.

 ***

James was happy for his brother. He really was. But he had a hard time showing it. When did this role reversal happen? James had always had everything come easy to him. Until he left Hogwarts, and he had no idea what to do next. His career advice had not really helped, he had mainly just laughed that off, despite the professor's clear attempt to make him think about the future. 

It wasn't like he needed a job. His family was wealthy, he could simply do nothing if he wanted to. But that grew old after a while. Which was probably why he had gone out and done the stupidest thing ever and ended up captured by Death Eaters. 

It was easy to use that as an excuse for all of his current issues, but deep down he knew that that wasn't entirely true. Sure, whatever nastiness had happened to him that night had had some severe consequences, but that wasn't all that bothered him. Every time he came down with one of his raging fits, he woke up and felt like a burden. He knew he was a burden. Rose and Scorpius made room for him, so that he didn't bring sadness to his family, but that just meant he was a burden to them instead. They kept saying they didn't mind, that he wasn't a burden, but he knew he was. If nothing else, the times when Scorpius had to go out and pick him up, possibly endangering his alias, was an inconvenience.

But what more could he do about it? St. Mungo's claimed there was nothing more they could do for him, other than to keep him secure when he was in one of his moods. Locking him away there wouldn't help in the slightest and would make everyone sadder. If he could just find something to do, something to fill all the empty hours, that might help. The problem was, he had no idea what that could be. Albus had found his passion, despite initially not wanting to work with his father, but James didn't have the patience for such things. What was he good at? He couldn't think of a single thing. 

He went over and congratulated his brother. He even managed a decent smile. Then he snuck away and went up to his room. They probably wouldn't miss him anyway. 

Sometime later, James didn't know if it was hours, minutes or days, Ginny came into the room. He tried to pretend to be asleep, but his mother had always been able to tell whether he was awake or not. 

"I'm glad you were able to be here tonight and support your brother." she said. Her tone was not accusatory or implying anything. She was just stating a fact. 

"I want to be able to help you, James, but I can't do that unless you talk to me," she said. "Will you at least try? Maybe putting it into words can help you somewhat as well."

James hesitated. He didn't want to give her even more to worry about. And he doubted that even his mother would be able to change anything.

"What difference would talking about it make? No amount of talking can change the facts. I'm broken. Sometimes I don't even remember what I've done, or where I've been. All I know is that I'm not safe to be around others. I don't want to be a burden, but I can't think of much else to do either." He saw his mother about to protest. "I know you all say I'm not a burden and I know you probably don't mind, but I still feel like a burden. Whatever I try to do, I could end up endangering others."

"I think that we are all a burden at times. We all have times when we cannot help ourselves and need to accept help from others to get better."

"But there is no way this is getting better. That is the problem."

"You don't know that. Besides, the actual damage done to your brain is only half the problem, isn't it?"

James looked up, surprised. He often forgot just how insightful his mother was. 

"Yes." was all he was able to say.

"Then, what is the problem?"

"I don't know what to do with my life. Whatever I do, I can ruin it when I go so dark. Everyone else seems to have their lives all figured out. I'm happy for them, especially Albus, but it also frustrates me."

"I can understand that. I didn't really know what I wanted to do after school either. Well, after Quidditch anyway."

"When did you decide?"

"I'll let you know. I sort of feel that I still work with Quidditch as a temporary thing until I figure it out."

"But I don't even have a temporary thing like that to fall back on. I never truly applied myself in anything."

He could see that his mother tried to come up with an example, but even she had to admit he was right. He had never really applied himself. He hadn't really needed to. Everything had come easy for him. He hadn't done badly at school; he was just never the best. He had friends but he was just as happy just staying around his family. That had happened more and more as he got worse. He didn't want any of his friends to see him in his dark mood.

"And everyone says I am too dangerous to trust with anything. And they're right. I can explode with rage or darkness or whatever at any time, what can I be trusted with doing? And don't think I don't see how everyone tries to tread lightly around me, to avoid setting off a rage. No one knows what to do with me."

"I'm sorry that you feel like that. I don't have a specific solution, but I want to help in any way I can. I know what it feels like to feel tainted, cast out, dangerous."

"Why do you say that? How can you possibly know what that feels like? No one can understand that!" James was angry that his mother tried to claim to know how he felt.

"I understand. I understand that better than you might think." Ginny said. Her tone was almost bitter, though still sympathetic. It made James pause.

"How can you know what that feels like?"

"Don't you know your own family history?"

The question confused James. Of course he knew his family history. He had heard all the stories from grandma and grandpa Weasley, and it was unavoidable to hear about all the great things his father had done. He was sick of it, at times.

"Which part? I have heard most of it, it's kind of unavoidable."

"What do you know about the Chamber of Secrets?"

The seemingly random question confused James even more. The Chamber of Secrets? What did that have to do with anything?

"It was the place where Dad killed the Basilisk. And the first Horcrux, though he didn't know that at the time."

"Right. But do you know why your father went down to the Chamber in the first place?"

"To stop all the Muggleborns being attacked? Hermione had been Petrified, right?"

"Yes, but that was weeks before. Let me ask another way. Do you know who opened the Chamber of Secrets?" 

James had no idea why his mother asked about all of this. "Voldemort did. He used the diary to open the Chamber."

"Yes, but how?"

James didn't know that. He had never really been interested in any of this. 

"Why does that matter?"

"Because it was me. I opened the Chamber of Secrets." 

James' mouth fell open. What?! 

"Not on purpose, of course. But I was possessed by the piece of Voldemort's soul that was in that diary."